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‘Family Unties’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Family Unties

622. Family Unties

Aired April 29, 1997

When the family travels to Cleveland for a tool show, Jill is upset when the boys don't want to spend time with her.

Quote from Tim

Tim: There's something very weird going on here. You spend your whole life raising kids. Just when they get to the age where they're kind of cool to hang around, they ditch you.
Jill: Which is what we want.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Jill: Well, we want them to be more independent. I mean, you're the one who said that it was natural for them to pull away from us.
Tim: No, no, no, no. What I said was it's natural for them to pull away from you.
Jill: Now, we just gotta hope that they come back.
Tim: They'll come back... for money.

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Quote from Tim

Wilson: Oh, Jill, while you're at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, make sure and look at the exhibit on my old friends The Beatles.
Jill: No. Like you really knew the Beatles?
Wilson: Mm-hmm.
Tim: Big deal. I knew Black & Decker.
Jill: Was Paul really that cute in person?
Wilson: Cuter.
Tim: You want to know cute? I'll introduce you to Sherwin Williams.

Quote from Tim

Jill: What's that?
Tim: Toilet brush.
Jill: No, that.
Tim: Oh. Sample pool skimmer.
Jill: We don't have a pool to skim.
Tim: I'm hoping it will work on your gravy.

Quote from Al

Al: Tim! Guess what? The forklifts are right next to the plate glass window display. Just think of the possibilities there.
Tim: You guys do this segment if you want, I got a little errand to do. I'll be back in a little bit.
Heidi: Well, Al, feel like breaking some glass?
Al: [sighs] It's just not the same without Tim.

Quote from Jill

Tim: It seems like just yesterday that all they wanted to do was be around us.
Jill: It's going way too fast. You know, every year... l fill the attic with boxes of clothes they've outgrown that I just... can't bear to give away. It just breaks my heart.
Tim: Remember that cowboy outfit of Mark's?
Jill: Yeah. I used to have to sneak into his room at night and pry it off him so I could wash it. Do you remember those little racecar jammies of Randy's?
Tim: Remember? I looked for one in my size.
Jill: I recently found Brad's Cub Scout uniform up there. Did you know he got more merit badges than any of the other kids?
Tim: Sure he did. It didn't hurt that I was his pack leader.
Jill: You were great. On those camping trips, that was one place your fire-starting skills came in handy.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I just don't want this to be like my relationship with my parents, you know? Because I've worked so hard to be close to them.
Tim: Oh, cut it out. You're closer than any mom I know to your sons. They talk to you. Randy even talks about his girl problems with you, honey.
Jill: Yeah, he does. He does that. Brad even asks for my advice on clothes.
Tim: Mark hugs you.
Jill: Yeah. Aw, I guess they still like me some.
Tim: Oh, sure they do. You know, there's a... there's a benefit to them not being around all the time.
Jill: What?
Tim: I'll lock the door. You bring my nuts.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Oh. Well, I remember spending quality time with my mother. We would bake cookies, and then we would astral project ourselves to an alternate universe.
Jill: Well, we're just driving to Cleveland.
Wilson: Also fun.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, guys, I just put octane boost in the Nomad. Which means the car might arrive in Cleveland before we do.
Wilson: You know, Tim, I've got that extra suitcase you wanted for the show.
Tim: Outstanding.
Jill: Tim, that is six suitcases you're taking. Do you really need to bring home every single sample from the hardware show? [off Tim's look] Of course you do.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well, boys, here we are in Cleveland. What do you want to do first?
Brad: I gotta go pee.
Mark: Me, too!
Jill: Tim, I know you were excited, but we could've made one rest stop.
Tim: You know the rule, don't you? No rest stops unless we change time zones.
Jill: Ten minutes more into this trip, we would've been changing more than time zones.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Come on, guys, I've got so many fun things planned for today. We've got the zoo, and Jacobs Field, and the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame, and... [one of the boys throws a pillow at Jill from the bedroom] And as punishment for that, The Doll House and Thimble Museum.
Mark: [o.s.] Mom, it's Saturday. We want to sleep.
Jill: OK, look, ten more minutes and then I'm coming in with this bucket of ice.
Randy: [o.s.] Could you bring a couple sodas with that?
[Jill throws the pillow back at them]

Quote from Tim

Tim: I need another suitcase. You wouldn't believe what the concrete and brick guys are giving out this year. [heavy thud]

Quote from Tim

Jill: I only got two days to spend with the boys, I was hoping to get an early start, but I can't get Randy and Mark out of bed.
Tim: I got a spare bug bomb. Want to smoke 'em out of there?
Jill: No. But I would like you to try to get them out of bed... a non-toxic way.
Tim: I'd like to, but I gotta get back to my fans. I got pictures to take, autographs to sign. You know, it's...
it's just not easy being me.
Jill: Try being married to you.
Tim: If only that were possible.

