Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Howard's End’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Howard's End

214. Howard's End

Aired January 13, 1993

Tim is surprised when Jill opens up her own checking account. Meanwhile, Brad looks after Jennifer's goldfish.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Tim, I'm talking about the Modoc Indian tribe. In their native tongue, they have no word for "yours" or "mine," only one word... for "ours." Each man's material possession belongs to the whole tribe.
Tim: Must be difficult when it comes to underwear.
Wilson: You see, Tim, in the 20th century, our culture tends to measure a man's worth by his possessions.
Tim: And I got some cool stuff, too.
Wilson: That gives you a feeling of power, doesn't it?
Tim: Oh, you bet...
Wilson: And control over your life.
Tim: Oh, control, ha-ha.
Wilson: And control over your mate.
Tim: Yeah... Oh, yeah. I... You're saying that I want to own everything so I can control Jill?
Wilson: Well, Tim, if you own everything, you have all the power.

Rate

Quote from Jill

Jill: How much do I get?
Tim: Listen to this. 580 million dollars and 60 cents. I rounded it off.
Jill: Hand it over.
Tim: I'm a little short. I was kinda hoping I could work some of it off.
Jill: How are you gonna do that?
Tim: By satisfying every one of your needs.
Jill: That'll use up about 20 bucks.

Quote from Al

Tim: In relationships, you've gotta be equal. Share things equally, no matter who makes the money. 'Cause Al and I have a good relationship. We share. But I'm no more valuable than Al.
Al: I agree.
Tim: Even though I make a lot more money. And I get full medical coverage.
Al: You get full medical?
Tim: Sure. But Al and I have learned how to share. On the job site, there's no difference between Al's tools and my tools.
Al: Actually, Tim, there is. At the end of the job... [clicking] my tools still work.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Quit nagging me about my driving.
Jill: I do not nag. You drive like a maniac.
Tim: You do too nag. And it's not "maniac," it's pronounced "man-iac."
Jill: You were going 35 miles an hour.
Tim: Whoa. Since when is 35 going fast?
Jill: Over speed bumps.
Tim: Let me ask you a question. Did your head hit the roof?
Jill: No.
Tim: Then I could have gone faster.

Quote from Jill

Jill: You know, Tim, I have always thought of this house as our home.
Tim: It is our home.
Jill: No, it's not. It's Tim's house. This is Tim's table. This is Tim's couch.
Tim: No, it's not. Jill.
Jill: All that stuff over there is Tim's.
Tim: Jill. Jill!
Jill: Oh, look! Here's something of mine. These coasters are mine.
Tim: Well, actually, didn't Aunt Helen send them to both of us for our wedding?
Jill: Well, here's your half. [throws them at Tim]
Tim: Good thing she didn't send us bowling balls.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well, that's the last time you drive. I swear, when we went over that bump, I heard something crack.
Tim: That was just the sound of the car enjoying itself.
Jill: No, that was the sound of you enjoying racing that guy to the parking-lot exit. You always turn driving into a competition.
Tim: I do not.
Jill: Yes, you do. Yes, you do. Remember the other day, that 17-year-old pulled up in that Camaro, and you got that stupid look on your face?
Tim: Which stupid look?
Jill: One of your stupider ones. You know, that one where you curl your lip up like this and you got, like, that cocky head-roll thing.
Tim: That's my Elvis. You can't beat the king, man. You can't beat the king.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well, my little hound dog, you drive your car the way you want. Don't ruin my beautiful station wagon.
Tim: "My station wagon"?
Jill: Yes.
Tim: That's where we're different. I think of everything around this house as ours.
Jill: Well, what about the tools?
Tim: They're ours. I just don't want you touching them.

Quote from Tim

Mark: Dad, there's a big black puddle under Mom's car.
Jill: Oh, no.
Tim: That doesn't mean it's a bad thing. We could have struck oil. It's a gusher. We're rich! Let's take a look.

Quote from Brad

Jennifer: Hi, Bradley. This is Howard.
Brad: Hey, how's it going, Howard?
Jennifer: You have to feed him twice a day and keep him in a well-lit area.
Brad: No problem. That's how we take care of Mark.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You opened your own checking account?
Jill: Yes, I did. Do you have a problem with that?
Tim: No, I don't have a problem with that. My wife's sneaking behind my back, stockpiling money. Why did you open your own checking account?
Jill: Well, you know, I'm working now, and I have a little money, and I just thought this'd be, sort of, like, mine.
Tim: Great. I've been working for 15 years, so that means the money in our joint checking account can be, sort of, like, mine!
Jill: No, no, no. That will still be ours.
Tim: How silly of me! The money I make, we both spend, the money you make, you spend.
Jill: Now you got it.
Tim: [grunts] I don't like that one bit.

