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‘'Twas the Flight Before Christmas’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: 'Twas the Flight Before Christmas

512. 'Twas the Flight Before Christmas

Aired December 12, 1995

Tim and Al are stranded at a small airport after their flight to a Christmas parade is diverted. Back home, the boys take charge of the lighting contest. [Guest starring Tom Poston]

Quote from Jill

Al: You know, Ilene, I resent your attitude towards my mother. She's a wonderful, giving woman who lights up all the lives she touches.
Ilene: Oh, please! I am so sick of you putting your mother up on a pedestal!
Jill: [quietly to Tim] You got to admire him for having the strength to hoist her up there. Oh, my God! I'm turning into you.
Tim: It's kind of fun, isn't it?

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Quote from Tim

Tim: We really have to get there. Is there a car-rental counter here?
Clerk: Of course. [removes the "Ticket Counter" sign and puts up a "Pilgrim Car Rental" sign] Now, what kind of car would you like? We're running a special on convertibles.
Tim: It's four degrees outside.
Clerk: Then I'd advise you to leave the top up.
Al: Could you give us a map so we could find our way to Kinross?
Clerk: No problem. I don't think the map is going to do you much good.
Al: Why not?
Clerk: The roads are closed.
Tim: Well, why are we renting a car if we can't drive it anywhere?
Clerk: I was wondering the same thing myself.

Quote from Al

Tim: Well, it looks like we're going to make it home in time for Christmas, Al.
Al: The only problem is I still don't know what to do about Ilene and my mother. How can I choose between the woman who means more to me than anything, or my girlfriend?

Quote from Tim

Al: Oh, that's my beeper. I wonder who that is.
Tim, Jill & Ilene: Your mother.
Al: Can I use your phone?
Jill: Yeah, sure.
Ilene: That's the fourth time she's beeped him this morning.
Jill: I can imagine Al's mother would put stress on any relationship.
Tim: Al's mother could put stress on a 20-ton steel beam.

Quote from Al

Tim: Excuse me. Could you tell us where the main terminal is?
Clerk: Take two giant steps forward.
Al: Is there still a chance we can make it to Kinross?
Clerk: I don't see how. There'll be no more flights in or out until the storm's over.
Al: But this is an emergency!
Clerk: Ah, the hospital has a special helicopter. What's the emergency?
Al: We're leading an elf parade.
Clerk: Try me again when you're donating a kidney.

Quote from Al

Al: On the other hand, she is my mother. But on the other hand, Ilene could be the mother of my children. On the other hand...
Tim: Al, that's eight hands. Why don't you take one of them and slap yourself? [Al's beeper rings]
Woman: Excuse me. Are you by any chance a doctor?
Tim: No. He's a mama's boy.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Thank you, Heidi and everyone. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And you all know my assistant, Al "Be Quarantined for Christmas" Borland. Today, Al and I start out our week-long salute... to electricity.
Al: That's right, and that's why we're wearing the flash suits worn by professional electricians. You can take up to 20,000 volts and not get electrocuted.
Tim: Yeah. But, Al... But they look so darn cool, don't they? It's like the 90s way of saying, "Hey, I'm not gonna get fried!"
Al: Notice Tim's flame-resistant parka and color-coordinated insulated gloves. It boasts a safety helmet with UV face-shield and it's tastefully accessorized by this matching tote bag. You know, you might want to wear these when you put up your Christmas lights this weekend. [snorts]
Tim: Actually, I'm way ahead of you. With this outfit I can safely replace my measly seven-watt bulbs with these 500-watt bad boys right here, huh?
Al: You could light up an airport runway with that much wattage on your roof.
Tim: Well, maybe it's time for old St. Nick to trade in that old sleigh for the new Boeing 777 fly-by-wire.

Quote from Randy

Tim: All right. Great news, guys. This year you're going to help me beat Doc Johnson in the lighting contest.
Mark: Cool. I can't believe you're going to let us help this year.
Tim: Well, you've earned it. You're a year older, more mature, more responsible.
Randy: And since you're going out of town, you have no choice.
Tim: Hey, hey, hey! What have I always taught you what Christmas is all about?
Randy: Beating the pants off an 80-year-old proctologist in a lighting contest.
Tim: That's the spirit.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I just don't understand why you have to go away the day before Christmas.
Tim: We've been through this before. Binford is the proud sponsor of this year's Winterfest in Kinross, and Al and I playing very important roles.
Jill: Tim, you are a grand marshal of an elf parade!
Tim: Even little green people need a leader, honey.
Jill: Well, I don't know how you can leave me for a bunch of elves.
Tim: Well, I'll be home before dinner. I'm not gonna go to the pointy-shoe banquet.

Quote from Tim

Ilene: Al, I can't believe you!
Al: What?
Ilene: I thought we were gonna be alone for a change. Once again your mother has to wedge herself between us.
Tim: That's a hell of a big wedge.
Jill: Tim!

Quote from Al

Al: You know, and that's another reason why Ilene shouldn't be upset at Mother joining us for New Year's. You know, after a couple of Rob Roys, Mother can be quite the party animal.
Stewardess: Here are your drinks. One ginger ale, one martini - double olives on the side.
Tim: Thanks very much.
Al: Thank you. [to Tim] Oh, I suppose mother can be needy, but... [Tim downs his drinks and sticks the olives in his ears] how can I turn my back on the woman who nurtured me from the womb? I'm just thankful that I have a friend like you that will lend me a supportive ear... That has a green olive in it!
Tim: This just means the barf bag wasn't big enough to fit over my head.
Al: I just don't why Ilene is acting like this.
Tim: Oh, God! Maybe the plane will crash. [removes the olives]
Al: You know, I have a good mind not to give Ilene her Christmas present. And I had a necklace made especially for her out of coins that she collected when she went to Stockholm for the gingivitis symposium.
Tim: You gave her spare change from a bloody-gum convention?

Quote from Tim

Tim: This is just great. Stuck here in the airport, and Jill's gift is in Kinross. Is there any place I can look for a book here?
Clerk: We have some books in our gift shop.
Tim: And the gift shop would be...?
[The clerk turns around the "Pilgrim Car Rental" sign to reveal a sign for the "Gift Shop"]
Tim: OK, can I see some of your books?
Clerk: Sorry. We're closed for the holidays. [flips over a sign saying "Closed"]

Quote from Randy

Al: Tim, I need to talk to Ilene.
Tim: Hold on. I gotta tell Randy how to put the runway lights on the manger.
Al: This is more important.
Tim: [on the phone] Put Ilene on the phone, please.
Al: [takes the phone] Sugar pumpkin?
Randy: No, sweet pea. I'll get sugar pumpkin.

Quote from Tim

Ilene: [on the phone] Al?
Al: I think I have a solution for New Year's Eve that's gonna make everybody happy.
Ilene: You do?
Al: Yes. Mother rings in the New Year with us, but then we put her in a cab and have the weekend to ourselves.
Ilene: Al, you are missing the whole point. You are 37 years old. Don't you think it's time to cut the cord?
Al: Cut the cord?
Tim: Cut the cord?! Don't cut the cord. It's the only one I have that'll handle the lights!
Al: This is not about your stupid lights! My relationship is hanging in the balance!
Tim: So, the extension cord's OK?

Quote from Tim

Tim: There's gotta be some way out of here. Something else. How about a snowmobile?
Clerk: That would work...
Tim: OK.
Clerk: If we had one.
Tim: How about a dog sled?
Clerk: I've got a dog, and my grandson has a sled.
Tim: Perfect. Of course, my dog's a poodle.

Quote from Tim

Clerk: I got some good news. The storm has let up in Kinross.
Tim: All right.
Al: Great!
Clerk: Unfortunately, it's getting worse here. In fact, it might not let up for a couple of days.
Tim: We'll have to sleep here in the airport?
Clerk: There are some hotels in town.
Al: Well, we'd better hurry up and book one.
Clerk: Sorry. They were booked up hours ago. But I do rent out a lovely room in my house.
Tim: OK, I'll bite. How much?
Clerk: It's going for $45 a night.
Tim: OK.
Clerk: Except in storm season. Then it's 200.
Tim: You know, pal, I'm gonna alert the Better Business Bureau about you.
Clerk: Go ahead.
Tim: Huh. [turns around the "Tourist Information" sign to reveal a sign for the Better Business Bureau]
Clerk: Can I help you?

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, hi-de-ho-ho-ho, neighborette. And a Merry Christmas!
Jill: Maybe on your side of the fence. I got boys crawling on the roof, Tim's stuck in Alpena, and a depressed orthodontist crying into her pfeffernusse.
Wilson: So, Tim is stuck in Alpena, huh? That is such a lovely town. You know, I have a very good friend who works there. He's a clerk at the airport.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I'm so disappointed. I was really hoping to give Tim his present tonight. I got him something really special.
Wilson: Well, I assume it has something to do with a car or a tool.
Jill: Oh, yeah, both. I got him a set of tools for the car. And this thing called a power inverter. It allows you to plug your tools right into a car lighter. This way, if he gets stuck in traffic, instead of swearing, he can build something.
Wilson: Well, that sounds like the perfect gift for Tim.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: So are you and Judith spending the holidays together?
Wilson: Oh, yes, indeedy. This is the first Christmas we've spent together. And I am so looking forward to giving her the sweater that I knitted for her.
Jill: You knitted her a sweater?
Wilson: Mm-hm. Right after I sheared the sheep and spun the wool.
Jill: Wow!
Wilson: Then later on, I'm gonna fix her dinner.
Jill: What are you making?
Wilson: Lamb chops.

Quote from Tim

Clerk: I've got some good news for you. In the spirit of Christmas Eve, I'm slashing the price of my room back to $45.
Tim: In other words, the storm is letting up.
Clerk: Yes. Yes, it is. You should be able to get a flight in about 15 minutes.
Al: Finally!
Clerk: Would you gentlemen care for some flight insurance?
Tim & Al: No!

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