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‘No Place Like Home’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: No Place Like Home

612. No Place Like Home

Aired December 17, 1996

Tim and the family help Lucille pack up as she prepares to move out of the old family home.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, closing up the old childhood home can be a traumatic thing. I know it was for me.
Tim: A lot of memories?
Wilson: Yeah, they're still vivid. Waking up to the sound of a hyena laughing. The sweet smell of hay as the zebra grazed. The sight of a mother rhinoceros feeding her calf.
Tim: Uh, you... you were raised in Africa?
Wilson: Chicago. In an apartment overlooking the zoo.

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Quote from Tim

Jill: How are you, honey?
Tim: I'm good. I was just thinking how much I'm like this house.
Marty: You mean you both have old, leaky pipes?
Tim: I'm speaking metaphorically.
Jeff: Metaphorically? You actually know what that means?
Tim: I have a neighbor who explains stuff like this to me.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, [sighs] I shall just head up to the roof.
Tim: I'll just be down here collecting the soot, Al. All right, there's two things to tell about cleaning a chimney.
[phone rings] Whose job was it to unplug the phone? Would somebody answer that, please?
Randy: I'll get it.
Tim: Thank you. OK, there's two things I'm gonna tell you about cleaning out a chimney.
Randy: Dad, it's Grandma. She wants to know whether we're coming up Saturday or Sunday.
Tim: Tell her Saturday. All right, there's two things about cleaning out your chimney.
Randy: What time on Saturday?
Tim: Eight o'clock. Don't you hate when your mom calls you and you're working on a live TV show? There's two things...
Randy: Should she make breakfast for us?
Tim: [sighs] Mom, do you know I'm working on a live TV show here?
Randy: Yeah, and she says your fly's undone.
Tim: What? [looks down]
Randy: Grandma says, "Got ya."

Quote from Wilson

Tim: So, Wilson, what are you doing?
Wilson: Well, Tim, I'm carving a nativity scene out of giant radishes. What do you think of my Three Wise Men?
Tim: I think they should come bearing onion dip.
Wilson: [chuckles] See, this is part of the Mexican custom of Noche de Rabanos.
Tim: Um... Night of the Bathroom?
Wilson: No, no, no, no, no, Tim. Night of the Radishes. You see, every Christmas, farming families would head into town and display their tuberous creations.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Which reminds me, I guess you're going to be heading out of town to help your mother move.
Tim: Yep. Tomorrow morning, 5 am. Jill and the boys and Marty's coming, and my brother Jeff's going to meet us.
Wilson: Jeff. He's the one who's parsimonious?
Tim: No, he's Presbyterian.
Wilson: No, I mean parsimonious as in frugal.
Tim: [scoffs] Frugal's not the word for Jeff. This guy recycles his dental floss.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, it's gonna be weird moving her out of that house. But moving her down here is gonna allow me to do something I've always wanted to do.
Wilson: Spend more time with her?
Tim: No, drive a really big truck. [grunts]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Boy, I love this truck! [horn blares]
Jill: Stop that!
Tim: This is just great. Five-speed tranny, five-ton big Detroit diesel. This is gonna be the greatest day of my life. [grunts]
Jill: Tim, you are driving too fast.
Tim: If I were alone, this could be the greatest day of my life.

Quote from Marty

Randy: Hey, step on it, Uncle Marty. Dad's getting away from us.
Marty: [chuckles] Who would have thought a truck that big could go that fast?
Brad: I can't believe we have to spend part of our Christmas break helping Grandma move.
Marty: Oh, come on! What else would you guys be doing?
Brad: Hanging out with my girlfriend.
Randy: Going to parties.
Mark: Seeing all the new movies.
Marty: Anybody interested in switching lives?

Quote from Tim

Tim: [over radio] Breaker, breaker.
Man: Go ahead, Murray.
Tim: You got The Tool Man about 55 miles outside of the Motor City. Come back.
Man: I'm at your front door about two yardsticks. Watch out for the road pizza in the granny.
Jill: "Road pizza in the granny?"
Tim: Dead animal in the slow lane. Come on!
Jill: How do you know that?
Tim: 'Cause every time I get a haircut I read Big Rig Digest.
Tim: Okay, in about 30, I'm gonna need a motion lotion and a pickle park. Come back. [to Jill] That's a restaurant and a gas station.
Man: There's a gas station just ahead of you. I'll have to get back to you on the hookers.

Quote from Tim

Lucille: You know, I didn't expect you here so soon.
Jill: Tim decided to go for the big-rig speed record.
Tim: Why are all these boxes marked "fragile?"
Lucille: Well, I didn't know which ones you'd be handling.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Wow. Seeing all these boxes brings back so many painful memories. When I was a kid we moved, like...
Lucille: We know, dear. Eight times.

