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‘Whitewater’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Whitewater

801. Whitewater

Aired September 22, 1998

Despite Tim insisting he didn't want anything special planned for his birthday, Jill surprises him with a whitewater rafting trip with Wilson, Al and Heidi.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Friends, friends, friends, in the words of Benjamin Franklin, "We must all hang together or else we shall hang separately."

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Quote from Heidi

Al: [snores]
Heidi: Does anybody know what time it is?
Jill: 5:00.

Quote from Tim

Al: All right! We're ready to raft, huh?
Tim: Al, Lewis and Clark didn't carry this much stuff.
Al: Yeah, well, they didn't spend 18 years in Boy Scouts.
Cub: Boy, you really prepared for this trip! You got some great equipment there.
Al: Well, when I go camping, I go Binford, huh? I first heard the call of the wild when I was eight years old.
Tim: That was your mom, wasn't it? "Al, the macaroni's ready!"

Quote from Heidi

Heidi: You know, at least he's paddling. If everyone was a tube lizard like you, we'd get maytagged.
Tim: "Maytag"? "Tube lizard"? A couple of brochures, what are you, Popeye all of a sudden?

Quote from Tim

Heidi: [o.s.] Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: [pops out of cake] That's right! Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Birthday Boy" Taylor! Woo-hoo!
Tim: Thank you, everybody! Thank you, Heidi. Welcome to Tool Time. I am, and I intend always to be, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Of course you know my assistant, the poster boy for Plaid magazine, Alfred E. Borland.
Al: Thank you. Happy birthday, Tim.
Tim: Thanks, Al.
Al: Congratulations on surviving another year without electrocuting yourself.
Tim: Hey, show's not over yet.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, folks, it's my birthday today. Thanks for showing up. And I gotta be honest with you. I don't like birthdays. You know why?
Audience: Why?
Tim: Why? Well, because every year a well-intended person plans my birthday for me. This year I'm doing just what I want to do. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. I'm going to a NASCAR race. Got VIP seats. Yeah. And after the race I'm coming home. I've got it taped. I'm gonna watch it again, this time in my recliner sitting there in my house enjoying the three R's, baby!
Al: And the three R's would be?
Tim: You know 'em, huh? Remote, ribs and Rolaids.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, here's a mag wheel cake from Jim in Ypsilanti.
Tim: Jim, good job with the mag wheel. I like it already.
Al: It's a butter cream filling with a chiffon base.
Tim: Why didn't you guys just send me a chiffon dress? What happened to devil's-food cake? It's easy to make. And that's what we're gonna show you how to do today. You got a bowl. Very simple. You put in the cake mix. Pronto, just like that. A little cholesterol. Eggs. You got your butter. And a soupçon of oil for your fats. A little bit more for easy exit. There you go. You mix it up. You put it in one of those little cake pans. You put a little of that shortening in there. You put it in the oven. Ba-da-boom, ba-da-bing! 350. Next thing you know...
Al: You have a cake that is shaped like a brick.
Tim: And that baby is dead level. Looks good enough to eat, Al. As a matter of fact, I think I'm gonna enjoy a little slice of this bad boy right now.
Al: Well, Tim, actually, before you do that, I want to show you my surprise cake.
Tim: Well, Al, I want to sit down...
Al: It took...
Tim: and take a look at these gifts I've got here. Look at that cake.
Al: Well, actually, I have a surprise cake for... [Tim sits down in a chair that's made of chocolate mousse] Surprise!

Quote from Tim

Jill: We're going to Kernville, California.
Tim: [mock excitement] Kernville?
Jill: Three days of roughing it. River-rafting by day, camping at night. Is that fantastic?
Tim: That's fantastic. But, you know, I don't want to take the boys out of school.
Randy: The boys aren't going. I want to spend some time with Lauren before she goes to Costa Rica.
Tim: What about Brad and Mark?
Randy: Well, they're too embarrassed to be seen in public with their parents.
Jill: Brad has a soccer game. Mark's band's playing at a dance. Your mom's gonna look in on them for us.
Tim: Great! All right! Kernville. For river-rafting, you're gonna need four, and the kids can't go. Oh...
Jill: I'm way ahead of you. Get this. Wilson, Al and Heidi are going!
Tim: Al's going?
Jill: Yes! [Tim grimaces as Jill hugs him] Happy birthday, honey. Listen, I'm gonna go start packing. I already got the sleeping bags dry-cleaned.
Tim: All right! We're going to Kernville!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, is there any chance that the weather will turn bad and close the river down?
Cub: Oh, I take it you're not into rafting.
Tim: Well, no, rafting's great, you know? But it's my birthday, you know? And I had VIP seats to see a NASCAR race, first class all the way.
Cub: Oh, if you're looking for first class, you came to the right place because we offer deluxe packages with the finest accommodations.
Tim: Really? [opens brochure] Yeah! Well, what package did my wife order?
Cub: The "Back to Basics." Sky above you, dirt below you. And watch out for leaves of three when you're wiping.
Tim: Well, that paints a pretty picture, doesn't it?

