Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Mr. Wilson's Opus’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Mr. Wilson's Opus

523. Mr. Wilson's Opus

Aired April 30, 1996

Wilson takes over as director of Randy's school production of Romeo and Juliet, while Tim designs the sets.

Quote from Al

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And you all know my assistant, Al "He's a Thorn in My - ow! Siding" Borland.
Al: What Tim is trying to say is that it's Siding Week on Tool Time. And today we're gonna be working with aluminum. Or as I like to call it: "Al-luminum."
Tim: You know, you're the only one that thinks it's funny putting the word "Al" in every sentence.
Al: "Al" be the judge of that. [snorts]
Tim: A few more jokes like that, you'll be working in "Al-toona."
Al: Sorry. All right, let's get to our "inst-Al-lation."
Tim: Would you stop it, please?

Rate

Quote from Al

Tim: Last time, we showed you how to install your half-inch foam board over your existing shingles. Now it's time to turn to aluminum.
Al: That's right. And our siding comes in 12-foot lengths. You're often gonna need to cut this around the lighting fixtures and faucets.
Al: Which means you'll have to do some measuring.
Tim: Al uses the old carpenter's adage, "Measure twice, cut once."
Al: Tim's adage is, "Never measure, cut yourself."

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Well, I'm putting the finishing touches on the aluminum set. What do you think?
Wilson: Well, I'm thinking I won't be able to use this set.
Tim: [inquisitive grunt]
Wilson: Tim, the suburban interpretation - it's all wrong. Why not just give Juliet a three-car garage?
Tim: All right, I see it. If we're gonna go with this, three-car garage. She's Italian. Doesn't want to get the Ferraris rained on. I like it!
Wilson: Tim, the sets have to fit my vision.
Tim: Pardonnez-moi. I happen to be the set designer.
Wilson: And I am the director.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You know, this brings to mind another great 20th-century thinker.
Wilson: Einstein?
Tim: Me. When I first started doing Tool Time, I was so obsessed with every speck and detail of every tool that people got fed up with me.
Wilson: So, what did you do?
Tim: Well, I hired Al to be the boring one. Which worked out very well. I realized I had a higher purpose - to make tool usage more accessible to the common man.
Wilson: So, you're saying I should make Shakespeare more accessible to the students.
Tim: If you blow it with these kids, they might learn to hate the theater. Then there would be a whole new generation of people like me.
Wilson: [grunts] Oh, no. I don't want that.

Quote from Wilson

Sharon: "Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much, which..."
Wilson: Now, stop right there, Juliet. Can you tell me the significance of that line?
Sharon: That I actually remembered it.
Randy: All right!
Wilson: Can anyone else tell me what it means? Well, now, this is very troubling. How can one act Shakespeare if one does not understand him? We'll have to start at the beginning.
Sharon: Beginning of the play or scene?
Wilson: No. The beginning of Shakespeare's life.

Quote from Tim

Jill: How would you like it if I directed your play?
Randy: I think my mom directing me in a love scene could seriously screw me up for life.
Tim: Honey, honey, honey, he's probably right. I'll direct.
Jill: Shakespeare's pretty deep stuff, Tim.
Tim: Oh, give me a break. "To be or not to be" isn't any deeper than "Does everybody know what time it is?"

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, greetings, my teenage troupe. Does everybody have your kitchen utensil?
Kids: Yeah.
Wilson: Well, I want you to bring them over here, I want you to toss them in this box, and then I want you to forget about them.
Randy: Wilson, you're not making any sense.
Wilson: Well, your father told me that my overzealous pedagogy would only extinguish your Elizabethan exuberance.
Randy: My dad said that?
Wilson: Actually, he said I was being a jackass.
Randy: That's Dad.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Overlapping these panels is an art form.
Al: That's right. And you want to nail these panels right into the stud. Now, you can help yourself by pre-measuring where the studs are on your old siding. Tim, however, already knows...
Tim: Where the stud is. Of course I do. But Al's point is well-taken, 'cause you might inadvertently nail right in through a gas line. [drills]
Al: Or water line.
Tim: Or worse yet, electrical line. [sparks fly]
Al: [screams] Aah!
[As electricity surges through his body, Al is thrown backwards onto a rotating display.]
Tim: Well... aluminum is a great conductor of electricity. Al? You all right, buddy? Al? [turns the display around] Well, at least we know he's "Al-live."

Quote from Jill

[tractor backing up, beeping]
Mark: Is that Dad? [crash]
Tim: [o.s.] Ow!
Mark: That's Dad.
Jill: Yeah. He's building the sets for Randy's school play.
Mark: What does Dad know about Shakespeare?
Jill: About as much as Shakespeare knew about tractor pulls.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Here's the mock-up of the set. The first Romeo and Juliet production where the castle's made entirely of aluminum siding.
Jill: Aluminum siding?
Tim: Yeah. I had a truckload of it. We had tons left after Tool Time.
Jill: So you got aluminum siding, storm windows. Since when did Romeo and Juliet move to the suburbs?
Tim: They were tired of all the sword-fighting downtown.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You called, young Randy?
Randy: What are you doing?
Wilson: Well, I'm practicing walking on hot coals. I'm going to Greece next week for a fire-walking festival.
Randy: Sounds like a hot time.
Wilson: Well, it's a lot more fun than it sounds. Ow, ow, ow!

Quote from Randy

Randy: You know, it's too bad you're busy. I was gonna ask you if you wanted to direct my school play.
Wilson: Romeo and Juliet?
Randy: Yeah. The director had to drop out.
Wilson: Oh, Randy, I'm so sorry. Normally I would just jump at that chance. Oh! Oh, oh! See, it's long been a dream of mine to direct Shakespeare.
Randy: Well, Wilson, this could make your dream come true. Not to mention my dream of kissing Sharon Liebowitz.
Wilson: Well, Randy, even if I agree to do it, how do you know the school will approve?
Randy: Are you kidding me? They'll love the idea. You've got the qualities no one else has.
Wilson: Oh, really? What are they?
Randy: You're available and you're not pregnant.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: See, in order to interpret Shakespeare, you have to have a perspective on the time in which he lived. Now, everybody gather 'round. Gather, gather. Gather. Gather, gather.
Todd: Is this guy for real?
Randy: Don't worry. I'll take care of it.
Wilson: Now, Shakespeare was born at Stratford-on-Avon in 1564.
Randy: And he wrote a lot of plays. Some were funny, some weren't. So let's get started!
Kids: Yeah!
Wilson: No, no, no. Sit, sit, sit. I can understand what you're saying. You're not the analytical types. So, we'll get right back to the play.

Quote from Brad

Brad: Hey, Mom, I'm done with my homework. I'm going to the mall.
Jill: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Hold it! I'll get my keys. I'll drive you over.
Brad: Sorry, Mom. You know the rule. You can't go to the mall until you're done with your homework.
Jill: Why are you suddenly remembering everything I've ever told you?
Brad: 'Cause suddenly it's coming in very handy.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, Romeo. How's the new director?
Randy: Well, let me put it this way. Five minutes after he arrived, I became a radish and got hugged by a giant potato.
Tim: What is this? Dinner theater?

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Tim, it is my job to shape this play as I see fit and protect its integrity. I say we have to change the sets.
Tim: You want me to build new sets?
Wilson: I'm afraid so, Tim. And please, please, please think 14th century. You know, I have to reprimand the costumer. She's got Juliet in a bodice from the 15th century.
Tim: Oh, horrors!
Wilson: Do I detect a note of sarcasm?
Tim: Maybe. I've spent three weeks on these sets. I'm not going to build new ones!
Wilson: As your director, I insist you do!
Tim: Really?
Wilson: Really.
Tim: Well, as your set designer, forget about it. Because I quit!
Wilson: Well, fine, fine, fine, fine!
Tim: Fine, fine, fine!
Wilson: You'll never work in this town again!

Quote from Tim

Brad: I have to write about two English authors.
Jill: Which ones? [Tim enters]
Brad: I have to compare Chaucer to Bacon.
Tim: Chaucer to Bacon. Chaucer to Bacon. No contest. Chaucer has much less fat.

Quote from Tim

Jill: So, how'd it go at school?
Tim: Terrible. Wilson wants me to build new sets.
Jill: Are you serious? After all the work you've done already?
Tim: Well, you know what they say. You can lead a horse to aluminum, but you can't force Italians into a garage.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: You out here, Wilson?
Wilson: Yes, I am, Tim, but I am kind of busy. Thanks to you, I'm not only the play's director, I'm also the set designer, along with many other jobs too numerous to mention.
Tim: I think we should talk about what happened with you and me today.
Wilson: Oh, that's all right, neighbor. It was just that our visions clashed. Happens all the time in the theater. Happened with the costumer. You know, it's not easy firing an eighth grader.
Tim: You fired little Susie Harris?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I had to. A Montague would never wear this to a Capulet's ball.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Wilson, don't you see what's happening here? You're driving everybody crazy.
Wilson: I am?
Tim: I can't believe I'm even saying this. But you're taking all the fun out of Shakespeare.
Wilson: But my only aim was to put on a quality production.
Tim: I know that. And... there might not be a production at all. A lot of kids are thinking of quitting.
Wilson: They are?
Tim: Yeah. Juliet, Romeo... Cappuccino, Montezuma, everybody.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode