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‘A Sew, Sew Evening’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: A Sew, Sew Evening

304. A Sew, Sew Evening

Aired October 6, 1993

Tim doesn't form a good first impression of his new neighbor, Joe Morton (Robert Picardo), but Jill is keen to have dinner with him and his wife, Marie (Mariangela Pino).

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Have you ever had a real annoying neighbor?
Wilson: Tim, is this a trick question?
Tim: No, I'm talking about that guy next door to me. He just moved in - Joe. He's already bugging me. [Tim bounces a ball against the fence]
Wilson: I know the feeling, Tim.
Tim: That guy is such a pain in the butt. Just being around him gives me a headache.
Wilson: Tim, you wouldn't happen to have an aspirin on you, would you?
Tim: What would you do?
Wilson: Well, what I would do, when I'm face-to face with an irksome individual, I always say look for the good in people.
Tim: Huh. And that works?
Wilson: Most of the time. And if it doesn't... [catches the ball] I take his ball away.

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Quote from Tim

Tim: No way! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Home ec? You really gotta take shop. It's where you learn about tools, building things, tearing stuff down, and... [grunts]
Brad: Yeah, but home ec is me and 30 girls.
Tim: What do you wanna be around 30 girls for? Oh-ho-ho! I catch you. Before you go jumping in a room with 30 girls, you really should take shop.
Brad: Why?
Tim: Shop prepares you for women. You learn how to cut wood. How to sever a finger. You learn pain. Then you're ready for women.

Quote from Jill

Jill: All right, why don't we just sit down and discuss acceptable lies and non-acceptable lies.
Jill: OK, OK. I'll give you some, all right? Lie number one... "I can't go out tonight because my wife is accepting a Mother of the Year award."
Tim: OK.
Jill: All right, lie number two. "I can't go out tonight because my wife is finishing her third book."
Tim: Reading it or writing it?
Jill: Very funny!
Tim: All right, I'm getting the vibe here. "We can't go out tonight because my wife is braiding her back hair."
Jill: Not acceptable!
Tim: A little over the top?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: All right. "I can't go out tonight because my wife will be hugging me and smothering me in romantic kisses."
Jill: Acceptable, but nauseating.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Nice going, as usual, Tim! I think I smoothed it over, though. We're having dinner with Joe and Marie on Saturday.
Tim: We don't wanna do that!
Jill: I do. I like Marie.
Tim: I don't like Joe. You don't know that guy.
Jill: Well, you only spent a couple of minutes with him.
Tim: Yeah, and already, he's loud, obnoxious, thinks he knows everything about cars.
Jill: Why does this sound familiar? [Tim grunts]

Quote from Jill

Tim: Oh, look, the drinks are here. Oh, boy.
Jill: We didn't order any drinks.
Marie: Well, Joe took the liberty.
Joe: For the three of us, I got Cabernet Sauvignon. And for you, Jill, I got, uh... this.
Jill: What is this?
Joe: It's a Shirley Temple. [Tim sighs] Yeah, Tim told me about your other little problem.
Jill: Excuse me, waitress? Can you bring us some extra rolls, please? I'm gonna need 'em to sop up all the blood.

Quote from Randy

Tim: Hey, didn't you sign up for an elective today?
Brad: Yeah. Let's go, Randy.
Tim: No, wait a minute. I'm real proud of you. Your first year of shop - the Year of the Ashtray.
Randy: Actually, Brad's taking home ec.
Tim: What?
Randy: This is the Year of the Muffin.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I'm gonna get back on this windshield.
Joe: Don't mind me. I'm a fly on the wall.
Tim: [to himself] Wish I had some insect repellent.
Joe: I'll just buzz around and watch.
Tim: All right. [Joe honks the horn] I really got something to do inside.
Joe: Oh, what is it?
Tim: A little problem.
Joe: What's wrong?
Tim: What's wrong? Uh... It's my wife. She's got this condition. I gotta go wake her up, dress her, pour coffee down her throat to get her going.
Joe: I hear you, buddy. [mimes drinking]
Tim: No, that's not it...
Joe: Timmy, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I see you on TV, I figure there's a guy who got it made. Now I find out there's a dark side to The Tool Man. Hm. Take care, buddy. Here's your paper. Beauty!

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo!
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Y'all know my assistant, Al "God knows what's under that beard" Borland.

Quote from Al

Tim: Today Al and I will be talking about fencing. In order to do that, I'm gonna need my dueling dowel. Heidi?
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Thanks, Heidi.
Heidi: You're welcome.
Tim: En garde, big fella. Come on, Flannel Man.
Al: Tim. Tim. Tim.
Tim: He's scared. [Al takes Tim's dowel]
Al: This is not the type of fencing we're talking about. [Tim grabs another dowel] Today, we're talking about the classic... [Tim and Al fence] Fencing champion, Gilmore High, 1976.

Quote from Tim

Al: This will help keep your fence plumb, as well as help with spacing.
Tim: While Al's fiddling around with his plumb, I'll discuss another way to stop a pesky neighbor. You guessed it, electrical shock. To demonstrate that, we've installed an invisible doggy fence.
Al: We have?
Tim: Yes. Right through the floor here. Now, Foo Foo wears a special collar. When attached to him, it activates the fence. If Foo Foo were dumb enough to try to stray, he gets a mild, correctional shock. Grr. [yelping] Grr! [yelping] Now, this will work on that pesky neighbor... if you can get him to wear the collar. Al, won't you be my neighbor?
Al: I don't think so, Tim.

Quote from Al

Tim: Let's get back to building that fence. We're gonna need more slats, so if you'll walk over and grab those slats for me, we can finish it.
Al: Sure thing.
[title: "What Al doesn't know is that Tim has hidden the collar in Al's tool belt]
Al: Could you get me those nails there, Tim?
[title: "What Tim doesn't know is that Al discovered the collar and hid it in Tim's tool belt]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Uh, I want to sit and chitchat, but I'm gonna go put the grill on. I'll show it to you later.
Jill: I thought you already did that today.
Tim: Oh, I didn't tell you. I met our new neighbor, Mr. Meat Man, Mr. Obnoxious. This guy comes over, breaks the grill...
Marie: Did he happen to give you a pen?
Tim: Yeah, with a big cow on. You know the guy?
Marie: Mm, I'm married to him.
Tim: Oh, yeah! Wait a minute. I said "obnoxious", didn't I? I meant "gregarious."
Marie: Listen, no need to explain to me. I call him a lot worse, believe me.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Oh, Tim. While I'm gone, can you try to get your foot out of your mouth?

Quote from Tim

Tim: What's going on?
Randy: Word got out about lover boy's idea to meet girls. Every guy in the seventh grade signed up for home ec.
Brad: Dad, I mean, they put us in separate class - 30 boys and no girls. And we have to sew!
Tim: I'd like to help you out, Brad, I really would. But I got a whole drawer full of socks that need darning.
Brad: Man!
Randy: And maybe after that you can crochet me a sweater.
Tim: Yeah.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Besides, it's an opportunity for us to go out with another couple for a change.
Tim: Well, pick another couple. How about Jack and Suzanne?
Jill: They don't like you.
Tim: We could go out with the couple we went out with last weekend?
Jill: Al and his mother do not constitute a couple.
Tim: Al's mother by herself constitutes a couple. "Where's the meat?"

Quote from Tim

Joe: Tonight everything's on The Meat Man. Don't even look at the prices. Order whatever you want.
Tim: Ah, chicken I'll have.
Joe: You don't come to a place like the Chuck House for chicken. You want steak.
Marie: Honey, let him order what he wants.
Jill: Well, why don't you try the steak?
Tim: I don't want the steak. I'd like the chicken.
Joe: But you can get chicken anywhere.
Tim: I like the chicken here.
Joe: No, you want the steak here. They make it so rare, you need eight rolls to sop up the blood.
Jill: I think I'll have the chicken.

Quote from Randy

Brad: I'm never gonna finish this stupid hat.
Randy: Well, then you won't get a chance to make the skirt that goes with it.
Brad: How'd you like a split lip?
Randy: Well, that'd be great, then you'd get extra credit for sewing it back up.

Quote from Mark

Al: Holy smokes, your folks are home! Quick, turn that off. Get up to bed. Mark! Mark, wake up. Wake up, you gotta go to sleep.
Mark: But I was sleeping.

Quote from Jill

Tim: And honey, I apologize for making up that stupid story. I was out of line. But you know what? If you and Marie want to go out as a couples, I'm in.
Jill: Marie and I definitely wanna go out as couples.
Tim: All right.
Jill: We just gotta find two other guys.

Quote from Jill

Jill: [on the phone] Yeah, Jerry. Oh, you want us to see your vacation videos? Oh, that's too bad. We can't do it. No, no. Tim's working late. No, he's not here. I'm so sorry. Maybe some other time. OK, bye-bye. [hangs up]
Tim: Liar, liar, bra's on fire!
Jill: So you wanna go to over to Jerry and Sheila's, and watch them argue their way through Europe?
Tim: That's not the point. Why is it I can't lie about you and you can lie about me?
Jill: Because I'm better at it! Tim, if you're gonna lie about me, you have to use common sense. Wait. Hold on. We have to find another guideline.

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