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‘Death Begins at Forty’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Death Begins at Forty

403. Death Begins at Forty

Aired October 4, 1994

As Tim approaches his fortieth birthday, he starts to worry about his health after Harry has a heart attack.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: You never told me you had a heart attack.
Tim: What happened?
Wilson: Well, an acute thrombus occluded my myocardial artery, which was already partially obstructed by sclerotic plaque.
Tim: Come on, cut to the chase. Were you not eating right or not exercising?
Wilson: No, no, no. Even before my heart attack, I enjoyed the same lifestyle as I do now. I ate well, got plenty of rest, I exercised regularly.
Tim: What about stress?
Wilson: I didn't have any stress. You hadn't moved in yet.

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Quote from Wilson

Tim: How did you deal with it? If it happened to me, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed.
Wilson: Well, for a long while there, Tim, I couldn't. I refused to take any risks. I even canceled my long-awaited trek up Mount Kilimanjaro.
Tim: Well, that was a good choice. You don't wanna climb anything starting with "kill a man."
Wilson: Actually, Tim, after a while I did go, and it was one of the highlights of my life.
Tim: Well, what made you change your mind?
Wilson: I realized how lucky I was. My heart attack didn't kill me, so why act like it did?
Tim: [grunts] Well, well, well...
Wilson: You see, Tim, the Roman rhetorician Seneca once said: "if we let things terrify us, then life is not worth living."

Quote from Benny

Benny: Aw, if you're a real man, you can eat whatever you want. It's like they say - fat builds muscle.
Felix: Who says?
Benny: Tubby John. Right next to the warning by the Surgeon General.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Harry and I go way back. He's an ex-Marine. He's in great shape. I played high school football with this guy.
Jill: I thought you were the team towel boy.
Tim: I'm trying to make a point here. I gotta eat better. The doctor said 40-year-old men should take better care of themselves. He called me middle-aged.
Jill: Tim, you are not middle-aged. You're barely 40, and, as I recall this morning, you were 20.
Tim: And look how time flies. I wake up 20, by noon I'm 40. At dinner I'm dead.
Jill: By tomorrow morning I'll be remarried.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Tim, look at you. You're in great shape. You have incredible energy - sometimes way too much energy - you are not gonna have a heart attack.
Tim: Well, maybe not at heart attack, but there are other things that could kill me. Tell me, what is this ugly lump on my neck?
Jill: Your head.
Tim: Can't anyone in this house have a conversation without somebody else being sarcastic?
Jill: Tim, it is a pimple.
Tim: This is not a pimple. This is fibrous. There's cords attached, things happening.
Jill: You're right. You know, it is serious. They should make a movie about it, Indiana Tim and the Pimple of Doom.
Tim: OK, make your stupid jokes.
Jill: OK. Two pimples walk into a bar...

Quote from Jill

Jill: It's cauliflower. Would you guys set the table? Your dad wants to eat healthier, so I'm making steamed vegetables, rice, chicken, and birthday watermelon for dessert.
Brad: Just because Dad thinks he's dying, why do we have to suffer?
Mark: Dad isn't really gonna die, is he?
Jill: No, honey. He's probably gonna live forever. He's already survived fire, electrocution and crashing through a Porta Potti.
Mark: Then why is he so worried?
Jill: Honey, your father will get through this. You know, all guys go a little off the deep end when they hit 40. They get insecure, they obsess about every gray hair. And pimples in places I don't even wanna know about.

