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‘Much Ado About Nana’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Much Ado About Nana

221. Much Ado About Nana

Aired March 17, 1993

When Jill's mother, Lillian (guest star Polly Holliday), visits for Mark's birthday, Jill wants the house in perfect order.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You see, Tim, once the baby girl comes out of the mother's womb, she spends the rest of her life trying to separate from her.
Tim: They are separate. They live in different states.
Wilson: No, no. No, Tim, I'm talking about emotional separation. You see, subconsciously, Jill may feel that if she doesn't want what her mother gives her, she's being disloyal to the person who gave her life.
Tim: What? Why do women get so confused about this stuff? I lived in a family of all boys. We were very clear about our communication. If I wanted something my brother had, I'd knock him down and take it.
Wilson: Well, that's very effective, but crude.
Tim: Right. You know, I think I could help these two ladies out. If I could just sit them down and tell them exactly what's going on.
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. Throughout history, many truths have passed from man to man, and the one truth that transcends all cultures is: "When mother-in-law visits, man should stay in garage."
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah, I got a lot of work to do on the hot rod. Might as well just close the door and start her up. [grunts]

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Quote from Tim

Lillian: Those Nana jokes on Tool Time were the best motivation a fat person could have.
Tim: What jokes? I wouldn't make jokes about you on the air.
Lillian: Oh, you wouldn't, would you?
Tim: No.
Lillian: Well, does this sound familiar? What weighs 400lbs 2oz and sings in the shower? Nana holding a bar of soap.
Tim: That's funny, though.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You don't get Tool Time in Texas.
Lillian: We bought a satellite dish.
Tim: Oh.
Lillian: All the neighbors... All the neighbors come over to watch the show. Dad and I are real celebrities.
Tim: Hey, good.
Lillian: Yes. Of course, I tell everyone my son-in-law is Al.

Quote from Al

Tim: Welcome back to Tool Time. Now, when selecting your wood for your deck, you want to use cedar or redwood, 'cause they won't rot or decay from the moisture.
Al: That's also why poplar is quite "poplar."
Tim: And once you finish that deck, you've got your springtime there. It's spring, Klaus. How about some springtime? [bird chirping sound] Spring, nice weather, the birds... Hey, hey, hey! [wipes his shoulder] You get your deck finished, you just kick back and enjoy the fruits of your labor. Right, Al?
Al: I wouldn't know, Tim. You're fruiting, I'm still laboring.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Anyway, Al, as you can see, is bracing and blocking in between the joists here.
Al: That's right. And if you use this procedure, your deck will be able to support a great deal of weight. As many as 12 party guests and a barbecue.
Tim: Or my mother-in-law. Now, next week there'll be no more Nana jokes about her weight. Because they're cheap and easy, and I'm above that.
Al: And she's coming to town next week.
Tim: But that's next week. So this week it's open season on that wildebeest. Al, did I tell you the time that Nana didn't shave her chin for three days, and two bison followed her home?

Quote from Tim

Tim: They're not really embarrassing. Some of them are really kinda funny. My favorite is when you dove off the high-dive as a kid, and the top of your bathing suit came off and the lifeguards were using them as a slingshot. [laughs] Oh, boy. That wasn't funny at all.
Jill: You see, this is just what I mean. Mom always thinks that stuff like that is funny. And if she knew anything about me, she'd realize that those stories are painful to me.
Tim: If they're so painful, why don't you just tell her that?
Jill: I can't tell my mother.
Tim: [imitates her] Why can't you tell your mother?
Jill: It's old stuff, Tim, you know? Just stay out of it, OK?
Tim: All right, all right. I'm neutral. I'm Switzerland. I have no opinion.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Birthday boy. Or should I say birthday man? A year older. That peach fuzz is turning into a little five o'clock shadow. [Tim & Mark grunt]
Jill: Oh, I ordered the balloons and the pinata today.
Tim: Well, cancel the order. This kid is the big 0-8. Halfway to driving age. I'm thinking... Indy 500 birthday. Checkered flags, maybe food...
Jill: Ah, I'm starting to get it. We could make a cake in the shape of a car.
Tim: Racecar cake. Oh! Penske Lola chassis, titanium valves and all that stuff. Kevlar tub. [Tim & Mark grunt] Come on, honey. Join in. Let's grunt as a family. [all grunt]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, guys, come on down here. Hustle up. Half your grandma showed up.

Quote from Tim

Lillian: Oh, Jill. I can't wait for you to see what I got for you.
Jill: For me?
Lillian: Yes. Since Dad and I are moving into that new condo, I've decided to give you and your sisters some things from the house. Oh, I've picked out something that I know has special meaning for you. Oh, I wonder if those boys can handle that box.
Tim: I'll get it, Mom.
Lillian: No. No. Better not. It's breakable.

Quote from Jill

Jill: That's not how we do things in my family. We don't talk about our feelings. You know that.
Tim: Yes, I do know that. And this happens every time your mom comes to visit.
Jill: And where does she get off, losing all that weight?
Tim: You said she looks spectacular.
Jill: Feeds me chicken, fried steak and gravy for 20 years. Shows up here all thin, with drums.
Tim: Oh.
Jill: Tells me my house looks... "nice."
Tim: You know, I know what's going on here. You know what's going on here? You know exactly what's go...
Jill: What, Tim?
Tim: I have no opinion.

