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‘Sisters and Brothers’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Sisters and Brothers

424. Sisters and Brothers

Aired May 2, 1995

After traveling around the world, Jill's photographer sister Carrie (Tudi Roche) visits to see what suburban life is like. Marty and Nancy have to stay at the Taylor house after Tim screws up moving day. Meanwhile, Al's brother, Cal, visits Tool Time.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Just great. Look at the time, huh? Now it's off to work I go without my "hi-de-ho."

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Quote from Wilson

Tim: Could I talk to Wilson for a minute? I got a couple of minutes before I go to work.
Jill: You'll have to wait.
Tim: I can't wait.
Jill: I'm sorry, we only have one Wilson and I'm using him.
Wilson: You know, neighbors, I am a friend. I'm not a rest room.
Jill: I'm sorry, Wilson. Tim, come on, I know you wanna talk to Wilson about me, but I was here first.
Tim: Well, hurry up. I don't know how long I can hold it.

Quote from Al

Tim: All right. Let's give a big, warm Tool Time welcome for Cal "He's gotta be better-looking than Al" Borland. I don't see any family resemblance, do you?
Al: Well, actually, I take after Father and Cal looks like Mother.
Tim: And a fine-looking woman she is. Come on, Cal. You wanna tell us about growing up with Al?
Cal: I don't think so, Tim. [Al and Cal snort]
Al: [laughs] He's got that Borland humor.
Tim: Yeah, the kind that isn't funny.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: So Jill, what did you want to talk about?
Jill: Carrie. You know, when we were kids we were so close. We used to share a room, we told each other everything. Now we get together, all we do is fight.
Wilson: Why do you think that is?
Jill: I don't know. Ever since high school, we've been going in different directions.
Wilson: Well, sometimes it is difficult to find a way back to each other.
Jill: You know, maybe I just need to face the fact that we're never gonna be close again.
Wilson: Well, Jill, I wouldn't give up hope just yet. You know, I'm reminded of the 19th century English poet, Christina Rossetti, who wrote, "There is no friend like a sister in calm or stormy weather. To cheer one on the tedious way, To fetch one if one goes astray."
Jill: Hmm. Wait, which one of us is going astray?
Wilson: Well, if you lose the relationship, maybe both of you.

Quote from Al

Al: As I said, we always resolved our differences with a nice cup of tea.
Tim: What are you - the Queen Mother?
Al: No. But nothing like a cup of Earl Grey to soothe sibling rivalry.
Cal: Of course, I would have preferred chamomile.
Al: Chamomile? You never said anything.
Cal: Well, you never asked.
Al: Cal, I can't believe this. You hold back on your tea preferences and then blurt it out on my television show?
Tim: Your television show?
Cal: For another thing, I'm getting sick and tired of you always flaunting your success.
Al: Well, you're just jealous because I have a prestigious career and you're just a lowly physicist!
Tim: Boys, television show. Live audience.

Quote from Al

Tim: It's springtime on Tool Time. Al, you know what that means?
Al: Yes, I do, Tim. It means you're having me clean your patio furniture again.
Tim: And boy, it's a mess this year. Now, there are simple solutions for taking old paint and rust off right off that chair.
Al: Although one solution would be not to leave your furniture out all winter.
Tim: Then we wouldn't have any rust, we wouldn't have a show and you wouldn't have what, Al?
Al: A very small paycheck.

Quote from Tim

Tim: But I got a method that'll outshine your wire brushes, your flosses, your ointments, your salves. Put them all to shame. Heidi, my hot-air gun, please.
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi.
Heidi: You're welcome.
Al: A hot-air gun does not remove rust, it removes paint.
Tim: Well, this one does both. I made a few adjustments here. This'll take the paint off a battleship.
Al: Something a lot of our viewers have on their patio.
Tim: Just back off. [turns on the hot-air gun] Maybe they use battleships, Al.
Al: I know.
Tim: Huh? No rust. No paint.
Al: No chair.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right. Bolts off?
Brad: Ugh, mine's rusted on.
Tim: All right, we need the pneumatic wrench. Or I'll get a hot-air gun.
Boys: Oh, no. No way! [all wheel out from under the hot rod]
Tim: Just making sure you guys still watch Tool Time.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, do you have to groan every time Carrie's coming to town?
Tim: Yes. Because I know what will happen. She'll make some remarks. You'll think she's criticizing you. Then you'll get real upset and you'll end up criticizing me.
Jill: I don't need my sister to come to town to criticize you. Besides, I love Carrie. I'm just not gonna let her push my buttons.
Tim: Oh, I've heard this before. The same thing you said when your sister Robin came for Easter, when your parents came for Christmas and weird Aunt Betty came for Thanksgiving.
Jill: And your point would be what?
Tim: You have a problem with relatives or holidays.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Carrie and I are gonna be just fine. I haven't seen her in so long. I'm really looking forward to Saturday.
Tim: Saturday? Perfect. I won't be here all day. I'm helping Marty and Nancy move into their new house.
Jill: That's happening Saturday? You can't leave me with Carrie. She drives me crazy.

Quote from Marty

Marty: [enters] You idiot! You big idiot!
Tim: Stop calling me an idiot, will you, please?
Marty: Well, if you'd stop acting like an idiot, I'd stop calling you an idiot. Big fat idiot.
Tim: I heard that. All right, guys. Come in this way. Hurry up please. Watch the door.
Jill: What's going on here?
Nancy: Why are the moving men here?
Marty: I had a guy to refinish our floors, right? Tim said he had a better guy. Well, he turns out to be a bigger idiot than Tim.
Tim: No one's a bigger idiot than me.
Marty: The floors aren't gonna be dry for two days and they gotta unload the truck.
Jill: Here? In the house?
Marty: Yeah, 'cause of my brother.
Moving Man: The idiot?
Tim: Marty, I was just trying to help.
Marty: Yeah, if you wanna help, just butt out of my life, will you, you big butthead?

