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‘Shopping Around’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Shopping Around

524. Shopping Around

Aired May 7, 1996

As things get serious between Tim's mother, Lucille (Bonnie Bartlett), and his old shop teacher, Mr. Leonard (Dick O'Neill), Tim catches Mr. Leonard out with another woman.

Quote from Al

Al: It's gonna be great having you on the show, Wilson. You know, your sculptures are incredible.
Wilson: Well, thank you, Al. Ever since I was a young lad, it was always a dream of mine to create metal headwear.
Al: Well, ever since I started working with Tim, it's been a dream of mine to wear metal headwear.

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Quote from Tim

Al: Well, you have a lot of hammers to choose from. This here is a ballpeen. This is a bumping hammer. Which one would you prefer?
Mr. Leonard: Well, actually, Al, I like to use both of them.
Tim: So, one hammer's not good enough for you?
Mr. Leonard: No, no, it isn't. Each hammer gives you something different.
Tim: Well, you know, there's a lot of good solid folks out there that think you should pick one hammer and stick with that.
Mr. Leonard: Well, I think they're crazy. I even use a riveting hammer. Sometimes I use a rubber mallet.
Tim: You'll just hammer with anything, won't you?
Mr. Leonard: What the hell are you talking about?
Tim: I'm talking about a guy I thought I knew. Not a guy that goes and picks up tools in restaurants and makes out with them.
Mr. Leonard: What?
Al: All right. OK. Well, I think it's time for another break. We'll be right back after these messages from Binford.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: I thought Mr. Leonard was dating your mother.
Tim: That's what I thought. Last night I saw him kissing some other woman in a restaurant.
Wilson: Hmm. Well, it seems to me that Mr. Leonard probably has a problem with monogamy.
Tim: I don't care what kind of wood he uses. This guy's a role model, I've looked up to this guy.
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm reminded of what the English essayist, Samuel Johnson, said about teachers of morality. Oftentimes they discourse like angels. But more often, they live like men.
Tim: The only problem is my mom's never been happier.

Quote from Al

Tim: Let's give him a warm welcome out here. Mr. Art Leonard, come on!
Mr. Leonard: Hey, Timmy. How are you?
Tim: It's very exciting to have you here, Mr. Leonard.
Mr. Leonard: Thank you.
Tim: What was your reaction when I said you were coming back on Tool Time?
Mr. Leonard: Fear.
Al: Don't worry. That'll go away... once you're unconscious.

Quote from Tim

Mark: Why are you all dressed up?
Tim: 'Cause I'm taking Mom out to a real nice restaurant.
Randy: What'd you do this time?
Tim: Nothing!
Mark: That bad?
Tim: You guys have no idea what it takes to make a good marriage.
Randy: How could we?
Tim: You don't just take your wife out to dinner after you've screwed up. Sometimes you take her out before you screw up. That way you build up credit for stupid things you haven't done yet.
Randy: So, it's kind of like getting frequent screw-up miles.
Tim: I like that.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, I have to confess I am feeling a wee bit of stage fright.
Al: A little nervous, are you?
Wilson: Well, I'm fearing I'm about to experience reverse peristalsis.
Al: What do you mean?
Wilson: I'm about to blow chowder. [Al backs away from Wilson]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And you all know my assistant, Al "Metal Head" Borland.
Al: Welcome to Metal Week right here on Tool Time.
Tim: In fact, this week we invited my old high school shop teacher along. The maestro of metal.
Al: The sultan of steel.
Tim: Ooh, good. The earl of... er-luminum.

Quote from Tim

Mr. Leonard: Let's start with the gutters. Now, I've cut these pieces with an old-fashioned hack saw.
Tim: Right. Now we can attach the gutters to our fascia board using this bad boy. The Binford C02-powered nail gun. [grunts] Oh, yeah! This will shoot a thousand eight-penny nails, galvanized, in an hour.
Mr. Leonard: All right. Hold your horses!
Tim: No, Mr. Bond. You hold your horses.
Mr. Leonard: First we have to pop-rivet the joints. Now, the rivets will not be complete until they're actually... [Tim fires the nail gun] Ah! Ah! Oh! Oh-ho!
Al: You shot Mr. Leonard in the butt?
Tim: Yes. That's exactly why you shouldn't play around with a nail gun! Just calm down, I'm trained in first aid. I'll need a claw hammer, a vacuum hose, some Band-Aids and a magnet.

