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‘Something Old, Someone Blue’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Something Old, Someone Blue

618. Something Old, Someone Blue

Aired February 25, 1997

After the guys make fun of marriage at Al's bachelor party, he admits he's having second thoughts about marrying Ilene.

Quote from Tim

Al: Anyway, on today's show we're gonna be talking about replacing your old bathroom fixtures with new ones.
Tim: Now, you might want to select these and install them when the wife's out of the house. Otherwise, you might end up with... [crows] ...one of these. [continues crowing] Who wants tap water coming out of a Klingon bird of prey, huh? Women, that's who. Women tend to overdo everything. Bathrooms, weddings...
Al: Now, how can you compare bathrooms and weddings?
Tim: Well, during my wedding, I spent most of the time in the bathroom.

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Quote from Tim

Tim: See, a man wouldn't plan one of these big shindigs. A man's wedding would be simple and direct. Right, guys? [men grunt] It wouldn't cost an arm and a leg, either. I could do a wedding for, ooh, I don't know, [blows raspberry] ...off the top of my head, $137.50. $132.00 without flowers.
Al: There is no way you can do a wedding for that kind of money.
Tim: Watch me! The first thing to go, are those expensive invitations women have. A man's invitation would cost about... mmm, 20 cents.
Al: [scoffs] What are you taking about?
Tim: I'll show you. [takes out cell phone] Hank! Yeah. I'm getting hitched. What are you doing Tuesday?
Al: Tuesday? That's ridiculous. Nobody would go to a wedding on a Tuesday.
Tim: Ah-ha! Added bonus then. Eliminates 80% of your rogue relatives.

Quote from Tim

Al: Look, can we stop talking about marriage and get back to faucets.
Tim: To wedding cakes. Let's start talking about wedding cakes, how about that? Women want those cakes that are tiered, like Aztec sacrificial altars, right? And on the top... the bride and groom in the penthouse. Holding hands and smiling. [snorts] What's that about?
Al: It symbolizes the joy of marriage.
Tim: A man's wedding cake would show what marriage is really like. Heidi, the man's wedding cake, please.
[Heidi wheels out a tiered care which features a groom and bride in a boxing ring. Tim and Heidi battle them like Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots]

Quote from Harry

Al: Come on! Doesn't somebody have something good to say about marriage?
Harry: Be good if mine ended.

Quote from Jill

Jill: The morning of my wedding I was such a wreck. My sisters had to literally drag me kicking and screaming the whole way to the church. I was freaked out at the prospect of spending the rest of my life with Tim.
Al: Yeah.
Tim: [sarcastic] Yeah. I don't remember you telling me this.
Jill: Well, I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Tim: So, you thought now would be a good time?
Jill: I'm trying to help Al out here. OK? Al, you and Ilene are perfect together...
Tim: Wait a minute. Hold it. Kicking and screaming?
Jill: Tim, I was young. I had my whole future ahead of me. What, you're telling me you didn't have any second thoughts?
Tim: No. But I'm... I'm having some right now.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, how could you say all those idiotic things on Tool Time?
Tim: You'll have to be more specific.
Jill: How can you stereotype women like that?
Tim: Again, you'll have to be more specific.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, Martin Luther had something good to say. "There is no more lovely, friendly or charming relationship, communion, or company than a good marriage."
All: Here, here!

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: So, Lady Astor said to Winston Churchill, "If you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." To which he replied, "Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it!"
Benny: Churchill, huh? Does he ever play Vegas?

Quote from Al

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Of course you all know my assistant, Al "Here Comes the Groom" Borland! [applause] Big day tomorrow, right, Al?
Al: Uh, yes. Tomorrow is the big day. Uh, in 23 hours and 39 minutes, Dr. Ilene Louise Markham will become Dr. Ilene Louise Markham hyphen Borland.
Tim: It rolls right off the tongue, doesn't it?

