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‘Jill's Surprise Party’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Jill's Surprise Party

504. Jill's Surprise Party

Aired October 17, 1995

Tim and the boys throw a surprise party for Jill two weeks before her thirty-ninth birthday.

Quote from Tim

Randy: Why throw Mom a 39th birthday party anyway? I thought 40 was the big one.
Tim: [whistles] Randy, Randy, Randy, Randy. You got a lot to learn about women. A woman's 40th birthday party is something she does not want to celebrate.
Randy: Why not?
Tim: Well, because at 40 a woman feels like she's, you know, getting old. And that puts her in a very bad mood for a very long time.
Brad: How long?
Tim: Generally, the rest of her life. You see, at that age women don't like their looks anymore. You know, they see their cheeks sagging, necks hanging... And before long, it's inevitable their entire face will cave right in.
Mark: Even a party can't cheer her up?
Tim: I'm sorry to say, Mark, there's not a party big enough to make a woman happy who has no face.

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Quote from Al

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you know my assistant, Al "Generation X-tra Large" Borland. You might have noticed Al's not sporting his traditional plaid or flannel today because he's got a new look. I think he looks... peachy.
Al: I don't feel peachy.
Tim: All right, today we're talking about do-it-yourself jobs that aren't actually do-it-yourself. Now, replacing a pane of glass is one thing, but for plate glass, you'll need a helper. So today, I'll be hiking the glass in place, Al will use a point driver to secure it. [lifts glass] All right, Al, point driver.
Al: Uh, I don't have my point driver.
Tim: Well, thanks for "pointing" that out. Where is it?
Al: I left it backstage. I feel a little flummoxed without my flannel!

Quote from Tim

Ilene: Hey, I got the balloons. I had to go all over town but I got 'em.
Tim: Well, go all over town and take 'em back. They say "40th Birthday." It's her 39th.
Ilene: Her 39th? I thought this was her 40th birthday.
Heidi: Me, too. Why wouldn't you be having the party next year?
Mark: Because that's when a woman falls apart and her face caves in.
Nancy: Who told you that?
Mark: Dad. He knows everything about women.
Carrie: Is that so?
Tim: You know what the odd thing is? This boy has two fathers. And it was the other father who would've said something... [nervous chuckle] Oh, boy. Why don't you tell us everything you know about women, Tim?
Ilene: Yeah. We have a second.
Tim: Boy, is it hot! Are you hot at all here? Benny, can you help me out at all with this conversation?
Benny: I can't. I thought women fell apart when they hit 30.

Quote from Marty

Tim: All right, main dishes. Who brought main dishes?
Wilson: Well, I've got a wok full of my delicious kung-pao crickets.
Tim: Ew. Somebody else? Anybody else bring a main dish?
Marty: It's OK. It's OK. We brought a big bowl of lobster salad.
Tim: Oh, that's just perfect, Marty. Great. Lobster makes Jill break out in hives.
Nancy: Marty, why didn't you know that?
Marty: Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I'll just start keeping a list of all my relatives' allergies.
Tim: All right, everybody, I need help getting the lobster out of here. Just pick in and get the lobster out. Quick, quick, quick.

Quote from Benny

Benny: Hey, everybody!
Tim: Benny, what are you doing here?
Benny: I heard you were having a party for Jill. How come I wasn't invited?
Tim: Well... I didn't want you to feel obligated to bring her a present.
Benny: You know me. I never feel obligated.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Marie, how are you holding up?
Marie: Oh, I'm doing great, Tim. Considering my bum of a husband left me for a 25-year-old meat packer who worked at his plant. Oh, God, Tim. [cries on Tim's shoulder]
Tim: Oh, Wilson, could you help me out just for a little bit?
Wilson: Why certainly, neighbor. Hello, Marie.
Marie: Hi, Wilson.
Wilson: You know, I'm reminded of the poet, Robert Burns, who said, "Had we ne'er lov'd so kindly, had we ne'er lov'd sae blindly..."

Quote from Bud

Bud: Tim, you know, I've been looking over the scripts and they are terrific.
Tim: Great. It's always nice to have a boss appreciate my ideas.
Bud: Oh, I love what you're doing. Of course, if the ratings in the new markets aren't good, then I hate what you're doing.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right, guys. Hurry up. Let's clean this house up. We're going to give your mom the best surprise party ever.
Randy: Think she suspects anything?
Tim: Nah. Having the party's two weeks early, great idea. I'm glad I thought of it.
Randy: I thought of it.
Tim: Yeah, well, who thought of having all the guests wait over at Wilson's?
Mark: Dad, I came up with that.
Tim: Yeah, but whose idea was it to have everybody bring their favorite dish?
Brad: Mine.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Which is why tonight's party is gonna be great. I'm flying in Aunt Carrie. Some of Mom's best friends are going to be here. I even invited that lady she liked at the magazine... [Jill enters] Julie Zwickie.
Jill: Did you say Julie Zwickie?
Tim: No, I said,"Goodness, gracious! These counters are sticky." Why are you back?
Jill: Oh, I forgot my psych book. Ew! Just mentioning Julie Zwickie makes my skin crawl.
Tim: Huh? I thought you liked her.
Jill: Well, not since I found out that she bad-mouthed me when I worked at the magazine. If I ever see that backstabbing witch again, I'll squeeze her neck till her eyes pop out. See you guys later! [exits]
Tim: Have a nice day.
Randy: Good party game. Instead of charades, we can play "Pop the Eyes Out of Julie Zwickie."

