Wilson: You see, Tim, once the baby girl comes out of the mother's womb, she spends the rest of her life trying to separate from her.
Tim: They are separate. They live in different states.
Wilson: No, no. No, Tim, I'm talking about emotional separation. You see, subconsciously, Jill may feel that if she doesn't want what her mother gives her, she's being disloyal to the person who gave her life.
Tim: What? Why do women get so confused about this stuff? I lived in a family of all boys. We were very clear about our communication. If I wanted something my brother had, I'd knock him down and take it.
Wilson: Well, that's very effective, but crude.
Tim: Right. You know, I think I could help these two ladies out. If I could just sit them down and tell them exactly what's going on.
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. Throughout history, many truths have passed from man to man, and the one truth that transcends all cultures is: "When mother-in-law visits, man should stay in garage."
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah, I got a lot of work to do on the hot rod. Might as well just close the door and start her up. [grunts]

Lillian: Those Nana jokes on Tool Time were the best motivation a fat person could have.
Tim: What jokes? I wouldn't make jokes about you on the air.
Lillian: Oh, you wouldn't, would you?
Tim: No.
Lillian: Well, does this sound familiar? What weighs 400lbs 2oz and sings in the shower? Nana holding a bar of soap.
Tim: That's funny, though.

Tim: You don't get Tool Time in Texas.
Lillian: We bought a satellite dish.
Tim: Oh.
Lillian: All the neighbors... All the neighbors come over to watch the show. Dad and I are real celebrities.
Tim: Hey, good.
Lillian: Yes. Of course, I tell everyone my son-in-law is Al.

Tim: Welcome back to Tool Time. Now, when selecting your wood for your deck, you want to use cedar or redwood, 'cause they won't rot or decay from the moisture.
Al: That's also why poplar is quite "poplar."
Tim: And once you finish that deck, you've got your springtime there. It's spring, Klaus. How about some springtime? [bird chirping sound] Spring, nice weather, the birds... Hey, hey, hey! [wipes his shoulder] You get your deck finished, you just kick back and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Right, Al?
Al: I wouldn't know, Tim. You're fruiting, I'm still laboring.

Tim: Anyway, Al, as you can see, is bracing and blocking in between the joists here.
Al: That's right. And if you use this procedure, your deck will be able to support a great deal of weight. As many as 12 party guests and a barbecue.
Tim: Or my mother-in-law. Now, next week there'll be no more Nana jokes about her weight. Because they're cheap and easy, and I'm above that.
Al: And she's coming to town next week.
Tim: But that's next week. So this week it's open season on that wildebeest. Al, did I tell you the time that Nana didn't shave her chin for three days, and two bison followed her home?

Tim: They're not really embarrassing. Some of them are really kinda funny. My favorite is when you dove off the high-dive as a kid, and the top of your bathing suit came off and the lifeguards were using them as a slingshot. [laughs] Oh, boy. That wasn't funny at all.
Jill: You see, this is just what I mean. Mom always thinks that stuff like that is funny. And if she knew anything about me, she'd realize that those stories are painful to me.
Tim: If they're so painful, why don't you just tell her that?
Jill: I can't tell my mother.
Tim: [imitates her] Why can't you tell your mother?
Jill: It's old stuff, Tim, you know? Just stay out of it, OK?
Tim: All right, all right. I'm neutral. I'm Switzerland. I have no opinion.

Tim: Birthday boy. Or should I say birthday man? A year older. That peach fuzz is turning into a little five o'clock shadow. [Tim & Mark grunt]
Jill: Oh, I ordered the balloons and the pinata today.
Tim: Well, cancel the order. This kid is the big 0-8. Halfway to driving age. I'm thinking... Indy 500 birthday. Checkered flags, maybe food...
Jill: Ah, I'm starting to get it. We could make a cake in the shape of a car.
Tim: Racecar cake. Oh! Penske Lola chassis, titanium valves and all that stuff. Kevlar tub. [Tim & Mark grunt] Come on, honey. Join in. Let's grunt as a family. [all grunt]

Tim: Hey, guys, come on down here. Hustle up. Half your grandma showed up.

Lillian: Oh, Jill. I can't wait for you to see what I got for you.
Jill: For me?
Lillian: Yes. Since Dad and I are moving into that new condo, I've decided to give you and your sisters some things from the house. Oh, I've picked out something that I know has special meaning for you. Oh, I wonder if those boys can handle that box.
Tim: I'll get it, Mom.
Lillian: No. No. Better not. It's breakable.

Jill: That's not how we do things in my family. We don't talk about our feelings. You know that.
Tim: Yes, I do know that. And this happens every time your mom comes to visit.
Jill: And where does she get off, losing all that weight?
Tim: You said she looks spectacular.
Jill: Feeds me chicken, fried steak and gravy for 20 years. Shows up here all thin, with drums.
Tim: Oh.
Jill: Tells me my house looks... "nice."
Tim: You know, I know what's going on here. You know what's going on here? You know exactly what's go...
Jill: What, Tim?
Tim: I have no opinion.