Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Where There's a Will, There's a Way’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Where There's a Will, There's a Way

209. Where There's a Will, There's a Way

Aired November 18, 1992

Tim is uncomfortable when Jill pushes him to draft a will.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I want you to look at some of this stuff.
Tim: Oh, come on. It's tied and the Wolverines need me. Please? Please?
Jill: No, I need you. Come on, you can miss an inning.
Tim: Inning? Why do you always bug me during the football game? Did I bug you during childbirth?
Jill: No, but you bugged me during conception.

Rate

Quote from Jill

Jill: Tim, I'm gonna make an appointment with the lawyer. If you're even thinking about getting sick, go see a doctor.
Tim: Honey, I'm healthy as a horse.
Jill: Then see a veterinarian. When was the last time that you had a complete physical?
Tim: Honey, I... I go to the doctor all the time.
Jill: I'm not talking about the emergency room.

Quote from Tim

Jill: "Upon your death, how and to whom do you want your assets to be distributed?"
Tim: Why are we always talking about my death? Let's talk about your death.
Jill: Statistics show it's much more common for the man to die first.
Tim: Yeah? Well, look what we have to live with.
Jill: And it's remarks like that that lead to those early deaths.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Wilson, Jill and I are working on our will and it's really getting to me.
Wilson: Actually, Tim, it's quite appropriate that you're contemplating death.
Tim: Yeah, why's that?
Wilson: Well, you see, when you rearrange the letters of your name, Tim Taylor, it spells the word "mortality."
Tim: Oh, I hate to hear stuff like that, Wilson.
Wilson: Does that disturb you, Tim?
Tim: Not as much as the fact that you know that.
Wilson: Now, Jill Taylor, on the other hand, would be... "jolly trail."

Quote from Tim

Tim: There's been no jolly trail over here. We've been arguing about that will.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Tim: I hate wills. I wonder who started them. Where'd they come from?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm sure you could trace it back to some chiseled drawing on the cave wall of Cro-Magnon man.
Tim: Ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting. I, Grog - ting, ting, ting, ting, ting - leave my wheel - ting, ting, ting, ting - to Grog Jr. ting, ting. To my loving wife - ting, ting, ting, ting - whose shrill cry scares the mastodon - ting, ting, ting, ting - I leave this stick.

Quote from Al

Tim: Thank you. Welcome to Tool Time. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know Al, the great-great-grandson of Sal Borland. [loud applause] Al, you perchance have some friends in the audience today?
Al: More than friends, Tim. I'd like to introduce a group that I inspired.
Tim: People without personalities.
Al: No, Tim. I'd like to introduce a group that's in our studio audience today, the Al Borland Fan Club. [The audience is full of bearded men in flannel shirts] Welcome, members of ABFC. [they salute Al]
Tim: Al, do you call it a club 'cause you've gotta beat these guys over the head to get them to join?
Audience: I don't think so, Tim.

Quote from Tim

Tim: A 1957 Ford Fairlane 500 Skyliner. It was two-tone, deep emerald green and ivory.
Jill: Why are you thinking about that?
Tim: Uh... That was the... That was the car that Dad and my brothers, we used to goof around with on Saturdays. And, God, it was... It was a hardtop convertible. Those are tough to get. You can't find them. Boy, that was a great car. You know, and then, you know, he died. Uncle Harry took the car and he sold it. We never seen it again. And that was the best thing I ever remember about my dad.
Jill: Honey, isn't that the perfect reason for you to sign a will?
Tim: Well, that would be the perfect reason. Sure.
Jill: Then why don't you sign it?
Tim: Dad was, uh... only three years older than I am now when he died. And he had all boys and I have all boys. And he, you know, he built a Ford in the garage and... I got a Ford in the garage, and I don't want my kids growing up without their dad, and I kinda figure that if I sign that will it means I'm gonna die.
Jill: But you know that's not true. Besides there's... there's one big difference between you and your father.
Tim: What's that?
Jill: His car worked.
Tim: I miss my dad an awful lot, honey.

Quote from Mark

Mark: Will you give my will to the lawyer?
Jill: You made a will? That is so responsible of you. Let's see. "I give my piggy bank, my Rollerblades and all my toys to Mom. Except my G.I. Joe that Brad pulled the head off. I leave that to Randy 'cause I think he knows where the head is." Maybe we can take care of that while you're still alive.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, I didn't mean I was gonna die now. I'm gonna live for a long, long time.
Mark: But your dad died when you were a kid.
Tim: That doesn't mean anything's gonna happen to me.
Mark: But what if it does?
Tim: Well, I'll find somebody really cool to take care of you.
Mark: Like Al?
Tim: He'll assist that person.

Quote from Tim

Jill: You know, these are bits and pieces of wills that we started and never finished.
Tim: The will? It's that again? Didn't we just do this?
Jill: Yeah, this is real recent. "In the event that we have children." You see, I think you're avoiding this again. Every time we go to make an appointment with the lawyer we end up canceling it. Usually because you come up with some bizarre physical ailment.
Tim: Do not.
Jill: Last time it was because your hair hurt.
Tim: It tightens up on me every so often.

