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‘A Night to Dismember’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: A Night to Dismember

705. A Night to Dismember

Aired October 28, 1997

Tim and Jill are freaked out when Mark makes a horror film about his family on Halloween.

Quote from Randy

Randy: I thought this was supposed to be a horror film.
Jill: You know, it's just one scene.
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: And for all we know, this may be a piece of cinema history.
Randy: Oh, it's a piece of something.

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Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, actually, I'm dressed as a mad scientist for my scene in Mark's movie. You know, he's a very talented director.
Jill: Do you really think so?
Wilson: Uh-huh. He was very clear. He knew exactly what he wanted. I think it's gonna be an excellent movie.
Tim: What's the movie about?
Wilson: I have no idea.
Tim: Neither do we. I just hope it's good and he gets a positive response.
Jill: Yeah. Then maybe he'll come out of his shell and feel more comfortable socially.
Wilson: Well, the teen years are difficult, but we always manage to get through them. You know, when I was Mark's age, my parents thought that I was an odd duck. And look at me now.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Come take a look at some old Tool Times with me, and we'll look at that episode in slow motion. This is a classic library, honey. "Repairing a Gas Heater."
Jill: Or how to blow up a house.
Tim: Yeah. Oh, wow! "Veneering a Table."
Jill: How to glue a board to your head.
Tim: "Suburban House of Horrors"?
Jill: Is that the one where you burned down the garage or filled the basement with sewage?

Quote from Mark

[Mark's movie:]
Mark: Hello, Dr. Wilsonstein. I need a potion.
Wilson: What is your pleasure, Clark?
Mark: I need something that'll make my family look as weird as they think I am.
Wilson: The Number Six. Selling like hotcakes today. [evil laugh]
Al: You rang, Dr. Wilsonstein?
Mark: Who's that?
Wilson: That is my assistant, Algore. He assists me. Algore, I need four of my special face-distorting potions. I see you sampled one yourself.
Al: I don't think so, Doc. [Mark cackles] [Wilson laughs]

Quote from Mark

[Mark's movie:]
Mark: Thanks to Dr. Wilsonstein, I've turned my horrible family into zombies. Now I have the whole house to myself.
Heidi: Oh, Clark?
Mark: Well, almost to myself.
Heidi: More root beer?
Mark: Don't mind if I do.
Tim & Jill: Let me in. Let me in.
Tim: Let me in.
Ronny: Clark, parents.
Heidi: What are you gonna do about them, Clarkie?
Mark: I'll tell you what I'm going to do. It's time to say goodbye to them forever. [Mark and Heidi cackle]

Quote from Brad

Jill: Who was that?
Brad: One guy on the team's having people over for Halloween. He wanted to tell me what to bring.
Jill: You know, I don't think that Mark has any plans on Halloween. Could you take him along with you?
Brad: Mom, I'm supposed to bring the chips, not the dip.

Quote from Randy

Jill: Randy, what about you and Lauren? You're going to a costume party, right?
Randy: Yeah. We're going as the scariest people we could think of: Republicans.
Jill: Why don't you take Mark along?
Randy: That's a little too scary.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Welcome to Tool Time. And of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland. [applause]
Al: Thank you. This year we're kicking off Halloween week with a very special event: Pumpkin racing.
Tim: That's right. On this very ramp, Al and I will be racing our pumpkins in the first annual Tool Time Gourd-O-Rama. Well? We all ready?
Al: I was born ready.
Tim: Interesting. Let's compare our pumpkin-mobiles.
Heidi: Here you are, Tim.
Al: Well, mine first! [audience cheers] Thank you. Well, I built my Borland beauty according to the rules set down by the Pumpkin-Racing Council of Manhattan Beach, California. It runs on independent axles and it is powered entirely by gravity.
Tim: And nobody knows more about gravity than Al.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Let's take a look at this bad boy. Yeah. This is a graphite tube frame, independent suspension. And under the hood, a two-cycle, ethanol-powered chain saw motor.
Al: Excuse me, Tim, but according to the pumpkin-racing bylaws, section one, paragraph one, word one, "No engines allowed."
Tim: Oh mon Dieu.
Al: Well, sure you can joke. But for seven years you've been putting an engine in everything you can think of, and then you have an unfair advantage.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I'm worried about Mark spending Halloween alone in the house here. Or worse, with that weird new friend of his, Ronny.
Tim: He's been moping around the house a lot lately. What's the matter with him? When I was his age, I was always doing productive stuff, you know. Whether it was reading car magazines or... That was really all that I ever did.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well, it was encouraging. I mean, he's finally interested in something. And it's gonna include the whole family. It's good.
Tim: Little problem, though.
Jill: What?
Tim: My contract demands.
Jill: Which would be?
Tim: I don't work cheap. I do not do nude scenes. [Jill laughs] Unless it's integral to the plot.

