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‘Luck Be a Taylor Tonight’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Luck Be a Taylor Tonight

122. Luck Be a Taylor Tonight

Aired April 7, 1992

Tim's poker night with the guys doesn't go to plan when Jill's sister, Robin (Amy Ryan), gets into an argument with her new husband Charlie (Tom Verica).

Quote from Jill

Jill: Robbie, can I give you just a little piece of advice?
Robin: No.
Jill: Well, you're gonna hear it anyway. Marriage is about one thing - compromise. And guess who gets to do most of that?
Both: We do.
Jill: It's 70-30. Unless you count childbirth, and then it's 97-3.

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Quote from Jill

Jill: Now, listen, you need to learn to let some things go, because you know you make everything such a big deal. Just eliminate the things that drive you the craziest.
Robin: Well, that would be Charlie. He is such a slob, Jill. He leaves his clothes on the floor, his wet towels on the bed. I wish he was more like Tim.
Jill: Hah!
Robin: At least Tim helps you out around the house.
Jill: Well, of course he does. I trained him. Without me he'd still be in the backyard eating out of a trough.
Robin: How did you train him?
Jill: Well, first I got rid of the trough.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: How do women and men even stay together?
Wilson: It has to do with barbed wire, Tim.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Wilson: As a boy I used to spend summers at my Uncle Leonard's farm and at the edge of his property he had a huge oak tree. Running through the middle of that tree was an old barbed-wire fence.
Tim: It went right through the tree?
Wilson: Right through the middle of the tree. When a tree is planted close to a fence it has nowhere to grow. As it expands and grows bigger it extends over the fence and slowly envelops the wire. The two separate entities gradually become one.
Tim: Am I the tree or the barbed wire?
Wilson: Well, I don't think you're the tree, Tim. [Tim laughs] Ah, the point is, the two were joined without destroying the tree or losing the integrity of the fence. It's almost as if they belong together.
Tim: Like Jill and me.

Quote from Tim

Al: OK, well, what should I wear?
Tim: Well, Al, I can't speak for Fred or Charlie, but I'd like to see you in something simple yet revealing.
Al: What you're saying is it doesn't matter.
Tim: That's what I'm saying, Al. Unless you get an evening dress...
Al: I'll see you at 7:30.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I got everything I need. Chips, soda, all ready for that poker game. Whoa! Looks like your mom made some dip.
Jill: [o.s.] Don't eat that!
Tim: I know. It's for the company. [licks dip off finger] Is that your mother's recipe?
Jill: No. It's not a dip. It's an organic face mask. [Tim retches]

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well, Tim, if the boys don't want to go, maybe we should just all stay home.
Tim: No! When your sister gets here, she goes, Charlie stays. It's a man's night tonight.
Jill: "Man's night."
Tim: Yeah. Man's night. Cigars, smoke, scratching parts of you, burping, body noises without any kind of apology. "Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry. I fluffed."
Jill: How is that different from any other night?
Tim: Well, there'll be other men doing it with me.

Quote from Tim

Charlie: Well, I've only been married 23 days, and every day it's been the same thing. Nag, nag, nag. "Pick up your socks, pick up your underwear, pick up your dishes."
Tim: Charlie, pick up your keys. [chuckles] Let me tell you something about women. Women are a product of their mothers. And their mothers before that, and their mothers before that. This nagging is a genetic thing. It goes way back, you know? Maybe to caveman days. The Serengeti's quiet. You could hear a pin drop. But out of a cave hole: "Hey. Grog, get your hairy butt out of that bed. Did you drag this wildebeest across this floor? I've been down on my knuckles and knees all day. I washed your loincloth this morning. Use some leaves, will ya?" Why do you think man invented the wheel? So he could leave home now and then.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right, my deal. Seven card stud. Everybody antes.
Al: Why do they call it "stud"?
Tim: Well, I think it's because you're here, Al.

Quote from Tim

Fred: Charlie, you should have seen this '40 Chevy project I was working on.
Tim: Oh, that pick-up down at your shop.
Fred: Beauty.
Tim: It's lime green. It's metal flake. About a mile deep paint job. This thing is just unbelievable. It's got a...
Both: ..454, big Chevy V-8, tunnel rams... dual quads, polished heads...
Fred: ..350 turbo trans. Ten-inch torque converter. I mean a sweet piece of metal.
Tim: Ooh! This is it, right here. Men talking. Cigar smoke. Cars. [grunts]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Let me jump in here, if I could. Charlie, Jill and I have been married 12 years. Good marriage for one reason. Every day I get up early morning. Look her right in the eyes and say. "Jill, I'm sorry."
Charlie: For what?
Tim: For everything. Just being a man, having an Adam's apple, just breathing. That's it.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Now, when you apologize to a woman just look at the floor and nod.
Charlie: All right, All right.
Al: You know, the apology might be more effective if you really meant it.
Tim: Ha-ha. Guess which one of us at this table's not married? [all point to Al] Boom.

Quote from Al

Charlie: I know I'm a bit of a slob, but she used to think it was cute before we were married. Now I can't get her off my back.
Tim: You want her off your back? Do something unexpected. Like the laundry, but make sure she knows you're doing it. "Honey, where's the fabric softener? I'm doing the laundry." And then when you... Start mumbling like.
"I can't seem to get the whites as clean as you get them, hon." They love that stuff.
Al: You know, Tim, the trouble with your whites may be you're not pre-soaking.
Tim: Thank you, Al.

Quote from Mark

Tim: You know, I've been married 12 years. And the reason I have a good marriage is because of one word. Compromise. And who does all the compromise in a relationship? Men. It's always 60-40. Now let's play some cards.
Mark: [walks up behind Tim] Three kings. Is that good?
Fred: I fold.
Charlie: Me too.

Quote from Jill

Robin: Come on. What did you do?
Jill: I just used positive reinforcement. You remember that puppy that Dad brought home that we had so much trouble house-breaking?
Robin: Puddles?
Jill: Yeah. I did the same stuff with Tim that we did with Puddles.
Robin: This is good. You taught him to roll over and play dead?
Jill: No, Tim already knew how to do that.

Quote from Al

Al: I'm in.
Tim: Well, you don't say. Welcome to the game, Al. It's about damn time.
Al: How much is the most you can raise?
Tim: [chuckles] Well, there's a three-dollar limit, Daddy Warbucks.
Al: OK, I raise that.
Charlie: Oh, he must have something good. I'm out.
Tim: I'm out. He better have something good.
Fred: I'm sticking. What do you have, Al?
Al: A flush. All black cards. Read 'em and cry.
Tim: I hate to burst your bubble, Al, but a flush is all the same suit. Clubs, diamonds... All the same something.
Al: Oh. Then I fold.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I'm sorry your poker night turned out to be a bust.
Tim: Well, it certainly wasn't your fault, and I do apologize for being so rough. It's just that sometimes I don't know where my fence ends and your tree begins.
Jill: Huh?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Before we go, let's take one last look at this fender. Boy, that hard work paid off, Al. We applied 120 coats of lacquer. Mm-mm-mm.
Al: "We", Tim? Well, you did the first coat of lacquer. I did the next 119.
Tim: Well, like I said, between us we applied 120 coats. You know, this fender reminds me of a good marriage. Stick with me on this one. All you see on the outside is a shiny lacquer finish. You don't know about the hard work that went into it. Like a good marriage. You see a good marriage on the outside but you don't know about the hard work that went into it. The enamel finish and the marriage both need hard work and dedication to make them come out right. The only difference is... you want your mother-in-law to steer clear of your marriage. But right in front of your fender. Just kidding, Nana. Well, that's it for me, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor with my buddy, Al, saying so long. See you next time.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You know, all this week, Al and I have done our Tool Time salute to painting, and I got to thinking about something a little disjointed. Women have been telling me that they think men are insensitive, that we don't listen. Boy, that really irks me. How about you, Al?
Al: Well, Tim, I think...
Tim: That's exactly my point, Al. You know, men are sensitive to other things. For instance, when a woman sees a hot rod, what does she see? A car. When a man sees a hot rod he sees all the love and care that it took to make the details of the hot rod.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right, what are we gonna do on the next show?
Fred: Well, Tim, first we're going to apply 120 coats of hand-rubbed lacquer.
Tim: Do you suppose a fender has 120 coats 'cause it's cold?
Al: I really doubt it, Tim.
Tim: Well, it sounds like a lot of work, though.
Fred: Oh, it is, Tim. But it's worth it if you're a real detail man.
Tim: Details. [Tim rests his arm on the fender] See, it's exactly my point.
Al: Ah, well, there... there is one detail, Tim.
Tim: Al, we don't have any more time for details. Join me next time when we put this fender back... [Tim lifts his arm to reveal a large black stain]
Al: Yeah, we just put that primer on backstage.
Tim: Was that the detail, Al?
Al: Yes, it was, Tim.
Tim: Well, anyway, thanks for being with us. I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, hoping all your lacquer finishes are glossy. See ya next time. [grunts]

Quote from Tim

Fred: Listen, I've got some bad news. Murray called, he can't make the poker game tonight.
Tim: Oh, no. We can't play with three men.
Fred: Well, maybe we should call it off.
Tim: No, we're not calling it off. I don't care if I have to drag some idiot off the street.
Al: Excuse me, Tim.
Tim: Al! Hey. Um... We need a fourth player for our poker game tonight. Do you wanna join us?
Al: Oh, I haven't played in about ten years.
Tim & Fred: Perfect.

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