Jill: Actually, honey. I think that those guys at the mall are Santa's helpers, you know. The way that AI is Daddy's helper.
Tim: Right.
Mark: So they do all the work.
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: They assist Santa. Like AI assists me.
Mark: Oh, that makes sense.

Randy: OK, fine. Here's the truth. There used to be a Santa Claus. But he died six years ago.
Brad: Yep, you just missed out.
Mark: Santa Claus isn't dead.
Randy: Yes, he is. He had a terrible accident with one of his reindeer. Blitzen fell on him.
Mark: He's really dead?
Brad: Kicked the bucket.
Randy: Bought the dirt farm.
Brad: Six feet under.
Randy: Pushing up the daisies.
Brad: Deader than a doornail.
Randy: Stiff as a board.
Brad: Cold as ice.
Randy: Met his maker.

Al: Well, in the meantime, why don't we look at some stocking stuffers from Binford?
Heidi: This year, say "Merry Christmas" with how-to videos starring Tim and Al.
Al: That's right. Show your loved ones how to get rid of that annoying hum from lights in Silence of the Lamps.
Heidi: And learn when to use nails instead of adhesives in Glueless.
Al: And my personal favorite, The Nutty Compressor. They loved this one in France.

Tim: This will be my most exciting lighting display ever. The guys at the power plant will be working overtime for this bad boy, huh?
Mark: Uh, you might want to read this flyer. I found it in the mailbox. It's from the lighting contest committee.
Tim: "Because certain rooftop displays have continually exceeded the bounds of prudent energy consumption and good taste, this year's lighting contest will be strictly regulated"?!
Randy: They're pulling the plug on you, Dad.
Tim: What makes you think this has to do with me?
Randy: It says right here, "To be referred to, henceforth, as the Tim Taylor clause".
Tim: This is bunk. This is bunk. Come on! "Electricity is limited to two 20-amp breakers." Who can work with that? "No bulbs over 25 watts." Ha, ha! "Maximum height of elves, three feet." What kind of elf is three foot tall?
Brad: Yeah, well, this one's gonna kill you. "Nativity scenes may include only characters specifically mentioned in the Bible."
Randy: Which means no more Three Stooges.
Tim: Those were the Three Wise Men.
Randy: Oh, really? Then why were they poking each other in the eye?
Tim: To break up the trip.

Brad: But, Mom, I don't wanna go another time. It's gonna be great skiing conditions. A lot of kids from school are gonna be there.
Jill: Honey, I can tell this is important to you, but this family is always together at Christmas. Even that year when your father fell down the chimney, we were together. We were in the emergency room, but we were together.

Heidi: Merry Christmas and welcome to Tool Time. We're live on Al's rooftop. Now, here's the star of the show, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Tim: Thank you, Heidi. I am Tim... Well, "The Yule Man" Taylor. And, of course, you all know my assistant, Al "Be Home for Christmas Just Like Every Other Night" Borland.

Wilson: Well, who says he doesn't exist, Tim? I believe it was Hamlet who put it best when he said: "There are more things in heaven and earth, good neighbor, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
Tim: But Brad and Randy already said he was dead.
Wilson: Technically, that's true. He died in the year 342.
Tim: Well, then, who's at the mall?
Wilson: Oh, no, Tim. I'm talking about the original Santa Claus. St Nicholas, the bishop of Myra in Asia Minor. He used to go around to the houses of the poor people, on his donkey, with bags of gold, and drop them down the chimney.
Tim: Why would he drop donkeys down the chimney?
Wilson: I'm talking about the bags of gold, Tim.
Tim: Well, hopefully he can put a remote-controlled dinosaur down my chimney for Mark, because the stores are sold out of them.
Wilson: Well, maybe Santa Claus might bring it to him.
Tim: I thought you said Santa was dead.
Wilson: Ah, but Tim, the spirit of Santa lives on. It lives in all of us. Well, I must get back to my chestnuts roasting on an open fire. [chuckles] You know, that reminds me of a song. On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me A partridge in a pear tree On the second day of Christmas...

Jill: How did the tryouts for the Christmas pageant go?
Brad: Terrible. I'm a shepherd again.
Jill: Oh, well, honey, the shepherd is a very important part of the Christmas story.
Brad: I don't have any lines.
Randy: That's because you blew it, you stooge. He was trying out for one of the wise men, and he said they were carrying gold and Frankenstein.

Tim: You a little confused on the holidays?
Wilson: Hmm?
Tim: Halloween's over. You can put away the witch's broom.
Wilson: Oh, Tim, this is not a witch's broom. This is a julenek.
Tim: A what-a-nek?
Wilson: A julenek. It's a Scandinavian Christmas tradition. Families bind sheaves of grain to a long spruce pole, and that provides nourishment for the sparrows in the winter.
Tim: I wish I could bind up Doc Johnson and twist his little julenek.
Wilson: Well, Tim, that's hardly the Christmas spirit.

Jill: You look terrific. Now, let me hear you say your line.
Randy: [flatly] There's no room at the inn.
Jill: Honey, I think you need to say it with a little more feeling.
Randy: [wails] There's no room at the inn. [sobs]