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‘Al's Video’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: Al's Video

605. Al's Video

Aired October 15, 1996

When Al gets a job presenting a how to video about tools, he invites Tim to be the project's director. Meanwhile, Jill gets a new computer.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, Tim, this reminds me of a famous quote by Aristotle. "He who has not learned to obey cannot be a great leader."
Tim: I should have let him do it his way. I had this vision. I was gonna do something magnificent, trying to emulate the great Hitchcock.
Wilson: Alfred or Herb?
Tim: The director! Herb.
Wilson: No, no, no, no, Tim. You don't want to emulate Herb Hitchcock.
Tim: Yes, I do. He was fabulous.
Wilson: Well, he was kicked out of the business...
Tim: Oh, that's what everybody says.
Wilson: ...for going wildly over budget. He hired a cast of thousands for the staining scene in How to Make a Table part three.
Tim: It was brilliant. Staining a table during a chariot race. Come on!

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Quote from Harry

Al: Hey, guys. Guess what? I have just been asked to star in my very own video!
Harry: [chuckling] The Al Borland Workout? Abs of Flab.
Tim: That's something you want to see, Al in a thong. "All right, girls, two, three... Watch those carbs. Come on. Late night snacks, that's a no-no."

Quote from Harry

Harry: Hey, can I be in your video?
Tim: We never put you on Tool Time. Why would Al put you in a video?
Harry: Well, I got a lot of experience in dinner theater.
Tim: You were an actor?
Harry: No, a waiter.

Quote from Al

Tim: Who are you getting to direct it?
Al: Well, I would need someone experienced, you know. Who knows tools, knows television and the Al Borland personality.
Tim: Boy, that will be tough. There is no Al Borland personality.
Al: You see? That's the humor that tells me you're the man for the job.
Tim: You want me to direct it?
Al: Tim, you took Tool Time from the ground up. I mean, you gave it a visual style that has not been seen on a cable television show. Face it. You're a legend, Tim.
Tim: Ah, yes. There's no money in this, is there?
Al: Not a nickel. And if you could bring a sack lunch...

Quote from Randy

Brad: Oh, that's the external tape drive. Mom, I hope you know this is a lot more sophisticated than your old computer.
Jill: OK, I'm ready to go.
Randy: Uh, not quite. Before you boot up your CPU you gotta connect your peripherals.
Mark: Yeah, then you got to load all your drivers.
Brad: And when you're finished with that, you've got to load all your software, making sure you still have a terminator in your SCSl port.
Jill: What?
Randy: Then you gotta program your new computer to interface with your old printer by selecting the driver from the chooser. Good luck, Mom.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I can't play now. I gotta do my research. I'm directing my first "how-to" video.
Jill: Oh, that's great. Is that for Binford?
Tim: No, it's kind of a low-budget company Al got hooked up with. But if I do the video right, I might be able to sell Binford on doing "how-to" videos. I could be the next Hitchcock.
Jill: Tim, Alfred Hitchcock didn't direct any "how-to" videos.
Tim: Not Alfred Hitchcock. Herb Hitchcock! He's famous. The first one: How to Make a Cabinet. How to Repair a Rock. That was a great one. How to Make a Table. Oh, my favorite. How to Make a Table, Part Deux.
Jill: Isn't that the one you forced me to watch on our wedding night?
Tim: No, that was What to do About a Squeaky Bed.

Quote from Tim

Al: Uh, look, Tim, about the video... Now, the way you've been going, there's no chance of us being able to finish tomorrow.
Tim: I'm glad you brought that up. It's a good time to go back to the production company and ask for more time. It might be a good idea to ask them for a little bit more do-re-mi, if you know what I'm talking about.
Al: I was thinking of getting a new director.
Tim: You're thinking about firing me?
Al: You give me no choice. You've taken a simple instructional video and you've turned it into Gone With the Wind.
Tim: Yeah, but without my help, your video career's gonna be gone with the wind!
Al: I think there are some people out there that like the Al Borland style. [Tim groans] Maybe that is why they asked me to star in it instead of you.
Tim: They picked you 'cause they couldn't afford a star like me!
Al: You're a deluded egomaniac.
Tim: And you're a chubby little flannel man.

Quote from Jill

Jill: OK. What do you think of this screen name?
Ilene: "Sick of tools"? You can't use that.
Jill: Why not?
Ilene: That's my screen name.

Quote from Tim

Ilene: What happened?
Tim: We had totally opposite visions on how to produce this video.
Ilene: So, it was creative differences.
Tim: Yeah. I'm creative, he's different.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I'm, of course, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. You all know my assistant, Al Borland. All this week it's sealant week. Today we're talkin' about caulkin'.

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