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‘Reel Men’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Reel Men

315. Reel Men

Aired January 26, 1994

Al invites Tim to visit an ice-fishing shanty he is considering buying. Back home, Jill, Ilene and Marie have a girls' weekend.

Quote from Tim

Jill: What did he decide?
Tim: What did he decide? He, um... Uh... He figured that since it burned down, it wasn't a good time to buy it.
Jill: Did you burn down Marv's shanty?
Tim: What is it with you? I walk through the door, you immediately accuse me of burning it down. Why? Why? Why?
Jill: Tim...
Tim: Right to the ground. Right... Ashes.
Jill: Oh, no.
Tim: I'm sure he's got an insurance policy that covers a shanty clause in there.
Jill: Tim, there is no such thing as Shanty Clause.

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Quote from Tim

Al: I can't believe you came up here without a change of clothes.
Tim: Well, I didn't intend on falling through the ice, Al.
Al: Everybody knows that when you come on a trip like this, you have to plan for every possible contingency. And with you, every contingency is possible.
Tim: Well, this contingency is your fault.
Al: Fine. Just lucky that I brought an extra set of clothes.
Tim: Oh, yeah. Real lucky. [takes the blanket off to reveal an over-sized flannel shirt and denim jeans] What is this? "One size fits Al"?

Quote from Jill

Jill: That was such a good movie. I'm rewinding.
Ilene: I love Gigi.
Marie: Why can't life be like that? You're always in France, you drink champagne and you sing.
Jill: My life is a lot like Gigi's. Except I live in Detroit, drink diet soda and my husband grunts.

Quote from Tim

Al: And we're also proud to introduce to you this - Binford's anodized aluminum kick plate.
Tim: Kick plate? Hm. Maybe something you should install in the rear of your pants. Very often in the humid days, sometimes the door will wedge itself shut, so you end up holding groceries coming in, you start kicking it. "Honey! Honey!"
Al: Resulting in these unsightly kick marks.
Tim: Exactly. But those are a memory now because of the kick plate we've got. [kick plate twangs] Installed at the bottom of the door now, now you can kick till you're blue in the foot and it won't damage the door. Why don't you give it a shot, Al? OK. [Al gently kicks the door] Yeah, well. You can give it a kick. Let's show how much abuse it can have. Honey! Honey! Wilma! [kicks through the wood]

Quote from Tim

Tim: How many bedrooms does Marv have?
Al: No bedrooms.
Tim: How many bathrooms?
Al: No baths.
Tim: Remind me not to stand too close to Marv.
Al: It's an ice-fishing shanty.
Tim: A shanty?
Al: Yeah, you know, it's a house. Sits right there on the lake, and you can fish right through a hole in the floor.
Tim: What kind of ice you fishing for? Cubed, crushed? [laughs]

Quote from Tim

Al: Marv needs an answer by this weekend, and Ilene's gonna be at your house Saturday.
Tim: What?
Al: Yeah. Jill invited the gals over to watch musicals.
Tim: "The gals over"? Was that this weekend she did that?
Al: Yeah, yeah, and they're gonna talk about their guys. And they said something about removing unnecessary body hair.
Tim: Ugh. What time you wanna pick me up?
Al: How's 5:30 am?
Tim: You stop by at 5:30am, I'll remove your unnecessary body hair.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Ice fishing in January. We are so jealous.
Brad: Well, Dad, did you hear what the weatherman said? He said it's gonna be seven below zero.
Tim: Thank you, Mr. Thermometer.
Randy: Yeah, and that's the high.
Tim: It's not gonna be that bad. Marv's shanty is real custom. He's got insulation, a heater, bunks, shelves, the works. It's a real cool place.
Randy: You know, I'd better make room in the freezer for all the fish Dad's gonna catch. [removes a Popsicle]
That should do it.
Tim: [fake sob] You guys gotta stop teasing me. I'm starting to get real upset. I wish you'd stop it.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I don't care what you say. I'd rather be ice fishing anytime than be stuck here with women and these. Gigi. Funny Girl. [fake laugh] The King and I. Come on.
Mark: Dad, what's The King and I?
Tim: It's some film about Elvis.

Quote from Jill

Marie: Well, Ilene, I'm glad to hear that romance isn't dead. I remember when my husband was romantic. Everyday when Joe came home from the slaughterhouse, he'd bring me a heart-shaped hamburger patty.
Ilene: Really?
Jill: Tim is at his most romantic during the dollar-day sale at Sears. All I gotta do is wear a negligee and hold up a tool catalog.
Ilene: I can't imagine Al ever losing his flair for romance.
Marie: That's because you're still at the stage where he's serenading you with violins at dinner. In six months, the only serenading you're gonna hear is his burping on the way to the bathroom.
Jill: Yeah, and once inside, there's a serenade you really don't wanna hear.

