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‘Pilot’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Pilot

101. Pilot

Aired September 17, 1991

When Jill goes for a job interview, Tim ignores her instructions not to soup up the dishwasher.

Quote from Tim

Tim: We got to take off that access panel. All right. Whoa, look at all the wires in there.
Mark: Do you know what all those wires do?
Tim: Yeah, of course. I wouldn't have taken it off if I didn't. Ground, we're looking for ground. Now, red is all... Red... Yellow, see... The sun is yellow, it heats the ground, that's how they name stuff. [sparks fly as Tim cuts a wire] Was that car running? [goes into the garage and screams; returns] Whoo! Shake it off. [Tim and Mark dance around] Ah.
Mark: Are you all right, Dad?
Tim: Yeah. I- I did that to teach you an important lesson.
Mark: What's that, Dad?
Tim: Well, when you work with electricity it's a good idea to shut it all off. Now follow me upstairs. I'll show you how to treat a severe electrical burn.

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Quote from Tim

Tim: There you go. Hear that snap? That means it's on. Tool tip, tool belt fashion tip from ol' Tim: Hike it up so you avoid that unsightly butt crack, cos who wants to see that? Boy, there's nothing like the feeling of rawhide and cold steel hanging on your hips. My wife says when I put this bad boy on, I turn into a wild, hairy, disgusting ape. [grunts] You know what? I don't think women understand the feeling of rawhide and steel, vice-gripping, monkey-plier, dado head, cut-flat, jig minor, jig box, hot goo... [grunts] Busy day, today. Al and I are gonna rough-in that house. Finish hanging that garage door. But first, we're gonna install a twin-cylinder deadbolt security lock in this door. Morning, Al.
Al: Morning, Tim.
Tim: Always follow your instructions. Always makes jobs a bit easier. We've already laid out with the template included in the kit where we're putting our holes. Used my awl here to set my drill. All right, Al, let's have the drill, please. Ooh, look at that butt crack you got going there. I think we ought to start today by spackling Al's butt crack shut, huh? With the new Patch-and-Paint butt-crack filler putty. [drill whirs] Hey, I smell voltage. I think it's time to drill.
Al: Yeah, right, Tim. And we'll be using the one-and-a-half-inch auger bit.
Tim: Come on, Al. That's a girl drill. We need a man drill, don't we?
Al: But Tim, this is the proper tool.
Tim: Yeah. I bet it is, Al. You know, men, when we want a job done right and we want it done quick, what do we need?
Audience: More power.
Tim: Darn right, more power. Thank you, Lisa. Now, there is raw power. This is the Binford series heavy-duty, variable-speed drill. Double reduction spur gearing, 1400 RPM, 6.8 amps. [grunts] But you won't even be halfway through your aug before you hear this. [high-pitched voice] Honey, shut that thing off. It's making too much noise. [inquisitive grunt] Always ignore that first plea. Just makes her yell a little louder. Here she comes down the hall. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Hey, shut that thing off. Do you have mud in your ears, you big baboon?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Who's that supposed to be?
Tim: Hey.
Jill: Is that supposed to be me?
Tim: No, that's not you.
Jill: Oh, what a relief. Then who is it?
Tim: It's, uh, every wife.
Jill: Yeah, yeah. Well, you know. I happen to be a wife.
Tim: Every wife but you.

