Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. This is Al over here.
Hick: Oh, we know Al.
Eddie: Oh, we love Al.
Tim: Oh, we all love Al.
Eddie: Hey, Al, come on, give us one of them big salutes. [Al salutes]
Audience: [chants] Al, Al, Al, Al, Al...
Tim: Hey, hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I don't want to disturb this love fest you have going here, but let me remind you of something: Al is my assistant. He assists me.

Jill: Do you think that Tim is a good listener?
Wilson: Yes, I think Tim is a very good listener.
Jill: But does he understand everything you say?
Wilson: I think Tim is a very good listener.

Jill: Well, I don't think he listens to me at all. I told him about this event that we're going to three times, and he acts like I never said anything.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Jill: I don't know how I could have been clearer. I told him I was getting his tux cleaned. I told him about the hors d'oeuvres we were having Saturday night. I even circled it on the calendar. I did everything except sit him down and say, "Tim, we are going to a fundraiser Saturday night." Oh God, I never did that. Oh, man! I can't believe it. All of this arguing, and he was right. Oh, no. I feel terrible. This is all my fault. Well, I should apologize to him. Thank you, Wilson. You've really been a big help. [goes back inside]
Wilson: Hmm. Somehow it's always easier with Jill.

Tim: The first thing you wanna do is degrease this bad boy using Binford's new Engine Clean. It's perfect for home, auto and airplane. All you gotta do is spray it on a hot engine, rinse it off with ordinary tap water. At this point your wife may look at you going, [shrill voice] "What are you doing, cleaning that dirty old engine, you dumb ox? The floor needs cleaning." At this point, usually I take the hood and go: dink.
Al: That's Tim Taylor, care of Tool Time, P.O. Box 32733...
Tim: Al, Al, Al. I think the women know that I'm just joshing. And besides, why would a woman look under the hood of a car? We don't look under the washing machine, do we?
Al: That's P.O. Box 32733, Detroit... MI.

Jill: So, what are you making now?
Tim: A fireplace.
Jill: A fireplace?
Tim: Yes, even birds need a place to put their bowling trophies on.
Jill: Ooh, you know what? I have some really cute little lace curtains from an old dollhouse in the attic I was saving it for the daughter we never had.
Tim: No, no. This is a man's birdhouse. The next thing we put in is a leather recliner, so that little bird can kick back, put his thin little legs on the ottoman, pick up the paper, read it, put it back on the floor, and poop on the paper.
Jill: Well, you're the expert.
Tim: All right. Mark, this has got to dry for about 30 minutes, and then we install the Jacuzzi. You know, I could live in this house.
Jill: You got the legs for it.

Jill: Oh, come on, Tim. It's gonna be lovely. They're singing highlights from The Barber of Seville.
Tim: A stage full of 300-pound porkers going... [sings] I got a bad haircut I got a bad haircut They screwed up my bangs You should have used conditioner You should have used conditioner He said ho-ho
Jill: We're going. Oh, I almost forgot. Don't forget to... [walks away] pick up the boutonniere and a corsage for... tomorrow!
Tim: [sings] I didn't hear you I didn't hear you

Tim: Well, spring is right around the corner, Al, what do you look for ward to at springtime?
Al: Turning my clock ahead, Tim.
Tim: You party animal, you, Al.

Tim: When most people think of spring, they think of spring-cleaning. And nothing more important than cleaning your engine. Lisa? What Al and Lisa are pushing out here is the engine out of my wife's car. Just kidding. This is a very filthy 5-liter V-8, chrome valve covers, aluminum high-rise, and a four-barrel carburetor.
Lisa: There you go, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Lisa.
Al: After a long, hard winter, you wanna gap your plugs, flush your dirty radiator clean, and make sure your hose doesn't leak.
Tim: Let's not get too personal, Al.

Tim: All week long we've been doing our salute to workmanship, and who'd know more about that than you two? 40 some odd years on the line. What did you do?
Eddie: Well, Hick here was headlight alignment, and I was rear bumpers.
Tim: From the beginning to the end. Cool. You know, 42 years on the line, you must've pushed out some good Detroit iron. Ah. Let me ask you this. In all those years, what was your favorite car?
Eddie: Oh, '55 Thunderbird.
Hick: No doubt about it, the Bird.
Tim: Ford's answer to the Corvette. It was a two-seater. It had...
Eddie: V-8 engine, 3-speed overdrive.
Hick: Front suspension, A-arms, coil springs.
Tim: With that power-to-weight ratio, you could do zero to 60 in ten seconds. [all grunt]
Hick: A good grunt always cleans me out.

Tim: All right. That's all the time we have for Tool Time this week. Al, what do you say we give these two American workers a Tool Time salute?
Eddie: Thank you.
Tim: And remember, men build machines, they don't build themselves. So next time you see a '55 T-Bird, remember - this is the face of the man who installed that bumper [Eddie smiles to camera], and this is the face of the man that aligned the headlights [Hick looks to camera with his crossed eyes]. Remember, if you didn't put it together with your own hands, it's not really yours. See you next time on Tool Time.