Randy: "When he bestrides the lazy puffing clouds and floats upon the bosom of the air."
Wilson: "O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name."
Randy: Oh, Wilson. I gotta tell you you're a much better Juliet than Mom.
Wilson: Well, thank you, young Randy. I wouldn't want to disparage another actor, but at the Greenville School for Boys, I was known as quite a breathtaking Juliet. And it wasn't easy playing a love scene opposite that pimple-faced Herman Dilbert. You know, I got nothing from him. It was like acting with a head of lettuce.
Randy: Wilson, could we?

Wilson: "Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet."
Jill: Well, I guess I'm the one that's no longer a Capulet. Apparently, I've been replaced.
Randy: No, you haven't. I was just out here rehearsing with Wilson so I'd be good enough to rehearse with you.
Wilson: Jill, I am so sorry. I had no idea I was usurping your role.
Jill: Oh, come on. You've had your eye on this part all week.
Wilson: Now, that is not true! Young Randy came out here and beseeched me to step into the role.
Jill: You beseeched him?
Randy: I didn't beseech anybody! I don't even know what "beseech" means.

Randy: I don't know. One of those kids has been the lead in all the school plays.
Jill: But I'll bet that he doesn't come from a theatrical family.
Randy: I hate to break this to you, Mom, but Tool Time isn't exactly great theater. Even though it does usually end in tragedy.

Jill: Well, I'm glad you're taking the rational approach.
Tim: So you think we should just let him get away with whatever he wants?
Jill: No, I am saying we should just pick our fights.
Tim: Well, I'm picking this one. Your problem is you're too lenient because of how you were brought up.
Jill: Lenient? Hello! I was raised in a military family.
Tim: Hello! During peacetime.

Jill: Tim, what Brad is doing is perfectly normal for his age. He's just expressing himself. He's being an individual.
Tim: So, how do we get him to stop?
Jill: Why are you getting so whipped up about something as unimportant as hair?
Tim: It's more important than you might think. You let him get away with that, next thing he wants an earring. Earrings turn to tattoos, tattoos turn to crime. Crime turns to jail. And another bad haircut!

Brad: So, you're pretty much treating me the way your parents treated you then.
Tim: You know, it just happens. Eventually you turn into your parents. I don't know what the deal is. And one day, you're gonna turn into me.
Brad: Oh, boy. I'm gonna need a lot of medical insurance.

Brad: Oh, I can't go now. I promised Mom I'd get a haircut.
Tim: Hey, great. Maybe this time you'll let the barber actually touch the scissors to your hair.
Brad: What are you talking about? Last time he took off almost a quarter of an inch.
Tim: Quarter of an inch? I got more hair in my nose than that.

Jill: I'm not talking about your father. I'm talking about me. I was the best Juliet ever at the Hockaday School for Girls. I was also their best Othello.
Randy: I'm sure you were a very convincing black man.
Jill: I'd be happy to rehearse lines with you.
Randy: No offense, Mom, but if I'm gonna play a love scene, I'd rather not do it with someone who was around when the play was written.
Jill: I only hope that you look as good as I do when you're 350 years old.

Tim: Hey, everybody.
Brad: Hey, Dad.
Tim: What the hell happened to you?
Brad: I got a haircut.
Tim: With what? A weed whacker?

Jill: Well... That was mature.
Tim: Don't blame him. He's just a kid.
Jill: I was talking about you.
Tim: You like that haircut?
Jill: No, but it's no big deal. It's just hair!
Tim: He looks like Pebbles Flintstone!