Quote from Mark

Ronny: Halloween film, take three.
Mark: And action!
Tim: [enters] Hi, honey. I'm home.
Jill: Hi, sweetie. How was your day at the office, Jim?
Tim: [laughs] Peachy, Lil. Say, I got the Dithers account. Which means that washer/dryer combo is all yours.
Jill: What a fella! Now we can be the family of tomorrow today.
Tim: Look, it's our two sons, Chad and Andy.
Brad: Hey, great news, Mom and Pop! As you know, I'm very athletic. And today, as always, I scored the winning touchdown.
Tim: Crackerjack, son!
Jill: That's wonderful! Have a cookie!
Brad: Thank you.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Come on. We're doing this to help Mark out. And you know what? Just for starting out, I think it's a pretty damn good movie.
Brad: Not surprising considering your favorite film is Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein.
Tim: Hey, that movie was important! It was about relationships.

Quote from Tim

Jill: If this movie is bad, Mark is just gonna be devastated. Then he's gonna go back to moping all the time.
Tim: Jill, you're jumping the gun. This movie, it's bound to get better.
Jill: It could just be that, you know, it just starts out with the happy family.
Tim: Yeah, yeah.
Jill: And once you get to know and love us, we get terrorized by blood-sucking cannibals.
Tim: Perfect! Yeah!
Jill: ...who rip up our flesh and eat us alive!
Tim: Yeah! A love story! I like it!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, I finished.
Jill: What did you do to it?
Tim: I modified it for my rematch with Al. This is the only gourd in the city with an anti-sway bar on it.

Quote from Jill

Tim: [on Mark's video] Hi, honey. I'm home.
Jill: [on Mark's video] Hi, sweetie.
Tim: It's black and white. I look good in black and white.
Jill: Unfortunately, I have to live with you in color.

Quote from Tim

Mark: Mom, Dad, we're almost ready for your scene.
Jill: This is creepy.
Tim: This is great! I can't wait to do this scene. And look at this. These little wax heads. They look just like Randy and Brad. [Tim feels their faces]
Brad & Randy: Dad!
Jill: Gosh, this is awful! I mean, look at this altar. And the heads in the basket. And the fog. It's giving me the willies.
Tim: But he's decapitated his brothers in such a fun, creative way.
Brad: We're not dead yet. Mark just wanted to see how our heads would look in a basket.
Tim: You know, I've often wondered that myself.

Quote from Randy

Brad: If you were gonna be executed, how would you dress?
Randy: Very slowly.

Quote from Mark

Jill: These last few months you've been really quiet and withdrawn.
Mark: Maybe that's just how I am. You know, I'm not like Brad and Randy.
Jill: Nobody's asking you to be like Brad and Randy. You're different. That's OK.
Mark: It doesn't seem OK.
Tim: What do you mean?
Mark: I mean, you don't like my clothes. You don't like my friends.
Jill: OK. OK. Look, it is hard to come downstairs one morning and find your son suddenly dressing, all the time, in nothing but black clothes.
Tim: Yeah. And with black nail polish.
Jill: But, you know, given some time, we're adjusting to that.
Mark: What about Ronny?
Tim: It might take a little longer to adjust to that.

Quote from Mark

Jill: Look, honey, just because I may not like one of your friends, or your movie is so good that it freaks me out, doesn't mean that I don't love you as much as I love your brothers. And we want to support you in whatever it is that interests you.
Mark: You're not just saying that?
Tim: No.
Jill: Of course not.
Tim: We're your parents. We're here to help.
Mark: You really want to help?
Tim: Yeah.
Mark: Let me chop off your heads.

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