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‘Too Many Cooks’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Too Many Cooks

319. Too Many Cooks

Aired March 16, 1994

Tim struggles to be Al's assistant when they are asked to host Cooking with Irma for a week.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hi. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And you all know my assistant Al "This Land Is" Borland. Today we're talking about Binford's new high-tech security alarm systems for cars, 'cause a secure car... is a happy car. While a car that isn't so secure can cost you thousands of dollars in therapy fees.
Al: Now, the most inexpensive way to protect your car is with the Binford 6100 steering-wheel lock.
Tim: It's a good lock, Al, but if you've got a larger car - a monster truck, front-end loader or a space shuttle - you want the Binford 61,000,000. Now, there's a lock. Look at the size of that thing.
Al: Well, if you wanna go the more sophisticated route...
Tim: [English accent] You might wanna watch Masterpiece Tool Time with your host Alistair Bo-o-o-orland.
Al: Would that be an English accent? I was talking more along the lines of an electric car alarm, the most basic of which will go off if your doors or windows are tampered with.
Tim: Right, but you can customize. You can have automatic door locks, ignition cutoff, gas cutoff. And not a moment too soon.
Al: Oh, very funny, Tim. I'm sure our nursery-school viewers are rolling in their sandboxes.
Tim: [hisses] Now, if you wanna go the whole hog, you... No. You probably want the Binford Thiefbuster 1000. It has a personalized voice warning system. I installed it on this pony myself. [alarm chirps] Act like a thief.
Tim's voice: [on alarm] Back away, Flannel Man! Back away, Flannel Man! Back away, Flannel Man! Back away, Flannel Man!

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Quote from Heidi

Heidi: Does everybody know who's in the kitchen?
Audience: Irma!
Heidi: That's right, it's Cooking With Irma... with special guest chef Al Borland!

Quote from Al

Al: Good night, Mrs. McDowell. Thank you for coming, Mrs. Yost. Remember the weather report from the kitchen - "Chili today, hot tamale."

Quote from Wilson

Randy: I mean, maybe I'm not cut out for this romance stuff.
Wilson: [laughs] Well, Randy, when it comes to winning the affections of a young lady, you might heed the advice of Thomas Herrick.
Randy: What'd he say, Wilson?
Wilson: He said, "To get thine ends, lay bashfulness aside. He that fears to ask doth be denied."
Randy: So what you're saying is, "No guts, no glory."
Wilson: Very good, young Taylor. You know, there are those among us who wouldn't have picked it up that quickly.
Randy: So I gotta keep trying, huh?
Wilson: Well, you may not have to try too hard. I think the lady's equally smitten with you.
Randy: What makes you say that?
Wilson: Because ever since you came out back, she's been staring at you.
Randy: Oh. Thanks, Wilson. [Wilson chuckles] Hey, what were the first words you said to a girl you had a crush on?
Wilson: I believe they were, "Hi-di-ho, good-lookin'."
Randy: Thanks, Wilson.

Quote from Al

Al: Thank you, Klaus. Thank you, Heidi. That's right, I'm Al "The Food Man" Borland. You all know my assistant Tim "Doesn't Know Gumbo From Dumbo" Taylor.
Tim: Not so. Dumbo, of course, is a pachyderm. Gumbo is a flexible green guy that rides Pokey. [audience is silent]

Quote from Al

Al: Uh, Tim, why don't you be a big help and take the tops off those peppers? [Tim bites the tops off the peppers] Now, Cajun cooking is distinguished by using a lot of very hot peppers, and, um... [Tim yells and runs the tap] As Tim has just demonstrated here, if you happen to bite into a pepper, you wanna drink plenty of milk, never water. [Tim yells] Water will only make it worse. Or you can bite into a piece of bread. [Tim bites into the bread] But not jalapeño bread. [Tim spits it out]

Quote from Al

Irma: Anyway, I'm gonna be gone until next Sunday, and I was wondering if I could impose on you to... fill in for me. You know, be Irma for a week. [chuckles]
Al: Irma for a week?!
Tim: I don't know.
Al: Oh, come on, Tim. Irma needs our help. Her radish just had a cabbage.
Tim: Well, when you put it like that, Al... Hmm... I could host it. We could have that Spam casserole. Al could assist me.
Irma: Oh, well, as a matter of fact, since Al is such a wonderful cook, I was hoping that he would host it and that you would assist him.
Tim: Uh... I don't... I really don't think Al would be comfortable with that. You know he's been...
Al: I would love the opportunity. In fact, you might say I would relish it.
Irma: "Relish"? Oh, Al! I just admire your joie de vivre.
Tim: That's French for "big butt crack," isn't it?

Quote from Jill

Jill: Will you relax. Sit down. Pretend that I'm Beth. You know, just talk to me.
Randy: I don't know what to say.
Jill: Tell me I'm pretty.
Randy: Are you Mom or Beth?
Jill: Does it matter?
Randy: You're pretty, Beth. And Mom.

Quote from Al

Al: Hey! They loved me!
Tim: They hated me.
Al: Well, you started off a little rocky, but once you were in too much pain to talk, boy, the show really took off.

Quote from Al

Al: Shall we begin by explaining how we're going to dress our duck?
Tim: How do you dress a duck?
Al: Well, if it's formal, coat and tie. [audience laughs] Now, once I get finished stuffing the duck, I will be closing it up.
Tim: And for that, I think you'll be using a poultry lacer.
Al: Actually, Tim, I was thinking of using some "duck" tape.
Tim: I don't think so, Al.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What's going on?
Al: It's the Cooking With Irma audience. They're starting a little early. In fact, you wanna give me a hand?
Tim: No one told me about this.
Al: Looks like they're bringing in the set, pronto.
Tim: Hey, Irma.
Irma: Oh! Hi, guys!
Al: Hi. Well, what's cookin'?
Irma: Oh, well, I'm just making up a batch of my ratatouille.
Tim: Really? How many parts rat, how many parts... "tatouille"?
Irma: Oh, Timothy, I just love your delightful insouciance.

