Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland. [crowd applause] Well, welcome to remodeling week here on Tool Time. Today we're gonna show you some space-saving items around the home, like this clever little clap rack.
Al: All right, let's start over here at the kitchen counter.
Tim: No better way to save space than utilize it well. Under-counter recycling bins.
Al: And this narrow area is a great place for a dispenser for aluminum, wax paper and plastic wrap.
Tim: And what about my special drawer?
Al: What is so special about this drawer?
Tim: This is a drawer you can put all the stuff you can't find any other place for. You know, like buttons and pins that don't work, string, thimbles, you know, navel lint, rakes, brooms, skis, poles... There's even room for you in there, Al.
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Al: All right. Now, this is a nifty idea. This is a cooling unit in a drawer. It's great for fruits and vegetables, close to the cutting board.
Tim: As well as your wine, your beer, your vodka.
Al: And that extra liver you're going to need for the transplant.

Al: Now, if you need some extra space in the utility room, this unit is a washer/dryer all in one.
Tim: Oh! Finished your laundry, Al. [holds up a large pair of flannel underpants] Oh, gosh darn it, I must've shrunk 'em.
Al: All right. Now, over to the family unit here.
Tim: Now, you can't possibly tell me these are called briefs. How many flannels you have to kill to get underwear this size?

Al: Well, this beautiful piece of furniture can fit under a windowsill, and it can house an entire entertainment system.
Tim: Right. In Al's apartment, this is where he hides his square-dance caller. [humming]
Al: It opens through the lid here, and a motorized unit brings the TV up to eye level.
Tim: Right. But the standard motor is just a bit sluggish. So l...
Al: Oh, you didn't soup up a TV counter, did you?
Tim: That way it'll just pop up quicker.
[The TV shoots out of the unit, breaks an overhead duct, and crashes to the ground]

Tim: One thing The Tool Man never forgets is to buy the wife a Valentine's Day present.
Al: Yeah, but you usually end up doing it late and buying Jill a box of waxy chocolates from the gas station.
Tim: Oh, how little you know, my funny little "Alentine." I bought Jill's gift this year in July.
Al: So they'll be waxy and stale?
Tim: I didn't get chocolates. I found something I knew she'd love, so I bought it on the spot because I knew I would forget.
Al: Yeah? What did you get her?
Tim: I don't remember.
Al: You don't remember what you bought?
Tim: I will when I get it out from where I hid it.
Al: Yeah? Where'd you hide it?
Tim: [chuckles] I don't remember.

Tim: I don't even remember her.
Jill: Well, let's look her up in the yearbook.
Tim: You know, I'm thinking she probably works for a big tool company, you know? One of those women that sells arc welders.
Jill: Tim, have you ever known a woman who sold arc welders?
Tim: No, but a guy can dream, can't he?

Tim: Maybe she does have some sort of crush on me. I don't ever remember talking to her. She was in none of my classes.
Jill: Maybe you were in some of the same clubs. Let's see. Honor Society, Philosophy Club, Latin Scholars...
Both: I don't think so.
Tim: Anything about being in the Future Transmission Workers of America?
Jill: [laughs] Not according to this.

Tim: Well, I don't think I'm comfortable going to see her.
Jill: Well, you have to go see her. You have to find out what she wants.
Tim: Yeah? [chuckles] Well, what if what she wants is to take me away from you?
Jill: Have her make an offer. I'll take the weekend to think it over.

Randy: Well, I just got 40 bucks richer. I found Dad's gift for Mom.
Mark: Ooh, what is it?
Randy: It's a locket with a picture of... ...Brad?
Brad: What are you guys doing? That's my Valentine's gift for Angela!
Randy: But if we put a picture of Mom in there and tell Dad it's his gift, we can split the 40 bucks.
Brad: What happens to me and Angela?
Mark: Not our problem.
Tim: [enters] Hey, guys! Anybody find Mom's Valentine's gift?
Randy: Well, we would have if Brad wasn't so selfish.

Jill: This is so shocking! Your father had an affair that nobody knew about? I can't believe it. It's like something out of a romance novel. Where do you think they had these secret little trysts?
Tim: You know, Jill, I didn't think to ask.
Jill: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What if Liddy and your father had a love child?!
Tim: Would you stop it!
Jill: You were saying how hot Elizabeth was. What if she's your sister?
Tim: Now I want to vomit!
Jill: What if you had married her instead of me?
Tim: Would you let this go?
Jill: What if you and your half-sister had had children?
Tim: Well, then I would be the best father and uncle to those kids possible.