Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘The Son Also Mooches’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: The Son Also Mooches

721. The Son Also Mooches

Aired April 21, 1998

Tim's older brother Jeff moves in with their mom after his business goes under. Meanwhile, Jill refuses to accept she needs glasses.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, have you considered talking to your mom?
Tim: I can't talk to my mom about this.
Wilson: Why not?
Tim: Tell her that I think that her oldest son, my brother, is a loser?
Wilson: Well, Tim, if that is the case, it'll hurt her feelings, but isn't that better than seeing her savings wiped out?
Tim: So, what are you saying I should do, just lay it out, put everything on the table?
Wilson: Well, I'm reminded of the famous words, "When in doubt, tell the truth." Samuel Langhorne Clemens.
Tim: That big cartoon rooster? Well, I say, boy... Well, I say, boy...
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, no. See, Samuel Clemens is the real name of Mark Twain, one of America's greatest thinkers.
Tim: Well, that big chicken's pretty smart. Gave that dog a run for his money. I say, boy, I say, boy, that dog is dumber than a sack of wet beans.

Rate

Quote from Tim

Tim: If Mom believes in you, so do I.
Jeff: I appreciate that.
Tim: I'm just telling the truth, like a famous American said we should.
Jeff: What famous American?
Tim: Come on. Samuel Foghorn Leghorn.
Jeff: He was one smart chicken.
Tim: No, I'm talking about Mark Twain. The guy that wrote Huckleberry Hound.
Jeff: When you were a kid, did Mom drop you on your head?
Tim: Yeah. The same day she dunked your head in that vat of Nair.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, Tim, I can't find the drain plug to this thing. Can you give me a hand?
Tim: It's an old Studebaker. It's over on the left side. You got a lantern?
Wilson: Yep, right here.
Tim: Looks like it came off a ship. Where'd you get it? Off the Titanic?
Wilson: Yes.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Welcome to Tool Time on location. And now the star of our show, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor!
Tim: Whoaaaaa! Thank you, Heidi. Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "Yee-Haw Man" Taylor. Of course, you all know my assistant, Mr. Al.
Al: Tim, come on. Where'd you put my shirt? Oh, now, that's not funny.
Tim: It's sad, actually. The shirt's big on the horse.
Heidi: Here you go, Al.
Al: Oh, you guys.

Quote from Al

Tim: OK, Delvin, why don't you show us some of the tools of the blacksmith trade?
Delvin Horsted: Well, the most important tool to any blacksmith is his anvil.
Al: That's right. The anvil is where the blacksmith hammers. Now, in the old days these were made out of cast iron. But today they're made out of forged steel.
Tim: [strikes a hammer against the anvil] Boy, that's an obnoxious noise.
Delvin Horsted: I thought this was a tool show.
Al: [chuckles] It is.

Quote from Tim

Al: So why don't we take a look at these tools right now?
Tim: Ooh, I know all about these.
Delvin Horsted: What do you know about tongs?
Tim: Shh, quiet. It's the Chinese Mafia.
Delvin Horsted: These are 36-inch tongs.
Tim: Oh. The kind that Al's mom wears at the beach.
Delvin Horsted: I use them... I use them to take heavy pieces of metal out of the fire. The length keeps my hands away from the heat.
Tim: That's very important to a blacksmith. That way you keep your hands soft and silky-smooth.
Delvin Horsted: I'm not the one wearing make-up.
Al: [to Tim] Behave yourself.

Quote from Tim

Al: All right, now that we know something about these tools, why don't we put 'em to work? This is Whiskey Pete, here. Whiskey, how about some new shoes?
Tim: Let's put her in something like an espadrille or a slingback.
Delvin Horsted: This is a horse!
Tim: Of course! Of course!
Al: Delvin, now, what would be the first thing you do when putting on new shoes?
Delvin Horsted: Well, first you take off the old shoe. You get a firm grip on the animal's hoof and pull out the nails with these pliers.
Tim: Let me give that a shot. Hold onto that hoof. I don't want that horse kicking me and turning me into a gelding.
Delvin Horsted: [yells] My thumb! That's it! That's it! Let me show you tool boys something else you can do with tongs.
Horse: We'll be right back after these words from Binford.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Guys, think about it. Do I look like an old person? Do I act like an old person? Do I move like an old person?
Randy: So many questions, so little time.
Brad: What he said.
Mark: Yeah.
Jill: Oh, come on. I am not old. I am youthful. I am full of youth. I'm vibrant. I'm in my prime.
Tim: Do you want me to hold that from over here?

Quote from Tim

Lucille: Who is it?
Tim: [over intercocm] It's Avon calling, ma'am. I've got a peach blush that's to die for.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hmm. I love what you've done with your hair.
Jeff: Uh-huh.
Tim: Where do you keep it?
Jeff: On your back.

