Tim: Put away the fish, get out your bowling shoes. We're going bowling and dinner with Bud and his wife tonight.
Jill: Tonight? I can't go tonight. I have that lecture for my Abnormal Psych class.
Tim: You don't have to go to that. You know what they're going to say. "There's a lot of crazy people out there and there's nothing we can do about it."
Jill: You're living proof of that.

Jill: You say that you need me by your side. And then you don't even treat me like a person. You acted like I was just one of your appendages.
Tim: Well, forgive me for thinking my career's important.
Jill: Apparently, that's all you think is important.
Tim: Oh, that's not true. Where you hit me with the bowling ball I find quite important too.
Jill: Well, that's OK. Because I think it's gonna have plenty of time to heal!

Tim: Hey, Wilson. Am I losing my mind? Or do I hear crickets in the middle of winter?
Wilson: Well, you certainly do, neighbor. I brought my pet crickets out to serenade me.
Tim: Wilson, have you ever had a normal pet?
Wilson: Well, I had a marmoset once. But my ocelot ate it.
Tim: You're one odd duck, Wilson.
Wilson: I had one of those. Ocelot got it, too.

Jill: I can't just drop everything because Bud wants to go bowling.
Tim: No, no, no. This is not about bowling. This is about selling Bud on my future with Binford. I got big plans. This could be the start of the Tim Taylor empire.
Jill: The Tim Taylor empire? [laughs]
Tim: Come on. I mean, why does it just have to be Tool Time? How about Car Time? And we could add the spin-off, Tool Time: The Next Generation. And how about an interactive Tim?
Jill: I've been looking for one of those for years.

Bud: Oh, boy! This is what bowling's all about. No food, no wives and no going home until I beat you.
[Tim throws a gutter ball]
Bud: Did my wife tell you what happened to the vice president who threw the game?
Tim: Wearing a turban?
Bud: Fez.

Tim: And anyway, what's wrong with me caring about my career?
Wilson: Well, Tim, maybe Jill just feels that you put your ambition ahead of her feelings. You know, I'm reminded of the English critic John Ruskin, who said: "When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a very small package."
Tim: Yeah, but my grandma always told me good things come in small packages.
Wilson: How true, how true.
Tim: Mm-hm-hm-hm-hm.
Wilson: Of course, you're the one whose wife isn't talking to him. Mm-hm-hm-hm-hm.

Tim: If I'd known you were gonna act like this, I wouldn't have let you come.
Jill: Let me come? You begged me to come!
Tim: Because I thought you were gonna be helpful.
Jill: Ugh, you are absolutely unbelievable. First you make me miss my lecture. Then you tell me what I can or can't say to Bud. I'm not allowed to eat. And then I have to throw the best game of my life.
Tim: I just wanted you to be more flexible.
Jill: Flexible? Whatever direction you pointed me in, I was expected to perform. I was like your little Binford windup wife.
Tim: Binford doesn't make a windup wife!

Tim: Well, Jill didn't have all that much fun, and I'm not going to ask her to do it again. Even if it means me going to Pakistan and doing Turban Time.
Bud: Pakistan?
Tim: Yeah. Jean told me all about that last vice president. Beat you in bowling, you shipped him off to Pakistan.
Bud: Ah. Oh. Did she also tell you it was her idiot brother who was embezzling money from the company?
Tim: I think she might have left out that little detail.
Bud: Uh-huh. I built that plant in Pakistan so we'd have a place to send him.
Tim: So you're not the type of guy to hold a grudge against someone who beat you.
Bud: Of course not. I'm a better businessman than that.
Tim: In that case, I got some ideas I want to run by you about Binford and my future.
Bud: Well, I want to hear them. Call my secretary and make an appointment, OK? Oh, oh, wait a minute. I sent her to Pakistan, too.

Jill: What was all that about?
Randy: Oh, nothing. Brad and Angela are trying to get me to go out with her little sister. I'm kind of worried she's gonna be as annoying as Angela.
Jill: Now, Randy, don't be so judgmental.
Randy: Hey! I am not the one who said Angela's a giant fingernail and the world is her blackboard.
Jill: That was a private conversation I was having with your father.

Tim: We also added a feature I think you're going to enjoy. You know how, at home your door always stays open, allowing pesky insects or that annoying insurance salesman in.
Al: That's why we've installed the Binford 6100 Slide Master. It automatically closes the door once you've walked through it.
Tim: Good. As nice as that feature is, there's always that energetic mosquito that can slide in there. Or a claims adjuster. Boom! They're in and you don't even know about it, right? So I modified this bad boy to close ten times faster than a normal one.
Al: You did?
Tim: Yes! I used a small magnetic diffuser from Binford, right? You just turn it up to the speed you want. Ahh!
All right. Try it. Show them. [Al gives a look to camera] Heidi, please demonstrate the door.
Heidi: Yeah, right.
Tim: All right. I'll do it. Presto. You walk through and the door shuts. [crash] [man shouts] When you install these at home, you might want to use shatterproof glass.
Al: And a small part of your brain.
Tim: Well, that's it for the show today. Join us tomorrow when we show our segment, "The Resourceful Tool Man."
Al: And our discussion panel, "Sump Pumps: How They Work..."
Tim: And are they the right thing to wear with an evening gown?