Quote from Jill

Lillian: There, now. I think that looks lovely.
Tim: Yeah. Now we have a tea set, but we don't know what teatime is without a clock. [Jill shakes her head] Lillian, do you know what time it is?
Lillian: Uh, no, I didn't put on my watch today.
Tim: Gosh darn it.
Jill: There's a clock right here on the oven, Tim.
Tim: I know, but those oven clocks are so small. What we need is a big old antique clock.
Jill: Go to London.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Boy, you are just the man I wanna see.
Tim: Yeah?
Wilson: I've got a birthday present for Mark.
Tim: Oh, that's nice of you, but I don't think I want to pierce his ears so early.
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, Tim. It's not an earring. It's a dream catcher. Children of the Chippewa Indians hang them in their window at night to catch the bad dreams. Then in the morning the sunshine whisks the bad dreams away.
Tim: You got anything that'll whisk a mother-in-law away?
Wilson: Nana problems, Tim?
Tim: Nah, nah.

Quote from Tim

Lillian: Well, all right, but if you and Jill are having problems...
Tim: It's not between me and Jill. It's between you and Jill.
Lillian: What are you talking about?
Tim: She doesn't want the tea set, she wants the clock.
Lillian: The clock?
Tim: Yeah.
Lillian: Well, why didn't she just tell me?
Tim: Well, I just don't know. It's a mother-daughter emotional separation thing, or something. I came from a family of all guys. We were very clear about our emotional separations. I hit my brother, I laugh, he cries.
Lillian: What?
Tim: I can't explain it. You gotta read the book Hey, Mother, I'm Selfish.

Quote from Jill

Jill: It's no big deal, Mom. It doesn't matter.
Lillian: Well, apparently it is. He says that we don't talk, that we don't share feelings. Now, that's not true, is it?
Jill: Well, in a way, Mom. I mean, you're always the one that's saying we shouldn't get emotional.
Lillian: When did I ever say anything like that?
Jill: All the time.
Lillian: When?
Jill: OK. For example... There was that time in Virginia. I was playing in the sandbox and you came up to tell me that we were moving for the third time in two years, and I started to cry. And you said, "Don't get emotional. Crying isn't going to help. We're a military family, this is who we are."
Lillian: Well, I'm sorry, honey, but I don't remember that.
Jill: It was an important conversation, Mom.
Lillian: Jill, I had five daughters. There were lots of important conversations.

Quote from Jill

Lillian: Now, you just hold it right there, young lady. Now, all that moving was hard on the whole family, and your father knew that. Seeing us upset would have made things worse for him. We all had to be good little soldiers.
Jill: Yeah. Yeah, I remember all that "good little soldier" stuff. Having to keep the house in perfect shape. Lining us up in our perfect little dresses with all the other officers' kids.
Lillian: Yes, that's right. We were mean, lean and clean. But we had fun, too. You and your sisters played hopscotch and jacks just like all the other little girls. You and I had our teatime.
Jill: We had our what?
Lillian: Teatime. We'd have tea and cookies, but I'd tell you we were having tea and crumpets. [chuckles] Then when your father came home you'd tell him we had tea and puppets.
Jill: "Tea and puppets"? I said that? That is so cute. How could you stand me?
Lillian: Sometimes I couldn't.
Jill: So that's why you wanted me to have the tea set?
Lillian: Well, yes. I... I know you look at that tea set and you see some old cups and a chipped saucer, but I look at that tea set and I see you.

Quote from Tim

Al: Tim, I believe our show today is about decks.
Tim: That's right. And I certainly know my way around a deck. Let's get into the construction technique, can we? Now, the footing here holds the post. The post is connected to the beam. The beam is connected to the joist. The joist is connected to the hipbone. The hipbone's connected to the thighbone. Al, take it. Come on, buddy.
Al: Not in this life, Tim.
Tim: And once you get your deck finished, it's solid enough even Nana could jump on this thing.
Al: Tim, you don't... No, you don't... [Tim catapults a can into the air when he stomps on an unfinished board]
Tim: Binford Sealant. You can pick it up at your local store.

Quote from Jill

Brad: Hi, Mom. Is Nana here yet?
Jill: No, not yet. Don't put your books on the table! Don't walk on the floor, I just mopped it.
Tim: Hi, guys.
Jill: Freeze.
Tim: Oh, lady, lady. Come on. All the dust I have is in my back pocket, right there. I got a little extra lint in my bellybutton.
Jill: I've just mopped the floor. I don't want you to walk on it. Take off your shoes. Hey, guys, take all of that stuff upstairs and hide it.
Tim: [whistles] Every time your mom comes here, you turn into Helga the psycho-cleaner.
Jill: I do not. I'm just tidying up a bit. Don't touch that. You're gonna get fingerprints all over it.
Tim: How do you see out of the back of your head?

Quote from Tim

Jill: That's my mom. Brad. Randy. Mark. Uh, go and comb your hair. Tim?
Tim: I have no opinion.
Jill: Good.
Tim: She's a little early. I didn't have time to widen the doorframe.
Jill: No more fat jokes.

Quote from Jill

Lillian: Ta-da!
Tim: Whoa! Where's the rest of you? Are you coming in shifts?

Quote from Tim

Tim: You do look sensational. I can't remember being able to hug you and touch my hand.

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