Quote from Jill

Carrie: Hi, hi! Guess who's here and can stay a week.
Jill: A week?
Carrie: Oh, Jill. You look great. So wholesome, like an ad for oatmeal. Nobody can pull off that suburban housewife look like my big sis.
Jill: Tim, a whole week.
Carrie: Timmy! Come on over here and give me a big wet one.
Marty: Carrie, I don't think you've met my wife.
Carrie: I don't think I've met you.
Marty: Actually, you have. A couple... eight, nine times.
Jill: Marty and Nancy. And these are their twins, Claire and Gracie.
Carrie: Oh! Brothers, babies, boxes. I love this. It is so nice to know that there are still people like my sister leading their simple little lives in their cute little houses, making delicious little meals.
Jill: I hate her little comments.
Tim: She's not talking about you. It must be another sister. She said "delicious meals."

Quote from Jill

Jill: You know, I've gone back to school, I have great kids. [finds chewing gum stuck to a pair of socks] Well...
A great marriage.
Carrie: Oh, yeah. I know. Tim is great. I could see myself with a guy like him. On the other hand, I just wanna make sure I don't settle.
Jill: Like I did for Tim?
Carrie: No, I didn't say that.
Jill: Well, that's what you implied. I mean, right after you told me my life was mundane.
Carrie: You know, you are being very self-centered.
Jill: Me, self-centered?
Carrie: Yes. We're supposed to be talking about me. You know, I happen to be at a crossroads here and I try to talk to you about it. And all you can do is yell at me and fold your stupid socks.
Jill: Well, you act like all my life is is socks.
Tim: Hey, honey. Got any clean socks? [Jill throws a pair at Tim] All right.

Quote from Marty

Marty: Tim, you took a big step today admitting that you were wrong about the floor guy.
Tim: Well, putting me in a headlock didn't hurt.
Marty: Well, Nancy wanted me to resolve my fight with you by talking about my feelings.
Tim: I really appreciate that you didn't go that way.

Quote from Marty

Nancy: Marty, I can't find Farmer Fred.
Tim: Who's Farmer Fred?
Nancy: Farmer Fred is this little stuffed toy we use to get the kids to fall asleep.
Marty: Yeah, you know, you pull his pitchfork, he makes barnyard sounds. "Moo" goes the cow and "quack, quack, quack" goes the duck, and...
Tim: Marty, I got the idea.
Nancy: You remember where you packed him?
Marty: Sure. I remember where I packed everything. Go ahead. I'll bring him right on up.
Nancy: Thanks. [exits]
Tim: [chuckles] You have no idea where you put him, do you?
Marty: No.

Quote from Tim

Jill: My sister is impossible. She's been following me all day, snapping pictures and making condescending remarks about my life. And... But the thing that really made me mad... She says the reason she's staying here a whole week is so she can observe how miserable our lives are.
Tim: It won't take a week.
Jill: You think our lives are miserable?
Tim: Of course not. I'm joking. I'm trying to cheer you up.
Jill: Well, I'm upset. It's no time to cheer me up.
Tim: Got it. I'll wait till you're in a good mood, then I'll try to cheer you up.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I don't even know why I bother talking to you. Couldn't you just be supportive?
Tim: All right, all right. I know it's horrible having a sister like Carrie. From the first moment I met her, I realized she's an obnoxious woman.
Jill: Why are you attacking my sister?
Tim: I thought that's what we were doing.
Jill: [sighs] I can trash her because I'm doing it out of love. Besides, she does have a few good points, you know.
Tim: You're right. First time I met her, I thought she was a very delightful woman. She's very attractive, fun, the kids love her. She's got a good job, she's interesting...
Jill: Please don't go that far.
Tim: From now on, you tell me how far you want me to go and I'll go there.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: Wilson, what are you doing?
Wilson: Well, hi-de-ho, neighborette. See, I am dancing the Fon Leb. Your boys gave me these nails as a gift. They are so thoughtful.
Jill: Did they also give you some litchi nuts?
Wilson: Yes, indeedy. I even nibbled on some while I was trying on the kimono that Tim gave me.
Jill: [sighs] Well, my family always believed it's better to give than keep anything my sister gave them.
Wilson: Oh, so the gifts came from Carrie?
Jill: Mm-hm.
Wilson: She is such an interesting woman.

Quote from Tim

Al: All right, Marv, if you wanna come on in here. As you see, we have a sagging beam that needs to be reinforced. Now, the best way to do that is to sister a matching beam right next to it.
Tim: Wait a minute. What is it with women and their sisters fighting? Why can't they fight like men?
Al: Tim, what does this have to do with decks?
Tim: Follow me on this. When two brothers are fighting, one gets decked, fight's over.

Quote from Al

Al: I believe you're making a gross generalization. My brother and I have never resorted to physical violence to resolve an argument.
Tim: Come on. There was never a punch thrown when you were growing up between little Cal and little Al?
Al: No. We always settled our differences with compromise and a nice cup of tea.
Tim: Get real.
Al: You wanna ask him himself? He's backstage.
Tim: Your brother's here?
Al: Yes, he is. He flew in for Mother's birthday. [applause] Thank you. I'll relay your well wishes to her when we take her out for her birthday smorgasbord.
Tim: Good luck getting her attention.

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