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‘Neighbors’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Home Improvement: Neighbors

820. Neighbors

Aired March 16, 1999

After Wilson wins some money at a hockey game he attended with Tim and Brad, he decides to build a greenhouse in his backyard. Although Tim offers to help build the greenhouse, the neighbors are soon feuding about the plans.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Did you know that hockey originated with the Iroquois Indians? Their original term for the game was "hoghee."
Tim: The Iroquois, huh? What did they use for a puck? Buffalo chips?
Wilson: [chuckles] No. In the Iroquois version, they used actual human skulls.
Tim: Really?
Wilson: No!

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Quote from Tim

Tim: But your neighbor has to look at this ugly thing though, huh?
Al: Maybe Wilson could plant some decorative ivy. Mother's always been partial to vines.
Tim: That's because she swings from them!

Quote from Jill

Jill: If you're so worried about this, why don't you just go outside and talk to Wilson?
Tim: I tried to talk to him at work and he just ran off the set.
Jill: Well, you know, it's Wilson's property. Ultimately, if he wants to build this thing, I don't think there's much you can do about it.
Tim: Oh, really? I tell you one thing, when I jumpstart this brain, I can do anything.
Jill: So 100 years from now, Wilson's got trouble.

Quote from Al

Tim: I can't let you build this thing in your backyard.
Wilson: Tim, I do not need your permission.
Tim: And I don't like the attitude.
Heidi: And I don't think we need to hear about it. We're back on the air, guys.
Wilson: Well, maybe you are. But I am not. Hello and goodbye!
Tim: You can't leave in the middle of the show. [theme music plays] Hey, welcome back, everybody. Good to have you here. Our guest had to leave quite suddenly. So right now... Uh... Al, why don't you tell us your favorite part of gardening?
Al: Well, I'd have to say it's getting down and dirty with my hoe.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Wilson, you're not gonna need those panels anymore.
Wilson: Why? You planning an airborne assault?
Tim: I'm taking down the lights.
Wilson: You're taking down the lights?
Tim: Yes. It's your property. If you want to, you can load it up with Japanese geishas. I don't care.
Wilson: You're tunneling in, aren't you?

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Oh, Tim, these are great seats.
Tim: Thanks.
Wilson: What a wonderful birthday present!
Tim: Happy birthday, Wilson. How old are you now?
Wilson: Uh, counting all my lives, 12,342 years old. That doesn't include the years I was frozen.

Quote from Brad

Brad: Man, I can't believe this!
Tim: Oh, be happy for him. You wouldn't want the prize anyway. Last game they gave away a year's supply of pudding.
Brad: I like pudding.
Announcer: [v.o.] This is the biggest giveaway in the history of Joe Louis Arena.
Tim: He's up on the screen.
Announcer: [v.o.] Wilson Wilson, as the one millionth visitor this season, Bay City Motors would like to present you with this check for $10,000!
Tim: Ten thousand dollars.
Brad: That's a lot of pudding.

Quote from Brad

Jill: Wilson won $10,000? That's unbelievable.
Tim: No. You know what's unbelievable? I paid for the ticket.
Brad: Want to know what's more unbelievable, is that I gave him my seat.
Jill: He's just gonna keep all that money?
Brad: Yeah. Because Dad told him that guys don't split stuff.
Tim: It's when I thought the prize was pudding!
Brad: I enjoy pudding.

Quote from Tim

Tim: But if anybody deserves to get hit tonight, it's gotta be Wilson. It's his birthday. Remember that.
Brad: That's right, yeah.
Jill: Oh, no. I didn't get him anything. I forgot all about it.
Tim: Don't worry. We're taking him to the hockey game. And I got him something. A little jersey. Look at this. Not bad, eh?
Jill: No, no, no, no. It's too nice and clean. You're gonna have to rub some nachos on it.
Tim: Nachos aren't right. Mustard would look good with this. And for Wilson, maybe a Grey Poupon.

Quote from Mark

Jill: Where are you going?
Mark: Out with Jenny Curtis for pizza. I think I got a shot at being her boyfriend.
Jill: Jenny Curtis. Is she in your film club? That really pretty one that's president of the honor society?
Mark: Yup. And she's actually thinking about dating a guy like me.
Jill: What does that mean? "A guy like you."
Mark: Well, you know, fairly smart, average-looking, but kind of geeky. Your basic five.
Jill: You are not a five! You're great-looking, funny, smart, and you're a ten.
Mark: Mom, I don't want to be a ten. Jenny thinks all tens are pig-headed jerks. I'm better off being a five.
Jill: So you're trying to be geeky, but not too geeky?
Mark: It's a fine line.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: You know, another interesting fact about hockey... Did you realize the first professional team was organized in Houghton, Michigan, in 1903?
Tim: Don't know. Don't care.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Wait, wait a second. Tim, this should be your prize. You bought the ticket.
Tim: I bought the ticket for your birthday. It's all yours.
Wilson: Well, it should be Brad's. He gave me his seat.
Brad: Dad, the man's got a point.
Tim: No, whosever butt... Whosever butt is in the seat wins the prize, period.
Wilson: Well, I've got an idea. Let's go halvsies.
Tim: Halvsies? Men don't go halvsies. Men don't even say "halvsies."

Quote from Tim

Jill: Look, guys, you know Wilson needs the money. He hasn't painted his house in years. And he needs a new roof.
Tim: And a new furnace. Maybe a new hat.
Brad: I bet he spends that money on something stupid like books.
Wilson: [enters with a stack of magazines] Well, hi-ho, Taylors. Well, Tim, I walked into my house and I had a huge epiphany.
Tim: After all that cotton candy, it was bound to catch up with you.

Quote from Tim

Jill: So what are you gonna do with all this money?
Wilson: Well, I've decided, instead of buying my plants, I'm gonna grow my own.
Tim: You're gonna grow your own? Brad, you can't go over there anymore.
Wilson: Oh, no, no, no. Not those kind of plants.

Quote from Brad

Brad: Wait. You're gonna spend all that money on a greenhouse?
Wilson: Yes, indeedy. I can grow anything I want.
Brad: Can you grow pudding?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And of course, you all know my assistant, Al "The Bad Seed" Borland.
Al: Thank you. Well, today we're talking about one of the greatest pleasures in my life, horticulture.
Tim: You know, that's legal in Nevada, baby.
Al: I'm talking about gardening.
Tim: I'm sure you are.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I made my hamburger casserole for dinner tonight.
Tim: We got bigger problems than that. Did you watch Tool Time today?
Jill: Working on the thesis.
Tim: Wilson wouldn't go with our design. Instead, he wants to build some 32-foot Victorian monstrosity in his yard. I swear the guy's gone construction-crazy.
Jill: It's funny how you recognize the symptoms in others.

Quote from Tim

Jill: What is this? What are you doing?
Tim: I'm adding to my arsenal. Bigger, brighter, better.
Jill: This is insane. When is this idiocy gonna end?
Tim: When Wilson grows up.
Jill: Wilson is your best friend. If you keep this up, you're gonna lose him.
Tim: So I'll get another best friend. I'll call Al. Maybe he knows someone who'll be my best friend.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You know, this isn't about building a greenhouse.
Wilson: Well, then what's it about, Tim?
Tim: It's so... It would... It came all the way to... I would not... I... I really... There's... It's hard... I come out... I like coming to the fence.
Wilson: To articulate the deep feelings you find difficult to communicate to other men.
Tim: Yes!
Wilson: You know, Tim, if I build this greenhouse the way I intended, you'd have to come around the house, knock on the door if you wanted to talk.
Tim: I could do that. And I could just call you on the phone if I wanted to.
Wilson: I could get a computer. We could e-mail.
Tim: Yeah.
Wilson: Yeah.
Tim: We could do that.
Wilson: Yeah. You want to do that?
Both: Nah!

Quote from Tim

Wilson: You know, Tim, to tell you the truth, I rather enjoy being able to come out here and extemporaneously converse with you.
Tim: Not me. I just like shooting the breeze.

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