Wilson: Friends, friends, friends, in the words of Benjamin Franklin, "We must all hang together or else we shall hang separately."

Al: [snores]
Heidi: Does anybody know what time it is?
Jill: 5:00.

Al: All right! We're ready to raft, huh?
Tim: Al, Lewis and Clark didn't carry this much stuff.
Al: Yeah, well, they didn't spend 18 years in Boy Scouts.
Cub: Boy, you really prepared for this trip! You got some great equipment there.
Al: Well, when I go camping, I go Binford, huh? I first heard the call of the wild when I was eight years old.
Tim: That was your mom, wasn't it? "Al, the macaroni's ready!"

Heidi: You know, at least he's paddling. If everyone was a tube lizard like you, we'd get maytagged.
Tim: "Maytag"? "Tube lizard"? A couple of brochures, what are you, Popeye all of a sudden?

Heidi: [o.s.] Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: [pops out of cake] That's right! Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Birthday Boy" Taylor! Woo-hoo!
Tim: Thank you, everybody! Thank you, Heidi. Welcome to Tool Time. I am, and I intend always to be, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Of course you know my assistant, the poster boy for Plaid magazine, Alfred E. Borland.
Al: Thank you. Happy birthday, Tim.
Tim: Thanks, Al.
Al: Congratulations on surviving another year without electrocuting yourself.
Tim: Hey, show's not over yet.

Tim: Well, folks, it's my birthday today. Thanks for showing up. And I gotta be honest with you. I don't like birthdays. You know why?
Audience: Why?
Tim: Why? Well, because every year a well-intended person plans my birthday for me. This year I'm doing just what I want to do. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. I'm going to a NASCAR race. Got VIP seats. Yeah. And after the race I'm coming home. I've got it taped. I'm gonna watch it again, this time in my recliner sitting there in my house enjoying the three R's, baby!
Al: And the three R's would be?
Tim: You know 'em, huh? Remote, ribs and Rolaids.

Al: Well, here's a mag wheel cake from Jim in Ypsilanti.
Tim: Jim, good job with the mag wheel. I like it already.
Al: It's a butter cream filling with a chiffon base.
Tim: Why didn't you guys just send me a chiffon dress? What happened to devil's-food cake? It's easy to make. And that's what we're gonna show you how to do today. You got a bowl. Very simple. You put in the cake mix. Pronto, just like that. A little cholesterol. Eggs. You got your butter. And a soupçon of oil for your fats. A little bit more for easy exit. There you go. You mix it up. You put it in one of those little cake pans. You put a little of that shortening in there. You put it in the oven. Ba-da-boom, ba-da-bing! 350. Next thing you know...
Al: You have a cake that is shaped like a brick.
Tim: And that baby is dead level. Looks good enough to eat, Al. As a matter of fact, I think I'm gonna enjoy a little slice of this bad boy right now.
Al: Well, Tim, actually, before you do that, I want to show you my surprise cake.
Tim: Well, Al, I want to sit down...
Al: It took...
Tim: and take a look at these gifts I've got here. Look at that cake.
Al: Well, actually, I have a surprise cake for... [Tim sits down in a chair that's made of chocolate mousse] Surprise!

Jill: We're going to Kernville, California.
Tim: [mock excitement] Kernville?
Jill: Three days of roughing it. River-rafting by day, camping at night. Is that fantastic?
Tim: That's fantastic. But, you know, I don't want to take the boys out of school.
Randy: The boys aren't going. I want to spend some time with Lauren before she goes to Costa Rica.
Tim: What about Brad and Mark?
Randy: Well, they're too embarrassed to be seen in public with their parents.
Jill: Brad has a soccer game. Mark's band's playing at a dance. Your mom's gonna look in on them for us.
Tim: Great! All right! Kernville. For river-rafting, you're gonna need four, and the kids can't go. Oh...
Jill: I'm way ahead of you. Get this. Wilson, Al and Heidi are going!
Tim: Al's going?
Jill: Yes! [Tim grimaces as Jill hugs him] Happy birthday, honey. Listen, I'm gonna go start packing. I already got the sleeping bags dry-cleaned.
Tim: All right! We're going to Kernville!

Tim: Hey, is there any chance that the weather will turn bad and close the river down?
Cub: Oh, I take it you're not into rafting.
Tim: Well, no, rafting's great, you know? But it's my birthday, you know? And I had VIP seats to see a NASCAR race, first class all the way.
Cub: Oh, if you're looking for first class, you came to the right place because we offer deluxe packages with the finest accommodations.
Tim: Really? [opens brochure] Yeah! Well, what package did my wife order?
Cub: The "Back to Basics." Sky above you, dirt below you. And watch out for leaves of three when you're wiping.
Tim: Well, that paints a pretty picture, doesn't it?

Heidi: Hey, Tim! We're almost unpacked.
Tim: Great.
Heidi: I can't wait to get on that river. It's gonna be total gnar.
Cub: That means big bad whitewater.
Heidi: Oh, yeah.
Cub: Sounds like you've been up and down the river a few times.
Heidi: That was before I was married.