Tim: I didn't know you and Jean were having any trouble.
Bud: Yeah, we just stopped talking to each other. There's nothing more important in a marriage than communication.
Tim: Is there any chance of you guys getting back together?
Bud: About as much chance as you getting through Tool Time without a fire or flood.
Tim: It doesn't look too good, does it?

Bud: I took my marriage for granted and now I'm having to pay the price. Do you know what it's like to go home to an 18-room mansion and there's no one to share it with but your domestic staff?
Tim: Can't say as I do, Bud.
Bud: Well, let me tell you, Tim, it's no fun.

Dr. Emory: Repressed anger can often be a problem in marriages. When we keep things bottled up inside they can surface at inappropriate moments. Would anyone like to share an angry moment they've been holding on to? [Tim raises his hand] Tim.
Tim: I'd like to share an angry moment.
Jill: Go. No, no, go!
Tim: OK. [sighing] I went to an auto parts store to pick up some windshield wipers, to replace them on my Mustang. It clearly said on the box, "Will fit any Ford". A Mustang's a Ford, isn't it? Well, I get them home, they're the clip-on type, not the snap-on type. They didn't fit. I couldn't use them. I take them back to the store, they would not give my money back because they were used! [exhaling]
Jill: This is your big angry moment?
Tim: You bet. It's been with me a long time. It's great to get it off my chest.
Dr. Emory: What has that got to do with your marriage?
Tim: I was married at the time.

Wilson: I take it the workshop didn't go as swimmingly as you hoped it would?
Jill: Complete disaster. Tim spent the entire time complaining about me. He said that I have been criticizing him since the day we were married. He even told that wedding story when we were standing in front of the minister and he said, "I do" and I said, "You're mumbling". Well, I couldn't help myself. He's a mumbler.
Wilson: And you felt compelled to remind him of this on your wedding day?
Jill: You know what else? He said I'm demanding. You don't think I'm demanding, do you, Wilson?
Wilson: Well, Jill...
Jill: Come on, come on, come on. I don't have all night. Oh, my God. Did you hear that?
Wilson: Loud and clear.
Jill: Tim's right. I am. I'm a badgering, nagging shrew. All I'm missing is a rolling pin and a bun in my hair. Oh, no! I've got the bun!

Brad: Hey, Randy, I got an idea for your first story. You can write about me. You can tell the whole Brad Taylor story in depth.
Randy: And after that sentence, then what?
Mark: How about you write about me?
Randy: That's not even a sentence. It's a question mark.

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
Al: Today we're gonna show you how to maintain the tools in your workshop.
Tim: And we're not talking about some marriage workshop where they force you to spill your guts.
Al: Why would we? We're a tool show. You see, over time your tools could become useless if they're not properly maintained.
Tim: And maintenance on tools is easy. You don't have to drag these bad boys to some tool therapy group to "bring back the magic".
Al: Tool therapy group?
Tim: You must have read the book. Hammers are from Venus, Pliers are from Mars.
Al: You're the one from Mars.
Tim: They found life there, you know. There was a meteorite with old Germans in it. Now...
Al: Germs. There were germs in it.

Al: Well, the truth is, when Tim makes fun of my weight, and my wearing flannel... You know, he says he's just joking, but I think he has an underlying resentment toward me.
Dr. Emory: Tim, would you like to respond to that?
Tim: No.
Bud: I gotta say, you're kind of rough on Al. Personally, I think that's why his mom overeats.

Jill: OK. There was this one time when we were on vacation. Gorgeous night, full moon, we're walking along the beach. I looked in his eyes and I said, "I never thought that I could love anyone as much as I love you". And he looked into my eyes and said, "Do you think they rent dune buggies here?"
Dr. Emory: How did you feel at that moment?
Jill: Alone. All alone.
Dr. Emory: Would you like to respond to that, Tim?
Tim: Oh, yeah. But if I did I'm afraid I'd be driving home alone. All alone!

Jill: Guess what. Randy is gonna be a newspaper man.
Tim: All right. You're carrying on a family tradition. All my brothers were newspaper men. First thing we do, get you a big bike, all right? With those big tires. Whitewalls or something. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Fender on a, a little horn... It'll look corny, but it'll be cool.
Randy: Dad.
Tim: Wait, wait, wait. We'll put a card in the spokes...
Randy: Dad!
Tim: Big, big bags. We'll fold the papers up, I'll teach you how to throw them.
Randy: Dad.
Tim: What?
Randy: I'm not gonna deliver the paper. I'm gonna write for it.
Tim: Oh. Can we still get the bike?

Tim: Let's move on to power tool maintenance. We'll start with this nomadic auger.
Al: Nomadic?
Tim: Yes.
Al: That would be the group of tools that wanders aimlessly throughout the desert? To properly maintain your pneumatic tools, keep them lubricated.