Quote from Al

Al: Once you've removed the buildup, it's always a good idea to recheck the gap.
Tim: OK. Perfect. Point zero three five.
Al: You need a proper gap to get the proper spark.
Tim: How would you know? It's been years since you've given off a proper spark.
Al: As opposed to your sparks, which have caused millions of dollars in fire damage. [Tim hisses]

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: My, my, my.
Brad: We've got the leg on. What do you think of Dad's birthday present?
Wilson: That is very impressive - a man made out of tools. I think you boys have inherited your father's mechanical abilities. [the arm falls off] Yes, indeedy.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Hey. Tin Man Tim's really starting to look like Dad.
Randy: Yep. He's even got a stomach full of beer and corn nuts.
Mark: Look what we used for the nose - needle-nose pliers.
Jill: Cool. What is that steel wool supposed to be?
Brad: Oh, that's his chest hair.
Jill: Save some for his back.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I got the whole birthday mapped out. 6:00, you guys shower me with gifts. Then you fix me the thickest, juiciest steak you can find, baked potato, lots of butter, sour cream, season it with a little salt - 13 cups. Then when the little velociraptors go to bed, you and I retreat to our private love nest.
Jill: Oh, no. Not the garage again.
Tim: I made it better this year. I shellacked the workbench.
Jill: You shellacked the workbench last year and it didn't dry in time.
Tim: That's why you weren't moving.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Guess that reverse shrinking ray doesn't work on everybody. So on your way out tonight, if you step on something flannel and squishy and real little, it could be Al.
Al: Tim! Do something!

Quote from Benny

Tim: Hey, Benny. Good to see you.
Benny: Timmy.
Tim: Did you ever get that metal sliver out of your eye?
Benny: Yeah, I took your advice, Tim. I used a magnet.

Quote from Benny

Harry: What else can I get for you, Tim? Some nuts? Some bolts?
Tim: No, I don't think so. I came in looking for needle-nose pliers. Mine are missing.
Felix: That's funny. This morning I couldn't find my pipe wrench.
Benny: If this keeps up, I'm organizing a neighborhood tool watch.

Quote from Harry

Tim: Drop-forged chrome steel, cushioned grip. These any good, Harry?
Harry: Oh, yeah. And I got a special on 'em - buy a dozen, get one free.
Tim: Who needs a dozen of these, you know? But I can't pass up a freebie like that.
Harry: I love this guy.

Quote from Harry

Harry: You know, Benny's right. I eat this stuff all the time, and I'm as fit as when I was in the service.
Tim: I heard the only service you got into was the postal service.
Benny: I heard you had a rough battle with a poodle on your route.
Harry: OK. I happen to have been in the Marines. You guys know that. And we used to do push-ups on our fists. Hey, check this out. Count how many I can do in a minute. Ready? [Harry does push-ups]
Tim: One, two, three, four, five...
Felix: That all you can do? Five?
Tim: Why you breathing so hard? You act like you're having a heart attack.
Harry: I think I might be. [Tim and Benny spit out the beef jerky]
Felix: Take it easy.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hi, honey.
Jill: Oh. Look what I got for you - the thickest slab o' beef in all Detroit and your seasoning.
Tim: We gotta cancel the steak, cancel the seasoning, and, as much as I don't wanna say it, cancel our shellac party in the garage.
Jill: What are you talking about?
Tim: Harry had a heart attack.
Jill: Harry the hardware store guy?
Tim: He's OK, though. He's all right. It was a minor heart attack. It was like a wake-up call for me. I could've been the guy on the floor getting mouth-to-mouth by a 250-pound plumber.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I'm not laughing at this. Tomorrow, I'm calling every doctor I know. Cardiologists, radiologists, anesthesiologists, orthopedic surgeons...
Jill: Tim, will you stop acting like your whole life is gonna come to an end.
Tim: End, end, end. Good. Proctologist.

Quote from Randy

Brad: What's that smell?
Jill: It's your father's birthday dinner, thank you very much.
Randy: It usually doesn't smell that bad till an hour after he eats.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Hi, Wilson.
Wilson: Howdy, neighbor. Working on a flush?
Tim: What?
Wilson: I see you're holding a pair of spades. [laughs] Oh, I kill myself.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Jill. Did you know that Wilson had a heart attack 15 years ago?
Jill: He did? Oh, no. You're not gonna get all crazy about that now, are you?
Tim: No. He's OK with it and so am I. Apparently, he listened to an old Rotary named Sonoco. He said, "Life isn't really worth living if you have to pay for electricity while you're in Rome."

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