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‘Love's Labor Lost (Part 1)’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Love's Labor Lost (Part 1)

818. Love's Labor Lost (Part 1)

Aired February 23, 1999

When Jill visits a gynecologist for pain she's experiencing, she finds out she needs a hysterectomy.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hold on a minute. It's very simple. If you were to cross-section a woman, inside, it looks like a moose head with antlers. And what they want to do is just remove the moose head part of that, and leave the antlers intact.
Mark: What?
Brad: What?
Tim: Illustration would be good, here. Think of your mom as a sink. She looks good on the outside, runs hot, runs cold, but she's having a little problem with the women plumbing department. Her disposal is stuck in the on position. She has to have it removed, because she hasn't seen a licensed plumber in two-and-a-half years. But, good news is, she doesn't really need the disposal anyway.
Mark: I'm gonna go look it up on the Internet.
Tim: Well, suit yourselves, fellas. But I don't think it can get any clearer than this.

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Quote from Tim

Marty: That's about the only good thing that came out of my separation with Nancy. No more gynecologist stuff. No more midnight tampon runs. You can never get the right kind.
Tim: "You idiot! I said the super, not the slims!"
Marty: Pads, panty liners. There's, like, four thousand different kinds.
Tim: Maxis, minis...
Marty: Absorbent, super-absorbent, with baking soda?
Tim: My favorite. My favorite. Ultra-slim overnights, with wings.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, how will having no uterus affect her? Will we have to get her a special dog?
Dr. Fields: He is joking, right?
Jill: You can't be sure 100% of the time.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I've got a question. Why do those maxi pads need wings?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, something came up. It's not an emergency, but your mom has to have some surgery on Friday.
Brad: What kind of surgery?
Tim: Women's surgery. Do you know what a hysterectomy is?
Brad: Not exactly.
Tim: Damn. I was hoping you knew. Well, it's not serious as if she were to get an oompah-pah-rectomy.

Quote from Tim

Jill: It just means that I'm not gonna have any more periods, and I can't have any more children.
Tim: We already decided on that.
Jill: Yeah, I know, but I... You're just talking about a partial hysterectomy, right? Not a total?
Tim: There... There is a "totalrectomy"?
Dr. Fields: Well, sometimes we also have to do an oophorectomy.
Tim: Yeah. Where you remove her "oophs"?
Dr. Fields: Her ovaries.

Quote from Tim

Jill: If you take my ovaries, then that's gonna throw me into early menopause. I'm really... I am not ready for hot flashes and mood swings. [to Tim] I know you're not.
Dr. Fields: Jill, at this point, I see no reason that I'd have to take your ovaries. But we can't be sure until we get in there.
Tim: Until "we" get in there? How many people are going in and how long are they staying?

Quote from Tim

Jill: It's my own stupid fault. I put off going to the doctor for two years, now I got a tumor the size of a cantaloupe. [Tim groans] How do you think I feel? I've got this hideous thing growing inside me, I didn't even know it was there. I hate the whole idea of surgery and anesthesia.
Tim: I hated it, too, the first 10 or 15 times. But I've come out smelling like a rose, honey. It'll be all right.
Jill: Honey, all you've ever had removed were things that you swallowed, got stuck to, or sat on.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Thank you. Thank you all very much. Thank you. I am Tim "The Cool Man" Taylor. And, of course, you all know my assistant, Al "Pine" Borland.
Al: All right. Well, today we're going to talk about ski maintenance.
Tim: Well, why did you bring your mom's toothpicks out here?
Al: For your information, these skis were handed down to me by my father, who used them in the 1948 Olympics.
Tim: Get out of here. Your dad was in the Olympics?
Al: Actually, Tim, he was a biathlete.
Tim: Don't ask, don't tell. Wow.
Al: I don't know why I bother sharing anything personal with you.
Tim: That makes two of us.

Quote from Tim

Al: So, Dolph, why don't you tell us something about ski maintenance?
Dolph: Glad to, Al. I brought with me this Wintersteiger automated ski service station.
Tim: [speaks German] Look at the size of this bad boy! [grunts]
Al: Bad boy is right. This Micro 71 model does belt-sanding, base-edge tuning, deburring and cold waxing.
Tim: It does everything but cook your schnitzel.
Dolph: If I were you, I'd keep my schnitzel away from that thing.
Tim: All right. Well, why don't we show them... The audience how this thing works. All right, Dolph?
Al: Well, Tim, I thought we'd show them how to maintain vintage skis first.
Tim: Nobody cares about those old Popsicle sticks.
Dolph: Never talk that way about wooden skis.
Tim: [imitates German accent] I won't. [normal voice] While these two guys are stuck in the nineteenth century, I'll show you how this thing works. One-man operation. Wax them? Set them in like this, turn this thing on like this.
Dolph: Nein! Nein!
Tim: Apparently, you put it on nine.
[The ski shoots out of the other side of the machine, smashing the window at the back of the set.]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, Mark, check out this brochure from Boyne Mountain. They got some new lifts, they got some groomed slopes. It's looking great.
Mark: Wow! "Featuring hair-raising slopes and teeth-rattling halfpipes."
Tim: [grunts] I love halfpipes, yeah. I love copper pipes. I love exhaust pipes.

