Wilson: Did you know that hockey originated with the Iroquois Indians? Their original term for the game was "hoghee."
Tim: The Iroquois, huh? What did they use for a puck? Buffalo chips?
Wilson: [chuckles] No. In the Iroquois version, they used actual human skulls.
Tim: Really?
Wilson: No!

Tim: But your neighbor has to look at this ugly thing though, huh?
Al: Maybe Wilson could plant some decorative ivy. Mother's always been partial to vines.
Tim: That's because she swings from them!

Jill: If you're so worried about this, why don't you just go outside and talk to Wilson?
Tim: I tried to talk to him at work and he just ran off the set.
Jill: Well, you know, it's Wilson's property. Ultimately, if he wants to build this thing, I don't think there's much you can do about it.
Tim: Oh, really? I tell you one thing, when I jumpstart this brain, I can do anything.
Jill: So 100 years from now, Wilson's got trouble.

Tim: I can't let you build this thing in your backyard.
Wilson: Tim, I do not need your permission.
Tim: And I don't like the attitude.
Heidi: And I don't think we need to hear about it. We're back on the air, guys.
Wilson: Well, maybe you are. But I am not. Hello and goodbye!
Tim: You can't leave in the middle of the show. [theme music plays] Hey, welcome back, everybody. Good to have you here. Our guest had to leave quite suddenly. So right now... Uh... Al, why don't you tell us your favorite part of gardening?
Al: Well, I'd have to say it's getting down and dirty with my hoe.

Tim: Wilson, you're not gonna need those panels anymore.
Wilson: Why? You planning an airborne assault?
Tim: I'm taking down the lights.
Wilson: You're taking down the lights?
Tim: Yes. It's your property. If you want to, you can load it up with Japanese geishas. I don't care.
Wilson: You're tunneling in, aren't you?

Wilson: Oh, Tim, these are great seats.
Tim: Thanks.
Wilson: What a wonderful birthday present!
Tim: Happy birthday, Wilson. How old are you now?
Wilson: Uh, counting all my lives, 12,342 years old. That doesn't include the years I was frozen.

Brad: Man, I can't believe this!
Tim: Oh, be happy for him. You wouldn't want the prize anyway. Last game they gave away a year's supply of pudding.
Brad: I like pudding.
Announcer: [v.o.] This is the biggest giveaway in the history of Joe Louis Arena.
Tim: He's up on the screen.
Announcer: [v.o.] Wilson Wilson, as the one millionth visitor this season, Bay City Motors would like to present you with this check for $10,000!
Tim: Ten thousand dollars.
Brad: That's a lot of pudding.

Jill: Wilson won $10,000? That's unbelievable.
Tim: No. You know what's unbelievable? I paid for the ticket.
Brad: Want to know what's more unbelievable, is that I gave him my seat.
Jill: He's just gonna keep all that money?
Brad: Yeah. Because Dad told him that guys don't split stuff.
Tim: It's when I thought the prize was pudding!
Brad: I enjoy pudding.

Tim: But if anybody deserves to get hit tonight, it's gotta be Wilson. It's his birthday. Remember that.
Brad: That's right, yeah.
Jill: Oh, no. I didn't get him anything. I forgot all about it.
Tim: Don't worry. We're taking him to the hockey game. And I got him something. A little jersey. Look at this. Not bad, eh?
Jill: No, no, no, no. It's too nice and clean. You're gonna have to rub some nachos on it.
Tim: Nachos aren't right. Mustard would look good with this. And for Wilson, maybe a Grey Poupon.

Jill: Where are you going?
Mark: Out with Jenny Curtis for pizza. I think I got a shot at being her boyfriend.
Jill: Jenny Curtis. Is she in your film club? That really pretty one that's president of the honor society?
Mark: Yup. And she's actually thinking about dating a guy like me.
Jill: What does that mean? "A guy like you."
Mark: Well, you know, fairly smart, average-looking, but kind of geeky. Your basic five.
Jill: You are not a five! You're great-looking, funny, smart, and you're a ten.
Mark: Mom, I don't want to be a ten. Jenny thinks all tens are pig-headed jerks. I'm better off being a five.
Jill: So you're trying to be geeky, but not too geeky?
Mark: It's a fine line.