‘A Sew, Sew Evening’
Season 3, Episode 4 - Aired October 6, 1993
Tim doesn't form a good first impression of his new neighbor, Joe Morton (Robert Picardo), but Jill is keen to have dinner with him and his wife, Marie (Mariangela Pino).
Quote from Wilson
Tim: Have you ever had a real annoying neighbor?
Wilson: Tim, is this a trick question?
Tim: No, I'm talking about that guy next door to me. He just moved in - Joe. He's already bugging me. [Tim bounces a ball against the fence]
Wilson: I know the feeling, Tim.
Tim: That guy is such a pain in the butt. Just being around him gives me a headache.
Wilson: Tim, you wouldn't happen to have an aspirin on you, would you?
Tim: What would you do?
Wilson: Well, what I would do, when I'm face-to face with an irksome individual, I always say look for the good in people.
Tim: Huh. And that works?
Wilson: Most of the time. And if it doesn't... [catches the ball] I take his ball away.
Quote from Tim
Tim: No way! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! Home ec? You really gotta take shop. It's where you learn about tools, building things, tearing stuff down, and... [grunts]
Brad: Yeah, but home ec is me and 30 girls.
Tim: What do you wanna be around 30 girls for? Oh-ho-ho! I catch you. Before you go jumping in a room with 30 girls, you really should take shop.
Brad: Why?
Tim: Shop prepares you for women. You learn how to cut wood. How to sever a finger. You learn pain. Then you're ready for women.
Quote from Jill
Jill: All right, why don't we just sit down and discuss acceptable lies and non-acceptable lies.
Jill: OK, OK. I'll give you some, all right? Lie number one... "I can't go out tonight because my wife is accepting a Mother of the Year award."
Tim: OK.
Jill: All right, lie number two. "I can't go out tonight because my wife is finishing her third book."
Tim: Reading it or writing it?
Jill: Very funny!
Tim: All right, I'm getting the vibe here. "We can't go out tonight because my wife is braiding her back hair."
Jill: Not acceptable!
Tim: A little over the top?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: All right. "I can't go out tonight because my wife will be hugging me and smothering me in romantic kisses."
Jill: Acceptable, but nauseating.
Quote from Jill
Jill: Nice going, as usual, Tim! I think I smoothed it over, though. We're having dinner with Joe and Marie on Saturday.
Tim: We don't wanna do that!
Jill: I do. I like Marie.
Tim: I don't like Joe. You don't know that guy.
Jill: Well, you only spent a couple of minutes with him.
Tim: Yeah, and already, he's loud, obnoxious, thinks he knows everything about cars.
Jill: Why does this sound familiar? [Tim grunts]
Quote from Jill
Tim: Oh, look, the drinks are here. Oh, boy.
Jill: We didn't order any drinks.
Marie: Well, Joe took the liberty.
Joe: For the three of us, I got Cabernet Sauvignon. And for you, Jill, I got, uh... this.
Jill: What is this?
Joe: It's a Shirley Temple. [Tim sighs] Yeah, Tim told me about your other little problem.
Jill: Excuse me, waitress? Can you bring us some extra rolls, please? I'm gonna need 'em to sop up all the blood.
Quote from Randy
Tim: Hey, didn't you sign up for an elective today?
Brad: Yeah. Let's go, Randy.
Tim: No, wait a minute. I'm real proud of you. Your first year of shop - the Year of the Ashtray.
Randy: Actually, Brad's taking home ec.
Tim: What?
Randy: This is the Year of the Muffin.
Quote from Tim
Tim: I'm gonna get back on this windshield.
Joe: Don't mind me. I'm a fly on the wall.
Tim: [to himself] Wish I had some insect repellent.
Joe: I'll just buzz around and watch.
Tim: All right. [Joe honks the horn] I really got something to do inside.
Joe: Oh, what is it?
Tim: A little problem.
Joe: What's wrong?
Tim: What's wrong? Uh... It's my wife. She's got this condition. I gotta go wake her up, dress her, pour coffee down her throat to get her going.
Joe: I hear you, buddy. [mimes drinking]
Tim: No, that's not it...
Joe: Timmy, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I see you on TV, I figure there's a guy who got it made. Now I find out there's a dark side to The Tool Man. Hm. Take care, buddy. Here's your paper. Beauty!
Quote from Tim
Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo!
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Y'all know my assistant, Al "God knows what's under that beard" Borland.
Quote from Al
Tim: Today Al and I will be talking about fencing. In order to do that, I'm gonna need my dueling dowel. Heidi?
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Thanks, Heidi.
Heidi: You're welcome.
Tim: En garde, big fella. Come on, Flannel Man.
Al: Tim. Tim. Tim.
Tim: He's scared. [Al takes Tim's dowel]
Al: This is not the type of fencing we're talking about. [Tim grabs another dowel] Today, we're talking about the classic... [Tim and Al fence] Fencing champion, Gilmore High, 1976.
Quote from Tim
Al: This will help keep your fence plumb, as well as help with spacing.
Tim: While Al's fiddling around with his plumb, I'll discuss another way to stop a pesky neighbor. You guessed it, electrical shock. To demonstrate that, we've installed an invisible doggy fence.
Al: We have?
Tim: Yes. Right through the floor here. Now, Foo Foo wears a special collar. When attached to him, it activates the fence. If Foo Foo were dumb enough to try to stray, he gets a mild, correctional shock. Grr. [yelping] Grr! [yelping] Now, this will work on that pesky neighbor... if you can get him to wear the collar. Al, won't you be my neighbor?
Al: I don't think so, Tim.