Quote from Randy

Randy: What are you doing?
Brad: Remember when Jennifer told me to keep the bowl well lit? I think I moved the bowl a little too close to the desk lamp.
Randy: Well, that was smart. What did you think? He wanted to read in bed?
Brad: I didn't know the water would get that hot. Just take him out and see if he flops around.
Randy: No way. The only slimy thing I touch is you.
[After Brad reaches in and grabs the goldfish, he places it on the kitchen counter]
Randy: One, two, three. He's fried.

Quote from Randy

Brad: Oh, man. What am I gonna do?
Randy: Hey, I know. You can buy her a fish that looks exactly like him.
Brad: Yeah, great idea. [picks up the bowl] Let's go to the pet store.
Randy: What are you bringing that for?
Brad: Well, we need to bring him along to compare.
Randy: Well, it's not like he needs the bowl.
[Brad grabs the goldfish, shakes the water off and places it in his pocket]

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right, under the car. Man territory. The beauty's up top. This is where the power is, son.
Mark: Mom wasn't happy that you did this to her car.
Tim: Well, actually, it's our car.
Mark: But Mom drives it.
Tim: Yeah, but I paid for it. I restored it, so...
Mark: So it's really yours?
Tim: Well, technically, yeah.
Jill: Is that right?
Tim: [metal clink] Ow! Ow!
Jill: So, technically, this is your car?
Tim: Technically, I got a mild concussion.

Quote from Randy

Brad: I can't believe it. Four different pet stores, and we couldn't find one that matched Howard's spot.
Randy: How was I supposed to know that there are 20 different types of goldfish?
Brad: Jennifer's gonna be really mad when she sees Howard floating there, dead.
Randy: Wait. What if he's not floating?
Brad: What?
Randy: What if we took a very tiny ball bearing and stuck it in his mouth? He'll sink to the bottom. She'll think he's alive.
Brad: Yeah. Then she'll take him home and think she killed him.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: You over there, Wilson?
Wilson: Down here, good neighbor.
Tim: Are you making a snow angel?
Wilson: Well, I guess I am, neighbor. But, actually, I'm preparing for my annual snowshoe expedition through the Upper Peninsula, and I'm just making sure that my long johns stay toasty and dry. Whoa! Tim, I think I've found a spot that is not quite waterproof. Oh.
Tim: Can I ask you a question?
Wilson: Hop on my sled, neighbor.

Quote from Tim

Tim: And now for the point I've really been waiting for - the heavy-duty sanding. And for heavy-duty sanding we're gonna need a very special tool. Lisa?
Lisa: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: What do you got there?
Lisa: Oh, it's a 2100 model electric drum sander.
Tim: That's right. Four-and-a-half horsepower patented stabilizer.
Lisa: Not to mention full swiveling trailing-wire support.
Tim: Almost more than a man can take. [grunts] Thank you.
Lisa: You're welcome.

Quote from Tim

Al: You might also wanna mention, Tim, that this particular sander weighs over 240 pounds.
Tim: [groans] Could you help me with the...? Put an apron on there, we'll call it "Al's Mom."
Al: Now, because of the weight and the nature of the wood surface, in our case pine, I would suggest going with the 2400 rpms as opposed to the 28.
Tim: Thanks for sharing that, Al. But I think I'm gonna go with 4200 rpm.
Al: Well, Tim, it doesn't go up to 4200.
Tim: Does now, my stout little friend. I rewired it. Now, when going with a plank floor like this, you want to go with the grain.
[As Tim starts to sand, the planks of wood break and the sander falls through]
Tim: On first glance, this might seem like I screwed up. [coughs] But I've actually done this to prove an important point.
Al: That you know absolutely nothing about sanders?
Tim: No. That too much power is not always a good thing. And I know what you're asking. What kind of power is he talking about?
Al: I know I am.

Quote from Brad

Jill: Where's Jennifer?
Brad: She's not here yet.
Jill: Oh, well, I'll bet she's gonna be happy to see Howard. Howard, did you miss Jennif... Brad! This fish is not alive.
Brad: Yeah, it is.
Jill: It's standing up straight. Fish don't do that.
Brad: I trained him. Good fish. Keep standing.

Quote from Randy

Jennifer: Hi, Bradley. Thanks for taking care of Howard.
Brad: Oh, he was no trouble.
Randy: He slept most of the time.

Quote from Randy

Brad: Listen, Jennifer...
Jennifer: Brad, is there something wrong with Howard?
Brad: He's kind of... dead.
Jennifer: What happened?
Randy: Well, let's just say he saw a bright light and went towards it.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode