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‘Abandoned Family’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Abandoned Family

211. Abandoned Family

Aired December 2, 1992

Tim has to take on more of the household responsibilities when Jill is assigned a cover story at the magazine.

Quote from Al

Al: Well, Tim, I also have a helpful household hint. I'm going to show the audience something you don't ordinarily do with a potato.
Tim: You might wanna keep the kids away from the TV set.
Al: Tim.
Al: Here's a safe way to take a broken bulb from its socket. You simply take a cut potato, jam it into the socket, twist...
Tim: And in minutes you have thousands of curly fries. A wonderful snack for TV time...
Al: Tim. Tim. Tim! I doubted the razor, but I gave it a chance. Please do not mock my potato.
Tim: You say, "potato," I say, "stupid."
Al: Tim, this'll work. You twist, and pull the broken bulb right out of the socket. But first, you must...
Tim: Jam it in the light.
[Sparks fly when Tim sticks the potato into the light. He trembles as he grabs his jacket and walks off set]
Al: Unplug the lamp.

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Quote from Al

Al: Well, Tim... marriage is all about compromise. Give and take. Understanding each other and sharing.
Tim: That was beautiful, Al. Wanna hold hands and sing "Feelings"?
Al: I was just... I was just trying to help.
Tim: I don't need help on my marriage from a guy who hasn't been married.
Al: You think I don't know what it feels like to be married to you?
Tim: Huh?
Al: Sharing a workbench for three long years, and never having you once put the cap back on the epoxy. And don't think that I haven't noticed that you squeeze the tube from the middle instead of the end. These are just some of the things I have to take home with me every night.
Tim: I don't think we should call your segment "Bachelor Corner." We should call it "The Alone and Desperate Corner."

Quote from Jill

Jill: This is a list of all the things that you have to do tomorrow, see? Now, this is the dry-cleaning slip, you gotta pick that up. Then you go to the grocery store. Here's the list for that. Then you gotta make the boys' lunches. Can you put in some celery sticks, or carrot sticks?
Tim: Jill, they don't eat that stuff. They just turn into vegetable missiles in a food fight.
Jill: Honey, I'll be able to relax and work a lot better if I know that you're back here, doing everything the right way.
Tim: You mean your way?
Jill: That's what I said. The right way.

Quote from Tim

Tim: When hanging a light fixture or heavy mirror, what's the first thing we need to do, Al?
Al: Find a stud, Tim.
Tim: And I think we've come to the right place, haven't we? [chuckles] Al, do you recognize this?
Al: Your razor, Tim?
Tim: No, actually, it's your razor, Al. I picked it up backstage. An electric razor can double as a stud finder. [turns it on and holds it near Al] No stud there. Actually, Al's electric razor can be a stud finder. If you listen, the sound of it changes the closer it gets to a stud.
Al: My mother gave me that razor, Tim.
Tim: Why? Did she go back to blades? This razor can not only keep Al's mother whisker-free, it's a handy way to find studs around the house.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Tim, honey, don't use the blue sponge on the counter.
Tim: Huh?
Jill: The blue sponge is for the dishes. The green sponge is for the counter.
Tim: What's the difference?
Jill: Well, you're not supposed to use the same sponge on the counter as the dishes.
Tim: So, the blue sponge is just for the sink?
Jill: No, not always. When the blue sponge gets dirty, it gets demoted from the dishes to the counter. The green sponge gets demoted from the counter to the floor. Then I pull a new one out from here. It might be blue, it might be yellow. [Tim grunts]

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, no. What did you do to my washing machine? Why is it on life support?
Tim: I improved it.
Jill: Unimprove it.
Tim: Come on, honey.
Jill: It has lights?
Tim: Just for effect, OK? I have revolutionized the laundry-care system. Now, stay with me on this, OK? You're watching TV, watching a little football game out there...
Jill: I don't like football.
Tim: All right, all right. You're watching the... opera, and it's 30 to go, all right? You hear the buzzer. Beep! Time to add the fabric softener. You go, "Oh." You don't wanna leave. You'll miss that fat broad with the horns and the high notes, spiking the ball, right? You see what I've got here? Bleach, detergent, fabric softener. On timers and tubes. This adds it by itself, on a time cycle. It's about ready to go, right about...
Jill: I can't believe it. It worked. It actually worked.
Tim: As you see, honey, I've got things under control. So have a nice day.
Jill: It actually worked!
Tim: Have a nice day, honey. And don't sound so shocked.

Quote from Tim

Al: I just think that we have done sheet rock to death.
Tim: "Sheet rock to death." Doesn't sound like you talking, Al. That sounds like Maureen Binford.
Al: Well, she is the producer. And I don't think she wants to do a show on sheet rock.
Tim: I don't give a sheet rock what she wants to do.

Quote from Tim

Maureen Binford: But I do think we should devote the show to more clever household hints. I'm thinking... "The Bachelor Corner, with Al."
Tim: Al?
Maureen Binford: Yeah, you know... How to get spots out with club soda...
Al: Oh, yeah. Or using vinegar and water to clean windows.
Maureen Binford: That's a good one, yes. Or how to iron with wax paper.
Tim: Maureen. This is a man's show. We give man advice. How to pull a nail out of your foot. What to do with a severed finger. Men don't wanna know about ironing.
Maureen Binford: Well, Tim, a lot of men are single.
Al: Yes, they are. And wax paper between the folds when you're ironing really does give you a nice pleat.
Tim: Thank you, Al. I'll remember that next time we do cross-dressing day.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Well, Tim, sometimes it's hard for people to accept new ideas.
Tim: Well, not me. Thank you.
Wilson: Well, you're a very special man, quite like Galileo.
Tim: Yeah. Had his wine.
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. I'm talking about the 17th-century Italian astronomer. He was ridiculed for teaching that the earth revolves around the sun.
Tim: And he believed that?
Wilson: Tim, the earth does revolve around the sun.
Tim: Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure, yeah, it does. It's just we're spinning so we don't notice it.
Wilson: There you go, good neighbor.
Tim: What happened to him?
Wilson: Well, he was threatened with torture and forced to confess that he was wrong.
Tim: That's what Jill would like to do to me. But I'm not confessing anything 'cause I'm not doing anything wrong.
Wilson: Tim, that's not the point of the story.
Tim: I don't care. I'm gonna keep doing things my way because we're getting things done. Thanks a lot, Wilson. [exits]
Wilson: Tim. Tim? Can we talk about compromise?

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right, well, as long as we're both here together, why don't you help me clean up?
Jill: Honey, I think this is the first time that I'm going to let go of something. [eats] Whoa, that icing is really bad.
Tim: That's 'cause it's not icing.
Jill: Huh?
Tim: It's polyvinyl acetate caulking compound. You just weatherproofed your tongue, honey.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, congratulations. You're now the Ping-Pong champion in the Taylor house.
Mark: You let me win.
Tim: I didn't let you win. You got that delicate high slow lob. I lose concentration before it hits the table. It's brilliant.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Where are all the mugs?
Mark: In the sink with the dirty dishes.
Tim: Ah, shucks. I want a cup of coffee.
Mark: Why don't you just wash one?
Tim: Mark, a man never loads a dishwasher till the sink is completely filled. And besides, I just want some coffee, and all I need there is something with a handle. And I think the moo-cow creamer's gonna work. That's good. That's good.

Quote from Tim

Tim: The cover? You've been working a month, you're doing the cover?
Jill: Yes.
Tim: What you gonna do? Tiger Stadium moving? The new riverfront project?
Jill: Compost.
Tim: You're not bringing your work home, are you?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Did you not notice the dirty dishes in the sink?
Tim: I didn't even notice those there.
Mark: But, Dad, you said...
Tim: Eat a grape.

Quote from Tim

Jill: What are you doing?
Tim: [moos] Enjoying a cup of coffee.
Jill: You're sucking coffee out of a cow.
Tim: That way I don't have to add milk.

Quote from Tim

Randy: Mom, we need our pants for football practice.
Jill: Oh, no. I meant to wash those this morning.
Tim: That's OK, I'll take care of it. I'm running things now. Guys, let's go wash those pants.
Jill: Uh, Tim, you know, this is really a complicated deal here. There's two loads, you know. There's the dark load, that needs cold water and this darker-blue bleach, and the white load needs hot water and the white bleach. And you can't forget to add the fabric softener.
Tim: What time is practice?
Brad: 15 minutes.
Tim: [hits the uniforms against the washing machine] That load's done.
Randy: Thanks, Dad.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, where are the boys' lunches?
Tim: I only have two hands, OK? I'll load the dishwasher, then I'll make their lunches.
Jill: No, no, no. Honey, you have to make the lunches and then load the dishwasher.
Tim: What is the difference? [horn honks]
Brad: There's the bus.
Jill: That's the difference.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, no.

Quote from Randy

Tim: Hold on, guys, I got this covered. I'm buying lunch today. Here's two bucks.
Jill: Buy something nutritious.
Randy: Yeah, right.
Tim: Yeah. Go get some carrots out of that vending machine they have.
Randy: Dad, can I have two dollars for Mark? He's outside, waiting for us.
Jill: Make sure he gets it.
Randy: He will.
Jill: Well, at least Mark won't spend the money on junk food.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, I'll make you a gingerbread house.
Mark: Really?
Tim: Yeah. And not just some dinky little house. We'll get a gingerbread full-service truck-and-auto service center.
Mark: Wow!
Tim: Darn right, wow. [grunts] Oh, yeah!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Mark, Mark! This morning I improved the washer, this afternoon, I improve the dryer.
Mark: How?
Tim: Oh-ho-ho-ho... See this? Binford's 20-amp high-density electric motor. Once I attach that to the dryer, it'll spin so fast... You know those cowboys on your P.J.'s? They'll be throwing up in their saddlebags.
Mark: Wow.
Tim: [grunts]

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