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‘To Build or Not to Build’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: To Build or Not to Build

223. To Build or Not to Build

Aired May 5, 1993

Tim encourages the boys to make Jill's Mother's Day presents this year. Meanwhile, Wilson's mother comes to town, and Tool Time pays tribute to mothers.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Reservation for five, Mother's Day gourmet feast.
Jill: Mm. Is that the one with the corsage and the champagne and the live music?
Tim: Mais oui. Boy, they go to a lot of effort on this bogus holiday, don't they?
Jill: Excuse me. Did you call Mother's Day a bogus holiday?
Tim: Well, it's just been invented by restaurant owners and florists.
Jill: So you don't think that women, who go through the pain, torment and suffering of childbirth, don't deserve a special day?
Tim: You got a day. It's Labor Day.

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Quote from Wilson

Tim: Afternoon, Wilson.
Wilson: Hidy-ho, neighbor.
Tim: What's with the flag?
Wilson: Tim, I'm commemorating the upcoming holiday.
Tim: With a flag? It's not the 4th of July. It's Mother's Day.
Wilson: You see, Tim, back in 1914, Congress passed a resolution establishing Mother's Day as an official holiday.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Wilson: It was a proclamation calling on the public to display the flag as a sign of love and reverence for the mothers of our country, and it was issued by the president of the United States...
Tim: Wilson...
Wilson: Absolutely right, Tim. President Woodrow Wilson.
Tim: Well, maybe old Woodrow took credit for it, but I bet his mom gave him the idea.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: You know, Wilson, that was a great... that's a great idea, flying your mom in like that. Randy, my... my middle son, is having trouble thinking of something for Mother's Day for... for my wife.
Wilson's mother: Oh, I'm sure she'll love anything he gives her.
Wilson: Mm-hm. That's right, Tim. After all, it was Pierre Corneille, the noted French playwright, who wrote: "I am in the habit of looking not so much to the nature of the gift as to the spirit in which it is given."
Tim: Oh, that's beautiful, yeah.
Wilson's mother: Excuse me, son. Are you sure it was Corneille? I believe it was Robert Louis Stevenson.
Wilson: Well, by golly, Mom, I think you're right.
Wilson's mother: Pierre Corneille wrote, "The manner of giving is worth more than the gift."
Wilson: Act one, scene one of his play Le Menteur.
Wilson's mother: Oh, you do your mother proud.
Wilson: Oh, Mom.
Tim: Thanks, Wilsons. I was enjoying this quotefest. But, remember, I'm the confused one. And I still don't know what to tell Randy about Mother's Day.
Wilson & Mother: Hm. Hm, hm, hm, hm.
Wilson's mother: The most important gift you can give any mother is to let her know she's loved and appreciated.
Wilson: I couldn't have said it better myself.

Quote from Pete

Tim: Well, why don't we get started with that concrete? We gotta take our footing...
Pete: Excuse me, Tim. If we have just a minute, I'd... I'd like to read a poem. A short poem that I wrote for my mom. She'll be spending this Mother's Day up at Michigan State.
Tim: University?
Pete: No. Uh, penitentiary.
Dwayne: Pete. This is neither the time nor the place.
Pete: She was framed, Tim.
Tim: I think, under the circumstances, we could drop our tools for a couple of minutes and give a salute to mothers anywhere, or anywhere they spend their time.
Pete: "An Ode to My Mother" by Peter Bilker. That would be me. "Who etched this tattoo In her purple muumuu? Mother, Mother. Who posted my bail Every time, without fail? Mother, Mother. And who rushed to the car With my severed thumb in a jar? Uh... Father, Father. But who sewed it back on When the doctor was gone?" Mother, Mother. Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

Quote from Al

Al: [sings] M is for the million things she gave me O means only that she's growing old
K&B Guys: [sing] She's growing old
Al: T is for the tears you shed to save me
Tim: Guys, guys...
Al: H is for the heart of purest gold
K&B Guys: Of purest gold
Al: E is for the eyes with love light shining R means right and right you'll always be
K&B Guys: She'll always be
Al: When you put them all together they spell...
Tim: [sings] Mother
Al: A word that means the world to me
K&B Guys: The world to me

