Tim: You never told me you had a heart attack. What happened?
Wilson: Well, an acute thrombus occluded my myocardial artery, which was already partially obstructed by sclerotic plaque.
Tim: Come on, cut to the chase. Were you not eating right or not exercising?
Wilson: No, no, no. Even before my heart attack, I enjoyed the same lifestyle as I do now. I ate well, got plenty of rest, I exercised regularly.
Tim: What about stress?
Wilson: I didn't have any stress. You hadn't moved in yet.

Tim: How did you deal with it? If it happened to me, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed.
Wilson: Well, for a long while there, Tim, I couldn't. I refused to take any risks. I even canceled my long-awaited trek up Mount Kilimanjaro.
Tim: Well, that was a good choice. You don't wanna climb anything starting with "kill a man."
Wilson: Actually, Tim, after a while I did go, and it was one of the highlights of my life.
Tim: Well, what made you change your mind?
Wilson: I realized how lucky I was. My heart attack didn't kill me, so why act like it did?
Tim: [grunts] Well, well, well...
Wilson: You see, Tim, the Roman rhetorician Seneca once said: "if we let things terrify us, then life is not worth living."

Benny: Aw, if you're a real man, you can eat whatever you want. It's like they say - fat builds muscle.
Felix: Who says?
Benny: Tubby John. Right next to the warning by the Surgeon General.

Tim: Harry and I go way back. He's an ex-Marine. He's in great shape. I played high school football with this guy.
Jill: I thought you were the team towel boy.
Tim: I'm trying to make a point here. I gotta eat better. The doctor said 40-year-old men should take better care of themselves. He called me middle-aged.
Jill: Tim, you are not middle-aged. You're barely 40, and, as I recall this morning, you were 20.
Tim: And look how time flies. I wake up 20, by noon I'm 40. At dinner I'm dead.
Jill: By tomorrow morning I'll be remarried.

Tim: I got the whole birthday mapped out. 6:00, you guys shower me with gifts. Then you fix me the thickest, juiciest steak you can find, baked potato, lots of butter, sour cream, season it with a little salt - 13 cups. Then when the little velociraptors go to bed, you and I retreat to our private love nest.
Jill: Oh, no. Not the garage again.
Tim: I made it better this year. I shellacked the workbench.
Jill: You shellacked the workbench last year and it didn't dry in time.
Tim: That's why you weren't moving.

Jill: Tim, look at you. You're in great shape. You have incredible energy - sometimes way too much energy - you are not gonna have a heart attack.
Tim: Well, maybe not at heart attack, but there are other things that could kill me. Tell me, what is this ugly lump on my neck?
Jill: Your head.
Tim: Can't anyone in this house have a conversation without somebody else being sarcastic?
Jill: Tim, it is a pimple.
Tim: This is not a pimple. This is fibrous. There's cords attached, things happening.
Jill: You're right. You know, it is serious. They should make a movie about it, Indiana Tim and the Pimple of Doom.
Tim: OK, make your stupid jokes.
Jill: OK. Two pimples walk into a bar...

Jill: It's cauliflower. Would you guys set the table? Your dad wants to eat healthier, so I'm making steamed vegetables, rice, chicken, and birthday watermelon for dessert.
Brad: Just because Dad thinks he's dying, why do we have to suffer?
Mark: Dad isn't really gonna die, is he?
Jill: No, honey. He's probably gonna live forever. He's already survived fire, electrocution and crashing through a Porta Potti.
Mark: Then why is he so worried?
Jill: Honey, your father will get through this. You know, all guys go a little off the deep end when they hit 40. They get insecure, they obsess about every gray hair. And pimples in places I don't even wanna know about.

Al: Once you've removed the buildup, it's always a good idea to recheck the gap.
Tim: OK. Perfect. Point zero three five.
Al: You need a proper gap to get the proper spark.
Tim: How would you know? It's been years since you've given off a proper spark.
Al: As opposed to your sparks, which have caused millions of dollars in fire damage. [Tim hisses]

Wilson: My, my, my.
Brad: We've got the leg on. What do you think of Dad's birthday present?
Wilson: That is very impressive - a man made out of tools. I think you boys have inherited your father's mechanical abilities. [the arm falls off] Yes, indeedy.

Jill: Hey. Tin Man Tim's really starting to look like Dad.
Randy: Yep. He's even got a stomach full of beer and corn nuts.
Mark: Look what we used for the nose - needle-nose pliers.
Jill: Cool. What is that steel wool supposed to be?
Brad: Oh, that's his chest hair.
Jill: Save some for his back.