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‘Fear of Flying’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Fear of Flying

517. Fear of Flying

Aired February 13, 1996

Jill is afraid when Mark wants to take flying lessons. Meanwhile, Tool Time welcomes the astronauts of the space shuttle Columbia.

Quote from Jill

Mark: And they let us go up in one of those turboprops.
Jill: Ooh! One of those simulator things?
Tim: No. A little plane.
Jill: You took him up in a little plane?
Tim & Mark: Yeah.
Jill: Those things are disasters waiting to happen. They're like Tool Time with wings.

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Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, Jill, as an experienced pilot, I can assure you that learning with a licensed instructor is quite safe.
Jill: I didn't know you were a pilot.
Wilson: Oh, yes, indeedy. I've logged over a 1,000 hours since I flew spy planes during the war.
Jill: You were a spy?
Wilson: Mm-hmm.
Jill: Which war?
Wilson: I'm not at liberty to say.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You know what happens when a mother babies her son like this? He turns into Al.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I'd hate to think that I was passing my fears onto the kids, though. Thanks to their father, they're afraid of glues, hammers and anything in reverse.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, I'd be glad to take you up. It's just that there are a few countries I can't fly over.
Jill: Which ones?
Wilson: I'm not at liberty to say.

Quote from Wilson

Mark: So, Mom, can I take flying lessons?
Jill: Yeah. So long as you leave your father home. Wilson, can we land now?
Wilson: Land? I never learned how to do that.
Tim: He's kidding. You're kidding, right?
Wilson: I'm not at liberty to say.

Quote from Jill

Tim: These planes are perfectly safe. They're checked every 100 hours. They inspect the engine, the airframe.
Jill: Do they inspect the brains of the parents who sign their kids up for these classes?
Tim: Maybe. Read the brochure. I haven't read the whole thing.
Jill: Tim, there is no way that I'm gonna let Mark do this. No way.
Tim: He's finally found something he likes to do. He's got a hobby now.
Jill: No, no! Fishing is a hobby, building model planes, that's a hobby. Flying kamikaze missions over Detroit, not a hobby.
Tim: Kamikaze missions?
Jill: Yeah.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, Jill, from what you tell me of your family, I'm reminded of the behavior of baboons. The studies showed that the offspring of baboons pick up their parents' fears, whether those fears are justified or not.
Jill: So you're saying I'm afraid for Mark because my mother projected her fears onto me?
Wilson: Well, I can't say that for sure. Jill, have you ever been up in a small plane?
Jill: Of course. The Dumbo ride at Disney World.
Wilson: I think what would really help you is to take a ride in a small aircraft just to see how darn safe they really are.
Jill: I don't think so. I'd be too scared.
Wilson: Well, are you really scared, or are you just echoing your mother's fears?

Quote from Jill

Tim: Look, he'd be trained by a highly experienced instructor who's logged over 1000 hours in this plane.
Jill: I don't care if it's a million hours. It only takes ten seconds to crash.
Tim: Honey, honey, honey. We in the aviation business don't use the word "crash." It sounds so negative.
Jill: Well, honey... some of us think a plane going down in flames is kind of a negative thing.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Before the astronauts went up in space, I put a care package together for NASA - a special screwdriver I made and some classic episodes of Tool Time.
Al Sacco: And they came in very handy.
Tim: Who got to use the screwdriver?
Kathryn Thornton: That was me, Tim, and I brought along a videotape of me using it in space.
Tim: Thanks, Kathryn. Heidi, let's take a look at it.
[video of Kathryn Thornton spinning around as he holds onto a screwdriver in the International Space Station]
Al: Congratulations, Tim, on your first intergalactic screwup.

Quote from Mark

Jill: Hi, Mark. [Mark is silent] You're still not talking to me? Oh, honey! Look. Look. I got you something really cool. This is a P-38 Lightning.
Mark: Keep it. I don't care about planes anymore.
Jill: Well, couldn't you find another hobby?
Mark: Like what? Stamp collecting?
Jill: Well, that'd be good. Or coins or paperweights. I, as a child, collected butterflies.
Mark: I, as a child, could care less.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Don't panic, Jill. I'll just readjust the mixture. [engine starts] And I'll level the course. There. That's better.
Tim: I'm sorry, everybody. Is there something I can do, Wilson?
Wilson: Well, actually, Tim, there's a very special job I have for you.
Tim: Great. What is it?
Wilson: Take your hands...
Tim: Got them.
Wilson: Place them firmly under your butt...
Tim: OK.
Wilson: And leave them there for the rest of the flight.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, Mark. Looking good.
Mark: Thanks. I only got one more decal to put on and I'm done. How are you doing?
Tim: What do you think?
Mark: It doesn't really look like a Spitfire.
Tim: That's because it's a combination - Spitfire and Mustang. I don't know what to call it. A Spitstang or a Musfire.
Mark: I've never seen mag wheels on a plane before.
Tim: Four. A rear spoiler and dual exhaust. Huh?
Mark: Why would you need all that stuff?
Tim: In case you pull up next to a guy in a cloud who wants to race, that's why.

