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‘No Place Like Home’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: No Place Like Home

612. No Place Like Home

Aired December 17, 1996

Tim and the family help Lucille pack up as she prepares to move out of the old family home.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, closing up the old childhood home can be a traumatic thing. I know it was for me.
Tim: A lot of memories?
Wilson: Yeah, they're still vivid. Waking up to the sound of a hyena laughing. The sweet smell of hay as the zebra grazed. The sight of a mother rhinoceros feeding her calf.
Tim: Uh, you... you were raised in Africa?
Wilson: Chicago. In an apartment overlooking the zoo.

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Quote from Tim

Jill: How are you, honey?
Tim: I'm good. I was just thinking how much I'm like this house.
Marty: You mean you both have old, leaky pipes?
Tim: I'm speaking metaphorically.
Jeff: Metaphorically? You actually know what that means?
Tim: I have a neighbor who explains stuff like this to me.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: So, Wilson, what are you doing?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm carving a nativity scene out of giant radishes. What do you think of my Three Wise Men?
Tim: I think they should come bearing onion dip.
Wilson: [chuckles] See, this is part of the Mexican custom of Noche de Rabanos.
Tim: Um... Night of the Bathroom?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, Tim. Night of the Radishes. You see, every Christmas, farming families would head into town and display their tuberous creations.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, [sighs] I shall just head up to the roof.
Tim: I'll just be down here collecting the soot, Al. All right, there's two things to tell about cleaning a chimney.
[phone rings] Whose job was it to unplug the phone? Would somebody answer that, please?
Randy: I'll get it.
Tim: Thank you. OK, there's two things I'm gonna tell you about cleaning out a chimney.
Randy: Dad, it's Grandma. She wants to know whether we're coming up Saturday or Sunday.
Tim: Tell her Saturday. All right, there's two things about cleaning out your chimney.
Randy: What time on Saturday?
Tim: Eight o'clock. Don't you hate when your mom calls you and you're working on a live TV show? There's two things...
Randy: Should she make breakfast for us?
Tim: [sighs] Mom, do you know I'm working on a live TV show here?
Randy: Yeah, and she says your fly's undone.
Tim: What? [looks down]
Randy: Grandma says, "Got ya."

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Which reminds me, I guess you're going to be heading out of town to help your mother move.
Tim: Yep. Tomorrow morning, 5 am. Jill and the boys and Marty's coming, and my brother Jeff's going to meet us.
Wilson: Jeff. He's the one who's parsimonious?
Tim: No, he's Presbyterian.
Wilson: No, I mean parsimonious as in frugal.
Tim: [scoffs] Frugal's not the word for Jeff. This guy recycles his dental floss.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, it's gonna be weird moving her out of that house. But moving her down here is gonna allow me to do something I've always wanted to do.
Wilson: Spend more time with her?
Tim: No, drive a really big truck. [grunts]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Boy, I love this truck! [horn blares]
Jill: Stop that!
Tim: This is just great. Five-speed tranny, five-ton big Detroit diesel. This is gonna be the greatest day of my life. [grunts]
Jill: Tim, you are driving too fast.
Tim: If I were alone, this could be the greatest day of my life.

Quote from Marty

Randy: Hey, step on it, Uncle Marty. Dad's getting away from us.
Marty: [chuckles] Who would have thought a truck that big could go that fast?
Brad: I can't believe we have to spend part of our Christmas break helping Grandma move.
Marty: Oh, come on! What else would you guys be doing?
Brad: Hanging out with my girlfriend.
Randy: Going to parties.
Mark: Seeing all the new movies.
Marty: Anybody interested in switching lives?

Quote from Tim

Tim: [over radio] Breaker, breaker.
Man: Go ahead, Murray.
Tim: You got The Tool Man about 55 miles outside of the Motor City. Come back.
Man: I'm at your front door about two yardsticks. Watch out for the road pizza in the granny.
Jill: "Road pizza in the granny?"
Tim: Dead animal in the slow lane. Come on!
Jill: How do you know that?
Tim: 'Cause every time I get a haircut I read Big Rig Digest.
Tim: Okay, in about 30, I'm gonna need a motion lotion and a pickle park. Come back. [to Jill] That's a restaurant and a gas station.
Man: There's a gas station just ahead of you. I'll have to get back to you on the hookers.

Quote from Tim

Lucille: You know, I didn't expect you here so soon.
Jill: Tim decided to go for the big-rig speed record.
Tim: Why are all these boxes marked "fragile?"
Lucille: Well, I didn't know which ones you'd be handling.

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