Quote from Tim

Tim: The reception's terrible in here. I can't tell whether Gilligan got 'em off the island or the Pistons are about to score. Someone's driving the lane. Go, go! It's Thurston Howell. "Lovey, I just slammed the ball, Lovey. Come here and give me a big smackeroonie, Lovey."

Quote from Tim

Tim: I'm gonna speed up the process a little bit, make the hole bigger.
Al: Tim, leave the floor alone. The hole is fine. It's a standard-size hole.
Tim: Standard-schmandard. You increase the size of the hole, you double your chances of catching fish.
Al: Perch are not that big.
Tim: Look, open the hole, we might get bigger fish.
Al: I don't think you should do this, Tim.
Tim: Trust me, Al. [falls through the ice]
Al: Oh, my God! Tim! Tim! Tim! Oh, Tim! Jeez!
Tim: You know, though, once you get in there, it's kind of exhilarating.

Quote from Tim

Al: You know, Tim, I was hoping that this trip we could relax and talk on a more personal level.
Tim: How much more personal can we get? I'm wearing your underwear.
Al: What I meant was talk about our hopes, our fears... You didn't lose the car keys, did you?
Tim: I hope I didn't, but I fear I did. [points to the hole in the ice] Do you wanna go in? I've already been in.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Hi-ho, stranded neighbors.

Quote from Al

Al: Where did you get these fish? [Wilson removes his jacket hood to reveal a beanie hat which is covering his mouth]
Wilson: Well, when I was looking for your shanty, I found some very nice people whose cooler was overflowing. You know, they say the fishing's the best it's been up here in 12 years.
Al: I do not understand why we have not caught any fish.
Wilson: What is that rather pungent aroma?
Al: Oh, it's Tim's hand cleaner over there.
Wilson: Tim, I think I can explain to you why you didn't catch anything. You know, it's a well-known fact that fish are attracted to bait by the scent. However, if the bait is overridden with a more powerful smell such as cologne or hand cleaner that smells like... Sawdust? Then instead, the fish are repelled.
Al: Nice going, Tim.
Tim: You said you liked the smell of that.
Al: Well, I'm not a fish!

Quote from Wilson

Tim: What kind of guy wants to be outdoors and listen to another man talk about what's bugging him?
Wilson: Like you and I do in the backyard?
Tim: [grunts]
Wilson: You see, Tim, friendship is a symbiotic relationship. Two people have to contribute equally.
Tim: Yeah, but it's different with you and me.
Wilson: Well, why is it different?
Tim: There's a fence.
Wilson: Well, fence or no fence, I think Al just wanted you to listen.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You know, a little while ago you were talking about how your life's become real full. What were you talking about?
Al: Tim, I don't wanna talk about it now.
Tim: Oh, come on. Good friendships are Kumbayatic.
Al: You wanna sing camp songs?

Quote from Tim

Jill: You fell in? Are you all right?
Tim: Yeah, I'm fine.
Jill: Well, what happened? Tell me all about it.
Tim: I don't wanna talk about it. I spent the last two-and-a-half hours driving with Al, talking with him about everything - boyhood memories, his relationship with Ilene, even why he wears flannel.
Jill: Why does he wear flannel?
Tim: It's kind of a neat story, really. When his dad had his workshop behind the house, it was very cold. When Al was a little kid he came out and worked... and his dad put these big flannel shirts on him.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Trouble on the ice, Tim?
Tim: Yeah, the husky's misbehaving.
Wilson: Well, that's too bad. A trip like this ought to be a good opportunity for men to spend some time together, talk, share some laughs.
Tim: That's all he wanted to do was talk.
Wilson: Oh, what did you talk about?
Tim: I don't know. I wasn't listening to him.

Quote from Al

Tim: Well, this week on Tool Time, it's "What's New?" What's new with you, Al? That lint? No, that's always been there, hasn't it? New shirt? New... No.
Al: Well, Tim, what's new with Binford is that they've just come up with a brand-new exterior wood filler. It's a quick-drying latex blend that will fill holes... of any size.
Tim: Hm. Like this one back here?
Al: Tim. We'll be using it today on the door and wood frame.
Tim: That's right. Just a little bit can cover up scratches, nicks, any hole you have in that door.
Al: A little dab'll do ya.
Tim: That's a pretty hip reference, Al... or is it Daddy-o? How about a Hula-Hoop? Let's get some bell-bottoms. Come on.

Quote from Tim

Al: Are you busy this weekend?
Tim: Yeah.
Al: Look, I really need a favor. I'm thinking of buying some property.
Tim: In my neighborhood?
Al: No. No.
Tim: Good. See you.

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