Quote from Tim

Jill: You know where you could take him? The Yankee Air Museum. I read they're having some kind of special exhibit.
Tim: That's a great idea. I'll take him Saturday. I won't have to suffer through one of your piano lessons again.
Jill: Excuse me. Did you say suffer?
Tim: Well, suffer in a good way. We all know that suffering makes us stronger.
Jill: Tim, do you have any idea how lame that was?
Tim: I'm never sure till I'm done.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Only you could turn a trip to the museum into a journey to death.
Tim: Before you get bent out of shape, take a look at the facts.
Jill: No, here is a fact: there is no one who's going to convince me that an 11-year old child should be taking flying lessons.
Tim: They teach a lot of kids how to fly. A lot of them are younger than Mark.
Jill: That doesn't make it safe.
Tim: They have a lot of sis-tis... sis-sis-tid... There's stat... tistis... There's t-t-t... There's facts in here that show that flying a small plane is safer than driving a car.
Jill: Well, sure, the way you drive.

Quote from Tim

Mark: So, can I take flying lessons?
Jill: I'm sorry, honey. But your father and I discussed it, and we decided that it's really not a good idea.
Mark: In other words, Mom said no and you caved.
Tim: I didn't cave. She thinks... She and l... think it'd be better if you got a little older to take these lessons.
Mark: How old?
Tim: Have your ever heard of a man named Methuselah?

Quote from Tim

Al: Two years ago, we were fortunate to have the crew of the space shuttle Endeavor.
Tim: Today, we're honored to meet the crew of the space shuttle Columbia. It's amazing that they're here, right?
Al: Yes, it is. Especially after you tried to steal one of the Endeavor crew's space tools.
Tim: I didn't steal one, I borrowed it, in case I was taking my family to the gas giant. That would be Jupiter, not your mother.

Quote from Tim

Al: Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a warm welcome for the crew of the Columbia.
Tim: First, let's welcome Ken Bowersox, who's been here with us before on Tool Time. He was with the space shuttle Endeavor last time. Welcome aboard.
Ken Bowersox: Thank you, Tim. For the record, I'd just like to say that you did try to steal that tool.
Tim: [chuckles] And for the record, I'd just like to say "Bowersox" is still a real funny name. Next to Ken is Cady Coleman. And next to her is Kathryn Thornton, who's spent over a 1,000 hours in space.
Kathryn Thornton: That's right, Tim. Tim, but 21 of those hours were outside the cabin.
Tim: Anything to get away from Ken, huh?
Kathryn Thornton: No, Tim. We were doing things like trying to repair the Hubble Space Telescope.
Tim: Ah, you don't have to cover for him.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Let me ask you guys a question that I'm sure most of us want to know. Do your mothers worry about you being in outer space? Ken?
Ken Bowersox: No, my mom never has a problem with me orbiting around the Earth. She only gets nervous when I fly in those small airplanes.
Tim: [nervous chuckle] Jill, I'm sure he's just kidding around. So, Al, guess what I have in common with all these astronauts.
Al: You've all had a fire lit under your butt and shot into space?
Tim: Well, that and Ph.D. If you remember, a couple of months ago, I got a Ph.D. All the astronauts also have Ph.Ds.
Ken Bowersox: Actually, Tim, that's not true. Everyone has one but me.
Tim: Well, isn't that a shame, Ken? Do you guys razz him for not having a doctorate?
Cady Coleman: No, we don't, Tim.
Tim: Why not?
Cady Coleman: 'Cause he's the commander.

Quote from Tim

Al: Fred, why don't you tell us a little something about what you guys did up there.
Fred Leslie: Well, Al, we had a 16-day mission where we conducted scientific experiments.
Al Sacco: And we focused on things like the physics of fluids.
Tim: Hm-hmm. Give me a couple of beers, I'll teach you all you need to know about the physics of fluids.
Ken Bowersox: Then I guess our mission was completely unnecessary.

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