Quote from Tim

Lucille: Jeff's new business didn't work out quite as well as he'd hoped, so he's gonna be living here for a while.
Marty: You're kidding?
Tim: I thought everything was on track.
Jeff: Well, I thought so, too, but you know, it's this darn economy.
Tim: The economy hasn't been this good since they sunk the Lusitania.
Marty: I think the world just wasn't ready for a drive-through pet shop.
Tim: It was Wal-Mutt, right?
Jeff: Auto-Pet.

Quote from Marty

Lucille: Jeff was a just little ahead of his time, that's all. But he's got some great ideas for what he's gonna do next.
Jeff: Yeah, and I haven't forgotten that money I owe you.
Tim: Money? What money?
Jeff: I'll get it paid back to you sooner than you think because I'll be saving a lot of money, you know, living here with Mommy... Mom, Mom!
Marty: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're a grown man who's gonna let his mother cook for him and clean for him, and take care of him when he's sick? You're a lucky S.O.B.

Quote from Randy

Jill: Did you ask Jeff for the money?
Tim: No. You know that drive-through pet store he had?
Jill: Yeah. What was that called? Cat-In-The-Box.
Tim: He lost his business. He doesn't have any money. He's moving in with Mom.
Mark: A 45-year-old man living with his mother. That's sad.
Randy: Well, you might wanna see where you are in 30 years and then make that call.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Jeff wants to come over and borrow my finger.
Jill: I won't ask.
Tim: That big foam finger I use at the hockey games? He's got a date. He got front-row seats to see the Red Wings tonight.
Jill: Wait, front-row seats? Isn't that really expensive?
Tim: Yeah. He paid a fortune for 'em. A fortune he could be using to pay me back or maybe give Mom some rent money.
Jill: Well, are you gonna talk to him about it?
Tim: You bet I will. I'll talk to him tonight when I give him the finger.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Oh, good. Randy, wait, wait. I want you to see this. What do you think? This is pair number one.
Randy: Tres Mr. Magoo.
Jill: Oh. OK, OK, Tim, Tim. What do you think of these?
Tim: They make your butt look big.
Jill: [looks around] They do?
Tim: I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
Jill: Oh, my God! They do! They make my butt look big.
Tim: Trust me, honey. Your butt looked just as big before you put 'em on. There's probably a better way to say that.
Jill: Yeah, but don't bother trying to find it. I'm just gonna go up and look in a full-length mirror.
Jeff: You know, if you had different glasses, you wouldn't have to cover that thing.
Jill: Hello to you, too, Jeff.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Well, I figured out how come Jeff could afford expensive hockey tickets, pay off his loan in cash and open a new business.
Jill: Well, what did he do? Rob a bank?
Tim: Yeah, the Bank of Mom. He got her to crack open her nest egg so he could open a mailbox-and-shipping business.
Jill: Oh, my God. And with Jeff's luck, he'll turn it into another one of those, what, K-Mutts.
Tim: I'm gonna go over to her house after the hockey game and I'm going to tell Mr. Chrome Dome a little about fiscal responsibility. I gotta yell at the guy. I gotta tell him...
Jill: Tim, you can talk to him till you're blue in the face, it's not going to do any good.
Tim: What am I supposed to do about it?
Jill: Maybe I should go over there and beat him up with my big butt.

Quote from Tim

Lucille: Who is it?
Tim: [over intercom] The FBI, ma'am. I'm here for your strip search.
Lucille: It's all right. It's only Tim.
Alice: I love your son in that show. They should just get rid of the obnoxious one that's always breaking things.
Lucille: I think you're a little mixed-up.
Tim: Hi, Mom. Oh, hi. This broke outside. It wasn't me, I swear. Give me a screwdriver and I'll put it back for you.

Quote from Tim

Alice: Maybe you should just give up your little TV skits and follow in your brother's footsteps.
Tim: Well, I would, but I'd like to leave my mom some money to retire on.
Jeff: Hey, what's that supposed to mean?
Tim: Why are you borrowing money from Mom to start another fly-by-night business? You had to take money from her to pay me off for the last loan.
Jeff: First of all, this is between Mom and me, OK? And second of all, she gave me the money because she thinks my fly-by-night business is a good idea.
Tim: Like... Like Poodle Town?
Jeff: Auto-Pet. And, hey, I don't have to be talked to this way. I'm your older brother, not a child. I'm going to my room.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: I saw your light was on. What are you doing to the Studebaker?
Wilson: Oh, nothing very interesting. Just draining my radiator.
Tim: Well, I'd rather watch that than watch my brother drain my mother.
Wilson: Who wouldn't?
Tim: Jeff got my mom to give him a big loan to start a new business.
Wilson: A new business? Whatever happened to Long John Schnauzer's?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Look, um, I was out of line for coming down on you, you know. This is none of my business and she has every right to loan you money.
Jeff: How much did she pay you to say that?
Tim: There's nothing left. You cleaned her out.
Jeff: Oh, yeah. Here we go again.
Tim: Oh, Jeff, come on. Seriously, Mom says you've really done your homework on this one and it's a real solid idea.
Jeff: You think so? God, I hope so. I just can't take another failure like Jiffy Pup.
Tim: It was Auto-Pet. And you were just ahead of your time.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode