Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Al's Video’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Al's Video

605. Al's Video

Aired October 15, 1996

When Al gets a job presenting a how to video about tools, he invites Tim to be the project's director. Meanwhile, Jill gets a new computer.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, Tim, this reminds me of a famous quote by Aristotle. "He who has not learned to obey cannot be a great leader."
Tim: I should have let him do it his way. I had this vision. I was gonna do something magnificent, trying to emulate the great Hitchcock.
Wilson: Alfred or Herb?
Tim: The director! Herb.
Wilson: No, no, no, no, Tim. You don't want to emulate Herb Hitchcock.
Tim: Yes, I do. He was fabulous.
Wilson: Well, he was kicked out of the business...
Tim: Oh, that's what everybody says.
Wilson: ...for going wildly over budget. He hired a cast of thousands for the staining scene in How to Make a Table part three.
Tim: It was brilliant. Staining a table during a chariot race. Come on!

Rate

Quote from Harry

Al: Hey, guys. Guess what? I have just been asked to star in my very own video!
Harry: [chuckling] The Al Borland Workout? Abs of Flab.
Tim: That's something you want to see, Al in a thong. "All right, girls, two, three... Watch those carbs. Come on. Late night snacks, that's a no-no."

Quote from Harry

Harry: Hey, can I be in your video?
Tim: We never put you on Tool Time. Why would Al put you in a video?
Harry: Well, I got a lot of experience in dinner theater.
Tim: You were an actor?
Harry: No, a waiter.

Quote from Al

Tim: Who are you getting to direct it?
Al: Well, I would need someone experienced, you know. Who knows tools, knows television and the Al Borland personality.
Tim: Boy, that will be tough. There is no Al Borland personality.
Al: You see? That's the humor that tells me you're the man for the job.
Tim: You want me to direct it?
Al: Tim, you took Tool Time from the ground up. I mean, you gave it a visual style that has not been seen on a cable television show. Face it. You're a legend, Tim.
Tim: Ah, yes. There's no money in this, is there?
Al: Not a nickel. And if you could bring a sack lunch...

Quote from Randy

Brad: Oh, that's the external tape drive. Mom, I hope you know this is a lot more sophisticated than your old computer.
Jill: OK, I'm ready to go.
Randy: Uh, not quite. Before you boot up your CPU you gotta connect your peripherals.
Mark: Yeah, then you got to load all your drivers.
Brad: And when you're finished with that, you've got to load all your software, making sure you still have a terminator in your SCSl port.
Jill: What?
Randy: Then you gotta program your new computer to interface with your old printer by selecting the driver from the chooser. Good luck, Mom.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I can't play now. I gotta do my research. I'm directing my first "how-to" video.
Jill: Oh, that's great. Is that for Binford?
Tim: No, it's kind of a low-budget company Al got hooked up with. But if I do the video right, I might be able to sell Binford on doing "how-to" videos. I could be the next Hitchcock.
Jill: Tim, Alfred Hitchcock didn't direct any "how-to" videos.
Tim: Not Alfred Hitchcock. Herb Hitchcock! He's famous. The first one: How to Make a Cabinet. How to Repair a Rock. That was a great one. How to Make a Table. Oh, my favorite. How to Make a Table, Part Deux.
Jill: Isn't that the one you forced me to watch on our wedding night?
Tim: No, that was What to do About a Squeaky Bed.

Quote from Tim

Al: Uh, look, Tim, about the video... Now, the way you've been going, there's no chance of us being able to finish tomorrow.
Tim: I'm glad you brought that up. It's a good time to go back to the production company and ask for more time. It might be a good idea to ask them for a little bit more do-re-mi, if you know what I'm talking about.
Al: I was thinking of getting a new director.
Tim: You're thinking about firing me?
Al: You give me no choice. You've taken a simple instructional video and you've turned it into Gone With the Wind.
Tim: Yeah, but without my help, your video career's gonna be gone with the wind!
Al: I think there are some people out there that like the Al Borland style. [Tim groans] Maybe that is why they asked me to star in it instead of you.
Tim: They picked you 'cause they couldn't afford a star like me!
Al: You're a deluded egomaniac.
Tim: And you're a chubby little flannel man.

Quote from Jill

Jill: OK. What do you think of this screen name?
Ilene: "Sick of tools"? You can't use that.
Jill: Why not?
Ilene: That's my screen name.

Quote from Tim

Ilene: What happened?
Tim: We had totally opposite visions on how to produce this video.
Ilene: So, it was creative differences.
Tim: Yeah. I'm creative, he's different.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I'm, of course, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. You all know my assistant, Al Borland. All this week it's sealant week. Today we're talkin' about caulkin'.

