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Home Improvement: Workshop 'Til You Drop

603. Workshop 'Til You Drop

Aired October 1, 1996

After Bud's marriage falls apart, Tim agrees to join Jill at a couples' workshop.

Quote from Bud

Tim: I didn't know you and Jean were having any trouble.
Bud: Yeah, we just stopped talking to each other. There's nothing more important in a marriage than communication.
Tim: Is there any chance of you guys getting back together?
Bud: About as much chance as you getting through Tool Time without a fire or flood.
Tim: It doesn't look too good, does it?

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Quote from Bud

Bud: I took my marriage for granted and now I'm having to pay the price. Do you know what it's like to go home to an 18-room mansion and there's no one to share it with but your domestic staff?
Tim: Can't say as I do, Bud.
Bud: Well, let me tell you, Tim, it's no fun.

Quote from Tim

Dr. Emory: Repressed anger can often be a problem in marriages. When we keep things bottled up inside they can surface at inappropriate moments. Would anyone like to share an angry moment they've been holding on to? [Tim raises his hand] Tim.
Tim: I'd like to share an angry moment.
Jill: Go. No, no, go!
Tim: OK. [sighing] I went to an auto parts store to pick up some windshield wipers, to replace them on my Mustang. It clearly said on the box, "Will fit any Ford". A Mustang's a Ford, isn't it? Well, I get them home, they're the clip-on type, not the snap-on type. They didn't fit. I couldn't use them. I take them back to the store, they would not give my money back because they were used! [exhaling]
Jill: This is your big angry moment?
Tim: You bet. It's been with me a long time. It's great to get it off my chest.
Dr. Emory: What has that got to do with your marriage?
Tim: I was married at the time.

Quote from Jill

Wilson: I take it the workshop didn't go as swimmingly as you hoped it would?
Jill: Complete disaster. Tim spent the entire time complaining about me. He said that I have been criticizing him since the day we were married. He even told that wedding story when we were standing in front of the minister and he said, "I do" and I said, "You're mumbling". Well, I couldn't help myself. He's a mumbler.
Wilson: And you felt compelled to remind him of this on your wedding day?
Jill: You know what else? He said I'm demanding. You don't think I'm demanding, do you, Wilson?
Wilson: Well, Jill...
Jill: Come on, come on, come on. I don't have all night. Oh, my God. Did you hear that?
Wilson: Loud and clear.
Jill: Tim's right. I am. I'm a badgering, nagging shrew. All I'm missing is a rolling pin and a bun in my hair. Oh, no! I've got the bun!

Quote from Randy

Brad: Hey, Randy, I got an idea for your first story. You can write about me. You can tell the whole Brad Taylor story in depth.
Randy: And after that sentence, then what?
Mark: How about you write about me?
Randy: That's not even a sentence. It's a question mark.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
Al: Today we're gonna show you how to maintain the tools in your workshop.
Tim: And we're not talking about some marriage workshop where they force you to spill your guts.
Al: Why would we? We're a tool show. You see, over time your tools could become useless if they're not properly maintained.
Tim: And maintenance on tools is easy. You don't have to drag these bad boys to some tool therapy group to "bring back the magic".
Al: Tool therapy group?
Tim: You must have read the book. Hammers are from Venus, Pliers are from Mars.
Al: You're the one from Mars.
Tim: They found life there, you know. There was a meteorite with old Germans in it. Now...
Al: Germs. There were germs in it.

Quote from Bud

Al: Well, the truth is, when Tim makes fun of my weight, and my wearing flannel... You know, he says he's just joking, but I think he has an underlying resentment toward me.
Dr. Emory: Tim, would you like to respond to that?
Tim: No.
Bud: I gotta say, you're kind of rough on Al. Personally, I think that's why his mom overeats.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Guess what. Randy is gonna be a newspaper man.
Tim: All right. You're carrying on a family tradition. All my brothers were newspaper men. First thing we do, get you a big bike, all right? With those big tires. Whitewalls or something. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Fender on a, a little horn... It'll look corny, but it'll be cool.
Randy: Dad.
Tim: Wait, wait, wait. We'll put a card in the spokes...
Randy: Dad!
Tim: Big, big bags. We'll fold the papers up, I'll teach you how to throw them.
Randy: Dad.
Tim: What?
Randy: I'm not gonna deliver the paper. I'm gonna write for it.
Tim: Oh. Can we still get the bike?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Let's move on to power tool maintenance. We'll start with this nomadic auger.
Al: Nomadic?
Tim: Yes.
Al: That would be the group of tools that wanders aimlessly throughout the desert? To properly maintain your pneumatic tools, keep them lubricated.