Quote from Jill

Tim: You never told me about a job interview.
Jill: Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night.
Tim: No. I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was, "No!"
Jill: You're thinking of tonight.
Tim: [mock laughter] You split my sides. You really do. Is that my liver? Look in there. Look at that.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Don't touch the dishwasher. [walks away]
Tim: [mimicking] Don't touch the dishwasher. [Jill walks up behind Tim] I'll show her. Boy, I'll strap that old 427 side arm V-8 on that son-of-a-B. Dual quads, Headman headers, V-Cam, 700 horse blowing everything off every dish in there. Including that little sissy flower pattern.
Jill: I heard that.
Tim: Hey! This is my house, that is my dishwasher, and I will rewire it if I want to.
Jill: No. You will not rewire it and screw it up like you did the blender. End of discussion.
Tim: What is your problem with the blender? It's the only blender on the block that can purėe a brick.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: This is about you. The reason you're having problems with your wife is because you don't know who you are as a man.
Tim: I don't have a problem in that area, Wilson.
Wilson: Not what I mean, Tim. A lot of men feel lost, confused. You see, Tim, the industrial revolution took the adult male out of the home. Boys were left without an older man to teach them how to be men. We need to get back to something more primitive, atavistic.
Tim: [grunts] Atavistic. How do you spell that?
Wilson: Let's just say "primitive".
Tim: All right.
Wilson: Men need to spend more time around the campfire with their elders. Like in ancient days, seeking wisdom. Telling stories, sharing...
Tim: Would these men all have to be naked?
Wilson: No, no. No, that's optional. You see, Tim, it's time for men to reclaim the male spirit.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah. I'm gonna start by reclaiming that dishwasher. Mark, get your brothers. We're off to Sears. [imitates horn blowing]

Quote from Tim

Jill: [gasps] What the hell is that?
Tim: That is the power source to your new dishwasher.
Jill: Take it out.
Tim: No, no, no.
Jill: No, take it out now.
Tim: No, you don't like the fact that I improved the dishwasher. Remember that yolk that wouldn't come off the plate this morning? Watch this. [Tim puts the plate in the dishwasher and turns it on] Hear that hum? Oh, that's a Finley two-stage. Five-horse Blastmaster compressor. Air-delivery system is 18 cubic feet per minute. That should say "testosterone" right on there, cos that... that is a man's dishwasher. [the dishwasher explodes] Hey, Mark, you didn't tighten that hex bolt like I asked you to.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Jill didn't get the job she wants. I tell her not to feel bad, she gets angry.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Tim: All right, so then I tell her what she should do, she jumps all over me and then walks away.
Wilson: Sounds like you were having an asymmetrical conversation.
Tim: Asymmetrical. How do you spell that?
Wilson: Let's just say "one-sided". You see, Tim, by nature men are problem solvers but Jill didn't want you to solve her problem.
Tim: She didn't?
Wilson: No, no, no. She just wanted you to listen while she shared her feelings.
Tim: Just stand there and listen? Wouldn't that be like not doing anything?
Wilson: Sometimes the best thing you can do, Tim, is nothing.
Tim: Jill got mad at me because I didn't listen to her.
Wilson: No. I think she got mad at you 'cause you blew up the damn dishwasher.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I gotta be there in an hour and you gotta stay here with these kids.
Tim: Fine. I'll be back in 20 minutes.
Jill: 20 minutes? Who are you kidding? You'll be down there, drooling, fondling all the tools, your eyes bugging out. You don't even look at me like that.
Tim: I would if you were two speeds and reversible.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Sweetheart, what you gotta do...
Jill: Oh, this is great. Now I gotta take advice from a guy who prances around a TV studio grunting like a baboon.
Tim: What does that have to do with...?
Jill: While Miss Binford Tool girl flashes her big headlights.
Tim: Lisa?
Jill: No, Al.
Tim: What does Lisa have to do with this? She didn't take your job. She's got a job. [Jill walks off] What? [sparks fly]

Quote from Tim

Tim: People often ask me, they say: "Tim, why is your show so darn popular?" I tell you what I think. I think that working with your hands puts you in touch with something primitive, almost atavistic. It's almost like reclaiming the male spirit, if you will. I think you know where I'm headed with this one. I'm talking about a masculinism. A flat-out, big-pectoral, look-at-my-deltoids, hairy-chested celebration of men. [grunts] But this wouldn't be anti-female. No, no, it's wrong to think that. Just like this sander vibrates in harmony with the grain of the wood, we men should learn how to vibrate in harmony with our wives. So, if ya... if you have an occasion, have a disagreement with your wife, you should be man enough to not be asymmetrical. Because that would be one-sided. But you should be man enough to look at her and say, "I'm sorry, Jill..." Or Betty or Ruth or whatever her name would be. Anyway, let's finish sanding that table.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Wilson that's the best part about being a boy, is collecting all that useless junk.
Wilson: I wouldn't call it "useless", Tim. The ancient Malaysians used the turtle shell as an aphrodisiac.
Tim: Turtle shell? Wouldn't that hurt putting it on?

