504. Jill's Surprise Party
Aired October 17, 1995
Tim and the boys throw a surprise party for Jill two weeks before her thirty-ninth birthday.
Quote from Tim
Randy: Why throw Mom a 39th birthday party anyway? I thought 40 was the big one.
Tim: [whistles] Randy, Randy, Randy, Randy. You got a lot to learn about women. A woman's 40th birthday party is something she does not want to celebrate.
Randy: Why not?
Tim: Well, because at 40 a woman feels like she's, you know, getting old. And that puts her in a very bad mood for a very long time.
Brad: How long?
Tim: Generally, the rest of her life. You see, at that age women don't like their looks anymore. You know, they see their cheeks sagging, necks hanging... And before long, it's inevitable their entire face will cave right in.
Mark: Even a party can't cheer her up?
Tim: I'm sorry to say, Mark, there's not a party big enough to make a woman happy who has no face.
Quote from Al
Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you know my assistant, Al "Generation X-tra Large" Borland. You might have noticed Al's not sporting his traditional plaid or flannel today because he's got a new look. I think he looks... peachy.
Al: I don't feel peachy.
Tim: All right, today we're talking about do-it-yourself jobs that aren't actually do-it-yourself. Now, replacing a pane of glass is one thing, but for plate glass, you'll need a helper. So today, I'll be hiking the glass in place, Al will use a point driver to secure it. [lifts glass] All right, Al, point driver.
Al: Uh, I don't have my point driver.
Tim: Well, thanks for "pointing" that out. Where is it?
Al: I left it backstage. I feel a little flummoxed without my flannel!
Quote from Tim
Ilene: Hey, I got the balloons. I had to go all over town but I got 'em.
Tim: Well, go all over town and take 'em back. They say "40th Birthday." It's her 39th.
Ilene: Her 39th? I thought this was her 40th birthday.
Heidi: Me, too. Why wouldn't you be having the party next year?
Mark: Because that's when a woman falls apart and her face caves in.
Nancy: Who told you that?
Mark: Dad. He knows everything about women.
Carrie: Is that so?
Tim: You know what the odd thing is? This boy has two fathers. And it was the other father who would've said something... [nervous chuckle] Oh, boy. Why don't you tell us everything you know about women, Tim?
Ilene: Yeah. We have a second.
Tim: Boy, is it hot! Are you hot at all here? Benny, can you help me out at all with this conversation?
Benny: I can't. I thought women fell apart when they hit 30.
Quote from Marty
Tim: All right, main dishes. Who brought main dishes?
Wilson: Well, I've got a wok full of my delicious kung-pao crickets.
Tim: Ew. Somebody else? Anybody else bring a main dish?
Marty: It's OK. It's OK. We brought a big bowl of lobster salad.
Tim: Oh, that's just perfect, Marty. Great. Lobster makes Jill break out in hives.
Nancy: Marty, why didn't you know that?
Marty: Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I'll just start keeping a list of all my relatives' allergies.
Tim: All right, everybody, I need help getting the lobster out of here. Just pick in and get the lobster out. Quick, quick, quick.
Quote from Benny
Benny: Hey, everybody!
Tim: Benny, what are you doing here?
Benny: I heard you were having a party for Jill. How come I wasn't invited?
Tim: Well... I didn't want you to feel obligated to bring her a present.
Benny: You know me. I never feel obligated.
Quote from Wilson
Tim: Marie, how are you holding up?
Marie: Oh, I'm doing great, Tim. Considering my bum of a husband left me for a 25-year-old meat packer who worked at his plant. Oh, God, Tim. [cries on Tim's shoulder]
Tim: Oh, Wilson, could you help me out just for a little bit?
Wilson: Why certainly, neighbor. Hello, Marie.
Marie: Hi, Wilson.
Wilson: You know, I'm reminded of the poet, Robert Burns, who said, "Had we ne'er lov'd so kindly, had we ne'er lov'd sae blindly..."
Quote from Bud
Bud: Tim, you know, I've been looking over the scripts and they are terrific.
Tim: Great. It's always nice to have a boss appreciate my ideas.
Bud: Oh, I love what you're doing. Of course, if the ratings in the new markets aren't good, then I hate what you're doing.
Quote from Tim
Tim: All right, guys. Hurry up. Let's clean this house up. We're going to give your mom the best surprise party ever.
Randy: Think she suspects anything?
Tim: Nah. Having the party's two weeks early, great idea. I'm glad I thought of it.
Randy: I thought of it.
Tim: Yeah, well, who thought of having all the guests wait over at Wilson's?
Mark: Dad, I came up with that.
Tim: Yeah, but whose idea was it to have everybody bring their favorite dish?
Quote from Jill
Tim: Which is why tonight's party is gonna be great. I'm flying in Aunt Carrie. Some of Mom's best friends are going to be here. I even invited that lady she liked at the magazine... [Jill enters] Julie Zwickie.
Jill: Did you say Julie Zwickie?
Tim: No, I said,"Goodness, gracious! These counters are sticky." Why are you back?
Jill: Oh, I forgot my psych book. Ew! Just mentioning Julie Zwickie makes my skin crawl.
Tim: Huh? I thought you liked her.
Jill: Well, not since I found out that she bad-mouthed me when I worked at the magazine. If I ever see that backstabbing witch again, I'll squeeze her neck till her eyes pop out. See you guys later! [exits]
Tim: Have a nice day.
Randy: Good party game. Instead of charades, we can play "Pop the Eyes Out of Julie Zwickie."
Quote from Al
Tim: Al, no eating till we get to the party, OK?
Al: I'm sorry, Tim. But when they took my flannel away at work, I was so upset I couldn't eat my lunch!
Tim: It's not like you couldn't miss a meal now and then.