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‘Yule Better Watch Out’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Yule Better Watch Out

112. Yule Better Watch Out

Aired December 17, 1991

While Tim gets competitive with a lighting contest and Jill focuses on the boys' Christmas pageant, Brad and Randy tell Mark that Santa is dead.

Quote from Mark

Jill: Actually, honey. I think that those guys at the mall are Santa's helpers, you know. The way that AI is Daddy's helper.
Tim: Right.
Mark: So they do all the work.
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: They assist Santa. Like AI assists me.
Mark: Oh, that makes sense.

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Quote from Randy

Randy: OK, fine. Here's the truth. There used to be a Santa Claus. But he died six years ago.
Brad: Yep, you just missed out.
Mark: Santa Claus isn't dead.
Randy: Yes, he is. He had a terrible accident with one of his reindeer. Blitzen fell on him.
Mark: He's really dead?
Brad: Kicked the bucket.
Randy: Bought the dirt farm.
Brad: Six feet under.
Randy: Pushing up the daisies.
Brad: Deader than a doornail.
Randy: Stiff as a board.
Brad: Cold as ice.
Randy: Met his maker.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, who says he doesn't exist, Tim? I believe it was Hamlet who put it best when he said: "There are more things in heaven and earth, good neighbor, than are dreamt of in your philosophy."
Tim: But Brad and Randy already said he was dead.
Wilson: Technically, that's true. He died in the year 342.
Tim: Well, then, who's at the mall?
Wilson: Oh, no, Tim. I'm talking about the original Santa Claus. St Nicholas, the bishop of Myra in Asia Minor. He used to go around to the houses of the poor people, on his donkey, with bags of gold, and drop them down the chimney.
Tim: Why would he drop donkeys down the chimney?
Wilson: I'm talking about the bags of gold, Tim.
Tim: Well, hopefully he can put a remote-controlled dinosaur down my chimney for Mark, because the stores are sold out of them.
Wilson: Well, maybe Santa Claus might bring it to him.
Tim: I thought you said Santa was dead.
Wilson: Ah, but Tim, the spirit of Santa lives on. It lives in all of us. Well, I must get back to my chestnuts roasting on an open fire. [chuckles] You know, that reminds me of a song. On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me A partridge in a pear tree On the second day of Christmas...

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well, just don't set fire to the roof, like you did last year.
Tim: I didn't set fire. It was an electrical short.
Jill: Well, I just don't want to have to drive you to the emergency room again.
Tim: Wait. Wait a minute. Except for last year, when was the last time you drove me to the emergency room?
Jill: The eighties.
Tim: You mess up one decade and you'll never let me forget it.

Quote from Randy

Jill: How did the tryouts for the Christmas pageant go?
Brad: Terrible. I'm a shepherd again.
Jill: Oh, well, honey, the shepherd is a very important part of the Christmas story.
Brad: I don't have any lines.
Randy: That's because you blew it, you stooge. He was trying out for one of the wise men, and he said they were carrying gold and Frankenstein.

Quote from Mark

Brad: Mark, what are you doing?
Mark: Making out my list for Santa Claus.
Brad: Are you kidding? Mom and Dad aren't gonna buy you all this stuff.
Mark: Why should they? Santa will make it.
Brad: Mark, are you gonna be a dork your whole life?
Mark: I hope not.

Quote from Randy

Jill: You look terrific. Now, let me hear you say your line.
Randy: [flatly] There's no room at the inn.
Jill: Honey, I think you need to say it with a little more feeling.
Randy: [wails] There's no room at the inn. [sobs]

Quote from Tim

Tim: You know, the only problem I have with Christmas trees, you spend so much time decorating the front of it. You never get to see the back of it. So I got this idea from an old college turntable. Maybe we could motorize this thing. So I used a ten-amp, heavy-duty synchronous motor, triple-reduction gears and a four-to-one final drive...
Al: Well, excuse me, Tim. Are you sure you connected the spur gear to the final drive instead of the motor output shaft?
Tim: AI, I'm insulted. You know who you're talking to?
Al: Yes, I do, Tim.
Tim: There's more than one way to do it, AI. Lisa, plug it in for me.
Lisa: Sure thing, Tim.
Al: Well, it's just that...
Tim: AI, please? [the tree rotates slowly]
Al: Well, son of a gun.
Tim: When you know what you're doing, folks, anything is possible.
[After two flashes and bangs, the tree rotates rapidly sending the ornaments flying off in all directions]
Tim: Incoming!

Quote from Mark

Mark: Mom, can I have another piece of paper?
Jill: Honey, that Christmas list looks a little long. Let me see that. You know, I don't think that Santa's going to be able to bring you everything on this list 'cause that would make his sleigh too heavy.
Mark: Uh... I'll cross off the heaviest things.
Jill: OK.
Mark: Cocker spaniel. Bye, floppy.
Jill: You know, I think that you should pick out the thing that you really want and put a star next to that.
Mark: Okay, the remote-control dinosaur.

Quote from Tim

Tim: How many lines does the stupid innkeeper have?
Randy: One lousy line.
All: "There's no room at the inn."
Tim: Got an idea. Right after you say your line, "There's no room at the inn", add this: "You should have called our 1-800 reservation hotline."

Quote from Mark

Brad: Randy, he's making a list for Santa Claus.
Randy: Mark, you're too old to believe in Santa Claus. Kids are gonna start to make fun of you.
Mark: What are you talking about?
Randy: I hate to break it to you, but there is no Santa Claus.
Mark: You're lying. Who drinks the milk and eats the chocolate-chip cookies that I leave out for him?
Brad: Oh, Dad. He loves chocolate-chip cookies.
Mark: You guys are poopheads.

Quote from Tim

Jill: This is your cape. Just put this around you.
Randy: Mom, this is gold. I'm just an innkeeper.
Jill: Hey, you are a very successful innkeeper. Now, this is just great. That's gonna really look good with the hat that I got you. [laughs] Perfect.
Tim: Hi, Jill. Hello, Ali Baba.
Randy: Dad.
Jill: He's an innkeeper.
Tim: Well, what inn are Mary and Joseph staying at this year? Caesar's Palace?

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Hi, Wilson. Do you have that old diesel generator? I'm gonna light up this revolving Santa on my roof.
Wilson: I'm sorry, Tim. I loaned that to the good doctor.
Tim: What?
Wilson: Oh, he did ask for it first. I could give you some tinsel and a nine-volt battery.
Tim: That's pretty funny, Wilson.
Wilson: Tim, I sense some competition between you and the good doctor.
Tim: No, I'm just decorating my house. I notice you don't decorate your house at Christmas, though.
Wilson: Well, actually, Tim. I decorate within. I have a tree in my heart, a wreath in my mind, and a star in my soul.
Tim: And you plug it in your bellybutton.

Quote from Tim

Fireman #1: You know, Mr. Taylor, It kind of surprised me when I saw that hammer hanging out of your mouth there. I didn't mean to laugh.
Tim: [slurred] That's all right.
Fireman #1: You know, Mr. Taylor, we watch your show all the time. I think it's really great.
Tim: Thanks very much.
Fireman #2: Why didn't you have AI here to help you?
Fireman #1: Yeah. I mean, he's really good on the show. I love that guy.
Tim: Oh, we all love that guy.

Quote from Tim

Tim: [on the phone] Hello. Detroit Edison? Yeah, this is Dr. Johnson here at 562 Glenview Road. Yeah, my wife and I are heading out to dinner. Could you shut the power off in exactly two hours? What? Oh, hi, Eddie. I tried this last year, huh? Didn't work then, either, did it? Yes, the firemen got me down. Oh, my tongue's fine, Ed. Thanks for asking. And a merry Christmas to you. See you. [hangs up] Whoa, oh, hi, honey.
Jill: You were going to turn the power off in the house of a 76-year-old retired proctologist?
Tim: If I could have gotten away with it, yes.

Quote from Tim

Jill: You're pathetic.
Tim: I'm pathetic?
Jill: Yes.
Tim: How about the church pageant, with you?
Jill: Hey, I'm just trying to build up their self-esteem.
Tim: Making 'em go out dressed like the Gabor sisters?

Quote from Tim

Mark: Mom? Dad? Brad and Randy said Santa died six years ago.
Jill: They told you that he was dead?
Tim: Well, that was a little extreme, son. I think he's old, but he's not dead.
Mark: So Santa's alive?
Jill: Yeah. You sat on his lap at the mall.
Mark: But there are a lot of malls. How can he be at every one?
Tim: He's real fast for a fat guy.

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Feliz Navidad, seńor Tim.
Tim: Feliz Ańo Nuevo to you, Mr. Wilson.
Wilson: Beautiful night tonight. Feels like more snow.
Tim: Boy, I hope not. I gotta finish putting those decorations on the roof.
Wilson: Well, I figured Jill might have put the kibosh on those decorations after that little mishap with your tongue.
Tim: Hey, it's my house, my roof, my decorations. I do what I want around here, Wilson.
Wilson: What time did Jill leave, Tim?
Tim: About ten minutes ago.

Quote from Randy

Jill: OK, guys, enough, enough. I think I got a little carried away making that costume and coaching him.
Tim: What happened, honey?
Jill: Oh, well, Randy's no longer playing the innkeeper cos he added some lines.
Brad: Yeah, he doubled the price of the room and asked the wise men for ID.
Randy: They made me a sheep.

Quote from Tim

Mark: How does Santa get gifts for everyone in the world in one bag?
Tim: Jill?
Jill: Well, honey, he folds them.
Mark: Folds them?
Tim: Yeah, he folds them, then he has Mrs. Claus sit on the bag so he can tie it shut.
Mark: That doesn't sound right. How do you fold goldfish? How do you fold a pony?
Tim: Well, there's a quarter horse...

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