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‘A Funny Valentine’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: A Funny Valentine

616. A Funny Valentine

Aired February 11, 1997

When a woman from Tim's past asks to meet him at a hotel on Valentine's Day, he wonders whether she has a crush on him.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland. [crowd applause] Well, welcome to remodeling week here on Tool Time. Today we're gonna show you some space-saving items around the home, like this clever little clap rack.
Al: All right, let's start over here at the kitchen counter.
Tim: No better way to save space than utilize it well. Under-counter recycling bins.
Al: And this narrow area is a great place for a dispenser for aluminum, wax paper and plastic wrap.
Tim: And what about my special drawer?
Al: What is so special about this drawer?
Tim: This is a drawer you can put all the stuff you can't find any other place for. You know, like buttons and pins that don't work, string, thimbles, you know, navel lint, rakes, brooms, skis, poles... There's even room for you in there, Al.
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

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Quote from Al

Al: All right. Now, this is a nifty idea. This is a cooling unit in a drawer. It's great for fruits and vegetables, close to the cutting board.
Tim: As well as your wine, your beer, your vodka.
Al: And that extra liver you're going to need for the transplant.

Quote from Tim

Al: Now, if you need some extra space in the utility room, this unit is a washer/dryer all in one.
Tim: Oh! Finished your laundry, Al. [holds up a large pair of flannel underpants] Oh, gosh darn it, I must've shrunk 'em.
Al: All right. Now, over to the family unit here.
Tim: Now, you can't possibly tell me these are called briefs. How many flannels you have to kill to get underwear this size?

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, this beautiful piece of furniture can fit under a windowsill, and it can house an entire entertainment system.
Tim: Right. In Al's apartment, this is where he hides his square-dance caller. [humming]
Al: It opens through the lid here, and a motorized unit brings the TV up to eye level.
Tim: Right. But the standard motor is just a bit sluggish. So l...
Al: Oh, you didn't soup up a TV counter, did you?
Tim: That way it'll just pop up quicker.
[The TV shoots out of the unit, breaks an overhead duct, and crashes to the ground]

Quote from Tim

Tim: One thing The Tool Man never forgets is to buy the wife a Valentine's Day present.
Al: Yeah, but you usually end up doing it late and buying Jill a box of waxy chocolates from the gas station.
Tim: Oh, how little you know, my funny little "Alentine." I bought Jill's gift this year in July.
Al: So they'll be waxy and stale?
Tim: I didn't get chocolates. I found something I knew she'd love, so I bought it on the spot because I knew I would forget.
Al: Yeah? What did you get her?
Tim: I don't remember.
Al: You don't remember what you bought?
Tim: I will when I get it out from where I hid it.
Al: Yeah? Where'd you hide it?
Tim: [chuckles] I don't remember.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I don't even remember her.
Jill: Well, let's look her up in the yearbook.
Tim: You know, I'm thinking she probably works for a big tool company, you know? One of those women that sells arc welders.
Jill: Tim, have you ever known a woman who sold arc welders?
Tim: No, but a guy can dream, can't he?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Maybe she does have some sort of crush on me. I don't ever remember talking to her. She was in none of my classes.
Jill: Maybe you were in some of the same clubs. Let's see. Honor Society, Philosophy Club, Latin Scholars...
Both: I don't think so.
Tim: Anything about being in the Future Transmission Workers of America?
Jill: [laughs] Not according to this.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Well, I don't think I'm comfortable going to see her.
Jill: Well, you have to go see her. You have to find out what she wants.
Tim: Yeah? [chuckles] Well, what if what she wants is to take me away from you?
Jill: Have her make an offer. I'll take the weekend to think it over.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Well, I just got 40 bucks richer. I found Dad's gift for Mom.
Mark: Ooh, what is it?
Randy: It's a locket with a picture of... ...Brad?
Brad: What are you guys doing? That's my Valentine's gift for Angela!
Randy: But if we put a picture of Mom in there and tell Dad it's his gift, we can split the 40 bucks.
Brad: What happens to me and Angela?
Mark: Not our problem.
Tim: [enters] Hey, guys! Anybody find Mom's Valentine's gift?
Randy: Well, we would have if Brad wasn't so selfish.

Quote from Jill

Jill: This is so shocking! Your father had an affair that nobody knew about? I can't believe it. It's like something out of a romance novel. Where do you think they had these secret little trysts?
Tim: You know, Jill, I didn't think to ask.
Jill: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! What if Liddy and your father had a love child?!
Tim: Would you stop it!
Jill: You were saying how hot Elizabeth was. What if she's your sister?
Tim: Now I want to vomit!
Jill: What if you had married her instead of me?
Tim: Would you let this go?
Jill: What if you and your half-sister had had children?
Tim: Well, then I would be the best father and uncle to those kids possible.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Hi-ho, neighbor.
Tim: Hi, Wilson.
Wilson: Using a metal detector at night in the middle of winter... You know, Tim, I'd be glad to help out if you're having a cash flow problem.
Tim: It's not about that. I hid Jill's Valentine's present. I can't find it anywhere in the house, so I thought maybe I buried it out here.
Wilson: What'd you get her? A bone?

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: So how did the meeting go with your alluring school chum?
Tim: It was actually a meeting with my school chum's mum. Apparently, she and my father were very good friends. She was about to tell me they had an affair and I just ran away.
Wilson: Well, I could see how painful it would be for you to hear something like that. I know how much you idolized your dad.
Tim: I spent my whole life trying to be like him.
Wilson: Well, Tim, there's nothing wrong with modeling your life after someone. But it is dangerous to try to live up to an ideal that can't possibly exist.
Tim: What are you saying?
Wilson: I think it's important you think of your father as a human being with flaws like everybody else. You know, I'm reminded of the English statesman, Oliver Cromwell, who told an artist, "I want my picture painted, warts and all."
Tim: My dad didn't have any warts. He just had a big scar on his neck where I shot him with a staple gun.
Wilson: If you don't find out the truth about your father, you may spend your life wondering who he was.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Maybe I should go back down to that hotel. [rapid beeping]
Wilson: Ah! Sounds like you found Jill's present.
Tim: No. This is just an area I bury stuff I blow up so Jill won't find them. [beeping] That's a curling iron there. [rapid beeping] Crock pot.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I went to high school with a Talbot. Huh. Says she's in town for three days singing at the Hotel Shipman.
Al: Wow! She looks you up after 25 years? What do you think she wants?
Tim: I don't know.
Heidi: You know, last year a guy called me out of the blue from high school. Seems he's had a crush on me this whole time.
Tim: Was his name Liddy Talbot?
Al: Ooh, maybe Liddy's had a crush on you all these years.
Heidi: She did say it was personal.
Al: Ooh! Maybe she's just left her husband and she wants to seduce you with her feminine wiles.
Tim: Yeah. Maybe you should cancel that subscription to Cosmo.

Quote from Brad

Randy: I'm going crazy. I don't know what to get Lauren for Valentine's Day.
Brad: [scoffs] I know what I want to give Angela.
Randy: Wow! The new Ferrari 456. Not a bad price: $200,000.
Brad: That includes floor mats.

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