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‘A Night to Dismember’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: A Night to Dismember

705. A Night to Dismember

Aired October 28, 1997

Tim and Jill are freaked out when Mark makes a horror film about his family on Halloween.

Quote from Randy

Randy: I thought this was supposed to be a horror film.
Jill: You know, it's just one scene.
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: And for all we know, this may be a piece of cinema history.
Randy: Oh, it's a piece of something.

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Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, actually, I'm dressed as a mad scientist for my scene in Mark's movie. You know, he's a very talented director.
Jill: Do you really think so?
Wilson: Uh-huh. He was very clear. He knew exactly what he wanted. I think it's gonna be an excellent movie.
Tim: What's the movie about?
Wilson: I have no idea.
Tim: Neither do we. I just hope it's good and he gets a positive response.
Jill: Yeah. Then maybe he'll come out of his shell and feel more comfortable socially.
Wilson: Well, the teen years are difficult, but we always manage to get through them. You know, when I was Mark's age, my parents thought that I was an odd duck. And look at me now.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Come take a look at some old Tool Times with me, and we'll look at that episode in slow motion. This is a classic library, honey. "Repairing a Gas Heater."
Jill: Or how to blow up a house.
Tim: Yeah. Oh, wow! "Veneering a Table."
Jill: How to glue a board to your head.
Tim: "Suburban House of Horrors"?
Jill: Is that the one where you burned down the garage or filled the basement with sewage?

Quote from Mark

[Mark's movie:]
Mark: Hello, Dr. Wilsonstein. I need a potion.
Wilson: What is your pleasure, Clark?
Mark: I need something that'll make my family look as weird as they think I am.
Wilson: The Number Six. Selling like hotcakes today. [evil laugh]
Al: You rang, Dr. Wilsonstein?
Mark: Who's that?
Wilson: That is my assistant, Algore. He assists me. Algore, I need four of my special face-distorting potions. I see you sampled one yourself.
Al: I don't think so, Doc. [Mark cackles] [Wilson laughs]

Quote from Mark

[Mark's movie:]
Mark: Thanks to Dr. Wilsonstein, I've turned my horrible family into zombies. Now I have the whole house to myself.
Heidi: Oh, Clark?
Mark: Well, almost to myself.
Heidi: More root beer?
Mark: Don't mind if I do.
Tim & Jill: Let me in. Let me in.
Tim: Let me in.
Ronny: Clark, parents.
Heidi: What are you gonna do about them, Clarkie?
Mark: I'll tell you what I'm going to do. It's time to say goodbye to them forever. [Mark and Heidi cackle]

Quote from Brad

Jill: Who was that?
Brad: One guy on the team's having people over for Halloween. He wanted to tell me what to bring.
Jill: You know, I don't think that Mark has any plans on Halloween. Could you take him along with you?
Brad: Mom, I'm supposed to bring the chips, not the dip.

Quote from Randy

Jill: Randy, what about you and Lauren? You're going to a costume party, right?
Randy: Yeah. We're going as the scariest people we could think of: Republicans.
Jill: Why don't you take Mark along?
Randy: That's a little too scary.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Welcome to Tool Time. And of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland. [applause]
Al: Thank you. This year we're kicking off Halloween week with a very special event: Pumpkin racing.
Tim: That's right. On this very ramp, Al and I will be racing our pumpkins in the first annual Tool Time Gourd-O-Rama. Well? We all ready?
Al: I was born ready.
Tim: Interesting. Let's compare our pumpkin-mobiles.
Heidi: Here you are, Tim.
Al: Well, mine first! [audience cheers] Thank you. Well, I built my Borland beauty according to the rules set down by the Pumpkin-Racing Council of Manhattan Beach, California. It runs on independent axles and it is powered entirely by gravity.
Tim: And nobody knows more about gravity than Al.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Let's take a look at this bad boy. Yeah. This is a graphite tube frame, independent suspension. And under the hood, a two-cycle, ethanol-powered chain saw motor.
Al: Excuse me, Tim, but according to the pumpkin-racing bylaws, section one, paragraph one, word one, "No engines allowed."
Tim: Oh mon Dieu.
Al: Well, sure you can joke. But for seven years you've been putting an engine in everything you can think of, and then you have an unfair advantage.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I'm worried about Mark spending Halloween alone in the house here. Or worse, with that weird new friend of his, Ronny.
Tim: He's been moping around the house a lot lately. What's the matter with him? When I was his age, I was always doing productive stuff, you know. Whether it was reading car magazines or... That was really all that I ever did.

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