Benny Baroni Quotes Page 1 of 6

Quote from Believe It or Not

Tim: I'm talking about extraterrestrials.
Benny: Why would a guy need more than two? [Tim and Marty laugh]

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Quote from Death Begins at Forty

Benny: Aw, if you're a real man, you can eat whatever you want. It's like they say - fat builds muscle.
Felix: Who says?
Benny: Tubby John. Right next to the warning by the Surgeon General.

Quote from Borland Ambition

Al: Uh, Harry, can, um... Can we have a little business meeting?
Harry: Sure. Step into my office. [moves over a step] OK, what is it?
Al: Well, I'm just thinking that, um, if we sell everything at cost, we won't make a profit. Well, I'm just saying that if we give Tim a discount, where does it stop? Your relatives? My relatives? Benny?
Benny: You don't have to worry about me. I never buy anything.

Quote from Ye Olde Shoppe Teacher

Mr. Leonard: And you are, uh...?
Benny: Benny Baroni.
Mr. Leonard: The reason I almost quit teaching.
Benny: You remember. Hey. What happened to the hand-crusher?
Mr. Leonard: Uh, I'm afraid I got a little arthritis in there... Hey, don't you owe me a birdhouse?
Benny: I had a lot of extra homework. Uh, I'll have it for you Tuesday.
Al: You know, Mr. Leonard, I actually won a prize with my birdhouse.
Mr. Leonard: Good. [walks away]
Benny: [to Al] Here's $20. Make me a birdhouse by Tuesday?

Quote from Super Bowl Fever

Larry: Hey, Benny, turn on the surround sound just for the touchdown.
Al: Not too loud.
Benny: Is this the one? [sparks fly]
Tim: Hey, Benny!
Benny: Let me guess. You hooked it up yourself?

Quote from Super Bowl Fever

Benny: [gets under the covers] Hey, Jill. Would you like some hot sausage? It'll sweat the fever right out of you.

Quote from The Vasectomy One

Tim: I'm not getting a vasectomy. I'm just talking about it, okay.
Marty: Yeah, well, all I know is I'd never let Nancy let me get clipped. You know? I mean, who'd want someone coming at you with a set of these?
Al: That's not what they use!
Benny: Then what does the vet use to cut them off?
Tim: What? You don't go to a vet - you go to a doctor. They don't cut anything off. They just tie something off inside.
Benny: I would still never get a vasectomy.
Harry: Well, why would you need one?

Quote from A Hardware Habit to Break

Tim: Oh. Sorry. Phew. Where was I? I thought for a minute I heard you say you were selling the hardware store.
Benny: He is. I've been totally useless ever since I heard the news.
Marty: And for 40 years before that.

Quote from A House Divided

Benny: Can you guys loan me a space heater?
Al: What for?
Benny: The furnace in my residence has a gas leak. I don't have the means to get it fixed.
Harry: What kind of dump are you living in now?
Benny: For your edification, it's an eight-room house. One room, I'm not sure what it is. It's got a lot of books in it.
Tim: The bathroom.
Al: You can't afford an eight-room house.
Benny: True, but my beloved aunt is in Florida for a few months. And while the aunt's away, the nephew will stay.
Tim: My guess is he won't pay.
Benny: And I'm covered till May.

Quote from A House Divided

Al: Hey, a leaky gas valve can be very dangerous.
Tim: That's right, Benny. It really is.
Benny: Relax. It was shut off weeks ago, the gas.
Harry: So that means you don't have any hot water?
Tim: That means you can't take a shower? [Tim, Al and Harry step away from Benny]
Benny: Not to worry. I boil the water on my hot plate and give myself a nightly sponge bath.
Tim: Makes you glad you're not a sponge, huh?

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