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‘The Bud Bowl’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: The Bud Bowl

520. The Bud Bowl

Aired March 5, 1996

Tim begs Jill to spend the evening at a bowling alley with Bud and his wife. Meanwhile, Brad and Angela set Randy up with her younger sister.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Put away the fish, get out your bowling shoes. We're going bowling and dinner with Bud and his wife tonight.
Jill: Tonight? I can't go tonight. I have that lecture for my Abnormal Psych class.
Tim: You don't have to go to that. You know what they're going to say. "There's a lot of crazy people out there and there's nothing we can do about it."
Jill: You're living proof of that.

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Quote from Jill

Jill: You say that you need me by your side. And then you don't even treat me like a person. You acted like I was just one of your appendages.
Tim: Well, forgive me for thinking my career's important.
Jill: Apparently, that's all you think is important.
Tim: Oh, that's not true. Where you hit me with the bowling ball I find quite important too.
Jill: Well, that's OK. Because I think it's gonna have plenty of time to heal!

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Hey, Wilson. Am I losing my mind? Or do I hear crickets in the middle of winter?
Wilson: Well, you certainly do, neighbor. I brought my pet crickets out to serenade me.
Tim: Wilson, have you ever had a normal pet?
Wilson: Well, I had a marmoset once. But my ocelot ate it.
Tim: You're one odd duck, Wilson.
Wilson: I had one of those. Ocelot got it, too.

Quote from Tim

Jill: I can't just drop everything because Bud wants to go bowling.
Tim: No, no, no. This is not about bowling. This is about selling Bud on my future with Binford. I got big plans. This could be the start of the Tim Taylor empire.
Jill: The Tim Taylor empire? [laughs]
Tim: Come on. I mean, why does it just have to be Tool Time? How about Car Time? And we could add the spin-off, Tool Time: The Next Generation. And how about an interactive Tim?
Jill: I've been looking for one of those for years.

Quote from Bud

Bud: Oh, boy! This is what bowling's all about. No food, no wives and no going home until I beat you.
[Tim throws a gutter ball]
Bud: Did my wife tell you what happened to the vice president who threw the game?
Tim: Wearing a turban?
Bud: Fez.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: And anyway, what's wrong with me caring about my career?
Wilson: Well, Tim, maybe Jill just feels that you put your ambition ahead of her feelings. You know, I'm reminded of the English critic John Ruskin, who said: "When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a very small package."
Tim: Yeah, but my grandma always told me good things come in small packages.
Wilson: How true, how true.
Tim: Mm-hm-hm-hm-hm.
Wilson: Of course, you're the one whose wife isn't talking to him. Mm-hm-hm-hm-hm.

Quote from Jill

Tim: If I'd known you were gonna act like this, I wouldn't have let you come.
Jill: Let me come? You begged me to come!
Tim: Because I thought you were gonna be helpful.
Jill: Ugh, you are absolutely unbelievable. First you make me miss my lecture. Then you tell me what I can or can't say to Bud. I'm not allowed to eat. And then I have to throw the best game of my life.
Tim: I just wanted you to be more flexible.
Jill: Flexible? Whatever direction you pointed me in, I was expected to perform. I was like your little Binford windup wife.
Tim: Binford doesn't make a windup wife!

Quote from Bud

Tim: Well, Jill didn't have all that much fun, and I'm not going to ask her to do it again. Even if it means me going to Pakistan and doing Turban Time.
Bud: Pakistan?
Tim: Yeah. Jean told me all about that last vice president. Beat you in bowling, you shipped him off to Pakistan.
Bud: Ah. Oh. Did she also tell you it was her idiot brother who was embezzling money from the company?
Tim: I think she might have left out that little detail.
Bud: Uh-huh. I built that plant in Pakistan so we'd have a place to send him.
Tim: So you're not the type of guy to hold a grudge against someone who beat you.
Bud: Of course not. I'm a better businessman than that.
Tim: In that case, I got some ideas I want to run by you about Binford and my future.
Bud: Well, I want to hear them. Call my secretary and make an appointment, OK? Oh, oh, wait a minute. I sent her to Pakistan, too.

Quote from Jill

Jill: What was all that about?
Randy: Oh, nothing. Brad and Angela are trying to get me to go out with her little sister. I'm kind of worried she's gonna be as annoying as Angela.
Jill: Now, Randy, don't be so judgmental.
Randy: Hey! I am not the one who said Angela's a giant fingernail and the world is her blackboard.
Jill: That was a private conversation I was having with your father.

