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‘Shopping Around’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: Shopping Around

524. Shopping Around

Aired May 7, 1996

As things get serious between Tim's mother, Lucille (Bonnie Bartlett), and his old shop teacher, Mr. Leonard (Dick O'Neill), Tim catches Mr. Leonard out with another woman.

Quote from Al

Al: It's gonna be great having you on the show, Wilson. You know, your sculptures are incredible.
Wilson: Well, thank you, Al. Ever since I was a young lad, it was always a dream of mine to create metal headwear.
Al: Well, ever since I started working with Tim, it's been a dream of mine to wear metal headwear.

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Quote from Tim

Al: Well, you have a lot of hammers to choose from. This here is a ballpeen. This is a bumping hammer. Which one would you prefer?
Mr. Leonard: Well, actually, Al, I like to use both of them.
Tim: So, one hammer's not good enough for you?
Mr. Leonard: No, no, it isn't. Each hammer gives you something different.
Tim: Well, you know, there's a lot of good solid folks out there that think you should pick one hammer and stick with that.
Mr. Leonard: Well, I think they're crazy. I even use a riveting hammer. Sometimes I use a rubber mallet.
Tim: You'll just hammer with anything, won't you?
Mr. Leonard: What the hell are you talking about?
Tim: I'm talking about a guy I thought I knew. Not a guy that goes and picks up tools in restaurants and makes out with them.
Mr. Leonard: What?
Al: All right. OK. Well, I think it's time for another break. We'll be right back after these messages from Binford.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: I thought Mr. Leonard was dating your mother.
Tim: That's what I thought. Last night I saw him kissing some other woman in a restaurant.
Wilson: Hmm. Well, it seems to me that Mr. Leonard probably has a problem with monogamy.
Tim: I don't care what kind of wood he uses. This guy's a role model, I've looked up to this guy.
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm reminded of what the English essayist, Samuel Johnson, said about teachers of morality. Oftentimes they discourse like angels. But more often, they live like men.
Tim: The only problem is my mom's never been happier.

Quote from Al

Tim: Let's give him a warm welcome out here. Mr. Art Leonard, come on!
Mr. Leonard: Hey, Timmy. How are you?
Tim: It's very exciting to have you here, Mr. Leonard.
Mr. Leonard: Thank you.
Tim: What was your reaction when I said you were coming back on Tool Time?
Mr. Leonard: Fear.
Al: Don't worry. That'll go away... once you're unconscious.

Quote from Tim

Mark: Why are you all dressed up?
Tim: 'Cause I'm taking Mom out to a real nice restaurant.
Randy: What'd you do this time?
Tim: Nothing!
Mark: That bad?
Tim: You guys have no idea what it takes to make a good marriage.
Randy: How could we?
Tim: You don't just take your wife out to dinner after you've screwed up. Sometimes you take her out before you screw up. That way you build up credit for stupid things you haven't done yet.
Randy: So, it's kind of like getting frequent screw-up miles.
Tim: I like that.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, I have to confess I am feeling a wee bit of stage fright.
Al: A little nervous, are you?
Wilson: Well, I'm fearing I'm about to experience reverse peristalsis.
Al: What do you mean?
Wilson: I'm about to blow chowder. [Al backs away from Wilson]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And you all know my assistant, Al "Metal Head" Borland.
Al: Welcome to Metal Week right here on Tool Time.
Tim: In fact, this week we invited my old high school shop teacher along. The maestro of metal.
Al: The sultan of steel.
Tim: Ooh, good. The earl of... er-luminum.

Quote from Tim

Mr. Leonard: Let's start with the gutters. Now, I've cut these pieces with an old-fashioned hack saw.
Tim: Right. Now we can attach the gutters to our fascia board using this bad boy. The Binford C02-powered nail gun. [grunts] Oh, yeah! This will shoot a thousand eight-penny nails, galvanized, in an hour.
Mr. Leonard: All right. Hold your horses!
Tim: No, Mr. Bond. You hold your horses.
Mr. Leonard: First we have to pop-rivet the joints. Now, the rivets will not be complete until they're actually... [Tim fires the nail gun] Ah! Ah! Oh! Oh-ho!
Al: You shot Mr. Leonard in the butt?
Tim: Yes. That's exactly why you shouldn't play around with a nail gun! Just calm down, I'm trained in first aid. I'll need a claw hammer, a vacuum hose, some Band-Aids and a magnet.

Quote from Tim

Lucille: Tim, you're going out to dinner. Why are you eating before you go?
Tim: Jill lets me.
Jill: Tim, how many times have I told you not to eat before we go out to dinner?
Tim: Mom lets me.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You know, Mom, whatever you and Art are doing - which I don't want to know... I'm happy.
Lucille: I really appreciate that, Tim.
Tim: You know, it's just too bad that you couldn't have dated him in high school. I would have gotten better grades. Come to think of it, you should have dated my Math and English teachers.
Lucille: Your Math teacher was a woman.
Tim: Well, if you really loved me, that wouldn't make a difference, would it?

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