Quote from Jill

Mark: But, Mom, they wanted to play with me.
Jill: Mark, when Brad and Randy say they wanna play with you, always ask yourself: "What do they want to do to me?"

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hello, my lucky little offspring and my even luckier wife.
Jill: Well, you're in a zippy mood.
Tim: I took your advice. Saw Dr. Brody today, got a complete physical.
Jill: Really?
Tim: He said I'm fitter than a Greek god. Just call me Baklava. As a matter of fact, he was so impressed he wanted to know if he could frame my chest x-rays and hang them in the waiting room.
Jill: Good thing he's not a proctologist.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Now, let me see. Tim's tools... go to his brother Steve.
Tim: No. No, no! No! They don't go to Steve. Don't...
Jill: I thought you weren't participating.
Tim: I'm not participating. My tools are mine. They don't go with anybody. I want to be buried with them.
Jill: Oh, no. You're not being buried. I'm having you cremated.
Tim: No, you're not. Put me in some stupid urn up here on the bookcase? Forget about it.
Jill: No, I'm not gonna do that. I'm gonna put you in a mayonnaise jar behind the wing nuts.
Tim: Rinse it out before you pour me in it.

Quote from Tim

Jill: There is something that we do have to talk about. And that is who is gonna get the kids if we both die.
Randy: [running into the house] Wedgie patrol! Wedgie patrol!
Jill: Hey! Come on. No wedgie patrol.
Tim: Why wait till we're dead? Won't somebody take them now?

Quote from Jill

Jill: You know, we don't have to itemize. It basically just says that if I die you get everything... and if you die I get everything.
Tim: My stuffs so much cooler than your stuff. If you die, what do I end up with? That weird little pig oven mitt and that blender. If I die, you get the Binford 18-piece chisel and punch set.
Jill: Oh, well, now you see why I'm so desperate to get this down on paper.
Tim: But let's say I die and you remarry a young stud named Paco who's a bullfighter in Mexico. Then what happens?
Jill: I learn Spanish.

Quote from Tim

Tim: How long have you been working on that cabin, Al?
Al: About four and a half months, Tim. But that's only because I'm doing it the old-fashioned way - the sweat of my brow and an ax.
Tim: A pox on your ax, Al. This is what you need, buddy. [chainsaw motor runs as Tim holds up a picture] You know, the Binford 8200. 82cc's, 42-inch pro bar, silicone pistons, steel bucking spike.
Al: That's fine, Tim, but I'm trying to build it the way my forefathers did.
Tim: But, Al, three out of four fathers recommend this. [chainsaw motor runs]
Al: I prefer the ax, Tim. You power that yourself.
Tim: Fine. Build it the wimpy way, Al. But next time on Tool Time, I'm gonna show everybody just how to use the Binford 8200. [chainsaw motor runs] That way you can all learn how to build your own log condominium.
Al: Well, Tim, I think you should point out that that particular chainsaw is very powerful and dangerous... [chainsaw motor runs] and should not be... [chainsaw motor runs] should not be used without... [chainsaw motor switches on and off]
[Al finally grabs the picture of the chainsaw, rips it in two and signals for the sound to be cut]
Al: This particular chainsaw should not be used without the assistance of a trained... [Tim holds up another picture of the chainsaw]

Quote from Jill

Jill: Honey, what are you doing?
Tim: I'm working on my hot rod.
Jill: It's 4:30.
Tim: I wanted to get an early start on it today. Did I wake you up?
Jill: No, I'm starting my paper route this morning.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, what is bothering you?
Tim: Nothing is bothering me.
Jill: Come on, there's something. Is it anything to do with your dad?
Tim: No. It has nothing to do with my dad. I just don't think anybody's qualified to take care of the boys. I guess you and I just can't die.
Jill: You don't think you're being a little irrational?
Tim: Easy for you to say. You're "jolly trail."
Jill: What?
Tim: See, I'm not being irrational. I just know too much. If I were an animal I would be unconscious. Think about that.

Quote from Al

Tim: Golly, it's a lot bigger than it looks in the picture, isn't it?
Al: Hope you have life insurance. They don't call it the Widow Maker for nothing.
Tim: W-W-Widow Maker?
Al: That's right. But I'm sure you'll do all right, Tim.
Tim: Al, this would be the perfect project for you.
Al: Tim, it's your show.
Tim: I wonder if your fans would like to see you take the reins of this bad boy. What about it, Al pals? Ha ha! [silence]
Al: You see, Tim, an Al pal's first duty is to watch out for Al. [Al and his fans salute each other]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Here's a lesson for you kids at home. Always have your coworker do the dangerous stunts. Sure, the girls are gonna think he's cooler, but you'll get the girl in the end because you survived. Remember, safety first.
[As Tim turns around, he bonks his head on the log]

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode