Jill: I want you to look at some of this stuff.
Tim: Oh, come on. It's tied and the Wolverines need me. Please? Please?
Jill: No, I need you. Come on, you can miss an inning.
Tim: Inning? Why do you always bug me during the football game? Did I bug you during childbirth?
Jill: No, but you bugged me during conception.

Jill: Tim, I'm gonna make an appointment with the lawyer. If you're even thinking about getting sick, go see a doctor.
Tim: Honey, I'm healthy as a horse.
Jill: Then see a veterinarian. When was the last time that you had a complete physical?
Tim: Honey, I... I go to the doctor all the time.
Jill: I'm not talking about the emergency room.

Jill: "Upon your death, how and to whom do you want your assets to be distributed?"
Tim: Why are we always talking about my death? Let's talk about your death.
Jill: Statistics show it's much more common for the man to die first.
Tim: Yeah? Well, look what we have to live with.
Jill: And it's remarks like that that lead to those early deaths.

Tim: Wilson, Jill and I are working on our will and it's really getting to me.
Wilson: Actually, Tim, it's quite appropriate that you're contemplating death.
Tim: Yeah, why's that?
Wilson: Well, you see, when you rearrange the letters of your name, Tim Taylor, it spells the word "mortality."
Tim: Oh, I hate to hear stuff like that, Wilson.
Wilson: Does that disturb you, Tim?
Tim: Not as much as the fact that you know that.
Wilson: Now, Jill Taylor, on the other hand, would be... "jolly trail."

Tim: There's been no jolly trail over here. We've been arguing about that will.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Tim: I hate wills. I wonder who started them. Where'd they come from?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm sure you could trace it back to some chiseled drawing on the cave wall of Cro-Magnon man.
Tim: Ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting. I, Grog - ting, ting, ting, ting, ting - leave my wheel - ting, ting, ting, ting - to Grog Jr. ting, ting. To my loving wife - ting, ting, ting, ting - whose shrill cry scares the mastodon - ting, ting, ting, ting - I leave this stick.

Tim: Thank you. Welcome to Tool Time. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know Al, the great-great-grandson of Sal Borland. [loud applause] Al, you perchance have some friends in the audience today?
Al: More than friends, Tim. I'd like to introduce a group that I inspired.
Tim: People without personalities.
Al: No, Tim. I'd like to introduce a group that's in our studio audience today, the Al Borland Fan Club. [The audience is full of bearded men in flannel shirts] Welcome, members of ABFC. [they salute Al]
Tim: Al, do you call it a club 'cause you've gotta beat these guys over the head to get them to join?
Audience: I don't think so, Tim.

Tim: A 1957 Ford Fairlane 500 Skyliner. It was two-tone, deep emerald green and ivory.
Jill: Why are you thinking about that?
Tim: Uh... That was the... That was the car that Dad and my brothers, we used to goof around with on Saturdays. And, God, it was... It was a hardtop convertible. Those are tough to get. You can't find them. Boy, that was a great car. You know, and then, you know, he died. Uncle Harry took the car and he sold it. We never seen it again. And that was the best thing I ever remember about my dad.
Jill: Honey, isn't that the perfect reason for you to sign a will?
Tim: Well, that would be the perfect reason. Sure.
Jill: Then why don't you sign it?
Tim: Dad was, uh... only three years older than I am now when he died. And he had all boys and I have all boys. And he, you know, he built a Ford in the garage and... I got a Ford in the garage, and I don't want my kids growing up without their dad, and I kinda figure that if I sign that will it means I'm gonna die.
Jill: But you know that's not true. Besides there's... there's one big difference between you and your father.
Tim: What's that?
Jill: His car worked.
Tim: I miss my dad an awful lot, honey.

Mark: Will you give my will to the lawyer?
Jill: You made a will? That is so responsible of you. Let's see. "I give my piggy bank, my Rollerblades and all my toys to Mom. Except my G.I. Joe that Brad pulled the head off. I leave that to Randy 'cause I think he knows where the head is." Maybe we can take care of that while you're still alive.

Tim: Well, I didn't mean I was gonna die now. I'm gonna live for a long, long time.
Mark: But your dad died when you were a kid.
Tim: That doesn't mean anything's gonna happen to me.
Mark: But what if it does?
Tim: Well, I'll find somebody really cool to take care of you.
Mark: Like Al?
Tim: He'll assist that person.

Jill: You know, these are bits and pieces of wills that we started and never finished.
Tim: The will? It's that again? Didn't we just do this?
Jill: Yeah, this is real recent. "In the event that we have children." You see, I think you're avoiding this again. Every time we go to make an appointment with the lawyer we end up canceling it. Usually because you come up with some bizarre physical ailment.
Tim: Do not.
Jill: Last time it was because your hair hurt.
Tim: It tightens up on me every so often.