Tim: Hold on a minute. It's very simple. If you were to cross-section a woman, inside, it looks like a moose head with antlers. And what they want to do is just remove the moose head part of that, and leave the antlers intact.
Mark: What?
Brad: What?
Tim: Illustration would be good, here. Think of your mom as a sink. She looks good on the outside, runs hot, runs cold, but she's having a little problem with the women plumbing department. Her disposal is stuck in the on position. She has to have it removed, because she hasn't seen a licensed plumber in two-and-a-half years. But, good news is, she doesn't really need the disposal anyway.
Mark: I'm gonna go look it up on the Internet.
Tim: Well, suit yourselves, fellas. But I don't think it can get any clearer than this.

Marty: That's about the only good thing that came out of my separation with Nancy. No more gynecologist stuff. No more midnight tampon runs. You can never get the right kind.
Tim: "You idiot! I said the super, not the slims!"
Marty: Pads, panty liners. There's, like, four thousand different kinds.
Tim: Maxis, minis...
Marty: Absorbent, super-absorbent, with baking soda?
Tim: My favorite. My favorite. Ultra-slim overnights, with wings.

Tim: Well, how will having no uterus affect her? Will we have to get her a special dog?
Dr. Fields: He is joking, right?
Jill: You can't be sure 100% of the time.

Tim: I've got a question. Why do those maxi pads need wings?

Tim: Well, something came up. It's not an emergency, but your mom has to have some surgery on Friday.
Brad: What kind of surgery?
Tim: Women's surgery. Do you know what a hysterectomy is?
Brad: Not exactly.
Tim: Damn. I was hoping you knew. Well, it's not serious as if she were to get an oompah-pah-rectomy.

Jill: It just means that I'm not gonna have any more periods, and I can't have any more children.
Tim: We already decided on that.
Jill: Yeah, I know, but I... You're just talking about a partial hysterectomy, right? Not a total?
Tim: There... There is a "totalrectomy"?
Dr. Fields: Well, sometimes we also have to do an oophorectomy.
Tim: Yeah. Where you remove her "oophs"?
Dr. Fields: Her ovaries.

Jill: If you take my ovaries, then that's gonna throw me into early menopause. I'm really... I am not ready for hot flashes and mood swings. [to Tim] I know you're not.
Dr. Fields: Jill, at this point, I see no reason that I'd have to take your ovaries. But we can't be sure until we get in there.
Tim: Until "we" get in there? How many people are going in and how long are they staying?

Jill: It's my own stupid fault. I put off going to the doctor for two years, now I got a tumor the size of a cantaloupe. [Tim groans] How do you think I feel? I've got this hideous thing growing inside me, I didn't even know it was there. I hate the whole idea of surgery and anesthesia.
Tim: I hated it, too, the first 10 or 15 times. But I've come out smelling like a rose, honey. It'll be all right.
Jill: Honey, all you've ever had removed were things that you swallowed, got stuck to, or sat on.

Tim: Thank you. Thank you all very much. Thank you. I am Tim "The Cool Man" Taylor. And, of course, you all know my assistant, Al "Pine" Borland.
Al: All right. Well, today we're going to talk about ski maintenance.
Tim: Well, why did you bring your mom's toothpicks out here?
Al: For your information, these skis were handed down to me by my father, who used them in the 1948 Olympics.
Tim: Get out of here. Your dad was in the Olympics?
Al: Actually, Tim, he was a biathlete.
Tim: Don't ask, don't tell. Wow.
Al: I don't know why I bother sharing anything personal with you.
Tim: That makes two of us.

Al: So, Dolph, why don't you tell us something about ski maintenance?
Dolph: Glad to, Al. I brought with me this Wintersteiger automated ski service station.
Tim: [speaks German] Look at the size of this bad boy! [grunts]
Al: Bad boy is right. This Micro 71 model does belt-sanding, base-edge tuning, deburring and cold waxing.
Tim: It does everything but cook your schnitzel.
Dolph: If I were you, I'd keep my schnitzel away from that thing.
Tim: All right. Well, why don't we show them... The audience how this thing works. All right, Dolph?
Al: Well, Tim, I thought we'd show them how to maintain vintage skis first.
Tim: Nobody cares about those old Popsicle sticks.
Dolph: Never talk that way about wooden skis.
Tim: [imitates German accent] I won't. [normal voice] While these two guys are stuck in the nineteenth century, I'll show you how this thing works. One-man operation. Wax them? Set them in like this, turn this thing on like this.
Dolph: Nein! Nein!
Tim: Apparently, you put it on nine.
[The ski shoots out of the other side of the machine, smashing the window at the back of the set.]