Quote from Tim

Al: You know, if we did a swimsuit calendar, they'd want our autograph, too.
Tim: If you did a swimsuit calendar, we'd be kicked off the air.

Quote from Tim

Al: Right now, we're at the Precision Bathroom Fixtures booth, where they're showcasing an interesting new product.
Tim: It's actually a home urinal system, believe it or not. It's called Potty Pal. Now, right away I know the value of this. But Lou, why don't you tell the audience why they should be interested in this product.
Lou: Well, Tim, it only uses ten ounces of water per visit.
Al: Ten ounces?
Lou: Yes. And it mounts flush with the wall. [laughs] [Al snorts] And as you can see, it comes in a host of fine decorator colors.
Al: Well, my favorites would have to be the Seafoam Green and the Biscuit.
Lou: And as you also can see, it opens up just like a mailbox.
Tim: You want to look out for that "return to sender" feature, though.

Quote from Al

Al: Hot things are happening here at the All Seasons Insulation booth. They're offering an interesting product called cellulose blown insulation. It's made entirely out of newspaper. This is an environmentally sound way to keep your home... comfortable. Plus, if you're ever stuck inside your wall, you'll always have something to read. [snorts] You just pick it out and... ...uh, over to you, Tim.
Tim: "Something to read!"

Quote from Tim

Tim: Right now, we're at the Frankfort Fan Company located in Frankfort, Michigan. There's nothing I like better than my fans. And just like my fans, these fans come in a variety of sizes, shapes and colors. From big, portable cooling units with six-horsepower motors, to this very innovative little combination light and fan. Light up your workshop and get rid of toxic fumes at the same time. So have that extra bowl of chili, guys. It flips on just... Whoa... uh, look at that, a handy plug, too. Plug her in...
[Tim accidentally plugs in the largest fan in the exhibit. As it whirs, newspapers are blown all over the insulation booth.]
Al: Turn it off! Tim! Turn it off! Somebody turn off the power! Turn it off! Tim! Tim! Turn off the power! Off!
[Tim struggles to get close to the fan to turn it off, so he goes over to the insulation booth with Al and the booth's owner. Tim tries to put the booth owner's wig back on his bald head.]
Tim: Um... I'm, I'm terribly sorry. I'm terribly sorry.
Man: What are you talking about? The Tool Man pulling a stunt like this in my booth is going to be great publicity! How do you think up these gags?
Tim: [drops the wig] Well, the trick is making it look like an accident.

Quote from Randy

Jill: Guys, it's only gonna be the three of us because Brad's not coming.
Randy: Uh, Mom? I got a favor to ask. You know, I ran into that kid, Kevin, the son of the toilet guy.
Jill: Oh, does he want to go to lunch with us? That's OK. He can come to the Hall of Fame, too.
Randy: Actually, he wants me to go hang out with him down at the Tower City Mall.
Jill: But you'd be missing a chance to see rare memorabilia from rock and roll legends like Jimi Hendrix. You love Jimi Hendrix.
Randy: Mom, I love his music, I don't need to see his lunch box.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Jill, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop! I know you're upset because the boys aren't with you. They just want to do other things. [Jill slaps Tim's arm] Don't take it out on me!
Jill: Mosquito!
Tim: All right, look... You got to understand, when boys grow up, there's a point in their life when they just don't want to hang around Mom.
Jill: Look, I am not just their mom. I am their friend. I'm their confidant.
Tim: And you're also a psychology student, so you should understand this is very normal behavior.
Jill: What would you know about normal?
Tim: I recognize it in other people.

Quote from Al

Tim: Al. What's on the slate now?
Al: Well, you're never gonna believe this. But we're booked solid with Tool Time remotes. Thanks to the publicity we gave the mosquito people, everybody wants us to destroy their booth! [chuckles]

Quote from Jill

Tim: Have you been here all afternoon?
Jill: No. I've been all over town. I went to the zoo, by myself, after having lunch, by myself. And then, I went to the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame.
Tim: By yourself.
Jill: No. With Roy Belasco.
Tim: Who's Roy Belasco?
Jill: My cab driver. Here's a picture of me and Roy, in front of Elvis's deep-fryer.
Tim: I know how you're feeling.
Jill: Oh, well... There's no way for you to imagine it until you're standing this far from Bob Dylan's third-grade report card. That's a "D" in Chorus, by the way.

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