Quote from Jill

Electrician: [to Jill] This Handsaver Lady Sott Touch is one of our most popular models.
[Tim walks up to to the back door wearing only a tool belt and his boots]
Tim: [knocks] Hey, let me in!
Electrician: Hey, lady, there's a crazy man in your back yard. Wait a minute. Isn't that the guy with the tool show on TV?
Tim: Hey. Let me in. [the electrician waves at Tim] Stop waving at me. Her. Get her.
Electrician: What's he doing now?
Jill: I think he's tying to reclaim his male spirit.

Quote from Tim

Mark: [o.s.] Help.
Jill: Tim, would you go see who's killing who out there?
Tim: I can only imagine. Randy, what are you doing to your younger brother?
Randy: [o.s.] I'm just hanging him from the junglegym.
Mark: Help.
Tim: Don't do that.
Randy: He likes it.
Tim: Randy, you let go of that rope or I'm gonna hot-glue your little head to the garage door.

Quote from Jill

Tim: You won't even know I'm gone.
Jill: Tim, walk out that door and this goes in the trash compactor.
Tim: Whoa. That's my Binford power tape with positive toggle lock.
Jill: Kiss it goodbye.
Tim: Don't turn that on.
Jill: Are you staying?
Tim: Yes. God, you're mean to me. [opens the trash compactor] Aw, there's food boogers all over it.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Honey, don't put that in the dishwasher. You have to rinse it off first.
Tim: I gotta wash the dish before I put it in the dishwasher?
Jill: Yeah. That spray's not strong enough for egg yolk.
Tim: It would be if we had a man's dishwasher... but, no, you insisted on the Lady Soft Touch decor series. Little tiny buttons that no man can...
Jill: I am so sorry. The grunting-hairy-ape model was sold out. [grunts]
Tim: [grunts]
Jill: Just rinse the dish.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You know, honey, I could fix the spray on this dishwasher.
Jill: No, Tim. It's not broken.
Tim: I know. It just needs more power.
Jill: Every time you fix something the fire department shows up.
Tim: This would be different because I got this...
Jill: No, no, no. I am not gonna let you ruin a perfectly good dishwasher just so you can get out your tools and play.
Tim: Six horse...
Jill: No.
Tim: One...
Jill: No. No.
Tim: Play? I host my own home improvement show.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right. We gotta get this done before your mom gets home, OK? Take a look at this bad boy. That's a Finley two-stage, five-horse Blastmaster compressor. All tubing inside is stainless steel...
Randy: Dad, why are we doing this?
Tim: Randy, it's a house full of men. We're reclaiming the male spirit. Huh?
Brad: By working on a dishwasher?
Tim: It's either that or sitting around a campfire telling stories naked. [Brad and Randy run off] Hey, hey, hey. Where you guys going? I'm kidding around.
Tim: It's just you and me, Mark. Unless you got something else to do.
Mark: No, I want to be with you.
Tim: Great. [Mark takes off his shirt] What are you doing?
Mark: Getting naked.
Tim: You don't have to get all the way naked. All right, this is bare-chested men's work. Come over here.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, I think you're ready for your new Hank the Handyman tool belt. [Mark grunts] All right. Let's take a look at it. Little baby butt crack. All right, the number one rule in home repair is safety. We're gonna rewire a major appliance, we gotta cut the electricity off. All right? Come on out here. There.
That is the fuse box. The electrical nerve center of our house.
Mark: Wow.
Tim: You're darn right, wow. But now, we don't have to cut off all the electricity. Just the section of the house we're working on. That'd be the kitchen, up there... Kitchen... [chuckles] Boy, I shouldn't have labeled those in pencil, should I? They're all faded and everything. Look it... Well, kitchen's K... That's kitchen. There we go. All right, Hank the Handyman. Come on. Let's go.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Look at this neat turtle shell. I found it down at the creek.
Tim: You didn't yank the turtle out of there, did you?
Randy: No.
Tim: If I go down to that creek and find some confused turtle swimming without a shell...
Randy: Dad, I'm gonna go make it into a drum.

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