Quote from Al

Tim: Al, no eating till we get to the party, OK?
Al: I'm sorry, Tim. But when they took my flannel away at work, I was so upset I couldn't eat my lunch!
Tim: It's not like you couldn't miss a meal now and then.

Quote from Bud

Bud: Well, I'm sure they're gonna love you. But I still have doubts about Al.
Tim: No...
Bud: Yeah, yeah. Which is why I made a little change.
Tim: Change?
Bud: Yeah.
[Al walks out with his hair slicked back, wearing a light pink shirt and an unbuttoned grey sweater-vest]
Al: This is not me!
Bud: Yeah, but that's what I'm going for. See, I'm trying to get that 20-something audience - that Generation X crowd.
Tim: This'll make 'em shut off their TVs.
Bud: I wonder how Al would look in a buzz cut?
Tim: His mom doesn't look too good in one.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Hi, Wilson.
Tim: Jill?
Jill: Tim? What are you doing over there?
Tim: Uh... Wilson called me at work and said he's going out of town, so why don't I check to see if his doors are locked. I thought you were at the library.
Jill: I was. I got home a couple hours ago. I've been looking through these photo albums my mom gave me for my birthday.
Tim: Uh-huh. [Wilson whistles] Hit the deck! [whispers to Wilson] Jill's over there. Hold these.
Jill: Look. That's me at age eight playing our old family piano.
Tim: You look mighty cute playing that old piece of junk.
Jill: It wasn't a piece of junk. That was an antique. Uh-huh. Look how happy I am sitting there practicing chopsticks.
Tim: You must have been good to be able to eat Chinese food and play the piano at the same time.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Gosh, I loved that piano.
Tim: Mm-hm.
Jill: And Dad got transferred to a base in Europe and gave it away! I was so upset I cried all the way to Italy.
Wilson: Mm-hm-hm-hm-hm.
Tim: [mimics Wilson] Mm-hm-hm-hm-hm. Kind of reminds me of my first scroll saw.
Jill: Your parents gave it away?
Tim: No, no. I left it at the playground. I put a small motor in the teeter-totter. I shot this kid halfway across the parking lot. When I got back to the playground, it was gone. I always wanted to track that thing down.
Jill: Have you noticed when I tell you a story about me, we wind up talking about you?
Tim: Never noticed. [Jill walks away] Good going, Wilson. Maybe next time you'll keep your "hm-hm-hms" to yourself.
Wilson: Well, I am sorry, neighbor.
Tim: OK. Your keys. [Wilson lets go of the balloons] [balloons popping]

Quote from Tim

Randy: [answers phone] Hello? Yeah, hold on a second. Hey, Dad, it's that woman Mom hates. Julie Zwickie. She needs directions to the party.
Tim: [takes the phone] Hi, Julie. It's Tim Taylor. Hi. Where are you now? OK, quick. Get on 94, go west. When you get to 10... I know, sounds pretty goofy, doesn't it? But just listen. When you get to 10, go... 12 exits. You get off that exit and then just look for our house. You can't miss it. OK. Look forward to seeing you. OK, bye. [hangs up]
Brad: Won't that take her to Canada?
Tim: Yes, it will.

Quote from Tim

Tim: It'll be a perfect surprise. I'm going to go to the art show with your mom and act like I've got a stomach ache. Be back in a half hour. This is gonna be perfect! Honey! Ready to go to the art show?
Jill: Oh. I'm not going to the art show, I'm going to Toledo.
Tim: What?
Jill: Yeah. I found my old piano.
Tim: What are you talking about?
Jill: I got the idea when you told me that story about your scroll saw.
Tim: You hated that story!
Jill: Yes, I did hate it when I first heard it. But then I was inspired by it.
Tim: Go with the hate! Go with the hate!

Quote from Marty

Marty: We can't drink anything. We can't eat anything. There's no guest of honor. You throw a heck of a party.
Tim: It's not my fault, Marty. This whole thing was the kids' idea.
Brad: [to Randy & Mark] Hey, we're not the ones who inspired her with that dumb story about the scroll saw.

Quote from Al

Ilene: You know, Tim, maybe you oughta just cancel the party and have it on Jill's real birthday.
Tim: She will be back!
Ilene: I was just trying to help.
Tim: Well, I'm just trying...
Ilene: Don't snap at me! I never knew you could be such a crab.
Al: We can eat the crab?

Quote from Marty

Ilene: It's 10:30. Maybe we should cut the cake.
Benny: Cake? Now you're talking. Somebody light the candles and make a wish.
Marty: I wish I didn't eat so many kung-pao crickets. Keep getting this weird urge to rub my legs together.

Quote from Jill

Tim: I'm sorry things didn't go so smoothly. I really wanted this to be a special night for you.
Jill: It was special.
Tim: Yeah, right. By the time you showed up, there were only 11 people here.
Jill: Yeah. But 11 people I really love. Well, I mean, ten plus Benny.

Quote from Tim

Jill: You know, when I walked in here tonight I saw all the things that have meaning in my life. Great friends, wonderful family, a husband who was sensitive enough to throw me a party a year before my face caved in.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, you heard that?
Jill: Yeah, I heard that.
Jill: So, honey, are you still gonna love me when I'm all droopy and saggy?
Tim: Come on! I already do. I fell in love with you and I intend to fall apart with you.

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