Quote from Tim

Lucille: Tim, you're going out to dinner. Why are you eating before you go?
Tim: Jill lets me.
Jill: Tim, how many times have I told you not to eat before we go out to dinner?
Tim: Mom lets me.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You know, Mom, whatever you and Art are doing - which I don't want to know... I'm happy.
Lucille: I really appreciate that, Tim.
Tim: You know, it's just too bad that you couldn't have dated him in high school. I would have gotten better grades. Come to think of it, you should have dated my Math and English teachers.
Lucille: Your Math teacher was a woman.
Tim: Well, if you really loved me, that wouldn't make a difference, would it?

Quote from Tim

Maitre 'D : Buon giorno.
Tim: No, Taylor. Tim Taylor. It's unbelievable how many guys think I'm this Buongiorno guy.
Jill: Amazing coincidence.
Maitre 'D : Ah, your table is ready. Antonio will be your waiter.
Tim: Thank you.
Antonio: Buon giorno.
Tim: I must be the guy's twin.

Quote from Tim

Antonio: Sir, would you care to see our wine list?
Tim: You bet I would.
Antonio: Perhaps I can interest you in the Brunello di Malticino?
Tim: Is that the price per bottle or for the vineyard?
Antonio: Perhaps you'd be interested in something a little more modest?
Tim: Maybe with a twist-off.
Antonio: In that case, may I offer you a soda? We have a root beer that's quite amusing.
Tim: And a waiter who's not. How about just two nice glasses of your house white?
Antonio: Very good, sir.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Mr. Leonard's here with another woman.
Jill: Well, it's probably his daughter.
Tim: That would make him 195 years old.
Jill: Well, maybe it's his sister.
Tim: They were kissing on the lips.
Jill: Lots of families kiss on the lips.
Tim: Yeah. The families from Deliverance.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, don't jump to any conclusions. You know what kind of man Mr. Leonard is. [sees Mr. Leonard kissing the woman] A dirty, rotten, two-timing rat!
Antonio: Would you like your wine served in the planter?
Tim: We were just admiring the greenery. What are these called?
Antonio: Plants. Might I tell you about the specials tonight?
Tim: How can you think of food at a time like this?
Antonio: Perhaps because this is a restaurant?

Quote from Tim

Jill: This is so depressing.
Tim: Tell me about it. I've looked up to that man since I was a little kid. He said all those romantic things to Mom. What'd he call her?
Jill: A peach in a little red wagon.
Tim: Probably calling her a kumquat in a little blue tractor. Here they come! Hide!
Jill: Where?
Tim: Under the table! [they get under the table]
Antonio: [looks under the table] Would you like to hear the specials now?

Quote from Tim

Antonio: May I interest you in some dessert?
Jill: Ooh, we'd love dessert.
Antonio: We have a delicious Crème brûlée.
Tim: [sees Mr. Leonard] I don't believe this guy!
Antonio: All right, it's a little bland. But the chocolate mousse is excellent.
Jill: You can't believe a word the man says.
Antonio: All right. The lemon tart. I swear by it.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, Art.
Mr. Leonard: Well, hello, Timmy.
Tim: What the heck's going on here? You have a lot of nerve.
Mr. Leonard: Careful, Tim.
Tim: She's half your age, buddy! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Mr. Leonard: Tim, I'd like you to meet my daughter.
Tim: Well, of course it's your daughter. She's half your age. [laughs] It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm just going to slip back to my table and finish my other foot.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Why don't we tell everyone what we're going to do this week.
Mr. Leonard: Oh, sure. OK. First I'll be showing you how to frame with steel. Then how to install aluminum gutters, and then we'll talk about flashing on your roof.
Tim: Which is better than where he usually does it out there in the street.
Mr. Leonard: Do you remember when you used to make cracks like that in class?
Tim: Yeah. Yeah. You used to give me that "shut up and wait in the hall" look. Is he looking at me right now?
Tim: OK, I'll stand in the hall.
Mr. Leonard: Oh, come on. Get back here.
Al: When I was in school, I never spoke until I was called on.
Mr. Leonard: Did I call on you?
Al: No.

Quote from Brad

Brad: Mom, someone's gotta take that perfume away from Grandma. The whole upstairs reeks.
Jill: She wants to smell pretty for her date with Mr. Leonard.
Brad: Grandma's going out on a date? Isn't she a little old for that?
Jill: Brad, your social life doesn't end just because you're a senior citizen.
Brad: I guess you'll find out in a couple years.
Jill: You do know that the oldest son has to feed and bathe his mother.
Brad: [shudders] Gross!

Quote from Tim

Tim: The whole upstairs stinks!
Jill: It's just your mother's perfume.
Tim: Why do you women think that we want you to smell like flowers?
Jill: What do you want us to smell like?
Tim: Cigars. If you want to attract a man, spray on a little Essence of Stogie.

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