Quote from Jill

Jill: I should've known. You and the boys haven't given my present a moment's thought.
Tim: Yes, we have.
Jill: You have not. You're just gonna run the boys to the nearest minimart and buy the first thing you see.
Tim: I encourage my boys to buy quality gifts.
Jill: Yeah, right. Like this, uh, multicolored candy necklace.
Tim: This isn't just candy. These are breath mints.
Jill: Yeah. And these priceless things here.
Tim: I bought those. Those are one of a kind.
Jill: Ever wonder why, Tim? [puts on dice ear-muffs]
Tim: A lot of women pay big bucks to look like a rearview mirror, hon.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well, I know that's not my Mother's Day present, since you leave that to the last possible moment.
Tim: Ha! This just happens to be your Mother's Day present.
Jill: Oh, yeah? What is it?
Tim: I don't wanna ruin the surprise.
Jill: Ruin it.
Tim: No, no, no. I wanna see your face light up on Mother's Day.
Jill: Why? Is it a flame thrower?
Tim: You're gonna love this.
Jill: Let me see. Let me see. Oh! Just what I always wanted. A muffler.
Tim: Well, if anyone could use a muffler, it'd be you.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, I don't want you to go out and buy the boys presents to give me. You know? I want them to give me something that's from their hearts.
Tim: All right. I'll get the boys together. We'll gear up this year. We'll make May 16 a day you never forget.
Jill: Mother's Day is May 9.
Tim: I know. But around here, we celebrate May 16. It's Muffler's Day.

Quote from Randy

Tim: Guys, guys, guys. Come on. Huddle up. I want to talk to you before your mom comes down. Mark, you're the lookout.
Mark: OK.
Tim: All right. I don't want your mom to hear this.
Randy: What did you blow up this time?
Tim: The toaster, but she knows about that.

Quote from Tim

Randy: Come on, Dad. Let's just buy her something.
Tim: This is your mom we're talking about.
Randy: I know.
Tim: Do you know that you were a very difficult birth? Hm? Breech baby? Hm? Elbows straight up like grasshoppers? Hm? 176 hours of labor? Hm?
Randy: All right, Dad. OK.

Quote from Tim

Randy: Hey, way to go, loudmouth. Now we actually have to build something.
Tim: Nice attitude. Come on, guys. I already took the hot rod outta the garage. When I get home from work, we'll turn it into Man Central. Huh? Saw blades, cuts, slivers, blisters... [grunts] Come on. A little Mother's Day grunt? [grunts] I love you, Mom.
Boys: [grunting] Love you, Mom, you're the greatest.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Friends, having difficult removing all that gunk outta that ugly bathroom drain? Well, these are just a few of the products Binford gives you to remove dirt and grease and, in Al's case, loose beard hair. [comic plucking sound effect] One of the most popular tools is called the plunger.
Al: That's right. You might wanna remind our viewers... to coat the... to coat the rim of the plug with petroleum jelly. This will help form a tight seal between the plunger and the drain.
Tim: Yes. Next, I'd like to show you Binford's closet auger.
Al: Now, this particular auger helps toilet clogs. [plop sound effect]
Tim: Help me, Al. I got a big one. A freshwater hairball.
Al: And finally, our favorite choice - the Binford trap and drain auger.
Tim: Normally called "the snake." [snake-charming music] Remember, folks, if it doesn't say Binford on it, you won't be able to flush it.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, we're just about out of time. But before we go, I'd like to talk a little bit about Al's mother.
Al: I'd prefer you wouldn't, Tim.
Tim: I know, but with Mother's Day coming up, I realize a lot of the time I make fun of her on the show.
Al: Yes, you do. My mother is frequently the butt of your jokes.
Tim: Al, you make this too easy.
Al: Well, you... you're always poking fun of her cooking, of her weight, her love for bingo, her son...
Tim: Al, come in for a landing, OK? Being Mother's Day, I thought I'd make her a gift, kind of a - ooh - peace offering.
Al: Really?
Tim: Lisa!
Al: Well, that was awfully big of you.
Tim: Well, I thought maybe for those... [Tim and Lisa hold up a large flannel apron with kitchen utensils] those festive Thanksgiving dinners, she might have a nice new apron.

Quote from Tim

[Tim and Brad knock on the garage door]
Randy: [o.s.] What's the secret grunt? [Tim and Brad grunt three times] Enter. [Tim and Brad go into the garage]
Mark: Hi, Mom. Can I have a Popsicle?
Jill: Sure.
[Jill knocks on the garage door]
Tim: [o.s.] What's the secret grunt?
Jill: [grunts three times]
Tim: Access denied. Too much estrogen content.

Quote from Randy

Tim: Take a little gander at Randy's.
Randy: Don't bother. It stinks, Dad.
Brad: What is it? I can't even figure it out.
Randy: Well, don't rack your brain. You might smash the pea.

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