Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And you all know my assistant, Al "He's a Thorn in My - ow! Siding" Borland.
Al: What Tim is trying to say is that it's Siding Week on Tool Time. And today we're gonna be working with aluminum. Or as I like to call it: "Al-luminum."
Tim: You know, you're the only one that thinks it's funny putting the word "Al" in every sentence.
Al: "Al" be the judge of that. [snorts]
Tim: A few more jokes like that, you'll be working in "Al-toona."
Al: Sorry. All right, let's get to our "inst-Al-lation."
Tim: Would you stop it, please?

Tim: Last time, we showed you how to install your half-inch foam board over your existing shingles. Now it's time to turn to aluminum.
Al: That's right. And our siding comes in 12-foot lengths. You're often gonna need to cut this around the lighting fixtures and faucets.
Al: Which means you'll have to do some measuring.
Tim: Al uses the old carpenter's adage, "Measure twice, cut once."
Al: Tim's adage is, "Never measure, cut yourself."

Tim: Well, I'm putting the finishing touches on the aluminum set. What do you think?
Wilson: Well, I'm thinking I won't be able to use this set.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Wilson: Tim, the suburban interpretation - it's all wrong. Why not just give Juliet a three-car garage?
Tim: All right, I see it. If we're gonna go with this, three-car garage. She's Italian. Doesn't want to get the Ferraris rained on. I like it!
Wilson: Tim, the sets have to fit my vision.
Tim: Pardonnez-moi. I happen to be the set designer.
Wilson: And I am the director.

Tim: You know, this brings to mind another great 20th-century thinker.
Wilson: Einstein?
Tim: Me. When I first started doing Tool Time, I was so obsessed with every speck and detail of every tool that people got fed up with me.
Wilson: So, what did you do?
Tim: Well, I hired Al to be the boring one. Which worked out very well. I realized I had a higher purpose - to make tool usage more accessible to the common man.
Wilson: So, you're saying I should make Shakespeare more accessible to the students.
Tim: If you blow it with these kids, they might learn to hate the theater. Then there would be a whole new generation of people like me.
Wilson: [grunts] Oh, no. I don't want that.

Sharon: "Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, which..."
Wilson: Now, stop right there, Juliet. Can you tell me the significance of that line?
Sharon: That I actually remembered it.
Randy: All right!
Wilson: Can anyone else tell me what it means? Well, now, this is very troubling. How can one act Shakespeare if one does not understand him? We'll have to start at the beginning.
Sharon: Beginning of the play or scene?
Wilson: No. The beginning of Shakespeare's life.

Jill: How would you like it if I directed your play?
Randy: I think my mom directing me in a love scene could seriously screw me up for life.
Tim: Honey, honey, honey, he's probably right. I'll direct.
Jill: Shakespeare's pretty deep stuff, Tim.
Tim: Oh, give me a break. "To be or not to be" isn't any deeper than "Does everybody know what time it is?"

Wilson: Well, greetings, my teenage troupe. Does everybody have your kitchen utensil?
Kids: Yeah.
Wilson: Well, I want you to bring them over here, I want you to toss them in this box, and then I want you to forget about them.
Randy: Wilson, you're not making any sense.
Wilson: Well, your father told me that my overzealous pedagogy would only extinguish your Elizabethan exuberance.
Randy: My dad said that?
Wilson: Actually, he said I was being a jackass.
Randy: That's Dad.

Tim: Overlapping these panels is an art form.
Al: That's right. And you want to nail these panels right into the stud. Now, you can help yourself by pre-measuring where the studs are on your old siding. Tim, however, already knows...
Tim: Where the stud is. Of course I do. But Al's point is well-taken, 'cause you might inadvertently nail right in through a gas line. [drills]
Al: Or water line.
Tim: Or worse yet, electrical line. [sparks fly]
Al: [screams] Aah!
[As electricity surges through his body, Al is thrown backwards onto a rotating display.]
Tim: Well... aluminum is a great conductor of electricity. Al? You all right, buddy? Al? [turns the display around] Well, at least we know he's "Al-live."

[tractor backing up, beeping]
Mark: Is that Dad? [crash]
Tim: [o.s.] Ow!
Mark: That's Dad.
Jill: Yeah. He's building the sets for Randy's school play.
Mark: What does Dad know about Shakespeare?
Jill: About as much as Shakespeare knew about tractor pulls.

Tim: Here's the mock-up of the set. The first Romeo and Juliet production where the castle's made entirely of aluminum siding.
Jill: Aluminum siding?
Tim: Yeah. I had a truckload of it. We had tons left after Tool Time.
Jill: So you got aluminum siding, storm windows. Since when did Romeo and Juliet move to the suburbs?
Tim: They were tired of all the sword-fighting downtown.