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‘The Colonel’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: The Colonel

316. The Colonel

Aired February 9, 1994

Jill's father, Colonel Patterson (M. Emmet Walsh), comes to town and asks her to read a book he has written about the military.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Shouldn't your dad be here?
Jill: Well, you know the colonel. If he says he'll be here at 1700 hours, he means 1700 hours sharp.
Tim: 1700 hours. What time is that again?
Jill: 5:00. I've been trying to teach you military time for 15 years. Now, listen to this. You subtract 12 if it's a double-digit number greater than 12. If it's a single-digit number, it's the actual time. If it's a double-digit number that's less than or equal to 12, then that's also the actual time. Have you got that?
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: Hmm.
Tim: I wish your mom was coming. At least she speaks civilian.
Jill: Me too. She said she needed a break from Dad. She wants to have one week where she doesn't have to get up before dawn and raise the flag.

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Quote from Jill

Jill: Because I wasn't totally honest with you before. Daddy, this is really hard for me to say, but... the book is...
is just really not very good.
Col. Patterson: Then why'd you say you loved it?
Jill: Because that's what you wanted to hear.
Col. Patterson: Don't tell me what I wanted to hear. I want to hear the truth!
Jill: Well, I'm telling it to you now.
Col. Patterson: Fine! You didn't like the book. I'm gonna get the boys. We'll be back at 1300 hours.
Tim: What time is that?
Col. Patterson: It's 1:00! Why is that so difficult for you to understand? Every private in the army gets it by the end of the first day!
Jill: Daddy, I'm really sorry that I upset you, but...
Col. Patterson: I'm not upset! If I were upset I'd be yelling!

Quote from Jill

Jill: Dad, I wish you wouldn't take my criticism personally.
Col. Patterson: I said I don't wanna talk about the book.
Jill: Well, I do.
Col. Patterson: Where do you get off criticizing me in the first place? What do you know about the military?
Jill: You see, this is why I didn't wanna tell you. Because I knew that you would overreact. You always do. That's why nobody can ever tell anything.
Col. Patterson: What are you talking about?
Jill: When we were growing up, we weren't allowed to tell you anything that might upset you.
Col. Patterson: Oh, really? Then why the hell was I upset so much?

Quote from Jill

Jill: Tim and I tried to talk to him about it today, but he just got real upset.
Wilson: Well, there are those people that don't respond well to criticism.
Jill: Yeah, and some of 'em yell.
Wilson: Mm.
Jill: You remember that movie, Old Yeller?
Wilson: Mm-hmm.
Jill: When it came out, we thought it was about Daddy.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: That's why we had this house policy never to upset him. I always tried to follow that rule, but today I couldn't.
Wilson: So, you're feeling that telling him the truth was a mistake?
Jill: I've always really adored my father. You know, I don't wanna do anything to hurt that relationship.
Wilson: You mean the relationship where you don't tell him the truth?
Jill: Yeah, that would be the one. I don't know. I mean, look what happened when I told him the truth. Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut.
Wilson: Well, George Bernard Shaw wouldn't have thought so. He said we must not stay as we are, doing always what was done last time, or we shall stick in the mud.
Jill: Well, I'm stuck in something deep here, Wilson, but it ain't mud.

Quote from Al

Al: All right, now, Tim, what were to happen if we have a brand-new pair of shoes and the leather is hard and uncomfortable?
Tim: Ooh, that could be a big problem if you had feet like Al's mom. [takes out to gigantic work boots]
Al: Well, for shoes like this, my mother always used Binford's leather softener.
Tim: But that turns your new hard shoes into the old soft shoe. Klaus? ["The Old Soft Shoe" plays] Ah. [applause] Thanks, but enough of that foolishness. Let's get on with the next part of the shoe repair.
Al: Tim, do you call that a soft shoe?
Tim: It was a joke, Al. Anyway...
Al: Klaus? Oh, Don? [Al tap dances as "The Old Soft Shoe" plays]

Quote from Tim

Col. Patterson: Now, what time's dinner?
Tim: 2300 hours, sir.
Col. Patterson: That's 11pm.
Tim: We eat late.

Quote from Tim

Mark: Dad, when is Grandpa getting up?
Tim: Uh, let's see. He went to bed at 2300 hours. He wanted nine hours of sleep. That's 3200... minus 12. You add that up. Uh... 20 o'clock.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You know, Tool Time is not just about home improvement. It's also about male improvement. So, continuing our male improvement series, Al and I are gonna talk about men and their shoes.
Al: That's right. We'll be delving into shoe repair and shoe shining.
Tim: Not to mention shoe trees. [holds up a picture of a tree with shoes on its branches] And shoehorns. [holds up a picture of Al playing a shoe] Anyway, here's a pair of wing tips over here that have certainly seen better days.
Al: Now, when you have a shoe this damaged, you wanna take it down to the original leather using rubbing alcohol.
Tim: Right. Then for the rough spots, use a little leather dye. Polish her up, you got a shoe as good as new. Now, remember, when you're using shoe polish, use a little bit of water. It'll make that shine really spectacular.
Al: That's right. Then you wanna buff it with a cloth diaper.
Tim: Make sure you remove the baby first, though.
Al: This will give your shoe a sheen for sure.
Tim: You don't shay.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Give it a rest, guys, OK? Now, this is the Tim Taylor authorized puck chucker. Move out of the way, please. Put your mask down. Remember what I taught you. This thing shoots at incredible speed. [a puck falls out and lands a foot from the machine]
Brad: Whoa. That thing is incredible. Good thing he's wearing padding.
Tim: [goofy chuckle] I gotta get the instruction book out. Once I get the instructions, we'll see how many pucks this hockey-puck chucker can chuck.
Randy: If the puck chucker could chuck pucks.

Quote from Tim

[Tim salutes the Colonel]
Col. Patterson: Do you still live here?
Tim: Colonel, good to see you. I see the Lincoln's running well.
Col. Patterson: Oh, got me up here all the way from Texas. I tell you, '61 was a vintage year. You should've bought one the day they came out.
Tim: I would've, sir, but I was six.
Col. Patterson: That's no excuse.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Would you like a drink?
Col. Patterson: Water, straight from the tap. None of that hippy bottled stuff. Say, did you get the tickets to the guns and knives show?
Tim: Guns and knives? I thought you wanted to see Guns 'N Roses.
Col. Patterson: What?
Tim: It's a joke. It's a joke.
Col. Patterson: Ah, you're a great kidder.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Are you enjoying it?
Tim: A lot of facts.
Jill: Yeah, it's so detailed.
Tim: Tremendous detail.
Jill: And it's not flowery.
Tim: Oh, no flowers here.
Jill: No, just page after page of detail.
Tim: Can't go wrong with details.
Jill: It's boring, isn't it?
Tim: It's mind-numbing.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I thought this was gonna be more of a story, but there's nothing in there but tactics and military strategy. What are we going to tell him?
Tim: Tell him the truth.
Jill: Oh, sure. You know my dad. He hears bad news, he hits the roof, then he sulks, then he doesn't wanna talk about it anymore, and then the whole thing remains unresolved.
Tim: He can take it. He's a tough guy. He gives shrapnel as gifts.

Quote from Jill

Tim: When I do something you don't like, you don't hold back on me.
Jill: I've held back lots of things from you, Tim.
Tim: Back the truth trolley up here a little bit. What kind of things don't you let me know?
Jill: Oh, where shall I start?
Tim: With one.
Jill: OK. You know that green suit you bought?
Tim: That wasn't green. That was more of a pistachio. You said it was stunning.
Jill: What was stunning was that you could walk into a store and actually walk out with that suit.

Quote from Tim

Tim: It's a tad bit wordy. You know, in a good way.
Col. Patterson: A writer's supposed to use words. What do you want - pictures?
Tim: Could've helped it a little. What was so odd - you have a book, and there's no people in it.
Col. Patterson: This is a book about policy and objectives and how to win a war. You don't wanna clutter that up with a lot of people.
Tim: Good point. Writing a book about war, you don't wanna talk about people.
Col. Patterson: What are you trying to tell me, Tim? That you had mixed feelings about my book?
Tim: I wouldn't say that.
Col. Patterson: You wouldn't know good literature if it bit you in the butt.

Quote from Tim

Col. Patterson: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I-I appreciate you defending me, but he's entitled to his opinion.
Tim: Thank you.
Col. Patterson: Even though we both know he's wrong. Let's face it, Tim, you have no taste.
Jill: Tim has wonderful taste.
Col. Patterson: Oh, yeah? Remember that green suit he wore to your sister's wedding?
Tim: It wasn't green, it was avocado, almost melon.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I remember now. The salesman said that suit was a loden heather.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: [snores]
Jill: Wilson?
Wilson: [wakes up] Huh? [clears throat] Hi-de-ho, neighborette.
Jill: What are you doing?
Wilson: Well, I'm just trying to read this extremely lengthy tome that your father gave me.
Jill: Why are you doing it out here? It's freezing cold.
Wilson: Well, I tried reading inside, but I kept falling asleep.

Quote from Mark

Col. Patterson: So, I'm standing there in Korea right on the 38th parallel, when who taps me on the shoulder? General Douglas MacArthur.
Mark: Who?
Col. Patterson: Your father never told you about General MacArthur?
Mark: No, but he told me about General Motors.
Col. Patterson: Well, this guy was even bigger. [grabs an apple] So we're standing there, and what do you think he hands me?
Mark: An apple?
Col. Patterson: A grenade. You know how to throw one of these things, son? [Mark shakes his head] You grip it in your right hand, you pull the pin with your teeth and you let it fly.
Jill: No throwing grenades in the house, Mark.
Mark: How'd you know what it was?
Jill: You kidding? I grew up with fruit ammunition.

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