Al: Anyway, on today's show we're gonna be talking about replacing your old bathroom fixtures with new ones.
Tim: Now, you might want to select these and install them when the wife's out of the house. Otherwise, you might end up with... [crows] ...one of these. [continues crowing] Who wants tap water coming out of a Klingon bird of prey, huh? Women, that's who. Women tend to overdo everything. Bathrooms, weddings...
Al: Now, how can you compare bathrooms and weddings?
Tim: Well, during my wedding, I spent most of the time in the bathroom.

Tim: See, a man wouldn't plan one of these big shindigs. A man's wedding would be simple and direct. Right, guys? [men grunt] It wouldn't cost an arm and a leg, either. I could do a wedding for, ooh, I don't know, [blows raspberry] ...off the top of my head, $137.50. $132.00 without flowers.
Al: There is no way you can do a wedding for that kind of money.
Tim: Watch me! The first thing to go, are those expensive invitations women have. A man's invitation would cost about... mmm, 20 cents.
Al: [scoffs] What are you taking about?
Tim: I'll show you. [takes out cell phone] Hank! Yeah. I'm getting hitched. What are you doing Tuesday?
Al: Tuesday? That's ridiculous. Nobody would go to a wedding on a Tuesday.
Tim: Ah-ha! Added bonus then. Eliminates 80% of your rogue relatives.

Al: Look, can we stop talking about marriage and get back to faucets.
Tim: To wedding cakes. Let's start talking about wedding cakes, how about that? Women want those cakes that are tiered, like Aztec sacrificial altars, right? And on the top... the bride and groom in the penthouse. Holding hands and smiling. [snorts] What's that about?
Al: It symbolizes the joy of marriage.
Tim: A man's wedding cake would show what marriage is really like. Heidi, the man's wedding cake, please.
[Heidi wheels out a tiered care which features a groom and bride in a boxing ring. Tim and Heidi battle them like Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots]

Al: Come on! Doesn't somebody have something good to say about marriage?
Harry: Be good if mine ended.

Jill: The morning of my wedding I was such a wreck. My sisters had to literally drag me kicking and screaming the whole way to the church. I was freaked out at the prospect of spending the rest of my life with Tim.
Al: Yeah.
Tim: [sarcastic] Yeah. I don't remember you telling me this.
Jill: Well, I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Tim: So, you thought now would be a good time?
Jill: I'm trying to help Al out here. OK? Al, you and Ilene are perfect together...
Tim: Wait a minute. Hold it. Kicking and screaming?
Jill: Tim, I was young. I had my whole future ahead of me. What, you're telling me you didn't have any second thoughts?
Tim: No. But I'm... I'm having some right now.

Jill: Tim, how could you say all those idiotic things on Tool Time?
Tim: You'll have to be more specific.
Jill: How can you stereotype women like that?
Tim: Again, you'll have to be more specific.

Wilson: You know, Martin Luther had something good to say. "There is no more lovely, friendly or charming relationship, communion, or company than a good marriage."
All: Here, here!

Wilson: So, Lady Astor said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." To which he replied, "Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!"
Benny: Churchill, huh? Does he ever play Vegas?

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Of course you all know my assistant, Al "Here Comes the Groom" Borland! [applause] Big day tomorrow, right, Al?
Al: Uh, yes. Tomorrow is the big day. Uh, in 23 hours and 39 minutes, Dr. Ilene Louise Markham will become Dr. Ilene Louise Markham hyphen Borland.
Tim: It rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it?

Harry: And then she says, "Fifty bucks, Senator. Same as in town."
Al: I don't get it. Do you get it, Cal?
Cal: No.
Marty: It's amazing. The flannel brothers haven't gotten one joke yet.
Al: Well, we were brought up in a very proper home. Mother did shield us from a lot.
Tim: Your mother could shield Michigan from the sun.