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‘Knee Deep’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Knee Deep

815. Knee Deep

Aired February 2, 1999

Brad's soccer scholarship is at risk after he injures his knee while Tim films a Tool Time special in the house.

Quote from Tim

Tim: How's Brad doing?
Marge: Oh, his tests are almost done. He'll be out of Radiology in a minute.
Tim: I don't understand why I couldn't go in there with him.
Marge: Because you've had so many X-rays you glow in the dark.

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Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, Brad, you remind me of an Iban tribesman.
Brad: Yeah. I get that all the time.
Wilson: You see, the Iban live in Borneo. And they believe that evil spirits are the cause of all their misfortunes. So, every night they dance and they put on these strange wooden masks to drive the evil spirits away.
Brad: So, what does that have to do with me?
Wilson: Well, like the Iban, we'd all like to believe that outside forces are the cause of all of our problems. It gives rationality to our universe. But the truth is, sometimes accidents just happen.
Brad: So, you're saying that it's not my dad's fault that I tripped. And it was more or less bad luck?
Wilson: Yeah, I suppose so. I think the thing to do is just hope for the best and be open to exploring new paths. You know, the British author, J.M. Barrie said, "A man's life is like a diary in which he means to write one story, but ends up writing another."

Quote from Brad

Brad: Yeah, I know. But, Wilson, I mean, soccer's always been part of my life. You know, it's, like, who I am. If you go to my school, you can ask anybody. I'm Brad the soccer dude.
Wilson: But you can also be Brad the nuclear-physicist dude. Or Brad the animal-husbandry dude.
Brad: Yeah. But I don't know anything about physics. And I really don't want to know what it's like to be an animal's husband.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Say, did you guys catch Tool Time today?
Jill: Yeah. I actually did.
Tim: You watched Tool Time?
Jill: Yeah. Yeah. I was trying to avoid writing my essay.
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: I was desperate. But, yeah, I really liked Penn & Teller. They were great.
Tim: Yeah. You know, but some of the die-hard tool fans got to me after the show and said they're missing the regular, basic Tool Times, you know? Wonder if I'm alienating my fan base?
Jill: Ah. Don't worry. He'll forgive you.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I can't believe it! We're gonna have to pull up the rug and dry it out, fix the toilet.
Tim: You know, honey, as usual, you look at a broken toilet as half-empty, I look at it as half-full. This is a perfect project to get Tool Time back on track, huh?
Jill: Oh, no, no, no.
Tim: Yeah, yeah.
Jill: No Tool Times in the house. It's disruptive. You always end up breaking something else.
Tim: This broken toilet's too good an opportunity to pass up. It's like that guy that saw a spring. He said, "That's not a spring. That's a Slinky."

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Welcome to a very magical Tool Time.
Tim: That was just a cheesy video effect. On today's show, we're gonna have some real magic.
Al: That's right. Heidi is going to introduce us to two of the world's biggest prestidigitators.
Tim: Not on this show you're not.
Al: No, no. A prestidigitator is a magician.
Tim: Oh. Phew. Well, in that case, you're wondering why would you have a magician on this show? That's because I think magic is cool. In order to spice Tool Time up, we're gonna turn Tool Time into Cool Time.
Al: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Penn & Teller!

Quote from Tim

Penn: Oh, it's great to be here. I'm such a... I'm such a big fan of Tool Time.
Tim: Teller, how about you?
Penn: He doesn't talk.
Tim: An assistant who doesn't talk. I'd like to switch. I've got 20 bucks right here... Where's my wallet? [Teller holds up Tim's wallet and then his watch.]
Al: Oh, that's great! He's very good. He's... [Teller holds up a pair of flannel underpants]
Penn: That's the really tough one.
Tim: They are very good, huh?

Quote from Brad

Marty: What you working on?
Jill: Oh, I have to write this essay describing myself for the PhD application to U of M.
Brad: Well, tell them you're brilliant, insightful and a great humanitarian.
Marty: I am?
Brad: No. But they don't know that, right?

Quote from Marty

Jill: Brad, I can't screw this up. Some of us aren't soccer stars who can count on getting a scholarship.
Marty: In fact, some of us are stuck working at the zoo, hosing out the penguin house.
Jill: Well, that explains those feathers in the lint trap.
Jill: Oh, your friend Jim called, Brad.
Brad: Oh, yeah. He must be calling about that party he's having Saturday night. The ladies are gonna be rolling through there. Saturday night's all right for Brad.
Marty: Actually, Saturday night's kind of big for me, too. Chilly Millie's eggs are gonna hatch.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Okay, now we're gonna show you how to deal with any water damage that may have occurred.
Tim: In this case, it also damaged some of the carpet pad.
Al: And the drywall in the ceiling. We're gonna show you how to replace both.
Tim: That's right. What could be a better hands-on Tool Time than that? I started this show, what? Nine years ago with just a dream and my hammer. And the best assistant that minimum wage could buy.

Quote from Tim

Al: It's an emergency! Emergency! Don't panic... Quick! Get a doc! Doctor, emergency! It's a good thing Binford has a paramedic standing by, you know? Right here. Right this way. This way.
Heidi: He fell down the stairs.
[The two paramedics start assessing Tim]
Tim: You might want to look at the guy that's at the bottom of the stairs.

Quote from Tim

Marge: Okay, Brad. Dr. Brown is gonna come by and give you your X-ray results.
Tim: Okay, now, use some of your weight. Ready, one, two, three, go.
[As Tim and Marge lift Brad up on to the bed, Tim slams Brad's back down against the bed]
Marge: Okay, Brad, if your dad tries to touch anything else, just hit him with this. [hands Brad a reflex hammer]
Brad: Will do.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, Dr. Brown.
Dr. Brown: I know. Tim Taylor. Thanks to you we have a spanking new CAT scan machine!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, you know, as soon as it heals, it'll be as good as new, right? It will be as good as new, right?
Dr. Brown: Well, it's hard to say. Here. Let me show you. The meniscus, which is right here, is a cartilage disk which acts like a shock absorber for the knee joint.
Tim: I see. It's like going over potholes without your suspension.
Dr. Brown: Yes, Mr. Taylor, it's just like that. Um... There's no way to assess the full extent of the damage until we get inside.

Quote from Tim

Brad: This is a total nightmare. I mean, with a blown knee, I might never play soccer again. This could ruin my entire scholarship.
Jill: Now, you don't know that.
Tim: No. And if that was eventually the case, we could still pay for your college. And you'd be able to park closer to the school then.

Quote from Jill

Jill: You don't even know if you're gonna have surgery.
Brad: Yeah, or my career could be over.
Tim: Let's not talk like that.
Jill: No. Wait. Sometimes it's helpful to play out the worst-case scenario.
Brad: All right. So, let's play out the worst-case scenario.
Jill: All right.
Brad: I've blown my knee, my career's over, I never get a job, I spend all my time sitting on the couch, watching TV and picking potato chips out of my cheesy mustache. Yeah, thanks! I feel great!
Jill: That works much better in my Psychology groups.

Quote from Brad

Wilson: You know, Brad, all I'm saying is, there's a whole world out there for you to explore.
Brad: So, there's gonna be a lot of opportunities for me?
Wilson: Yes, exactly. That's the spirit. Let me ask you something. Aside from soccer, have you thought about what you want to focus on in college?
Brad: Oh, yeah. I think about it all the time.
Wilson: Besides girls?
Brad: Then, no.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well, that was quite a night for you.
Tim: Yup. [carries in a cheese bust of himself] Saginaw Cheese's Car Guy of the Year for an unprecedented three years running. And I just can't seem to enjoy it.
Jill: Oh, come on, Tim. They immortalized you in Gouda.
Tim: Yeah, but with Brad so mad at me, this trophy of cheese seems almost meaningless.

Quote from Tim

Jill: So, you decided to go to the party after all?
Brad: Yeah. What smells so good?
Tim: My head.
Brad: Cool. How'd the banquet go?
Tim: It was great. Three years running, I'm the champ. The Lifetime A-cheese-ment Award, everything. I met Mrs. Cheese, the Muenster twins, everybody was there.

Quote from Brad

Tim: You sound like you're in a better mood.
Brad: Yeah. I just realized I was blaming you because I was seeking rationality in my universe.
Tim: That's some pretty heavy thinking.
Brad: Well, you know me. I'm very deep.
Jill: You been talking to Wilson?
Brad: Yeah, that, too.

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