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‘Clash of the Taylors’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Clash of the Taylors

702. Clash of the Taylors

Aired September 30, 1997

Tim is upset when Randy questions Binford's environmental record in an article for the school player.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, how was your bus ride?
Randy: Mom, I'm going to write my article.
Tim: You're not writing anything until you get the facts straight!
Randy: So, now you're telling me what I can and can't write? You're acting like some tyrannical fascist.
Tim: Did he just call me a dinosaur?

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Quote from Wilson

Tim: Randy wrote an article in there exposing Binford's poor environmental record. I'm real angry about it.
Wilson: Well, Tim, why are you angry? Because Randy wrote the article or because of Binford's poor record?
Tim: Both. Not to mention the fact that he called me a sell-out. The information caused a riot on Tool Time. I don't know what to believe.
Wilson: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. You know, I'm reminded of something the Polish linguist Alfred Korzybski once said.
Tim: "Why can't my name be Johnson?"
Wilson: Korzybski said, "There are two ways to slide easily through life: To believe everything or to doubt everything. Both ways save you from thinking."

Quote from Jill

Jill: Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Hansen. I'm Jill Taylor, your counseling intern.
Lou Hansen: Nice to meet you.
Jill: Well. Before we begin, I'd like to talk a little bit about my methodology. I am an avid proponent of emotionally-focused couples therapy, which is founded on the belief that couples hide their primary emotions and instead exhibit secondary reactive emotions, which result in negative interactions, such as pursue/distance, or blame/withdraw. Serving as a defense against the more vulnerable primary emotions. Any questions?
Lou Hansen: Are you the only therapist or can we get someone else?

Quote from Tim

Jill: Look, Randy is young and idealistic. It's natural that he's gonna get carried away with things that are important to him.
Tim: What if this is just the beginning? What if he tells us we can't wear leather or eat meat? Or he starts falling in love with dolphins and he says we've got to throw out all our tuna? I'll only say this once. I love my kids. But I will never, ever give up my tuna.
Jill: [momentarily speechless] Later.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Great news. I got accepted in a special program at school. I'm gonna be counseling families.
Tim: Well, congratulations, Jill.
Jill: I am so excited. I finally get to implement some of these techniques I've been studying.
Tim: If you get stuck, try my counseling technique. "People, people, get over it!"

Quote from Tim

Randy: Well, I finally got my next topic for the school paper. I'm gonna write about what local companies are doing to protect the environment.
Jill: That's a fantastic idea.
Tim: Why don't you write about Binford? They've got all sorts of programs. Recycling, water conservation...
Jill: They even tried to get your dad to carpool with Al.
Tim: You can only love your planet so much, honey.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey! I not only have principles, I'm your ride home.
Randy: I'll take public transportation.
Tim: Hey, don't use your fancy words with me. It's called a bus!

Quote from Jill

Jill: Tim, as helpful as that is...
Brad: Mom?
Jill: ...I think kindness is a more effective approach.
Mark: Mom, there's no food.
Jill: I use compassion and sensitivity...
Brad: Mom
Jill: ...to nurture people, you know, like a flower.
Brad: Mom, Mom!
Jill: What?!
Brad: When are you gonna go to the store?
Jill: I'll go when I'm good and ready to go to the store! And if you don't like the food that's in the house, you can go to the store yourself or starve!
Tim: Now, that flower you were talking about... Did you say "nurture" or "torture"?

Quote from Tim

Jill: You know, Randy, I was a social activist in high school. I was very involved in the feminist movement. Went to rallies where hundreds of women burned their bras.
Tim: I cheered those women on.
Randy: Well, Dad, you always have been known for your great social conscience.
Tim: Hey, pal, I'll have you know that in high school I spent eight months trying to save an endangered species.
Randy: Really? Which one?
Jill: The muscle car.

Quote from Tim

Bud: Wait, Tim. See, he doesn't understand how business works. You see, rushing a plan like this could affect jobs, and Binford's financial well-being.
Randy: Well, what about the well-being of the environment? Without clean air to breathe, you don't have customers to buy your tools. I mean, besides, do people really need fourteen different types of hacksaws?
Tim: People do!

Quote from Tim

Gus: How about answering the man?
Audience: Yeah!
Gail: Hey. How come every time I drive by the plant all that smoke is coming out of the stacks?
Tim & Al: They're smokestacks!
Tim: What do you expect coming out of there? Whipped cream? What do you want, huh?

Quote from Al

Gus: I think they're both in on it.
Ralph: Absolutely!
Gail: Yeah!
Al: This is a witch hunt.
Gail: Oh, come on. We want the truth!
Gus: And we want it now!
Ralph: Yeah!
Al: You are out of order. And you are out of order! You know, this whole audience is out of order!
Ralph: Well, you're nothing but a big flannel fraud!
Audience: Yeah!
Tim & Al: We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.
Al: All right, that's it! Show's over! Everybody get out!

Quote from Tim

Wilson: Well, Tim, when you were Randy's age didn't you have some burning cause that you were passionate about?
Tim: Auto shop. They tried to eliminate it from my school and I fought to keep it there. Everybody thought I was crazy. I just fought harder.
Wilson: Did it cause you to act in an obnoxious way?
Tim: Uh-uh. Not unless you consider hot gluing the principal's door shut obnoxious.
Wilson: Especially if the principal was inside the office.
Tim: And he was.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Thanks, Wilson. You can go back to your "transcen-dental floss" thing.

Quote from Tim

Mark: Still peeling potatoes?
Tim: Potato. It takes longer to peel these things than it does to grow them.
Brad: Wow. I'm surprised you haven't developed the Power Peeler.
Tim: [grunts] Hey.

Quote from Tim

Randy: Writing about Binford sounds like a good idea.
Tim: I'll get you some pamphlets. They got a whole bunch of them on their environmental policy. Probably cleared a rain forest just to print them. [chuckles]

Quote from Tim

Jill: Potatoes again.
Tim: You bet.
Jill: What have you done to my peeler?
Tim: What was once electric is now pneumatic. I can shear 50 pounds of potatoes in six seconds. [holds up a tiny triangle of sheared potato]
Jill: You must be so proud.
Tim: I have my days.

Quote from Tim

Tim: So, how did your first day of counseling go?
Jill: Don't ask. This couple just did not get that secondary reactive emotions lead to negative interaction.
Tim: Wow. Some people are so thick.

Quote from Tim

Randy: Dad, I was just doing some research on Binford for my article.
Tim: Did you read the pamphlets I gave you?
Randy: Yeah, but then I got on the Internet and got Pollution Watcher's top ten list for Detroit. You know Binford's on here.
Tim: Binford made the top ten? All right!
Randy: No, Dad, it's a list of the top ten biggest polluters.
Tim: Binford?
Jill: I didn't know Binford had a problem with pollution.
Tim: They don't have a problem with pollution! These environmentalists tend to overreact. You know, just like the dentist. Those wussy dentists that scurry out of the room when the x-ray goes on, huh?

Quote from Tim

Randy: Dad, it's right on the printout.
Tim: You know, just because you read it on the Internet does not make it true. You want to find the facts? Let's go right to the horse's mouth. I'll set up an interview with Bud Harper.
Randy: Dad, you really think the president of Binford's gonna want to meet with a high-school kid?
Tim: Maybe I'll remind him the high-school kid's father is Binford's biggest TV star.
Jill: Who just spent a whole week inventing the world's stupidest potato peeler.

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