Wilson: You know, closing up the old childhood home can be a traumatic thing. I know it was for me.
Tim: A lot of memories?
Wilson: Yeah, they're still vivid. Waking up to the sound of a hyena laughing. The sweet smell of hay as the zebra grazed. The sight of a mother rhinoceros feeding her calf.
Tim: Uh, you... you were raised in Africa?
Wilson: Chicago. In an apartment overlooking the zoo.

Jill: How are you, honey?
Tim: I'm good. I was just thinking how much I'm like this house.
Marty: You mean you both have old, leaky pipes?
Tim: I'm speaking metaphorically.
Jeff: Metaphorically? You actually know what that means?
Tim: I have a neighbor who explains stuff like this to me.

Tim: So, Wilson, what are you doing?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm carving a nativity scene out of giant radishes. What do you think of my Three Wise Men?
Tim: I think they should come bearing onion dip.
Wilson: [chuckles] See, this is part of the Mexican custom of Noche de Rabanos.
Tim: Um... Night of the Bathroom?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, Tim. Night of the Radishes. You see, every Christmas, farming families would head into town and display their tuberous creations.

Al: Well, [sighs] I shall just head up to the roof.
Tim: I'll just be down here collecting the soot, Al. All right, there's two things to tell about cleaning a chimney.
[phone rings] Whose job was it to unplug the phone? Would somebody answer that, please?
Randy: I'll get it.
Tim: Thank you. OK, there's two things I'm gonna tell you about cleaning out a chimney.
Randy: Dad, it's Grandma. She wants to know whether we're coming up Saturday or Sunday.
Tim: Tell her Saturday. All right, there's two things about cleaning out your chimney.
Randy: What time on Saturday?
Tim: Eight o'clock. Don't you hate when your mom calls you and you're working on a live TV show? There's two things...
Randy: Should she make breakfast for us?
Tim: [sighs] Mom, do you know I'm working on a live TV show here?
Randy: Yeah, and she says your fly's undone.
Tim: What? [looks down]
Randy: Grandma says, "Got ya."

Wilson: Which reminds me, I guess you're going to be heading out of town to help your mother move.
Tim: Yep. Tomorrow morning, 5 am. Jill and the boys and Marty's coming, and my brother Jeff's going to meet us.
Wilson: Jeff. He's the one who's parsimonious?
Tim: No, he's Presbyterian.
Wilson: No, I mean parsimonious as in frugal.
Tim: [scoffs] Frugal's not the word for Jeff. This guy recycles his dental floss.

Tim: Well, it's gonna be weird moving her out of that house. But moving her down here is gonna allow me to do something I've always wanted to do.
Wilson: Spend more time with her?
Tim: No, drive a really big truck. [grunts]

Tim: Boy, I love this truck! [horn blares]
Jill: Stop that!
Tim: This is just great. Five-speed tranny, five-ton big Detroit diesel. This is gonna be the greatest day of my life. [grunts]
Jill: Tim, you are driving too fast.
Tim: If I were alone, this could be the greatest day of my life.

Randy: Hey, step on it, Uncle Marty. Dad's getting away from us.
Marty: [chuckles] Who would have thought a truck that big could go that fast?
Brad: I can't believe we have to spend part of our Christmas break helping Grandma move.
Marty: Oh, come on! What else would you guys be doing?
Brad: Hanging out with my girlfriend.
Randy: Going to parties.
Mark: Seeing all the new movies.
Marty: Anybody interested in switching lives?

Tim: [over radio] Breaker, breaker.
Man: Go ahead, Murray.
Tim: You got The Tool Man about 55 miles outside of the Motor City. Come back.
Man: I'm at your front door about two yardsticks. Watch out for the road pizza in the granny.
Jill: "Road pizza in the granny?"
Tim: Dead animal in the slow lane. Come on!
Jill: How do you know that?
Tim: 'Cause every time I get a haircut I read Big Rig Digest.
Tim: Okay, in about 30, I'm gonna need a motion lotion and a pickle park. Come back. [to Jill] That's a restaurant and a gas station.
Man: There's a gas station just ahead of you. I'll have to get back to you on the hookers.

Lucille: You know, I didn't expect you here so soon.
Jill: Tim decided to go for the big-rig speed record.
Tim: Why are all these boxes marked "fragile?"
Lucille: Well, I didn't know which ones you'd be handling.