Quote from Tim

Jeff: Hey, hey, little brother.
Tim: Well?
Jeff: Gee, I didn't recognize you without a head wound.
Tim: Well, I did recognize you because you're still bald.
Jeff: How many times do I have to tell you? I'm not bald, I'm taller than my hair.
Tim: You know what? That's not it. In this light, you've actually gotten a little uglier.
Jeff: Uglier. Ah, the Tim Taylor wit, huh? lmmature and yet, uh, not funny. [flicks Tim's nose]

Quote from Tim

Tim: This is everything. This is the bedroom, the den, the kitchen, that dining room addition...
Marty: Yeah. Look at the details Dad put in. He must have loved doing this, you klnow. Crown molding in all the rooms, tongue-and-groove on all the floors.
Tim: You're too young to remember, but Dad hand-rebuilt that mantelpiece.
Jeff: Well, he had to after you tried to use the propane tank as a fire poker.
Tim: Last time I saw these plans, I was helping Dad build this staircase. Solid maple. He let me turn one of these balusters, install it myself. [Marty knocks a baluster off] They're fine if you don't touch them, Marty.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Remember sliding down this banister, guys?
Marty: Oh, yeah. Of course, I also remember there was only one of us dumb enough to go down facing forward.
Tim: Anybody can do it backwards. Mom was wrong too. I was still able to have children.
Jeff: Yeah, but look at 'em.

Quote from Tim

Greg: We need to do it before Monday because we have a crew to rip up the floors.
Tim: You're going to rip up the floors? These are tongue-and-groove wood floors.
Lisa: Well, we prefer ceramic tile.
Tim: Ceramic tile doesn't really go with anything else in the house.
Greg: Oh, it will when we're done.
Tim: What else are you gonna do?
Greg: We're taking out all the old stuff, like that fireplace.
Tim: That fireplace is hand-built. It's one of a kind.
Lisa: Well, we just want to give it a contemporary feeling, you know. We're going to put in floor-to-ceiling mirrors.
Tim: Ah! Go for that fun house look.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What are you measuring the staircase for? You're not taking this out, are you?
Lisa: Actually, we were going to replace it with wrought iron.
Tim: Oh, yeah. That wrought iron and mirror, there's a handsome look. Yeah. Put in a front desk, some fake ferns and a bellhop, you got a hotel lobby.
Greg: You know, maybe we should come back another time.
Lisa: You know what? I'm really sorry that we bothered you.
Tim: This is real craftsmanship in this house, you know. My father and I built this staircase by hand. This house is perfect the way it is!
[When Tim slams the front door, a baluster pops off the staircase]

Quote from Tim

Lucille: Who was that at the door, Tim?
Tim: Mr. and Mrs. Motel 6.
Lucille: Who?
Tim: The new owners. You know what they want to do to this place?
Lucille: Yeah, they mentioned a few things. Ceramic tile, wrought-iron staircase.
Tim: And that's OK with you?
Lucille: Well, it's their house. They can do whatever they want with it.
Tim: You lived here 42 years and you let people buy the house that are just gonna tear it apart?
Lucille: Well, what was I supposed to do?
Tim: Background check? Find out how their values are, whether they're pro or anti tongue-and-groove.
Lucille: Tim, I sold them the house. I didn't put it up for adoption.

Quote from Tim

Tim: The people that are buying this house are gonna rip out the floor, take out the mantel, the staircase.
Jill: The staircase?
Tim: They're tearing down the house that I grew up in.
Jill: Oh, no, that's awful. I'm so sorry.
Tim: Now I know how bad Wilson felt when he took his Mexican radishes and left the zoo.
Jill: What?

Quote from Tim

Lucille: Do you remember the Christmas after Marty was born?
Tim: Do l? We're upstairs babysitting, his belly button falls off. Scared the hell out of all of us. "Mom, you had better get up here. I think this kid's falling apart." That was the... that was the Christmas I helped Dad finish the staircase.
[flashback:]
Michael Taylor: Hey, Tim. Tim.
Young Tim: [o.s.] Yeah, Dad?
Michael Taylor: I want to check your measurements for the carpeting for the stairs.
Young Tim: You don't have to. I already cut it.
Michael Taylor: [grunts] Oh, no.
Young Tim: Don't worry. I know what I'm doing. [unrolls carpet] [grunts] Oh, no.
Michael Taylor: Tim, what did I tell you? You gotta measure twice and cut once. Plus, I didn't ask you to cut it, son.
Young Tim: Sorry. I guess I messed up again.
Michael Taylor: Ah, it's all right. Working with tools, it's not for everybody and, well, when you grow up you'll find something that's more suitable for you.
Lucille: [o.s.] Michael, Tim, time to get ready for dinner.
Young Tim: I can smell the turkey burning.
Michael Taylor: Son, there is nothing like your mother's turkey. All dark meat.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome back to a very special Tool Time live from my house. It's Christmas, time to think about cleaning out that chimney.
Al: Cheerio, Timothy.
Tim: Frosted Flakes to you, Al.
Al: Well, Tim is right. A dirty chimney can cause smoke to back up into your house. Or worse yet, creosote can build up and cause a fire.
Tim: And if you don't use your fireplace, there might be animals making nests in there. You got to check that out.
Al: That's right. You don't wanna light up your Yule log and end up barbecuing a possum.
Tim: Not unless you're Jed Clampett. He's a millionaire, you know.

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