Quote from Tim

Tim: We also added a feature I think you're going to enjoy. You know how, at home your door always stays open, allowing pesky insects or that annoying insurance salesman in.
Al: That's why we've installed the Binford 6100 Slide Master. It automatically closes the door once you've walked through it.
Tim: Good. As nice as that feature is, there's always that energetic mosquito that can slide in there. Or a claims adjuster. Boom! They're in and you don't even know about it, right? So I modified this bad boy to close ten times faster than a normal one.
Al: You did?
Tim: Yes! I used a small magnetic diffuser from Binford, right? You just turn it up to the speed you want. Ahh!
All right. Try it. Show them. [Al gives a look to camera] Heidi, please demonstrate the door.
Heidi: Yeah, right.
Tim: All right. I'll do it. Presto. You walk through and the door shuts. [crash] [man shouts] When you install these at home, you might want to use shatterproof glass.
Al: And a small part of your brain.
Tim: Well, that's it for the show today. Join us tomorrow when we show our segment, "The Resourceful Tool Man."
Al: And our discussion panel, "Sump Pumps: How They Work..."
Tim: And are they the right thing to wear with an evening gown?

Quote from Tim

Bud: Hey! Hey! Great show, Tim.
Tim: Thank you, boss.
Bud: Yeah, although try telling that to the guy you just sent to the emergency room.
Tim: Oh, boy. Hey, Dave! Use my name down there - you'll get the Tim Taylor suite.
Al: Put some pressure on that.
Tim: Use some salve and ointments on that.

Quote from Bud

Bud: You know, Tim, it occurred to me that you and I have never gone out socially.
Tim: Bud, if you're asking me out on a date, I'll need more time. I gotta get my hair done or something.
Bud: Would you and Jill like to go bowling and have dinner with me and my wife tonight? And afterwards we can grab some dinner.
Tim: It sounds like it's right up my alley.
Bud: Yeah, all right. OK. Good deal.
Al: You know, Ilene and I love to bowl. And, you know, we're free tonight.
Bud: You're still free tonight.

Quote from Randy

Brad: You don't have a date tonight, right?
Randy: Why do you always assume I have no life?
Brad: Well, do you have plans?
Randy: Totally free. What's up?
Brad: Well, Angela wants you to go out with her younger sister.
Angela: You'd really like her. Her name's Jessica. And she thinks you're, like, really, really cute, and she's, like, really, really cute. Even though she takes after my dad's side of the family, which is, like, a total drag for her because they're all alcoholics and drink themselves into an early grave.
Randy: Is she anything like you?
Angela: Oh, yeah. People say we're really, like, alike.
Brad: Randy, it's your lucky day.
Angela: She'll be so disappointed if you don't go out with her, so I just wish you'd, like, think about it, 'cause it would really mean a lot to her, and would totally mean a lot to me...
Randy: OK, OK! I'll, like, totally think about it.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Come on, honey. When an important guy like Bud asks you to socialize, you do it because it's good for your career.
Jill: Well, what about my lecture?
Tim: Can't you find somebody to videotape it? I mean, how many times have I asked you to do something like this?
Jill: If I do this for you, what do I get out of it?
Tim: Well, the satisfaction of knowing you're on the ground floor of the beginning of the Tim Taylor empire. [off Jill's look] How about a watch?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Do you ever wonder how many feet have been in a pair of rented bowling shoes?
Tim: No. But my guess would be an even number.

Quote from Jill

Jean: I feel like I know you already from watching Tool Time.
Bud: Yeah, Jean's a big fan of the show.
Tim: Really?
Jean: Oh, yeah. I just love the clever way you pretend to be so inept.
Jill: It's a gift.

Quote from Bud

Bud: So, how are the psychology classes going, Jill?
Tim: Well, I'd tell you, but I don't want to ruin your evening.
Bud: I understand. School is tough. When I went back to get my degree, I had to go at night because I was working full-time.
Jill: Really?
Bud: Yeah. I never thought I'd make it, but here I am.
Tim: Yeah. Bowling with the Tool Man.
Bud: That's the dream that kept me going.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Can I talk to you about your bowling?
Jill: I am bowling the best game of my life. Isn't it great?
Tim: It is. Can you stop?
Jill: What?
Tim: Well, apparently, Bud is a bad loser. He holds a grudge.
Jill: So, you want me to throw the best game of my life because Bud is a sore loser?
Tim: You used to do it with the boys when you played go fish.
Jill: When they were five!

Quote from Tim

Jean: Go, honey.
Bud: Hey, look at that! Yeah! All right!
Tim: Strike!
Bud: Wait a minute. Aren't you rooting for the wrong team?
Tim: You're not Jill. That's Jill. Must be the lighting. Jill, remember that little tip I gave you about bowling correctly?
Jill: I'm not interested in your tips.
Tim: Ripped your pants. [Jill hits Tim in the crotch as she swings her bowling ball back] Oh!

Quote from Brad

Randy: So, Jessica, did you like the pizza?
Jessica: Well, l...
Angela: She totally loves pizza. That's, like, all she eats. Remember that one time we were in that Chinese restaurant, Chang Wu's?
Jessica: Oh, yeah...
Angela: She asked Mr. Wu, "Do you have pizza?" He stared at her like she was totally crazy. It was, like, so embarrassing. She should have just had a hamburger like I did.
Randy: Wait a second. You got a hamburger at a Chinese restaurant?
Brad: Yeah, I've never heard of that. I always get the burrito.

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