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‘Birds of a Feather Flock to Taylor’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Birds of a Feather Flock to Taylor

120. Birds of a Feather Flock to Taylor

Aired March 3, 1992

Tim and Jill get into an argument about whether or not she told him about an upcoming engagement. Tim talks through his troubles with two Tool Time viewers, Eddie (Ernest Borgnine) and Hick (Jack Elam).

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. This is Al over here.
Hick: Oh, we know Al.
Eddie: Oh, we love Al.
Tim: Oh, we all love Al.
Eddie: Hey, Al, come on, give us one of them big salutes. [Al salutes]
Audience: [chants] Al, Al, Al, Al, Al...
Tim: Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I don't want to disturb this love fest you have going here, but let me remind you of something: Al is my assistant. He assists me.

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Quote from Wilson

Jill: Do you think that Tim is a good listener?
Wilson: Yes, I think Tim is a very good listener.
Jill: But does he understand everything you say?
Wilson: I think Tim is a very good listener.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Well, I don't think he listens to me at all. I told him about this event that we're going to three times, and he acts like I never said anything.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Jill: I don't know how I could have been clearer. I told him I was getting his tux cleaned. I told him about the hors d'oeuvres we were having Saturday night. I even circled it on the calendar. I did everything except sit him down and say, "Tim, we are going to a fundraiser Saturday night." Oh God, I never did that. Oh, man! I can't believe it. All of this arguing, and he was right. Oh, no. I feel terrible. This is all my fault. Well, I should apologize to him. Thank you, Wilson. You've really been a big help. [goes back inside]
Wilson: Hmm. Somehow it's always easier with Jill.

Quote from Al

Tim: The first thing you wanna do is degrease this bad boy using Binford's new Engine Clean. It's perfect for home, auto and airplane. All you gotta do is spray it on a hot engine, rinse it off with ordinary tap water. At this point your wife may look at you going, [shrill voice] "What are you doing, cleaning that dirty old engine, you dumb ox? The floor needs cleaning." At this point, usually I take the hood and go: dink.
Al: That's Tim Taylor, care of Tool Time, P.O. Box 32733...
Tim: Al, Al, Al. I think the women know that I'm just joshing. And besides, why would a woman look under the hood of a car? We don't look under the washing machine, do we?
Al: That's P.O. Box 32733, Detroit... MI.

Quote from Tim

Jill: So, what are you making now?
Tim: A fireplace.
Jill: A fireplace?
Tim: Yes, even birds need a place to put their bowling trophies on.
Jill: Ooh, you know what? I have some really cute little lace curtains from an old dollhouse in the attic I was saving it for the daughter we never had.
Tim: No, no. This is a man's birdhouse. The next thing we put in is a leather recliner, so that little bird can kick back, put his thin little legs on the ottoman, pick up the paper, read it, put it back on the floor, and poop on the paper.
Jill: Well, you're the expert.
Tim: All right. Mark, this has got to dry for about 30 minutes, and then we install the Jacuzzi. You know, I could live in this house.
Jill: You got the legs for it.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, come on, Tim. It's gonna be lovely. They're singing highlights from The Barber of Seville.
Tim: A stage full of 300-pound porkers going... [sings] I got a bad haircut I got a bad haircut They screwed up my bangs You should have used conditioner You should have used conditioner He said ho-ho
Jill: We're going. Oh, I almost forgot. Don't forget to... [walks away] pick up the boutonniere and a corsage for... tomorrow!
Tim: [sings] I didn't hear you I didn't hear you

Quote from Al

Tim: Well, spring is right around the corner, Al, what do you look for ward to at springtime?
Al: Turning my clock ahead, Tim.
Tim: You party animal, you, Al.

