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‘Trouble-a-Bruin’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Trouble-a-Bruin

823. Trouble-a-Bruin

Aired May 11, 1999

Tim is unhappy when Binford starts exerting more control over Tool Time by removing all non-branded tools and requiring a new uniform. Meanwhile, Brad rushes to playing soccer again when a coach from UCLA comes to watch him in a tournament.

Quote from Jill

Wilson: Jill, let me ask you something. Did you ever go against your parents' wishes and take a risk that involved physical danger?
Jill: Yeah, I did. I married Tim.

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Quote from Tim

Tim: You know the important news? Bud has turned a good tool company into a fascist dictatorship.
Jill: So what, he's gonna declare war on Home Depot?
Tim: You know, this is serious. We're not allowed to use any tools on the set that don't have the Binford logo on them. And since Binford doesn't make any automotive tools, I can't do any car-related Tool Times.
Jill: That's ridiculous. I knew they were giving you problems down there. I didn't know they would go this far.
Tim: Oh, this is just the beginning. They start taking away your diagnostic equipment, the next thing you know your money looks different and you're waiting in line for vodka and toilet paper.

Quote from Tim

Dr. Hennessy: Well, look, Brad's knee should be around 85 percent by game time.
Tim: 85 percent! That's like a B-minus.
Brad: All right!
Jill: But 85 percent means that there's an increased chance that he'll get hurt.
Tim: Well, yeah... Yeah... But what if he only plays 85 percent of the time? That would eliminate the 15 percent chance of injury!
Brad: All right!
Jill: [to the puzzled Dr. Hennessy] Welcome to my world.

Quote from Tim

Tim: This is unbelievable! Every time I call Bud, he's not home. I keep getting some guy that sounds just like Bud talking through a thick sock.
Jill: Sounds like he's trying to duck you.
Tim: I'll show him. I'll call him back and pretend I'm not me.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland. All right. Now, all of us take our car to the mechanic now and then for a tune-up. But do we really know what they do?
Al: I do. Sorry. I'm just excited 'cause I know the answer.
Tim: There's nothing I like better than giving a car a tune-up. Tightening belts, new spark plugs, oil change, scraping my knuckles. [grunts] Oh, yeah. Quickest way to find out what's going on is to use a diagnostic machine. We'll get... Where's the diagnostic machine? Oh, let me guess.
Heidi: It wasn't a Binford.
Tim: Well, everyone, I guess you showed up for no reason, thanks to my... [audience groans] No, no. Thanks to my friends at Binford who removed my diagnostic machine. I'm supposed to do a tune-up! How the hell am I supposed to do it without the machine?
Al: I know.
Tim: You have the answer, Al?
Al: By using our Binford hand tools.

Quote from Tim

Al: That's right! Trusty hand tools made by Binford. All you need is a Binford screwdriver to listen for valve noises the old-fashioned Binford way. Heidi? [Heidi starts the engine]
Tim: Now, if you find this as dull as I do, why don't you contact the CEO here? He's Bud Harper, care of Binford Tools, and tell him Tim sent you.
Al: Always the kidder. Now, you want to take this and place it against the valve head with the handle to your ear, making sure to keep away from the alternator belt, the fan belt, and most importantly, the electrical coil.
Tim: Look at Al. Putting on a good front. But under that bearded grin, he's just as mad about this as I am. You're a real trouper, Al.
[As Tim pats Al on the back, the screwdriver touches the coil, sending electricity surging through Al's body, sending him hurtling back from the car]
Al: [screams]
Tim: Been there.

Quote from Jill

Brad: Did the mail come in yet?
Jill: No.
Brad: Gosh, you'd think the post office is trying to torture me. I mean, they know I'm waiting on these college acceptance letters and all of a sudden the mail's coming late.
Jill: Well, it's all a diabolical plot masterminded by the CIA, the FBI and Bill Gates.
Brad: Really?
Mark: And you're going to college?

Quote from Tim

Tim: I think we should call Dr. Hennessy and see what he says before we make our decision.
Jill: Think we can get an appointment with this short notice?
Tim: Drop my name, they'll send a car.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What about wardrobe?
Al: Well, apparently, we're supposed to wear these.
[Al holds up two pairs of yellow overalls featuring the Binford logo]
Tim: What are we? Gay exterminators? Are we actually supposed to wear these things?
Heidi: Actually, one of us is supposed to wear this. [holds up a skimpy yellow bra and thong]
Tim: If Borland puts that on, I'm walking.

