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‘The Karate Kid Returns’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: The Karate Kid Returns

614. The Karate Kid Returns

Aired January 14, 1997

Mark comes to Randy's defense when a bigger kid picks on him at the mall. Meanwhile, Wilson's cousins, The Beach Boys, are in town.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Nice to see you guys. This is just unbelievable. Wow! I mean, The Beach Boys right... Could I ask you a little favor?
Al Jardine: Hey, say no more. Two, three, four...
The Beach Boys: [sing] Little surfer Little one Made my heart Come all undone Do you love me? Do you, surfer...
Tim: That's a good song, you know. But I was kinda hoping... You know, l... I really like that. But I was hoping you could do one of your great car songs. Uh, like Little G.T.O.?
Mike Love: That wasn't our song.
Tim: No. [laughs] I mean Little Old Lady from Pasadena.
Matt Jardine: That was Jan and Dean.
Tim: Um... Hey Little Cobra!
Bruce Johnston: Sorry. Rip Chords.
Tim: Well, the only one I know is Little Deuce Coupe, and I know you didn't do that.
Carl Wilson: Actually, we did.
Tim: Well... and it was great.
Wilson: Well, it would've been if they'd used my lyrics.
Mike Love: Let's not start that argument again.

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Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, I just don't understand. Would it have been so horrible for them to have recorded one of my verses?
Tim: Why is this so important to you?
Wilson: I just always thought I had a flair for writing.
Tim: You do. I mean, you wrote a book.
Wilson: Yes, I did. The Psycho-Physiological Indices of Amorous Connections Among Termites of the Southwest.
Tim: And it's a great book. I'm halfway through the title already.
Wilson: Well, Tim, my book sold four copies. Fun, Fun, Fun sold four million.
Tim: Well, I think it's a fact of life people would rather have fun than termites.
Wilson: Well, the two are not mutually exclusive.
Tim: Hold on a second. Let me ask you a question here. What if one of your cousins had come to you with suggestions about things to put in your book?
Wilson: Well, don't be ridiculous. Why would I go to The Beach Boys for their views on entomology? [off Tim's look] Ahhh. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. And why would they come to me about writing surfer songs?

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, if I'm gonna write songs, I should just write about things I know... like termites.
Tim: There you go!
Wilson: Mm-hm. Wood Vibrations.
Tim: Wood-n't It Be Nice. [Wilson laughs] Help Me, Rodent.
Wilson: Ah.

Quote from Randy

Lauren: So how's the hot rod coming along?
Tim: Really good. Starting the hydraulics on the convertible top.
Lauren: Great. Did you remember to bleed the system?
Randy: Never have to remind my dad to bleed.

Quote from Tim

Jill: You should've seen Mark at his lesson today. He was awesome.
Mark: Sure was.
Tim: Well, that's my boy. I told you, you worked hard at this thing, big things are gonna happen. You know, and it'll help you with future things down the line.
Jill: You don't have any idea what we're talking about, do you?
Tim: Not a clue.
Mark: I was at karate, Dad.
Tim: Yeah! Yeah. Well, you work hard at that and end up... You get a high-paying job in the karate industry.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Nippy out here for a barbecue, isn't it, Wilson?
Wilson: Well, Tim, my cousins and their friends are in town on business. I'm making veggie burgers since they didn't care for my Armadillo Cacciatore.
Tim: Your cousins are here? I'd sure like to meet them. Are they anything like you?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, no. They're oddballs.
Mike Love: Hey, Wilson, how are those veggie burgers coming?
Carl Wilson: Yeah, I'm starving, cuz.
Wilson: Tim Taylor. Uh, Tim, these are my cousins. This is Mike Love... ...and Carl Wilson.
Tim: Th... these are The Beach Boys. He never said he was related to you guys.
Wilson: Well, I never tell anybody we're related. Otherwise, I'd be hounded for concert tickets and autographs.
I know the feeling!
Tim: I'm a celebrity too! Tool Time. Host. [hums theme song]
Bruce Johnston: Hey, any sign of a burger?
Wilson: Tim, these are the rest of The Beach Boys.
Tim: Yeah!
Wilson: This is Bruce Johnston, and Al and Matt Jardine.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, guys. I'll show you my hot rod if you'll sing a little of Little Deuce Coupe.
Brad: What kind of car do you have?
Tim: '46 Ford convertible.
All: Yeah.
Tim: All-metal body.
All: Whoa...
Tim: Tricked-out flathead.
All: Cool!
Tim: Three carburetors.
All: Three?!
Carl Wilson: One, two, three...
The Beach Boys: [sing] Little deuce coupe You don't know what I got Little deuce coupe You don't know what I got Well, I'm not braggin', babe So don't put me down I've got the fastest set of wheels in town When something comes up to me he don't even try 'Cause if I had a set of wings I know she could fly She's my little deuce coupe You don't know what I My little deuce coupe You don't know what I got

