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‘High School Confidential’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: High School Confidential

514. High School Confidential

Aired January 16, 1996

After Randy gets in trouble for goofing off in class, his teacher suggests sending him to high school classes.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, maybe you can remind Brad of the famous Hindustan proverb: "True nobility lies not in being superior to another man, but in being superior to one's previous self."
Tim: Ooh, yeah!
Jill: That is so perfect.
Tim: Like it. Where do you keep coming up with these things?
Wilson: Oh, neighbor, neighbor. I've spent my entire life studying the wisdom of intelligent thinkers and philosophers. However, this one I read in a fortune cookie.

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Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome, ladies and gentleman, to the Binford 6100 man's bedroom. [fanfare] Yeah, this is no babe's boudoir.
Al: No honey's hideaway.
Tim: No wench's way station. Men, you've had lace in your face for far too long. Now it's time to come home... [knocks] to chrome.
Al: That's why we built the Man's Bedroom. So he feels as comfortable here as he does in his neighborhood bar.
Tim: As a matter of fact, in the Man's Bedroom, we have the neighborhood bar. Well, Milton, how's business?
Milton: Slow. What will it be?
Tim: Oh, a perfect Manhattan for me and a Shirley Temple for Al.

Quote from Tim

Tim: While Milton's mixing up my highball, let's look at the carpet.
Al: Marv, if you wanna come in here, we have 100% astroturf. It's good for Saturday golf and Monday Night Football. Milton, I'm open!
Tim: Ooh. [catches football] Ha-ha. Looks like it's gonna be my day. [scoreboard: "Tim 97 Al 0"] All right, let's take a look at the nightstands. On my side... a mesquite barbecue grill. On your side...
Al: You have a phone, place for your beer and a virtual reality system.
Tim: This way, when your wife's reading about Fabio, you could be racing Indy with Mario. In this case, guys, a fast finishing bed is not a bad thing. And if you do make your wife happy, she's got the little red button. Press this. [cheers and applause] Thank you, honey. I do what I can.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, I just got a call from the school about Brad.
Tim: Another A?
Jill: No. They said he flunked his last two tests and he hasn't been turning in his homework.
Tim: What's that about? He's been doing so well.
Jill: Well, you know what's going on, don't you?
Tim: Well, it doesn't take a genius to figure it out, no. He can't concentrate 'cause all the other kids are asking him about the Man's Bedroom. [Jill and Wilson stare blankly at Tim] Well, what's your theory?

Quote from Tim

Brad: He finishes his homework before I can put my name on mine.
Jill: This is not about who finishes first. It's about getting the work done and absorbing what you've learned.
Brad: Yeah? Well, he's better at that, too. Everything comes easier to him.
Jill: Honey, you shouldn't compare yourself to Randy or anybody else.
Tim: That's right. Um... This famous man Hindu Stan... He never compared himself to his brother Hindu Bob.
Jill: Hindu Bob?

Quote from Tim

Randy: He's also my guidance counselor. He says I've been goofing off in class.
Jill: Randy, this isn't like you at all. What's going on?
Randy: Nothing.
Brad: Bad answer. I would have gone with, "It wasn't my fault. It was the kid next to me."
Tim: That never worked for me. I was the kid next to me.

Quote from Randy

Jill: You're getting detention in high school now?
Randy: It wasn't my fault.
Tim: Well, who's fault was it?
Randy: Look, I was trying to concentrate on my work, and all these kids kept on bugging me about the Man's Bedroom.
Tim: Really?
Randy: In your dreams, Pop.

Quote from Al

Al: Today we show you how to build a man's bed.
Tim: We'll be using materials that make a man feel all warm and toasty inside. Cold, hard steel.
Al: That's right. We'll be cutting that steel with the Binford 6100 chop saw.
Tim: She's a beauty, isn't she? 14-inch cut-off blade. Now, make sure your steel is fastened securely. Use a smooth pull, makes for a smooth cut. Now, this is the steel for our headboard and frame.
Al: And this is the backup steel for when Tim screws up.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Now, we finished our frame and we're gonna attach it to the headboard.
Al: And to form our design, we'll be using the Binford 6100 bender.
Tim: Al, do you suppose you call this a bender because it's been partying all weekend? Party! Ow! Ow!
Al: I don't think so, Tim. The bender allows us to form our headboard into any manly pattern that we choose.
Tim: A moose, a beer mug, jockstrap. A moose holding a beer mug, wearing a jockstrap.
Al: We've chosen...
Tim: Doesn't matter what we've chosen. Let's face it, men - no matter what design we put on the bed, once your wife gets a hold of it, it will look like this... Men, it's time we fight back. We've got to de-frill, de-lace, de-froufrou de bedroom.
Al: That's why, next time on Tool Time, we'll show you how a man designs his sleeping quarters and why it's called...
Both: The master bedroom.

Quote from Brad

Jill: Hi, sweetie. How was your day?
Brad: Unbelievably excellent.
Tim: You were welding?
Brad: No. I got an A on my English test.
Tim: All right!
Jill: That's great! I told you, you could do it.
Tim: I'm real proud of you. See, all your hard work pays off. This is the second A. This is really good news.
Brad: Yeah, last year the only A I got stood for "absent."

Quote from Tim

Randy: What's the big deal? Brad always gets detention.
Brad: I'm not getting detention anymore. I just got my second straight A in English. Of Mice and Men.
Tim: Ha-ha. Finally teaching pest control in school. That's good.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I can't believe you're not worried about Randy.
Tim: Would you relax? This is the first time we've been called in. When I was his age, my mom was at school so much, they thought she was an eighth grader with a station wagon.
Jill: My parents first got called in seventh grade. Mrs. Manujen, Home Ec. She gave me a D in casseroles.
Tim: So the problem goes back that far?

Quote from Tim

Jill: I must admit, we were a little surprised to be called in for Randy. He's never been in trouble.
Mr. Marino: Well, we feel the reason Randy's having problems in class is that he's so bright. He's always ahead of the other students.
Tim: Well, what are we doing here? Shouldn't you be talking to the parents of the dumb kids?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Wow! I hadn't realized he was that advanced.
Tim: Well, it's not that surprising. His dad skipped Intermediate Shop, went right to Advanced Metal.
Mr. Marino: Ah. You were a shop prodigy.
Tim: Well, let's just say I was metallurgically well-endowed.

Quote from Tim

Al: Now, I'd like to show everyone my favorite part of the Man's Bedroom - the man's closet. Most men don't like to take the time to coordinate their clothes.
Tim: But in the man's closet, all the work is done for you. Shirts, ties and pants are on rotating drums.
Al: You just push the button for the appropriate occasion.
Tim: I'm going to my mother-in-law's for dinner. My wife's nagging me to look nice, so I push "nag one."
Al: That's a very nice ensemble, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, Al.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Now let's get to the problem of making that man's bed.
Al: That's right. After a man has slept in it, it might look something like this.
Tim: Now, who wants to waste time with hospital corners and fluffing up sheets? You just press the button and the man's bed becomes...
Al: The man's pool table.
Tim: Of course we're gonna need some cues, Al.

Quote from Randy

Jill: OK, Randy. Let's hear it. How was your first day at high school?
Randy: Great. Except for the guy who asked me if I wanted a phone book to sit on.
Jill: Did you tell the teacher?
Randy: It was the teacher. No, but it's cool. He doesn't mind if you call him Baldy.
Jill: We had a teacher we called Baldy. She minded.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, hi-ho, Tim.
Tim: You going skiing?
Wilson: Mm-hmm. I don't know if I told you - I'm a biathlete.
Tim: Hey, whatever you do behind closed doors is your business.
Wilson: Well, actually we do it outside.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Wilson: You see, Tim, the biathlon is a combination of cross-country skiing and target shooting. I would have invited you along, but I figured you were quite busy.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Brad, we got a call from your school.
Brad: You did?
Tim: They say you're not turning in your homework and your grades have been slipping.
Brad: So, things are back to normal.
Tim: What are you talking about? Up until last week, you were having the best year ever.
Jill: Brad, does this have anything to do with Randy going to your school?
Brad: No.
Tim: Does this have anything to do with the Man's Bedroom?

Quote from Tim

Brad: School's hard for me, Mom.
Jill: I know. Brad, your best quality has always been that you don't give up when things get difficult.
I remember when you were a baby, and you first started eating solid food, the spoon never got near your mouth, you had applesauce all over your hair.
Tim: Peas in your nose. Which wasn't very attractive because you sneezed a lot then. Yeah.
Jill: But the important thing is you wouldn't let us help. You had to do it until you could do it yourself. Or when you started learning how to ride a bike.
Tim: Remember that bike I built for you? The Stingray? The small chassis thing, we did the metal plate paint job on that. It had a banana seat and it had a heated seat in that. We had a coil running through that...

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