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Home Improvement: Pilot

101. Pilot

Aired September 17, 1991

When Jill goes for a job interview, Tim ignores her instructions not to soup up the dishwasher.

Quote from Tim

Tim: We got to take off that access panel. All right. Whoa, look at all the wires in there.
Mark: Do you know what all those wires do?
Tim: Yeah, of course. I wouldn't have taken it off if I didn't. Ground, we're looking for ground. Now, red is all... Red... Yellow, see... The sun is yellow, it heats the ground, that's how they name stuff. [sparks fly as Tim cuts a wire] Was that car running? [goes into the garage and screams; returns] Whoo! Shake it off. [Tim and Mark dance around] Ah.
Mark: Are you all right, Dad?
Tim: Yeah. I- I did that to teach you an important lesson.
Mark: What's that, Dad?
Tim: Well, when you work with electricity it's a good idea to shut it all off. Now follow me upstairs. I'll show you how to treat a severe electrical burn.

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Quote from Tim

Tim: There you go. Hear that snap? That means it's on. Tool tip, tool belt fashion tip from ol' Tim: Hike it up so you avoid that unsightly butt crack, cos who wants to see that? Boy, there's nothing like the feeling of rawhide and cold steel hanging on your hips. My wife says when I put this bad boy on, I turn into a wild, hairy, disgusting ape. [grunts] You know what? I don't think women understand the feeling of rawhide and steel, vice-gripping, monkey-plier, dado head, cut-flat, jig minor, jig box, hot goo... [grunts] Busy day, today. Al and I are gonna rough-in that house. Finish hanging that garage door. But first, we're gonna install a twin-cylinder deadbolt security lock in this door. Morning, Al.
Al: Morning, Tim.
Tim: Always follow your instructions. Always makes jobs a bit easier. We've already laid out with the template included in the kit where we're putting our holes. Used my awl here to set my drill. All right, Al, let's have the drill, please. Ooh, look at that butt crack you got going there. I think we ought to start today by spackling Al's butt crack shut, huh? With the new Patch-and-Paint butt-crack filler putty. [drill whirs] Hey, I smell voltage. I think it's time to drill.
Al: Yeah, right, Tim. And we'll be using the one-and-a-half-inch auger bit.
Tim: Come on, Al. That's a girl drill. We need a man drill, don't we?
Al: But Tim, this is the proper tool.
Tim: Yeah. I bet it is, Al. You know, men, when we want a job done right and we want it done quick, what do we need?
Audience: More power.
Tim: Darn right, more power. Thank you, Lisa. Now, there is raw power. This is the Binford series heavy-duty, variable-speed drill. Double reduction spur gearing, 1400 RPM, 6.8 amps. [grunts] But you won't even be halfway through your aug before you hear this. [high-pitched voice] Honey, shut that thing off. It's making too much noise. [inquisitive grunt] Always ignore that first plea. Just makes her yell a little louder. Here she comes down the hall. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Hey, shut that thing off. Do you have mud in your ears, you big baboon?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Who's that supposed to be?
Tim: Hey.
Jill: Is that supposed to be me?
Tim: No, that's not you.
Jill: Oh, what a relief. Then who is it?
Tim: It's, uh, every wife.
Jill: Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, I happen to be a wife.
Tim: Every wife but you.

Quote from Jill

Tim: You never told me about a job interview.
Jill: Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night.
Tim: No. I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was, "No!"
Jill: You're thinking of tonight.
Tim: [mock laughter] You split my sides. You really do. Is that my liver? Look in there. Look at that.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Don't touch the dishwasher. [walks away]
Tim: [mimicking] Don't touch the dishwasher. [Jill walks up behind Tim] I'll show her. Boy, I'll strap that old 427 side arm V-8 on that son-of-a-B. Dual quads, Headman headers, V-Cam, 700 horse blowing everything off every dish in there. Including that little sissy flower pattern.
Jill: I heard that.
Tim: Hey! This is my house, that is my dishwasher, and I will rewire it if I want to.
Jill: No. You will not rewire it and screw it up like you did the blender. End of discussion.
Tim: What is your problem with the blender? It's the only blender on the block that can purėe a brick.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: This is about you. The reason you're having problems with your wife is because you don't know who you are as a man.
Tim: I don't have a problem in that area, Wilson.
Wilson: Not what I mean, Tim. A lot of men feel lost, confused. You see, Tim, the industrial revolution took the adult male out of the home. Boys were left without an older man to teach them how to be men. We need to get back to something more primitive, atavistic.
Tim: [grunts] Atavistic. How do you spell that?
Wilson: Let's just say "primitive".
Tim: All right.
Wilson: Men need to spend more time around the campfire with their elders. Like in ancient days, seeking wisdom. Telling stories, sharing...
Tim: Would these men all have to be naked?
Wilson: No, no. No, that's optional. You see, Tim, it's time for men to reclaim the male spirit.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah. I'm gonna start by reclaiming that dishwasher. Mark, get your brothers. We're off to Sears. [imitates horn blowing]

Quote from Tim

Jill: [gasps] What the hell is that?
Tim: That is the power source to your new dishwasher.
Jill: Take it out.
Tim: No, no, no.
Jill: No, take it out now.
Tim: No, you don't like the fact that I improved the dishwasher. Remember that yolk that wouldn't come off the plate this morning? Watch this. [Tim puts the plate in the dishwasher and turns it on] Hear that hum? Oh, that's a Finley two-stage. Five-horse Blastmaster compressor. Air-delivery system is 18 cubic feet per minute. That should say "testosterone" right on there, cos that... that is a man's dishwasher. [the dishwasher explodes] Hey, Mark, you didn't tighten that hex bolt like I asked you to.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Jill didn't get the job she wants. I tell her not to feel bad, she gets angry.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Tim: All right, so then I tell her what she should do, she jumps all over me and then walks away.
Wilson: Sounds like you were having an asymmetrical conversation.
Tim: Asymmetrical. How do you spell that?
Wilson: Let's just say "one-sided". You see, Tim, by nature men are problem solvers but Jill didn't want you to solve her problem.
Tim: She didn't?
Wilson: No, no, no. She just wanted you to listen while she shared her feelings.
Tim: Just stand there and listen? Wouldn't that be like not doing anything?
Wilson: Sometimes the best thing you can do, Tim, is nothing.
Tim: Jill got mad at me because I didn't listen to her.
Wilson: No. I think she got mad at you 'cause you blew up the damn dishwasher.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I gotta be there in an hour and you gotta stay here with these kids.
Tim: Fine. I'll be back in 20 minutes.
Jill: 20 minutes? Who are you kidding? You'll be down there, drooling, fondling all the tools, your eyes bugging out. You don't even look at me like that.
Tim: I would if you were two speeds and reversible.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Sweetheart, what you gotta do...
Jill: Oh, this is great. Now I gotta take advice from a guy who prances around a TV studio grunting like a baboon.
Tim: What does that have to do with...?
Jill: While Miss Binford Tool girl flashes her big headlights.
Tim: Lisa?
Jill: No, Al.
Tim: What does Lisa have to do with this? She didn't take your job. She's got a job. [Jill walks off] What? [sparks fly]

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