Quote from Randy

Randy: Ah, Dad. I'm getting together with Lauren. What do you think? Vest? Or... no vest?
Tim: Well... no vest says casual and cool. Vest says you might be trying to impress her. You're a little desperate.
Randy: Got it. Go with the vest.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Where are you and Lauren going?
Randy: Uh, to the mall. I need some new shoes, and Lauren said she wanted to go shopping.
Tim: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Randy: What does "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa" mean?
Tim: When a girl wants to help you buy shoes, it means she wants to be more than just friends.
Randy: Really?
Tim: Yeah. Here's how it goes. Candy store, friends. Shoe store, more than friends. Jewelry store, run for your life.
Randy: [doorbell rings] Don't worry, Dad. We're nowhere near jewelry store.
Tim: Trust me, one day you'll say the magic words: "It looks kind of like gold, doesn't it, honey?"

Quote from Mark

Mark: I got him.
Randy: Uh-oh, he's coming back. What do we do?
Mark: I don't know. That's as far as we got in karate class. [they run]

Quote from Tim

Tim: The bad news? Wilson's actually mad at his cousins because they never let him write lyrics for the band. Good news? I got the autographed picture of The Beach Boys you wanted.
Jill: Oh, right. "Dear Jill, you're married to a great man, and you don't need any more jewelry?"
Tim: I didn't say a word.

Quote from Randy

Mark: That was so cool in the shoe store. It was like I was somebody else.
Randy: And yet all those other times when we wanted you to be someone else, nothing.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Mark, we don't let you take karate so you can use it.
Mark: Then why am I taking it?
Jill: So you'll have the confidence of knowing you can defend yourself if you have to, but you shouldn't because you shouldn't get into a situation where you have to use it.

Quote from Jill

Jill: [to Randy] Well, honey, we saw the paper. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of. You did nothing wrong. Even if you are, you shouldn't be ashamed because there's no shame in being ashamed.
Tim, Brad & Randy: Huh?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Oh, Al. I almost forgot. Got that autographed picture of The Beach Boys for your mom.
Al: Oh, wow! Thank you. She will be so appreciative. Uh... "To Al's mom. Our biggest fan... by a wide margin." Did you tell them that my mother was weight-challenged?
Tim: No. I just told them what to write.
Al: Well, I can't put this on her wall now!
Tim: Well, put it on the floor. She'll never see it.
Heidi: [on video monitor] Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Woo-hoo!
Al: You know, she's losing weight.
Tim: I know she's losing weight. I'm just joking about this... [both arguing]

Quote from Al

Al: All right, A.J. Why don't you show us a bit about these tools you're developing?
A.J. Sanderson: Well, there is nothing more cutting-edge than the new Binford air-powered scissors. [whirs] They operate on 80 PSI of compressed air which allows the blades to close with 70 pounds of force.
Al: Seventy pounds? That means you could cut through fiberglass. You can cut through carpeting. Even sheet metal.
Tim: Hey, Al, these'd be good. Next time you lose the keys to your lunch box, you won't have to bite through it.
A.J. Sanderson: Also brand new is our laser tape measure, our laser levels and our combination laser shrimp de-veiner and nose-hair clipper.
Tim: Nyah!
Al: You know, my mother's birthday is coming up soon. [takes the d-veiner]

Quote from Tim

Tim: You guys are doing a lot with lasers. Any truth to the rumor about a laser toilet?
A.J. Sanderson: We're keeping a tight lid on that one. But I can show you something that is still in the experimental stages. A high-powered laser tree pruner.
Al: Are you saying you can cut a tree limb with a laser beam?
A.J. Sanderson: That's right.
Tim: Adjustable. That's nice. I see you got a laser fixed up here. Now, how does it operate? I just point it to the tree limb and say "timber?"
A.J. Sanderson: Yeah, and press that button. Now, you won't be able to see the beam, so be careful where you aim it.
Tim: All right. So...
[When Tim shudders after successfully lasering down a tree branch, he takes down a mounted photograph and a bookshelf too]

Quote from Wilson

Mike Love: Wilson, man, what a cool flute! You mind if I play it?
Wilson: No, Michael. I would appreciate it if you would keep your hands off my shakuhachi.
Mike Love: Man, am I glad we only get together with you once a year!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, great news! I gave Wilson some advice. I think he may patch things up with The Beach Boys.
Randy: Well, great. Maybe your advice could help me with Lauren.
Tim: All right. Here it is. If all you know is termites, don't go surfing in Kokomo. Perhaps that doesn't apply here.

Quote from Randy

Lauren: "Real Men Don't Hit. By Randy Taylor. Real men don't hit. They roll with the punches."
[back home:]
Jill: "In a moment of humiliation, I lashed out and struck my fellow man. But now I realize that violence is not the answer."
Tim: This is great, Randy. She's gonna think you really mean this.
Randy: Dad, I do.
Tim: Even better.
Jill: "I learned the error of my ways from the wisdom of my father..."
Tim: Much better.
Jill: "...a man who's humiliated himself more than any human being on the planet."

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