Jill: Actually, honey. I think that those guys at the mall are Santa's helpers, you know. The way that AI is Daddy's helper.
Tim: Right.
Mark: So they do all the work.
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: They assist Santa. Like AI assists me.
Mark: Oh, that makes sense.

Randy: OK, fine. Here's the truth. There used to be a Santa Claus. But he died six years ago.
Brad: Yep, you just missed out.
Mark: Santa Claus isn't dead.
Randy: Yes, he is. He had a terrible accident with one of his reindeer. Blitzen fell on him.
Mark: He's really dead?
Brad: Kicked the bucket.
Randy: Bought the dirt farm.
Brad: Six feet under.
Randy: Pushing up the daisies.
Brad: Deader than a doornail.
Randy: Stiff as a board.
Brad: Cold as ice.
Randy: Met his maker.

Wilson: Well, who says he doesn't exist, Tim? I believe it was Hamlet who put it best when he said: "There are more things in heaven and earth, good neighbor, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
Tim: But Brad and Randy already said he was dead.
Wilson: Technically, that's true. He died in the year 342.
Tim: Well, then, who's at the mall?
Wilson: Oh, no, Tim. I'm talking about the original Santa Claus. St Nicholas, the bishop of Myra in Asia Minor. He used to go around to the houses of the poor people, on his donkey, with bags of gold, and drop them down the chimney.
Tim: Why would he drop donkeys down the chimney?
Wilson: I'm talking about the bags of gold, Tim.
Tim: Well, hopefully he can put a remote-controlled dinosaur down my chimney for Mark, because the stores are sold out of them.
Wilson: Well, maybe Santa Claus might bring it to him.
Tim: I thought you said Santa was dead.
Wilson: Ah, but Tim, the spirit of Santa lives on. It lives in all of us. Well, I must get back to my chestnuts roasting on an open fire. [chuckles] You know, that reminds me of a song. On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me A partridge in a pear tree On the second day of Christmas...

Jill: Well, just don't set fire to the roof, like you did last year.
Tim: I didn't set fire. It was an electrical short.
Jill: Well, I just don't want to have to drive you to the emergency room again.
Tim: Wait. Wait a minute. Except for last year, when was the last time you drove me to the emergency room?
Jill: The eighties.
Tim: You mess up one decade and you'll never let me forget it.

Jill: How did the tryouts for the Christmas pageant go?
Brad: Terrible. I'm a shepherd again.
Jill: Oh, well, honey, the shepherd is a very important part of the Christmas story.
Brad: I don't have any lines.
Randy: That's because you blew it, you stooge. He was trying out for one of the wise men, and he said they were carrying gold and Frankenstein.

Jill: You look terrific. Now, let me hear you say your line.
Randy: [flatly] There's no room at the inn.
Jill: Honey, I think you need to say it with a little more feeling.
Randy: [wails] There's no room at the inn. [sobs]

Brad: Mark, what are you doing?
Mark: Making out my list for Santa Claus.
Brad: Are you kidding? Mom and Dad aren't gonna buy you all this stuff.
Mark: Why should they? Santa will make it.
Brad: Mark, are you gonna be a dork your whole life?
Mark: I hope not.

Tim: How many lines does the stupid innkeeper have?
Randy: One lousy line.
All: "There's no room at the inn."
Tim: Got an idea. Right after you say your line, "There's no room at the inn", add this: "You should have called our 1-800 reservation hotline."

Jill: This is your cape. Just put this around you.
Randy: Mom, this is gold. I'm just an innkeeper.
Jill: Hey, you are a very successful innkeeper. Now, this is just great. That's gonna really look good with the hat that I got you. [laughs] Perfect.
Tim: Hi, Jill. Hello, Ali Baba.
Randy: Dad.
Jill: He's an innkeeper.
Tim: Well, what inn are Mary and Joseph staying at this year? Caesar's Palace?

Tim: Hi, Wilson. Do you have that old diesel generator? I'm gonna light up this revolving Santa on my roof.
Wilson: I'm sorry, Tim. I loaned that to the good doctor.
Tim: What?
Wilson: Oh, he did ask for it first. I could give you some tinsel and a nine-volt battery.
Tim: That's pretty funny, Wilson.
Wilson: Tim, I sense some competition between you and the good doctor.
Tim: No, I'm just decorating my house. I notice you don't decorate your house at Christmas, though.
Wilson: Well, actually, Tim. I decorate within. I have a tree in my heart, a wreath in my mind, and a star in my soul.
Tim: And you plug it in your bellybutton.