Quote from Tim

Jill: How long can a knee exam take?
Tim: My personal best, about six and a half minutes, indoors.
[A man is wheeled by wearing an upper-body cast]
Tim: Been there. [answers cell phone] Hello? Hey, Bud. Where the heck have you been? I've been trying to get a hold of you for three days. What's going on at work? Binford's... They're insane... Hold on. Did you just call me a chicken nugget? What? Hold on. [stands up] I can't...Wait a minute. Bud, hold on. I can't... Bud? [knocks over a woman with a broken arm] Yeah. Where are you? Bud? Bud? [bumps into a guy on crutches] Hold on. Bud, come on. I can't... [knocks into the man helping the guy in the wheelchair] Sorry. [sits down] I lost him! I think he's at the Big Boy on Woodward. Maybe you should tail him.
Jill: Tail him?
Tim: Yeah. He'd expect me.
Jill: Just once I'd like to be inside that head of yours.
Tim: You wouldn't last five minutes.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Look, I don't think that Brad should risk his health like this.
Tim: It's not his health. Listen to this. Listen, listen, listen. Only 15 percent of his knees are at risk. He's only gonna play 85 percent of the time. So, you times that and you get... Five... Hold on a second... Fifteen times...
Brad: Dad...
Tim: Hold it. Just carry the five...
Brad: Dad, Dad... Wait a second! Dad, forget the math, all right? The decision's been made.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: What are you making over there? It smells so good.
Wilson: This is my hearty beef stew.
Jill: You must have quite a crowd.
Wilson: No, no. No, no. No, just me. See, I cook it up in bulk. That way I have lunch for the next five years.
Jill: Don't you get bored?
Wilson: No, not at all. See, every three years I add crackers.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: So, what did the doctor say about Brad's knee?
Jill: He said it's 85 percent healed. There's a chance he'll hurt it again.
Wilson: Oh. So, I take it he's not gonna play?
Jill: He wants to. Tim wants him to. I'm just worried about serious damage. Do you think I'm being over-protective? Am I crazy?
Wilson: Well, no, you're not crazy to worry about Brad's health, but, to an athlete, sports are a microcosm of life, a battle of wills, a test of strength and character. Proving yourself as a man. Go, Conquistadores! See, I was co-captain of my high school chess team.
Jill: Not too many people get hurt playing chess.
Wilson: Well, that's not necessarily true. See, I dozed off once waiting for my opponent's next move, and the next thing I knew, I was impaled by a queen.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: And your point would be what?
Wilson: Just that I understand why a young man like Brad would take a risk for a sport that he loves.
Jill: Well, so do I. But you know, what I'm worried about is I just don't feel like he's listening to his body. I didn't listen to my body for two years, and I ended up having to have a hysterectomy. I lost my uterus, the ovaries, the whole nine yards.
Wilson: Oh, that reminds me, I got to add onions.

Quote from Tim

Steve: Well, I could probably spare a few more minutes.
Tim: Okay, great! I'll hang with you. I got a bunch of jokes. Two pretzels were walking down the street. One was a salted.

Quote from Tim

Tim: So, this guy walks into a bar. He hears a voice that says, "You're very handsome today." The guy turns to the bartender and says, "Who said that?" The bartender says, "The peanuts. They're complimentary." I got a million of these. Oh, oh, oh. A priest, a minister and a rabbi. They're playing Twister. Oy vey!

Quote from Al

Al: Now we're gonna continue with our week-long salute...
Tim: Stop for a minute. You know, folks, I've been doing this show for 10 years now. And Binford shows their appreciation by taking away all my tools and making me dress like a banana? You know, I'm as much a company man as the next guy, but eventually a Tool Man's got to do what a Tool Man's got to do. And I'm getting out of this stupid thing. [removes overalls]
Heidi: Yeah. Me, too. [removes overalls]
Tim: Thanks, Heidi. Al, you with us?
Al: Uh... I don't think so, Tim.
Tim: Come on, Al. This is about integrity, man.
Al: No, I'd really... I'd rather not.
Tim: Come on.
Al: I'd... No...
Tim: It's about unity, Al.
Al: I... I... No!
[When Tim rips Al's overalls off, he is wearing only a flannel dickey and a pair of boxers]

Quote from Tim

Al: It's not like Tim to be late. We go on in a couple of minutes.
Heidi: He said he was going out for an hour. He should be back by now. [Al groans] God!
Al: Well, maybe something happened.
Tim: Hey, what a day! My dream lunch. Two for one on pierogies from Stan's.
Al: Tim, you had us worried sick! I thought you were dead in a ditch!
Tim: Al? Pierogi?
Al: You betcha!
Heidi: Me, too.
Tim: You guys hurry up. We got a show to do.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, you may not want to do the show once you find out what Binford did.
Tim: "To whom it may concern, only Binford tools are to be used on Tool Time effective immediately." So what? They always send me this memo. One more and my whole door is covered.
Al: Well, this time our CEO means business. While you were at lunch, Bud came in and confiscated every tool that isn't a Binford.
Tim: Ooh! Every tool we got out there is a Binford.
Al: Well, now, not every...
Tim: Don't worry about it. Let's just do the show, all right?

Quote from Jill

Jill: You're not supposed to play on your knee for another month.
Brad: Well, I guess that just changed. I'll just accelerate my rehab schedule.
Tim: Double your workouts.
Jill: No, I don't want you to rush it. I mean, there's a rehab schedule for a reason.
Tim: We'll just talk to his physical therapist, who will adjust his schedule. Or he can just work out with me.
Jill: Call the therapist.

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