Quote from Bud

Bud: I should have been more open-minded when she wanted to get help. Now I'm a lonely, lonely desperate man.
Tim: Bud, Bud, Bud, you're not desperate.
Bud: Yes, I am.
Tim: No, you're not.
Bud: Yeah. Oh. Hey, Al, you and your mother doing anything tonight?
Al: Just bingo at the senior center. You want to come?
Bud: Love to.
Al: Great.
Tim: [grunts] You can't get more desperate than that.

Quote from Jill

Jill: OK. There was this one time when we were on vacation. Gorgeous night, full moon, we're walking along the beach. I looked in his eyes and I said, "I never thought that I could love anyone as much as I love you". And he looked into my eyes and said, "Do you think they rent dune buggies here?"
Dr. Emory: How did you feel at that moment?
Jill: Alone. All alone.
Dr. Emory: Would you like to respond to that, Tim?
Tim: Oh, yeah. But if I did I'm afraid I'd be driving home alone. All alone!

Quote from Tim

Randy: Well, I got my story for the paper.
Tim: What's it about?
Randy: Well... It turns out that the cafeteria lady serves a vegetarian casserole with the same ladle she uses to scoop the pork stew.
Tim: [whistles] What are you gonna call it, "Ladle-gate"?
Randy: I'm gonna blow the lid right off that lunchroom, Dad.
Tim: I've done that. Blew the lockers right out of the gymnasium. I blew the librarian right out of the library.

Quote from Jill

Tim: All right. You know what I think?
Dr. Emory: Not what you think, Tim. What you feel.
Tim: Oh. I feel like Jill's a little demanding sometimes. She just doesn't expect me to know what she feels at a beach, she expects me to know what she feels all the time. And since I don't belong to the Psychic Friends Network, I don't know what she's feeling all the time. She ends up getting mad at me and starts to criticize me.
Jill: How can you say that?
Tim: He asked me to.
Jill: I am not demanding. I am not critical.
Dr. Emory: Jill, there's no need to be defensive.
Jill: I'm not defensive. Am I defensive?
Dave: I'd say so.
Jill: Who asked you?

Quote from Brad

Randy: Mom, guess what. I got picked to write for the school paper.
Jill: That's great. I used to write for my school paper.
Brad: I didn't know they had printing presses back then.
Jill: They didn't. We wrote by hand and pigeons carried the news from village to village.

Quote from Jill

Jill: You free Sunday?
Tim: All day. What's up?
Jill: Well, my school is sponsoring an all-day couples therapy workshop. I'd really like us to go.
Tim: Oh! I said, "Sunday, I'm free any day but Sunday".
Jill: Good, 'cause it's actually Saturday.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, I hate when you do that.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I really don't want to go.
Jill: Now, look, I think this workshop could really benefit our marriage. Look, it's called, "Keeping the Magic Alive".
Tim: Well, what's the matter with our marriage?
Jill: Nothing.
Tim: Nothing? That sounds pretty serious. We better go right now!

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, you go to therapy to prevent things from going wrong, to learn to communicate better. A good marriage needs maintenance. Just like a car.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Jill: You take your Mustang ­to Louie's garage every 3,000 miles.
Tim: Why don't we just go there? At least we get a free air filter.
Jill: I really want to go to this workshop.
Tim: Why don't you go alone?
Jill: "Couple" generally means two people.
Tim: Maybe you'll meet somebody there.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Now, over the winter you might get a light coat of rust on an open-end wrench or an adjustable wrench like this. The simplest way to take it off there is a little 80-grit sandpaper. Lightly sand and clean it right up.
Al: That's right. You can also use a file, a wire brush or a wonderful bar.
Tim: Now, Big Mike's is what I call a wonderful bar, you know. Four of his rusty nails, you won't care what shape your tools are in. [slurring] I love you, man.
Al: Actually, this cleaning implement is called a "wonderful bar".
Tim: Another wonderful bar is called The Pig's Knuckle in Traverse City. Boy, that place...
Al: Use it like an eraser to polish off the rust on your tools.
Tim: That's great.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I'm so glad you came.
Tim: Well, I don't want to end up like Bud. Although I certainly would like a domestic staff.

Quote from Tim

Jill: This is my husband, Tim. This is my friend, Mary Ellen.
Tim: Hi, Mary Ellen. Nice to meet you.
Mary Ellen: Hi. Jill told me you're a little nervous 'cause this is your first workshop.
Tim: Well, the first one without a bench grinder.
Mary Ellen: My husband was nervous his first time, too. But by the end of the first session Dr. Emory had him in the fetal position sobbing like a baby. [walks away]
Tim: [to Jill] What time did you want me picking you up?
Jill: Here, come on. We're gonna sign our names on these name tags. Look, nobody's gonna make you cry. All you have to do is be open and honest.
Tim: All right. [puts on a name tag reading "Al"]

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