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‘'Twas the Blight Before Christmas’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: 'Twas the Blight Before Christmas

312. 'Twas the Blight Before Christmas

Aired December 15, 1993

Brad wants his parents to let him going skiing with his friends rather than spend Christmas with his family. Meanwhile, Tim once again gets caught up in a contest with Doc Johnson, and Mark sings in the church choir.

Quote from Jill

Brad: But, Mom, I don't wanna go another time. It's gonna be great skiing conditions. A lot of kids from school are gonna be there.
Jill: Honey, I can tell this is important to you, but this family is always together at Christmas. Even that year when your father fell down the chimney, we were together. We were in the emergency room, but we were together.

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Quote from Tim

Brad: Dad, it's just one Christmas. I mean, it's not that big a deal.
Tim: Well, it is to your mom and to me and to me. I can't believe you'd be this selfish. Listen to me. Um... In a couple years, you'll be 18. You'll be off to college... or a good trade school. And we won't see you.
Brad: But, Dad, I'll come home.
Tim: Yeah, you'll come home a couple Christmases, but then you'll get married, and I'll never see you. I mean, look at your Mom and me. Your mom's family lives in Texas, mine's in Colorado. We never see our families for holidays. You just don't know how many Christmases we have together, right? I won't be around forever.
Brad: What do you mean?
Tim: Face the facts. You've seen the stunts I pull on Tool Time. I can't keep dodging the bullet.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Gee! I don't know, Tim. There's an awful lot of lights here. We'll have to take out a mortgage to pay the electric bill.
Brad: All right, Dad. Let her rip.
Jill: No, wait a minute. I think we should say a prayer first. Please, Lord, don't let our house blow up. Amen.
Tim: Amen.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: You a little confused on the holidays?
Wilson: Hmm?
Tim: Halloween's over. You can put away the witch's broom.
Wilson: Oh, Tim, this is not a witch's broom. This is a julenek.
Tim: A what-a-nek?
Wilson: A julenek. It's a Scandinavian Christmas tradition. Families bind sheaves of grain to a long spruce pole, and that provides nourishment for the sparrows in the winter.
Tim: I wish I could bind up Doc Johnson and twist his little julenek.
Wilson: Well, Tim, that's hardly the Christmas spirit.

Quote from Tim

Tim: How does that guy keep beating me to the punch?
Wilson: Well, maybe the good doctor's got ESP.
Tim: Now, what does having a cable sports channel have to do with this?
Wilson: No, I'm talking about extrasensory perception. The ability to read someone else's mind.
Tim: Really?
Wilson: Mm-hmm.
Tim: Maybe he should try reading this.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant - Al "Thinks He's Getting A Christmas Bonus" Borland. Well, as you all can see, it's yule time on Tool Time. Before we get into our project today, we have a special feature for you.
Al: That's right, Tim. Binford stocking stuffers. There's nothing that says "Peace on Earth" better than a Binford power tool.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah. Doesn't Al just jingle your bell sometimes? Heidi, the stocking stuffers, please. ["Deck the Halls" instrumental plays]
Heidi: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. Now, stocking stuffers usually... [music continues] generally have... Ooh, boy. Klaus! Whoo-hoo! Thank you. Stocking stuffers sometimes are difficult to pick out for men. But Binford has made it easy this year with stuff like this. The new Binford mini propane torch. Huh? Stand back. Stand back. It's small, but portable enough you can fit it in a pocket. Whoa! Wouldn't put it in there, though. You can remove facial hair with it. You can do a little soldering on the house, melt glass tubing, or if your wife's out, melt her earrings down and make handy fishing lures out of them.
Al: Also, we have the Binford 6100 digital torque wrench.
Tim: It'll be the torque of the town this Christmas. Ho-ho-ho.
Al: That's right. They'll also be torquing about... [chuckles] the new Binford fiberoptic flexible flashlight.
Tim: Now, as odd as it seems, this is actually a great gift for guys. This thing can find auto parts strewn around the garage, look in dirty pipes or any dark, dusty area you have. [Al shines it in Tim's ear]
Al: In one ear, out the other.
Tim: Just like your job, Al. In one day, out the other. Now, finally, for the man without a vice, a vise. The Binford Bench Buddy 2000. It's got a swiveling base, serrated steel jaws and a clamping capacity of seven and one-half inches. [grunts "Jingle Bells"]
Al: Well, actually, Tim, the... The bench vise is too big to be a stocking stuffer.
Tim: Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, are you ever right. If you want to stuff that into a stocking, you need a special stocking, like this one. Like one of Al's mom's thermal hunting socks. Don't let her in here. [lights dim; loud thudding] It's your mom, Al.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Jill, what would you say if I told you that Doc Johnson has dancing elves up on his roof?
Jill: I'd say he'd better get those elf traps out right away.
Tim: I'm talking about the neighborhood decorating contest. I hate to say it, but I think I might lose.
Jill: You've lost nine years in a row. I'd think you'd be used to it by now.
Tim: This year, I had a really good feeling about winning. It's the oddest thing. Every decoration I put up, Doc Johnson's put up before me.
Jill: Ah, it's just a coincidence.
Tim: Coincidence? I went to put a plastic Santa up there today... and guess what old Doc Johnson's got up on his roof.
Jill: Chimney?
Tim: A plastic Santa.
Jill: Gosh, I wonder what made him think of using a Santa Claus as a decoration at Christmas.
Tim: [groans] I'll tell you what else he's got up there. My seven swans a-swimming and my six geese a-laying.
Jill: [sings] And a tool man in a nut tree.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Guys, guess what. Tom Wheeler's family invited me to go skiing at Boyd Mountain.
Tim: All right! Boyd Mountain! I love it up there. Tobogganing, skiing, fractures, sprains, broken bones, laying at the bottom of the hill in a stretcher... [grunts] Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
Jill: When are you going?
Brad: Well, that's kinda what I need to talk to you about.
Tim: Well, it better not be this weekend. We're running a Tool Time marathon. 40 straight hours of Tim and Al high jinks.
Jill: It's also Christmas.
Tim: It's also Christmas.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Reverend, the lights look a little dim on the tree. I could boost the power, get some lights for the service.
Reverend: No. No, thank you, Tim. I don't think tonight is the night to test our new sprinkler system.

Quote from Tim

Al: Merry Christmas.
Jill: Here, scooch over. I'll make room.
Al: Oh, don't crowd. I'll just take a pew behind you.
Tim: Most people use the bathroom, Al.

Quote from Al

Al: Well, where's Bradley?
Jill: He's spending Christmas Eve alone in his room sulking.
Tim: It's his way of rebelling.
Al: Oh, yeah, well... I remember my first Christmas rebellion. I was so mad. My parents went out and bought an artificial tree. The whole Christmas I refused to sing "O Tannenbaum."
Tim: Oh, my. You were a bad, bad Borland. [Al hangs his head in shame] [to Jill:] You all right?
Al: Yeah, I'm OK. It was a long time ago.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Your mom and I specifically said you don't go skiing, and you were gonna disobey us.
Brad: I wasn't disobeying you. You said I couldn't go with the Wheelers, and I'm not.
Tim: Well, how are you gonna get there?
Brad: Hitchhike.
Tim: Hitchhike? Sit down over here.
Brad: Dad, all I wanted to do was be with my friends. A lot of people I like are gonna be down there.
Tim: Christmas is not about being with people you like! It's about being with your family.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, honey. I'm so glad you came.
Brad: If you're so glad, how come you're crying?
Jill: I get a little emotional around the holidays. I see I'm not the only one.
Tim: Oh, no. This isn't emotion. It's Al. He's not wearing any deodorant.
Reverend: [handing out candles] I don't think so, Tim.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Oh, oh, oh, Tim, that is a lovely use of neon. Reminds me of the Christmas I spent in Las Vegas.
Tim: You really like it, Wilson?
Wilson: Oh, I think you've reached the apex of your Christmas decorating career.
Tim: I hope I can convince those stupid judges of that.
Wilson: Well, there's only one judge this year.
Tim: Just one?
Wilson: Mm-hmm. And it's me.
Tim: Did I say stupid? I meant stupendous. [Wilson laughs] Well, if you're the judge, we've kinda got a leg up on the competition.
Wilson: Well, I don't know. Doc Johnson's display is very effective. Plus, I used to be a patient of his.
Tim: Huh?

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Brad, you put Blitzen's light in Rudolf's nose.
Jill: Oh, Tim, does one bulb make that big a difference?
Tim: Yes. I'm a perfectionist. Wilson, hold off the judging till I get this finished.
Jill: Be careful up there. It's slippery.
Tim: Don't worry, honey.
Jill: Yeah, I've heard that before.
Brad: Hey, Dad, be careful if the light bulb is wet.
Tim: It'll be fine. [electrical crackle]
Wilson: Well, good golly, Taylors, I think you won the contest. I did not realize there was a full-size electric Tim on the roof.

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