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‘Tanks for the Memories’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Tanks for the Memories

515. Tanks for the Memories

Aired January 30, 1996

Tim and Jill are invited to a Marine base and given the opportunity to drive tanks. Meanwhile, the boys stay with Al and play the Tool Time board game he invented.

Quote from Al

Al: Now, the object of the game is to finish your project without having to call an ambulance. You can learn as you go along. Mark, why don't you start us off?
Mark: OK. Start. Two. "Tim makes bad joke about Al's mom. Audience boos. Lose a turn."
Al: Mother loves that card.
Brad: All right, it's my turn.
Al: That's right.
Brad: Ooh, four. "Al's away at National Bingo Finals. Tim hosts show alone and ratings drop."
Randy: All right. My turn. All right, here we go. Six, OK... five, six. All All right. Pick up a card. "Tim installs faulty wiring. You're accidentally electrocuted."
[Sparks fly on the game as Randy's figure is knocked down. The lights flash and sirens wail on the ambulance and emergency room]
Al: You lose.

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Quote from Al

Al: Well, that was a pretty quick game of Scrabble. Now we're ready for Chinese Checkers.
Brad: Oh, sorry, Al. Mom says we're not allowed to be playing "Chinese Checkers" before bed. Makes us too hyper.
Al: All right. Well, if conventional games don't tickle your fancy, I have a board game that you have never seen.
I invented this myself. It is the prototype for what could become a national craze.
Mark: "The Tool Time Game"? Awesome! How do you play?
Al: Well, you have your choice of figures. You can be Heidi. You can be Al. And you can be Tim in a body cast.
Brad: All right, I got Heidi.
Randy: Al.
Mark: Aw, man!

Quote from Al

Tim: Well, let's cut to the chase. Is there any way you could swing it so that I could drive a tank?
Lt. Col. McDougal: Well, Tim, if you ever came to California, where I'm stationed, I'm sure we could arrange it.
Tim: All right!
Al: Excuse me, Colonel, but letting Tim drive a tank, well... that's jeopardizing national security.
Tim: Let it go, Al, please?
Lt. Col. McDougal: Al, you got nothing to worry about. We've got 10,000 Marines on the base to keep their eyes on Tim.
Tim: Right!
Al: It's not enough.

Quote from Al

Tim: Welcome back to Tool Time and our week-long salute... [fanfare] to the military.
Al: A subject near and dear to my heart.
Tim: Tell them about that.
Al: Well, I was a Navy C.B. That, of course, stands for Construction Battalion.
Tim: That's right.
Al: We are always the first ones in laying the groundwork for the other forces. We're the ones building the bridges.
Tim: Klaus! [Tool Time theme music plays]
Al: We're building the roads, the landing strips... We're... [theme music continues]
[Tim signals for the music to be cut]

Quote from Al

Al: Well, are you ready for a carefree, wild weekend?
Mark: Yeah. What are we gonna do?
Al: I thought we would... Don't touch that. Your dad already broke it. You know, I thought maybe we'd start off with a rousing game of... Parcheesi! Huh? Winner gets a fat-free fig bar.
Randy: What a treat for three fig lovers like us!
Al: Oh, not to worry. I got a consolation prize - low-sodium rice cakes.
Brad: This is great. Mom and Dad get to go to California, and we get figs and rice.
Al: OK, I see what it is. You guys are feeling a little left out. Huh? Yeah, well, I know what it feels like to be left out. When I was your age, my folks left me when they went off to the Amish country. I remained bitter for years.
Randy: Well, you got over it, right?
Al: Rather not talk about it.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, hi-ho, neighbor. When did you get back from California?
Tim: A few minutes ago. Mm, smells like ribs.
Wilson: Well, actually, I'm barbecuing some bulbs.
Tim: Fluorescent or three-way?
Wilson: No, Tim. These are lily bulbs. These are a dietary staple of the Native Americans of Montana. So, how was your tank-driving expedition?
Tim: A real kick in the lily bulbs.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Well, Jill and I both got to drive tanks. And she has to act like a big shot by not driving through a sign, or shooting off a machine gun, or crushing a couple of golf carts.
Wilson: Mm-mm-mm, she is such a show-off.
Tim: I didn't even want her going with me.
Wilson: Well, traditionally, driving tanks is a man's domain.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, man's domain. Oh, yeah.
Wilson: And to the best of my knowledge, women in the service aren't allowed to drive tanks.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, no women drivers. Oh, no.
Wilson: Which makes it all the more incredible that Jill accomplished what she did.
Tim: Yeah, that's all the more... huh?
Wilson: Well, you did compliment her on her tank-driving expertise?
Tim: How can you take her side? By her tagging along, she ruined my day.
Wilson: Well, maybe you ruined her day by not acknowledging her accomplishment.
Tim: Well, maybe you ruined my day by pointing that out.

Quote from Tim

Brad: So, when you were driving the tank, how did it go?
Tim: Ooh, the tank stuff! Wait till I tell you... We should talk about your mom's experience first.
Jill: Great. We talked about it at the base. We talked about it on the plane.
Tim: They let her drive one, too. And she was awesome.
Randy: You're kidding.
Tim: No.
Mark: That's awesome!
Tim: It is great. She drove it like a pro. One of the first women on the base to drive a tank. You should be proud of her. As a matter of fact, the first four million I'm getting, I'm buying a tank for her. Never worry about finding a parking place in her life.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Today we're talking about tools the military uses. OK? I needed a little help on today's show. An old high-school buddy of mine, Billy McDougal, will be here. We used to call him "Moon Pie Face." But no longer. Now it's Lieutenant Colonel William McDougal of the United States Marine Corps. Let's bring him out with a round of applause. Come on out here, Billy. Moon Pie, Moon Pie, Moon Pie. It's amazing, you know? I guess they wanted a few good men and one big wuss.
Lt. Col. McDougal: Tim, if I remember correctly, you were such a wimp, even the Cub Scouts wouldn't take you.
Tim: Yeah. But the Girl Scouts loved me. [laughs]

Quote from Tim

Lt. Col. McDougal: All right, let's start with the tool that we call "The Dog Bone."
Tim: Let me see that.
Lt. Col. McDougal: Hold onto that, Timmy. [Tim struggles to lift it] Now, we use that as a jack to lift road wheels. Next, we've got a tool that we call "The Little Joe."
Tim: Little Joe. It looks more like Hoss to me. It's definitely no Hop Sing, I'll tell you that.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What a great show today. We did our salute to the military, right? I got invited out to California to a military base to drive a tank.
Jill: Wow, that's so great! When do we go?
Tim: We? Is that "we" like in "we," or "we" like in "whee!"?
Jill: You're not planning on going without me?
Tim: Well, l... no. I thought I'd make reservations at that spa in Palm Springs.
Jill: Yes!
Tim: You'll be at that hotel soaking in mud, and I'll be at the base driving through it.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, I'm the army brat. It'd be fun for me to go to a military base.
Tim: Driving a tank is not about fun.
Jill: What is it about?
Tim: It's about grown men driving heavy equipment while other grown men hide in bushes and act like bad guys.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I do not want to hang around the hotel while you get to go off and do all the cool stuff.
Tim: Oh, cool stuff?
Jill: Yes.
Tim: In the desert, it's hot. You know how you are. "It's so hot. My hair is so sandy and my skin's so dry, it's like a pair of alligator shoes. Look at this. It's cracking."
Jill: Tim, that is not me - that's you.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Now, why can't I go to the base?
Tim: What's the purpose of it? You know, the military doesn't allow women to drive tanks. You'd just be standing around bored.
Jill: I would not. I would be standing around trying to convince them that women are perfectly capable of driving tanks.
Tim: Well, there's a good time.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, come on! How many times do we find something that we're both interested in?
Tim: Never. And I don't want to screw up a winning formula.
Jill: Come on! We'll have the boys stay with Al. What do you say? What do you say?
Tim: Four words that seem to rule my life - "Anything you want, Jill."

Quote from Tim

Al: Ah, just a minute... OK.
Tim: [o.s.] Al, quit fluffing the pillows and let us in.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Al, here's the number of the hotel. If you can't page us in the room, then page us at the pool.
Al: OK.
Jill: If you can't page us at the pool, page us at the base. I wrote this number down.
Al: All right.
Jill: And don't forget, there's a three-hour time difference. If it's four o'clock here, it's one o'clock there.
Jill: Right.
Jill: If it's six o'clock here, it's three o'clock there.
Tim: Honey. Honey, if you keep talking to him, we'll still be here before we even get there.

Quote from Jill

Lt. Col. McDougal: There are four fuel tanks on the M1 A1 that hold a total of 504 gallons.
Tim: Whoo! I hope you have self-serve. What does this thing weigh?
Jill: I'm guessing 65 tons.
Tim: No, no, no. It's gotta be more like a hundred tons.
Lt. Col. McDougal: Actually, the curb weight is 67.7 tons. Very impressive, Jill.
Tim: She grew up on a military base.
Jill: I always loved tanks.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, wait a minute! What does one of these things cost... out the door?
Lt. Col. McDougal: 4.3 million. A little more if you want the CD player.
Tim: Wow!

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well, what kind of engine's in it?
Lt. Col. McDougal: 1500-horsepower gas turbine.
Jill: Wow! The old M48 had what? 750?
Lt. Col. McDougal: This tank also has battlefield override, a 120-millimeter smooth bore, and enhanced shift tie-downs.
Tim: You know, to make it look better... chrome wheels and a custom paint job.
Lt. Col. McDougal: I'll mention that to the Pentagon.

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