Quote from Brad

Brad: Yeah, I can't wait to get up there.
Jill: Honey, I don't know why you're so excited. You know, you're not gonna be able to ski on that knee.
Brad: Oh, I know. There's bound to be a few ski bunnies up there that want to cozy up next to an injured soccer stud.
Mark: Just don't tell them you tripped over a rug.
Tim: Go with something a little more manly, like you were chasing the bulls in Pomona.
Jill: Pamplona.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I'm glad you're driving today. I've got killer cramps.
Patty: Again?
Jill: Yeah. And my period's been unbelievably heavy this month.
Patty: Yeah?
Tim: [sighs] Excuse me.
Patty: When was the last time you've been to see a gynecologist?
Jill: I don't know. It's been a while.
Patty: Yeah? How long a while?
Jill: I don't... Maybe like a couple of years. I've been really busy.
Patty: Yeah, but I think it's time.
Jill: Yeah, I know. It's bad, though, you know? It's like a dam burst and the floodgates opened.
Tim: [clears his plate] I gotta get to some higher ground.

Quote from Marty

Marty: Getting your stuff ready for the ski trip?
Tim: It's gonna be great. We're snowmobiling this time, too. Plus, a five-hundred-foot vertical drop, sixty-mile-an-hour shushing. Bam, bam, bam! It's gonna be great! What are you doing next weekend?
Marty: Taking my girls to Barbie Expo '99.
Tim: It's gonna be kind of fun. I understand they're unveiling her new Vette.

Quote from Tim

Judy: You have enough room?
Tim: Plenty. Yeah, thanks.
Judy: Well, normally, I'm only half this size, but I've gained 50 pounds. Do you have any idea what it feels like to be bloated and constipated at the same time?
Gayle: My last pregnancy I gained 60 pounds.
Judy: Oh, did you have trouble losing the weight?
Gayle: No, I left half of it in the delivery room.
Tim: [chuckles] Damn! Thirty-pound kid. That must have hurt.
Gayle: The baby was eight pounds. The rest was amniotic fluid, afterbirth and discharge.
[Tim clears his throat and checks his watch]
Judy: I'm sorry, we must be making you really uncomfortable.
Tim: You think?

Quote from Tim

Gayle: Are you going to breastfeed?
Judy: Yeah. But I'm not looking forward to those sore nipples.
Gayle: And the leaking.
Tim: Excuse me.
[After Tim squeezes out from between the two women, he goes to talk to the receptionist]
Tim: Do you have any magazines for men? You know, like Car and Driver, or Hooker and Handgun, something like that?
Receptionist: I'm sorry, we don't get much call for those. How about Jack and Jill?
Tim: I haven't read that issue.
Receptionist: You want crayons?
Tim: Do I?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Okay, okay. I think I have everything. I've got my clothes and the hospital card and my thesis.
Tim: Why are you taking your thesis?
Jill: Well, I'm gonna be there for three days. What am I gonna do? Just lie around doing nothing?
Tim: Well, some people use that time to heal.

Quote from Jill

Jill: What are the boys doing here?
Tim: They wanted to be up when you took off.
Jill: That is so sweet.
Tim: Boys, come on! Get up! She's leaving!
Brad: [wakes up] Bye, Mom. Good luck.
Mark: [wakes up] I hope it goes okay.
Jill: It's gonna be fine. I'm not the least bit worried, and neither should you be. By the time you guys are having lunch at school, I'm gonna be out of surgery and back in my... [notices the boys are asleep again] [to herself] Well, I guess we should go. [sees Tim sleeping against a wall] Tim! Tim!
Tim: [wakes up] Honey, we gotta get going! Honey!

Quote from Tim

Male Nurse: Hey, Tim! What are you in here for this time?
Tim: Hysterectomy.
Male Nurse: I guess that's the only thing left.

Quote from Jill

Tim: How are you feeling?
Jill: Fine. I wasn't fine when I first heard about the surgery, but once I worked through my feelings, now it's just... I really want to go home.
Tim: I know you're scared.
Jill: What if they take my ovaries? You know, once I get on that table, that doctor has carte blanche.
Tim: Come on, he's not gonna take anything he doesn't need. The guy's not working on commission.
Jill: I don't know. He drives a really nice cervix.
Tim: Lexus.
Jill: I wish my mother lived nearer. She'd be good to have around right now.
Tim: You've had way too much Demerol, my friend. Your mom drives you crazy when you're sick.
Jill: Well, that's just about little things, you know? But this is big. She's good with big.

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