Quote from Tim

Harry: And then she says, "Fifty bucks, Senator. Same as in town."
Al: I don't get it. Do you get it, Cal?
Cal: No.
Marty: It's amazing. The flannel brothers haven't gotten one joke yet.
Al: Well, we were brought up in a very proper home. Mother did shield us from a lot.
Tim: Your mother could shield Michigan from the sun.

Quote from Al

Al: really don't know if I should go through with this wedding.
Tim: What? No! Al... don't listen to this. This is all because of what we've been saying tonight?
Al: No. I don't... I don't take any of that seriously.
Tim: Is it because of what I said on Tool Time?
Al: I never take that seriously.

Quote from Al

Jill: Al! Al! You always said Ilene was the best thing that happened to you.
Al: I know! I know that! But lately there's been some things about her that just get on my nerves.
Jill: Well, like what? What?
Al: Well... ...she's so darn... nice! You know, she never stands up for herself! She never gets angry! She never gets annoyed!
Tim: [to Jill] Kicking and screaming?
Al: I want somebody who is feisty! Somebody who is not afraid to look me in the eye and say, "Al, you've had way too much bacon bits!" I want somebody... somebody like Barbara Walters.
Tim: Barbara Walters?
Al: Oh, yeah. She's sassy.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Oh, Ilene, look at you. You're so beautiful. This is gonna be the most wonderful day of your life.
Ilene: I hope so because I really have the jitters.
Jill: Oh, that's just cold feet.
Ilene: Really?
Jill: Everybody feels that. You should've seen me on the morning of my wedding. My sisters literally had to drag me kicking...
Tim: Kicking and screaming.

Quote from Al

Tim: Hey, guys. Are you sure this is what you want to do?
Ilene: I really think it's the best thing.
Jill: What about you, Al?
Al: Oh, yeah. I... l feel the same way. I... I just don't know how I'm gonna break it to mother.
Mrs. Borland [o.s.] Oh, no! Ho-ho! [thudding]
Tim: I think she knows.
Marty: I think somebody had better send for a forklift.
Al: Mother!

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, I myself had rather a Puritanical upbringing. My father was abstemious and he abhorred the salacious bon mot.
Benny: I know he's speaking English because I understood the word "father."

Quote from Marty

Benny: Boy, Al! I never thought I'd see the day when you took the fatal plunge.
Marty: Aw, come on! I wouldn't call it a plunge.
Tim: Marty, what would you call it?
Marty: More like a slow agonizing death.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You know, Al, we make a lot of jokes about marriage. And the truth is when you find the right person, there's nothing quite like it. Here.. here's to my best friend, Al Borland. [guys cheer] Let's not forget the bride-to-be, Dr. Ilene Louise Markham... "hyphen-hyphen!"
All: "Hyphen-hyphen."
Benny: "Hyphen," is that a Ukrainian name?

Quote from Al

Tim: Here. Open mine first. You've been waiting for this for a long time, Al.
Al: An oven-ready casserole set?
Tim: Loosen your girdle, will ya, fella? This isn't a bridal shower with women oohing and ahhing over girlie gifts.
Al: Ooh, a demolition hammer! Ooh! Ahh! [grunts]
Tim: With a three-quarter-inch X-shank.
All: Ahh!
Harry: It's the kind of thing you never buy for yourself.
Wilson: That is so stunning.
Marty: And in such good taste.
Benny: It's so slimming.
Al: This is exactly why I registered at Sears! I just...l just love it!

Quote from Al

Al: If I go through with this, it could be the biggest mistake of my life.
Tim: [sighs] This is... this is... this is not like you, Al, um... you shouldn't be drinking that. It's just that brown liquor talking. How many of those have you had?
Al: If I finish this...
Tim: If you finish that one.
Al: One.

Quote from Al

Jill: Al, the wedding is tomorrow. Honey, you've gotta go home and give this some serious thought.
Tim: This is a decision that'll affect the rest of your life.
Jill: And Ilene's.
Al: I know. l... you're right. I guess I have to go home and decide whether... whether there is something really deep between us, or if it's just wild, unbridled sex! [exits]
[Tim and Jill shudder and groan]

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