Quote from Heidi

Heidi: Hey, Tim! We're almost unpacked.
Tim: Great.
Heidi: I can't wait to get on that river. It's gonna be total gnar.
Cub: That means big bad whitewater.
Heidi: Oh, yeah.
Cub: Sounds like you've been up and down the river a few times.
Heidi: That was before I was married.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, hidey ho, river rats.
Heidi: Cool helmet.
Wilson: Yes, this is the kayaking helmet I wore on my last river trip. I kayaked in Chile.
Tim: I've swam in chili myself.

Quote from Tim

Kyle: You know, birthday boy, you look a little familiar.
Tim: Well, I have a very popular television show.
Kyle: I don't own a TV. The government uses the airwaves to send subliminal messages to destroy our minds.
Tim: And you certainly wouldn't want anyone messing with that noggin.
Kyle: Yeah. Well, this noggin, it's the only thing standing between you and an ugly watery death. Fluid fills your lungs, your throat closes up, your brain shuts down.
Tim: [sings] Happy birthday to Timmy. Happy birthday to me.

Quote from Al

All: [sing] Michael, row the boat ashore Hallelujah
Kyle: [sings] Then the Feds, they tax him more They'll always screw you!
Heidi: Oh, my God! What is that?
Kyle: Relax. Relax. Last time they landed, they were very nice to me.
Al: Sounds like some kind of a bus.
Kyle: Could be the rafting company's luxury motor coach.
Al: Maybe it's the Oak Ridge Boys!

Quote from Wilson

Al: [snores]
Wilson: I haven't heard sounds like that since I was in Nairobi studying the breathing patterns of warthogs.
Jill: Maybe if he had another pillow?
Kyle: Done. [plants a pillow on Al's face]
Jill: Under him!
Tim: [hums] Hot shower and a little breakfast. Whoo! Did I sleep well or what! I've got some hot cheese blintzes in the oven, guys! Huh?
Wilson: Shut up!
[They all throw their pillows at Tim]

Quote from Tim

Al: I have to go to the bathroom.
Wilson: Again?
Al: Shut up!
Tim: Old Al "The River Runs Through Him" Borland.

Quote from Tim

Al: Oh, you'll have to forgive Tim. He can't help being an insensitive lout!
Kyle: You're no picnic either, Sinus Boy.
Wilson: Yeah, tell me about it! I was up all night. I never had this problem with my kayaking buddies.
Al: Would you quit yakking about your kayaking?
Wilson: Well, it's better than listening to your boring stories of how you and your mom went to Anchorage and caught fish with your hands.
Tim: Lucky she wasn't harpooned.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Oh, yeah. Yeah! Oh, sweet mystery of life.
Randy: I told you not to do that Tool Time salute to nerve gas.
Tim: If I'd found this chair before I found your mother, you wouldn't be around to make that joke.
Jill: [enters] Hi, guys. What are you doing?
Tim: Just practicing for my day by myself for my birthday. The guys gave me this at work. It's got little slots for my drinks and my selection of fine aerosol cheeses.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, I was gonna give it to you at dinner tonight, but I'm too excited.
Tim: Does it have anything to do with NASCAR racing or chewable antacids?
Jill: [chuckles] Not even close.
Tim: A little boat for the bathtub?
Jill: No. Look under it. Under it. No, in the box! In the box.
Tim: Oh, look. Airline tickets.
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: You planned something for my birthday?
Jill: Yes, I've been planning it for months.
Tim: I told you not to plan anything for my birthday.
Jill: Ah, you say that every year.
Tim: Yes, I do.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Hi, we're the Taylors.
Cub: I'm Cub. Welcome to Rafting Adventures, where rafting is an adventure.
Tim: Did you think that up all by yourself, Cub?
Cub: No, no. That was some college dude.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Is there any way I can upgrade us to this imperial package?
Cub: Well, sure. Sure.
Tim: Well, great. Let's just keep it between us.
Cub: Oh, okay.
Tim: And this ought to cover it. While you're at it, why don't you buy yourself a real name?

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