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‘The Son Also Mooches’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: The Son Also Mooches

721. The Son Also Mooches

Aired April 21, 1998

Tim's older brother Jeff moves in with their mom after his business goes under. Meanwhile, Jill refuses to accept she needs glasses.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, have you considered talking to your mom?
Tim: I can't talk to my mom about this.
Wilson: Why not?
Tim: Tell her that I think that her oldest son, my brother, is a loser?
Wilson: Well, Tim, if that is the case, it'll hurt her feelings, but isn't that better than seeing her savings wiped out?
Tim: So, what are you saying I should do, just lay it out, put everything on the table?
Wilson: Well, I'm reminded of the famous words, "When in doubt, tell the truth." Samuel Langhorne Clemens.
Tim: That big cartoon rooster? Well, I say, boy... Well, I say, boy...
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, no. See, Samuel Clemens is the real name of Mark Twain, one of America's greatest thinkers.
Tim: Well, that big chicken's pretty smart. Gave that dog a run for his money. I say, boy, I say, boy, that dog is dumber than a sack of wet beans.


Quote from Tim

Tim: If Mom believes in you, so do I.
Jeff: I appreciate that.
Tim: I'm just telling the truth, like a famous American said we should.
Jeff: What famous American?
Tim: Come on. Samuel Foghorn Leghorn.
Jeff: He was one smart chicken.
Tim: No, I'm talking about Mark Twain. The guy that wrote Huckleberry Hound.
Jeff: When you were a kid, did Mom drop you on your head?
Tim: Yeah. The same day she dunked your head in that vat of Nair.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, Tim, I can't find the drain plug to this thing. Can you give me a hand?
Tim: It's an old Studebaker. It's over on the left side. You got a lantern?
Wilson: Yep, right here.
Tim: Looks like it came off a ship. Where'd you get it? Off the Titanic?
Wilson: Yes.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Welcome to Tool Time on location. And now the star of our show, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!
Tim: Whoaaaaa! Thank you, Heidi. Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "Yee-Haw Man" Taylor. Of course, you all know my assistant, Mr. Al.
Al: Tim, come on. Where'd you put my shirt? Oh, now, that's not funny.
Tim: It's sad, actually. The shirt's big on the horse.
Heidi: Here you go, Al.
Al: Oh, you guys.

Quote from Al

Tim: OK, Delvin, why don't you show us some of the tools of the blacksmith trade?
Delvin Horsted: Well, the most important tool to any blacksmith is his anvil.
Al: That's right. The anvil is where the blacksmith hammers. Now, in the old days these were made out of cast iron. But today they're made out of forged steel.
Tim: [strikes a hammer against the anvil] Boy, that's an obnoxious noise.
Delvin Horsted: I thought this was a tool show.
Al: [chuckles] It is.

Quote from Tim

Al: So why don't we take a look at these tools right now?
Tim: Ooh, I know all about these.
Delvin Horsted: What do you know about tongs?
Tim: Shh, quiet. It's the Chinese Mafia.
Delvin Horsted: These are 36-inch tongs.
Tim: Oh. The kind that Al's mom wears at the beach.
Delvin Horsted: I use them... I use them to take heavy pieces of metal out of the fire. The length keeps my hands away from the heat.
Tim: That's very important to a blacksmith. That way you keep your hands soft and silky-smooth.
Delvin Horsted: I'm not the one wearing make-up.
Al: [to Tim] Behave yourself.

Quote from Tim

Al: All right, now that we know something about these tools, why don't we put 'em to work? This is Whiskey Pete, here. Whiskey, how about some new shoes?
Tim: Let's put her in something like an espadrille or a slingback.
Delvin Horsted: This is a horse!
Tim: Of course! Of course!
Al: Delvin, now, what would be the first thing you do when putting on new shoes?
Delvin Horsted: Well, first you take off the old shoe. You get a firm grip on the animal's hoof and pull out the nails with these pliers.
Tim: Let me give that a shot. Hold onto that hoof. I don't want that horse kicking me and turning me into a gelding.
Delvin Horsted: [yells] My thumb! That's it! That's it! Let me show you tool boys something else you can do with tongs.
Horse: We'll be right back after these words from Binford.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Guys, think about it. Do I look like an old person? Do I act like an old person? Do I move like an old person?
Randy: So many questions, so little time.
Brad: What he said.
Mark: Yeah.
Jill: Oh, come on. I am not old. I am youthful. I am full of youth. I'm vibrant. I'm in my prime.
Tim: Do you want me to hold that from over here?

Quote from Tim

Lucille: Who is it?
Tim: [over intercocm] It's Avon calling, ma'am. I've got a peach blush that's to die for.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hmm. I love what you've done with your hair.
Jeff: Uh-huh.
Tim: Where do you keep it?
Jeff: On your back.

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