Quote from Al

Tim: Okay, today Felix is gonna show us the proper way to caulk a toilet, shower or sink.
Felix: And I can also show you how to caulk your windows and glass doors.
Tim: Good, we'll see that later.
Al: Well, in the interest of time, why don't we concentrate just on bathroom fixtures?
Tim: Al's always interested in saving time, even at the expense of quality.
Al: I am all for quality, but time is money.
Tim: Always money? That how you see it?
Felix: Getting back to caulking... There are different types: Acrylic with latex, oil-based and silicone.
Tim: Marv, why don't you come in and get a nice product shot here?
Al: Why not a panoramic shot, Tim? Bring in a crane. Or we could rip off the roof and get a shot from a helicopter.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Felix, do you see any problem with a guy showing a little pride in his work?
Felix: I'm just here to caulk a toilet.
Al: Well, why don't we get back to the different types of caulking guns?
Tim: Yes, why don't we?
Felix: Uh, those are electric guns. You might want to be careful... [Tim fires caulk at Felix] ...with those triggers.
Tim: Sorry, Felix, I didn't mean to do that.
Al: You'll have to excuse Tim. He has a tough time keeping things under control.
Tim: I know how to control myself, Al. [shoots caulk at Al]
[After Tim moves out of the way when Al goes to shoot caulk at him, Felix gets hit once again]
Al: I am so sorry, Felix. I am so sorry!
Felix: I don't need this. [stammering] I could be cleaning out a septic tank!
[As Tim bends over, Al shoots caulk at his rear end. When Tim stands up, he's holding a gigantic "Binford 6100" caulking gun. Tim waves for Felix to get out of the way.]
Tim: Move over! [shoots caulk at Al]

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Shalom, good neighbor.
Tim: OK. Well, you finished your vegetable hut. I'm sure it commemorates something.
Wilson: This, Tim, is a sukkah. It is what is built for the Jewish harvest festival of Sukkot. Which, yes indeed, does commemorate the ancient Hebrews wandering through the desert.
Tim: I'd be wandering around looking for the bathroom.
Wilson: Actually, Tim, the tribes of Israel have celebrated in these symbolic structures for thousands of years.
Tim: It'll be a thousand years before I celebrate with Al again. He'll be picking caulk out of his beard till the next Sukkot.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hi, Al.
Al: What are you doing here?
Tim: Well, I'm thinking about the immortal words of Aristotle. "Only the boss should be able to invite a thousand people to have dessert."
Al: Must have lost something in the translation.

Quote from Mark

Jill: OK. I've loaded all the research data. Now what do I do?
Mark: You pay your computer consultant.
Jill: How about dinner and a roof over your head?
Mark: Fair enough.

Quote from Harry

Al: Tim, I-I-I... We're starting to get way behind schedule. We have to be out by 4:00.
Tim: Harry will let us shoot past 4:00, right?
Harry: Yeah, sure, if you got a part for me. You know, I do a great Brando. [imitating Marlon Brando] Stella!
Tim: We can be out by 4:00.

Quote from Randy

Brad: You got a new computer.
Jill: Yeah. Your father crashed my old one for the tenth time. The guy at the store said I should get something small and easy to hide.
Mark: It's a really cool laptop.
Brad: Yeah.
Jill: It really is. I have a CD-ROM, a scanner and I'm not sure what's in that box.
Randy: It's Styrofoam packing material.
Jill: Not that.

Quote from Jill

Tim: [whistles] Hey. You got your new computer. Yippee-ai-kai-aye-ai-oh. Look at all that stuff there. I hope you got my favorite game, Monkey Town.
Jill: It didn't come with any games.
Tim: Boy, they saw you coming.
Jill: Tim, this is not a toy. This is a serious tool. Now come over here and see all the way-fun stuff I got to go with it.

Quote from Tim

Tim: And action.
Al: Welcome to How to Stock Your Toolbox. I'm Al Borland, your host. Al Borland. Take a stroll with me down aisle one, as we explore the exciting world of screwdrivers.
Tim: Cut. Good. Let's move on.
Al: OK. Where do you want me to stand?
Tim: Out of the way. OK. Manuel, this is gonna be a panoramic shot of the screwdriver aisle, right. Why don't you come down here, long shot. All right, let's start with the slotted screwdrivers and then zoom in on the Phillips head and a nice dramatic tilt up to the torque screwdrivers in the back, okay?
Al: Well, Tim, we don't have time for all this artsy camera work. We have two days to do this.
Tim: I got all the shots right up here.
Al: Well, my idea for the video is to be simple and direct.
Tim: I'll take simple and direct and expand it, mold it, shape it and make it... good. Come on, trust me, my little pumpkin.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Pull back from the combination wrenches. Not so fast! Come on. Not so fast. All right. Steady. Slow pan across the ratchets. Cut. Perfect. One more time.
Al: If it was perfect, why one more time?
Tim: I got a vision. Start on a tight shot of the ratchet wrench, which is the heart and soul of the wrench family. Can you feel it?

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode