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‘Engine and a Haircut, Two Fights’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Engine and a Haircut, Two Fights

521. Engine and a Haircut, Two Fights

Aired March 12, 1996

Tim gets into a fight with Brad over his new haircut. Meanwhile, Jill helps Randy rehearse for his Romeo and Juliet audition.

Quote from Randy

Randy: I don't know. One of those kids has been the lead in all the school plays.
Jill: But I'll bet that he doesn't come from a theatrical family.
Randy: I hate to break this to you, Mom, but Tool Time isn't exactly great theater. Even though it does usually end in tragedy.

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Quote from Wilson

Randy: "When he bestrides the lazy puffing clouds and floats upon the bosom of the air."
Wilson: "O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name."
Randy: Oh, Wilson. I gotta tell you you're a much better Juliet than Mom.
Wilson: Well, thank you, young Randy. I wouldn't want to disparage another actor, but at the Greenville School for Boys, I was known as quite a breathtaking Juliet. And it wasn't easy playing a love scene opposite that pimple-faced Herman Dilbert. You know, I got nothing from him. It was like acting with a head of lettuce.
Randy: Wilson, could we?

Quote from Randy

Wilson: "Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Capulet."
Jill: Well, I guess I'm the one that's no longer a Capulet. Apparently, I've been replaced.
Randy: No, you haven't. I was just out here rehearsing with Wilson so I'd be good enough to rehearse with you.
Wilson: Jill, I am so sorry. I had no idea I was usurping your role.
Jill: Oh, come on. You've had your eye on this part all week.
Wilson: Now, that is not true! Young Randy came out here and beseeched me to step into the role.
Jill: You beseeched him?
Randy: I didn't beseech anybody! I don't even know what "beseech" means.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Well, I'm glad you're taking the rational approach.
Tim: So you think we should just let him get away with whatever he wants?
Jill: No, I am saying we should just pick our fights.
Tim: Well, I'm picking this one. Your problem is you're too lenient because of how you were brought up.
Jill: Lenient? Hello! I was raised in a military family.
Tim: Hello! During peacetime.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, what Brad is doing is perfectly normal for his age. He's just expressing himself. He's being an individual.
Tim: So, how do we get him to stop?
Jill: Why are you getting so whipped up about something as unimportant as hair?
Tim: It's more important than you might think. You let him get away with that, next thing he wants an earring. Earrings turn to tattoos, tattoos turn to crime. Crime turns to jail. And another bad haircut!

Quote from Brad

Brad: So, you're pretty much treating me the way your parents treated you then.
Tim: You know, it just happens. Eventually you turn into your parents. I don't know what the deal is. And one day, you're gonna turn into me.
Brad: Oh, boy. I'm gonna need a lot of medical insurance.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome to Green Week here on Tool Time.
Al: That's right. We're going to be demonstrating how you can use recycled material to build a beautiful home like this.
Tim: The walls in this home are made out of recycled paper. The studs from recycled old cars. Studs from old cars. That clears up the mystery. I used to be an old car.
Al: All right. Well, we're gonna show you how you can use old tires and aluminum cans to build walls.
Tim: It's very simple, actually. You stack your tires like so. To stabilize them, put a little dirt in there... like that.
Al: Making sure to put aluminum cans in the holes before you put the dirt in.
Tim: Use light beer cans, and your wall's less filling.
Al: You know, our friends in the animal kingdom have been using recycled materials to build their homes since the beginning of time.
Tim: How many friends do you have in the animal kingdom? "Oh, look, the hippo's coming over, bringing that casserole I like." "Oh, look. I'll play charades with the cheetah."
Al: You know, the African hornbill builds his own nest out of his own dung.
Tim: That's an interesting piece of news, isn't it? It means, if you go to his house, you can actually say this without him getting mad: "Boy! This house smells just like..."
Al: Tim.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Oh, I can't go now. I promised Mom I'd get a haircut.
Tim: Hey, great. Maybe this time you'll let the barber actually touch the scissors to your hair.
Brad: What are you talking about? Last time he took off almost a quarter of an inch.
Tim: Quarter of an inch? I got more hair in my nose than that.

Quote from Randy

Jill: I'm not talking about your father. I'm talking about me. I was the best Juliet ever at the Hockaday School for Girls. I was also their best Othello.
Randy: I'm sure you were a very convincing black man.
Jill: I'd be happy to rehearse lines with you.
Randy: No offense, Mom, but if I'm gonna play a love scene, I'd rather not do it with someone who was around when the play was written.
Jill: I only hope that you look as good as I do when you're 350 years old.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, everybody.
Brad: Hey, Dad.
Tim: What the hell happened to you?
Brad: I got a haircut.
Tim: With what? A weed whacker?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Well... That was mature.
Tim: Don't blame him. He's just a kid.
Jill: I was talking about you.
Tim: You like that haircut?
Jill: No, but it's no big deal. It's just hair!
Tim: He looks like Pebbles Flintstone!

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, my parents were so strict that none of us ever had a chance to express ourselves. As soon as I left the house, I went wild.
Tim: Oh, yeah, yeah. Your famous bra-less years. Whoa!
Jill: You know I did worse stuff.
Tim: It's not the same with boys. We need to be strict with them. If my mother hadn't been tough with me, I would have gotten in a lot of trouble.
Jill: You did get in a lot of trouble.
Tim: Yes, but even though I was trouble, I had a neat and attractive haircut.

Quote from Randy

Randy: "Farewell, farewell! One kiss, and I'll descend."
Jill: "Art thou gone so? love, lord, ay, husband, friend! I must hear from thee every day in the hour, for in a minute there are many days." Ohh!
Randy: Mom, do you think your Juliet might be a bit over the top?
Jill: Look, acting is all about passion! You have to convey the passion to the back row of the theater!
Randy: Well, with acting like that, you don't have to worry about the back row. The whole theater'll be empty.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Ice-cold pop for my favorite son.
Mark: I'm your favorite son?
Tim: Well, you're my last hope. One son looks like a sumo wrestler. And the other one's in there putting moves on his mother.
Mark: Dad, I hope you never get mad at me like you did at Brad.
Tim: I won't have to get mad at you like I got at Brad. You'll never come home with a haircut that looks like the back of Mr. Ed.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: There is no way that Wilson's Juliet is better than mine! You know, the Hockaday Herald said that my Juliet was so moving that they didn't even need Romeo.
Wilson: Ah, well, my school newspaper said that I was an astonishing Juliet. A vision of budding femininity.
Jill: Oh!
Randy: Girls? My audition's tomorrow. Who's gonna help me?
Jill: I will! I will! "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?"
Wilson: "Deny thy father and refuse thy name!"
Jill: "Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love..."
Wilson: "And I'll no longer be a Capulet."
Jill: "What's in a name?" [Randy goes inside]
Both: "That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."
Jill: So, Romeo. Yo, Romeo!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Welcome back to Green Week on Tool Time. Now we're going to show you how to make your car environmentally friendly.
Al: First let's talk about how we can reduce those foul fumes that pollute the air.
Tim: You might help out by knocking off those breakfast burritos.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Is Brad home?
Jill: He's up in his room. You're not gonna yell at him again, are you?
Tim: No. Calm, rational discussion.
Jill: What are you gonna say?
Tim: First off, I need him to help build the hot rod. It's our project. Second of all, I don't want him running off with a cult, shaving his head, and calling himself Baba-Raba-Lama-Ding-Dong-Brad.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Didn't you ever get a haircut your parents didn't like?
Tim: [groans as he sits on a figurine] I wanted to, but they wouldn't let me. At your age, I would've killed to look like Ringo.
Brad: Who?
Tim: Ringo. Fab Four. "Yeah, yeah, yeah." [off Brad's look] Let's move on.

Quote from Brad

Tim: It's kind of chilly outside. I suggest you wear a hat, son.
Brad: Sorry, Dad, I won't wear the hat. But I would be willing to stop by the barber shop.
Tim: You would?
Brad: Yeah. We can get you that Ringo cut you've always wanted. There's just one problem. We'd have to find a barber old enough to remember who that guy is.

Quote from Al

Al: All right, we're gonna finish off our wall with adobe, which is a mixture of sand, straw and mud. Just trowel her on.
Al: You can use a trowel or you can use your bare hands.
[title: "What Al doesn't know is that Tim has added dung to the adobe."]
Al: Ah! There's nothing like the feel of fresh adobe underneath your fingernails.
[title: "What Tim doesn't know is that Al replaced the dung with real adobe."]
Tim: Pile it on, Al.
Al: I might add that, for you ladies at home, adobe makes a wonderful mud pack for the face.
Tim: Why don't you show them how to do that, Al?
Al: I'd love to, Tim. [smears adobe on Tim's face]

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