Quote from Tim

Irma: I have just had some wonderful news. I just found out that my daughter has had a beautiful baby girl!
Tim: Congratulations, Irma.
Al: Congratulations.
Irma: I can't believe that my sweet radish has a little cabbage of her own.
Tim: Where was the cabbage delivered, a salad bar?
Irma: Oh, Timothy, you are incorrigible.

Quote from Randy

Jill: Well, you look very cute, for somebody who's looking at the girl next to him with his tongue hanging out.
Randy: Yep. Her name's Beth. Jeremy said I should ask her to go steady.
Jill: Really? Does she feel the same way about you?
Randy: I don't know. I've never talked to her.
Jill: Well, then asking her to go steady may be a bit of a leap.
Randy: What should I say to her?
Jill: Well, you could say something like... "Hello."
Randy: Yeah. "Hello." That's good. "Hello, Beth." No. Maybe, "Hi, Beth." Or maybe "Hi" and no "Beth." I mean, she knows who she is, right? Right?

Quote from Tim

Al: OK, well, today, we are cooking Cajun style, and that means gumbo. Now, one of the most important ingredients in gumbo is...
Tim: Gum. Lots of gum. Just take it off the bottom of tables and...
Al: Tim. That would be okra.
Tim: Okra! From the great state of Okra-homa. [audience is silent] That's a joke. Half state, half vegetable. Like Arkan-slaw. [quietly] There's no sense making jokes about food, is there?
Al: Now... Ha-ha! The wonderful thing about gumbo is that, in addition to your vegetables and your spices, you can throw just about anything into the pot.
Tim: You know, if we put Al's mom in the pot, we'd have jumbo gumbo. [audience is silent] Well, you'd have to know Al's mom to get that joke. She's a large, angry woman. Like so many of you out there today.
Al: All right, well... Getting back to our Cajun cooking, do you think that they call it Cajun cooking because you cook it in a cage? [audience laughs]
Tim: Oh, come on! You thought that was funny, but you didn't like "Okra-homa"? [audience is silent]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Come on, Al. You don't need me here. You cook well enough by yourself. I'm just a burden. I mean, how many guys does it take to lift a radish?
Al: Now come on. We promised Irma. And besides, tomorrow, I'm going to be cooking with poultry, and I'm gonna need some help.
Tim: Why don't you get one of your blue-haired groupies to help you out?
Al: I get it. Uh-huh. I see what it is. You're just jealous because now I'm the star.
Tim: The star? You're guest hosting a cable cooking show.
Al: Yeah, well, I know why you're backing out. It's just because you're not the center of attention.
Tim: I just don't like being your dopey sidekick. You know how demeaning that is? [Al looks at Tim] Don't look at me like that. This is not like Tool Time.
Al: Oh, no, no. It's not like Tool Time, because you're the star, and I'm the dopey sidekick!
Tim: I've never used the word "sidekick."

Quote from Tim

Brad: Hey, Randy, wait till you hear this. I talked to Ashley, and Beth is mildly interested in you.
Randy: All right, she's mildly interested!
Brad: They're going to come over after school to hang together. And if she likes you, she's gonna give Ashley the nod.
Jill: "The nod"?
Tim: You remember the nod. [nods]
Jill: Oh, right. The nod. [nods]
Brad: Do you guys know how stupid you look? [they nod]

Quote from Jill

Jill: You know, I thought Al was really good on that show today.
Tim: What did you think of me?
Jill: Well, you know, for a guy who doesn't know anything about cooking, I thought you came across as a guy who doesn't know anything about cooking.
Tim: That's why I'm not doing it anymore.
Jill: Ah, that makes sense.
Tim: Al thinks the reason I won't do it is because I can't stand not being the center of attention.
Jill: That makes more sense.
Tim: I don't always have to be the center of attention. Our wedding - I let you walk down the aisle by yourself.
Jill: While you were making shadow puppets on the pulpit!

Quote from Tim

Jill: Can I have some salt, please? No, see, this is your problem, Tim. You cannot be in front of a group of people without being the center of attention. That's what you did on Al's show today. I need pepper - cayenne.
Tim: I just can't help it. You know how hard it is for me to stand in front of people and not make 'em laugh?
Jill: Well, you did a pretty darn good job of that today. "Okra-homa"?
Tim: "Arkan-slaw" was funny.
Jill: Hand me that celery.
Tim: I'm just not cut out to be somebody's assistant.
Jill: You have been assisting me this whole time making the gumbo.
Tim: Oh. I could do that.
Jill: Look, all you gotta do is do your homework. Then when you go and help Al tomorrow, you'll be in better shape. I tell you what, I will sit down, and I will tell you everything that I know about cooking.
Tim: OK. [tastes the gumbo] Maybe I'd better get a cookbook.

Quote from Randy

Beth: This is very good lemonade.
Randy: Thanks. My mom made it.
Ashley: You know, Beth, Randy's a really funny guy.
Beth: Really? I like funny people.
Brad: Yeah, Randy, say something funny.
Randy: Uh... OK. I got a joke. What do you call bad lemonade?
Beth: What?
Randy: Lemon lemonade. [Beth is silent. Ashley and Brad enthusiastically laugh]
Beth: I don't get it.
Randy: Man, that's the last time I use one of Dad's joke.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Beth, another cooker snoogie? I-I mean, a booger cookie? Is it hot in here?

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