Al: Now, the object of the game is to finish your project without having to call an ambulance. You can learn as you go along. Mark, why don't you start us off?
Mark: OK. Start. Two. "Tim makes bad joke about Al's mom. Audience boos. Lose a turn."
Al: Mother loves that card.
Brad: All right, it's my turn.
Al: That's right.
Brad: Ooh, four. "Al's away at National Bingo Finals. Tim hosts show alone and ratings drop."
Randy: All right. My turn. All right, here we go. Six, OK... five, six. All All right. Pick up a card. "Tim installs faulty wiring. You're accidentally electrocuted."
[Sparks fly on the game as Randy's figure is knocked down. The lights flash and sirens wail on the ambulance and emergency room]
Al: You lose.

Al: Well, that was a pretty quick game of Scrabble. Now we're ready for Chinese Checkers.
Brad: Oh, sorry, Al. Mom says we're not allowed to be playing "Chinese Checkers" before bed. Makes us too hyper.
Al: All right. Well, if conventional games don't tickle your fancy, I have a board game that you have never seen.
I invented this myself. It is the prototype for what could become a national craze.
Mark: "The Tool Time Game"? Awesome! How do you play?
Al: Well, you have your choice of figures. You can be Heidi. You can be Al. And you can be Tim in a body cast.
Brad: All right, I got Heidi.
Randy: Al.
Mark: Aw, man!

Tim: Well, let's cut to the chase. Is there any way you could swing it so that I could drive a tank?
Lt. Col. McDougal: Well, Tim, if you ever came to California, where I'm stationed, I'm sure we could arrange it.
Tim: All right!
Al: Excuse me, Colonel, but letting Tim drive a tank, well... that's jeopardizing national security.
Tim: Let it go, Al, please?
Lt. Col. McDougal: Al, you got nothing to worry about. We've got 10,000 Marines on the base to keep their eyes on Tim.
Tim: Right!
Al: It's not enough.

Tim: Welcome back to Tool Time and our week-long salute... [fanfare] to the military.
Al: A subject near and dear to my heart.
Tim: Tell them about that.
Al: Well, I was a Navy C.B. That, of course, stands for Construction Battalion.
Tim: That's right.
Al: We are always the first ones in laying the groundwork for the other forces. We're the ones building the bridges.
Tim: Klaus! [Tool Time theme music plays]
Al: We're building the roads, the landing strips... We're... [theme music continues]
[Tim signals for the music to be cut]

Al: Well, are you ready for a carefree, wild weekend?
Mark: Yeah. What are we gonna do?
Al: I thought we would... Don't touch that. Your dad already broke it. You know, I thought maybe we'd start off with a rousing game of... Parcheesi! Huh? Winner gets a fat-free fig bar.
Randy: What a treat for three fig lovers like us!
Al: Oh, not to worry. I got a consolation prize - low-sodium rice cakes.
Brad: This is great. Mom and Dad get to go to California, and we get figs and rice.
Al: OK, I see what it is. You guys are feeling a little left out. Huh? Yeah, well, I know what it feels like to be left out. When I was your age, my folks left me when they went off to the Amish country. I remained bitter for years.
Randy: Well, you got over it, right?
Al: Rather not talk about it.

Tim: Hey, Wilson.
Wilson: Well, hi-ho, neighbor. When did you get back from California?
Tim: A few minutes ago. Mm, smells like ribs.
Wilson: Well, actually, I'm barbecuing some bulbs.
Tim: Fluorescent or three-way?
Wilson: No, Tim. These are lily bulbs. These are a dietary staple of the Native Americans of Montana. So, how was your tank-driving expedition?
Tim: A real kick in the lily bulbs.

Tim: Well, Jill and I both got to drive tanks. And she has to act like a big shot by not driving through a sign, or shooting off a machine gun, or crushing a couple of golf carts.
Wilson: Mm-mm-mm, she is such a show-off.
Tim: I didn't even want her going with me.
Wilson: Well, traditionally, driving tanks is a man's domain.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, man's domain. Oh, yeah.
Wilson: And to the best of my knowledge, women in the service aren't allowed to drive tanks.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, no women drivers. Oh, no.
Wilson: Which makes it all the more incredible that Jill accomplished what she did.
Tim: Yeah, that's all the more... huh?
Wilson: Well, you did compliment her on her tank-driving expertise?
Tim: How can you take her side? By her tagging along, she ruined my day.
Wilson: Well, maybe you ruined her day by not acknowledging her accomplishment.
Tim: Well, maybe you ruined my day by pointing that out.

Brad: So, when you were driving the tank, how did it go?
Tim: Ooh, the tank stuff! Wait till I tell you... We should talk about your mom's experience first.
Jill: Great. We talked about it at the base. We talked about it on the plane.
Tim: They let her drive one, too. And she was awesome.
Randy: You're kidding.
Tim: No.
Mark: That's awesome!
Tim: It is great. She drove it like a pro. One of the first women on the base to drive a tank. You should be proud of her. As a matter of fact, the first four million I'm getting, I'm buying a tank for her. Never worry about finding a parking place in her life.

Tim: Today we're talking about tools the military uses. OK? I needed a little help on today's show. An old high-school buddy of mine, Billy McDougal, will be here. We used to call him "Moon Pie Face." But no longer. Now it's Lieutenant Colonel William McDougal of the United States Marine Corps. Let's bring him out with a round of applause. Come on out here, Billy. Moon Pie, Moon Pie, Moon Pie. It's amazing, you know? I guess they wanted a few good men and one big wuss.
Lt. Col. McDougal: Tim, if I remember correctly, you were such a wimp, even the Cub Scouts wouldn't take you.
Tim: Yeah. But the Girl Scouts loved me. [laughs]

Lt. Col. McDougal: All right, let's start with the tool that we call "The Dog Bone."
Tim: Let me see that.
Lt. Col. McDougal: Hold onto that, Timmy. [Tim struggles to lift it] Now, we use that as a jack to lift road wheels. Next, we've got a tool that we call "The Little Joe."
Tim: Little Joe. It looks more like Hoss to me. It's definitely no Hop Sing, I'll tell you that.