Quote from Tim

Tim: When most people think of spring, they think of spring-cleaning. And nothing more important than cleaning your engine. Lisa? What Al and Lisa are pushing out here is the engine out of my wife's car. Just kidding. This is a very filthy 5-liter V-8, chrome valve covers, aluminum high-rise, and a four-barrel carburetor.
Lisa: There you go, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Lisa.
Al: After a long, hard winter, you wanna gap your plugs, flush your dirty radiator clean, and make sure your hose doesn't leak.
Tim: Let's not get too personal, Al.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All week long we've been doing our salute to workmanship, and who'd know more about that than you two? 40 some odd years on the line. What did you do?
Eddie: Well, Hick here was headlight alignment, and I was rear bumpers.
Tim: From the beginning to the end. Cool. You know, 42 years on the line, you must've pushed out some good Detroit iron. Ah. Let me ask you this. In all those years, what was your favorite car?
Eddie: Oh, '55 Thunderbird.
Hick: No doubt about it, the Bird.
Tim: Ford's answer to the Corvette. It was a two-seater. It had...
Eddie: V-8 engine, 3-speed overdrive.
Hick: Front suspension, A-arms, coil springs.
Tim: With that power-to-weight ratio, you could do zero to 60 in ten seconds. [all grunt]
Hick: A good grunt always cleans me out.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right. That's all the time we have for Tool Time this week. Al, what do you say we give these two American workers a Tool Time salute?
Eddie: Thank you.
Tim: And remember, men build machines, they don't build themselves. So next time you see a '55 T-Bird, remember - this is the face of the man who installed that bumper [Eddie smiles to camera], and this is the face of the man that aligned the headlights [Hick looks to camera with his crossed eyes]. Remember, if you didn't put it together with your own hands, it's not really yours. See you next time on Tool Time.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Hey, pea-brain, what are you doing?
Mark: Getting a piece of bread to feed the birds in the backyard.
Brad: You doofus. Birds don't eat bread. They eat worms.
Randy: Yeah, you have to do what a mommy bird does.
Mark: What's that?
Randy: Chew up the worms and spit it into the baby bird's mouth.
Mark: Eww. I'm not eating any worms.
Brad: Well, if you want the baby birds to starve...
Mark: Maybe I could just eat one worm.
Brad: Now you're talking.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Hi-ho, lady neighbor.
Jill: What are you doing over there?
Wilson: Oh, just letting off a little bit of steam, Jill. Hmm. Nothing relaxes me more than a good game of croquet.
Jill: Can I ask you something?
Wilson: Step up to the wicket, Jill.

Quote from Tim

Eddie: Your wife certainly lights up a room.
Tim: Yes, she certainly does.
Eddie: I'm glad to see that the two of you worked things out.
Tim: Well, I don't know how we worked things out. I apologized. I just don't think I'm ever gonna figure her out.
Eddie: Don't. You know, I was married to Tildy for 45 years, and this woman - God rest her soul - used to drive me absolutely crazy. She had these ugly little porcelain cats that she used to love to line up on the window sill. And every day for 45 years I used to take those cats off the window sill and put 'em in a cupboard. And every day for 45 years she'd take 'em out of the cupboard and put 'em back.
Tim: Where are they now?
Eddie: On the window sill.
Tim: You didn't throw them out?
Eddie: What for? You know, you don't have to understand a woman. All you got to do is love her.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, I want your opinion about a dress.
Tim: [to Mark] Save yourself. Run. Go now. Run! It's too late for me. Get out of here! Go! I'll distract her.
Jill: Very cute. Very cute. Which dress do you like?
Tim: Either one. They both look nice.
Jill: I don't wanna look nice. I wanna look different.
Tim: Well, put 'em both on. Go for that layered look.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I told you about this Wednesday morning.
Tim: No, you didn't.
Jill: Yes, I most certainly did. You just weren't listening, as usual.
Tim: Oh, wasn't listening. Why don't you repeat these things? Every time you say something important, you're walking out of the room. "Oh honey, by the way, this is very important... The health of our family relies on this... fa-fa-fa-fa-fa... Saturday night."
Jill: Well, did you keep Saturday night open?
Tim: Why should I? I didn't know what all that fa-fa-fa-fa-fa was.

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