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‘Love's Labor Lost (Part 2)’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Love's Labor Lost (Part 2)

819. Love's Labor Lost (Part 2)

Aired March 2, 1999

Jill is distraught when she comes round from surgery and learns she has had a hysterectomy. Tim and Jill's mother, Lillian (Polly Holliday), try to help her recover and adjust to her new reality.

Quote from Jill

Jill: You told him? I can't believe it! I'm so... Tim, if I had wanted my advisor to know about the hysterectomy, I would have told him. How could you do this to me?
Lillian: Well, honey, don't bite his head off...
Jill: Mother, please! I don't need him to get me an extension. I don't need Wilson to tell me about menopause on the Mayflower! I don't need Heidi flaunting her perfect boobs in my face! And I most especially don't need Al comparing me to his bearded aunt! God! [storms off]
Tim: Let the mood swings begin.

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Quote from Jill

Jill: Well, you're gonna have to finish it without me because I have to work on my thesis.
Lillian: Oh, that'll solve everything. Then what are you gonna hide behind when you're done with that? Jill, honey, I know you weren't expecting to have a hysterectomy at your age. And I know it must be very hard. But you've got to stop taking your anger out on other people and deal with your loss.
Jill: I am dealing with my loss, Mom. This is the way I am dealing with my loss! I'm sorry! I am very angry! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this, this empty way I feel! I hate the way I look to myself now. I hate that doctor for doing this to me! I hate my body! I hate myself! I hate everybody and everything! Oh, God!
Lillian: Oh, honey, honey.
Jill: I just feel so old and useless.

Quote from Tim

Jill: He took my ovaries?
Tim: He said there was no choice, honey.
Jill: Oh, God! I have cancer?
Tim: No, no, no, no. No, no. You have "twisted sisters."
Jill: What? What is that? What, you just mean twisted cysts?
Tim: Cysts, yes. And they're benign. So everything is good.

Quote from Jill

Heidi: Well, you look great, Jill. It's hard to believe you just went through major surgery, you know?
Jill: Really?
Heidi: Yeah.
Jill: Thanks. [Heidi removes her jacket] [inner monologue:] Oh, for God's sake! Put the coat back on! I can't believe I have to look at this perfect young fertile body while I'm laying up here like a dried-up old prune.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I never knew that it was so rough on you.
Lillian: Well, every woman has a rough time. And, you know, in my day, we didn't talk about it so easily. The only thing we shared were recipes.
Jill: Well, I can't do that. Nobody wants mine.
Lillian: Oh, that's not true.

Quote from Tim

Jill: No. I mean, what about, you know, me with my situation now? I mean, are you gonna want to spend the rest of your days with a hollowed-out old pumpkin?
Tim: Sure!
Jill: Are you gonna still find me desirable?
Tim: I didn't marry you because of your uterus or your ovaries. I married you because of what's inside.

Quote from Jill

Jill: This is whole milk. What, are you trying to kill me?
Tim: No. But I could see how you could think that way.
Jill: This is full of fat and calories.
Tim: It's no worse than your mother's bread pudding.
Jill: Damn! How could you let her make this for me? There's like a pound of butter in here and a dozen eggs. If it doesn't give me a heart attack, it's gonna turn me into a big, old, fat sow.

Quote from Jill

Jill: God! It's hot! It's hot! I'm sweating. God! Why is that window closed?
Tim: Well, it's a little thing we call winter, honey. Honey, maybe this is one of those hot flashes.
Jill: I am not having a hot flash.
Tim: No.
Jill: It is too soon for hot flashes!
Tim: Well, didn't your doctor say if you took some of that estrogen, it would help these hot flashes and mood swings?
Jill: Oh. So now you think I'm having a mood swing?
Tim: I think whatever you're thinking.
Jill: Tim, don't patronize me, okay? I am not gonna take estrogen until I've had a chance to research it.
Tim: All right.
Jill: I can't research it until I've finished my thesis! And I can't finish my thesis 'cause I'm so hot! Why can't you understand that?
Tim: I don't know!

Quote from Tim

Tim: If you want to go back up to her bedroom, better put on your mukluks.
Lillian: Is Jill having a hot flash?
Tim: I guess that's what it is. She wants me to go to the store, get some low-fat milk.
Lillian: Well, just hang in there. Things will get better.
Tim: I hope so. I wonder if I'm gonna make it through menopause.
Lillian: You're doing a great job, Tim. A lot better than my husband.
Tim: I bet the Colonel had a problem with this.
Lillian: When I went through the change, he slipped a card under my door that read, "Get well. On the double."
Tim: Gutsy move.
Lillian: Well, the Colonel was even worse when my mother went through it. She was living with us at the time. He walked in one day, saw her having a hot flash, did an about-face and volunteered to fight in the Korean War. I didn't see him again until 1957.
Tim: Well, didn't the Korean War end in '53?
Lillian: Yes!

Quote from Jill

Jill: Where's Tim?
Lillian: He went out to get you some low-fat milk.
Jill: [sighs] Low-fat milk... Oh, great.
Lillian: Well, that's what he thought you wanted.
Jill: No, Mom. I gotta get this calcium-fortified stuff. It's supposed to be good to prevent osteoporosis. I just wish that he had asked me before he went out.
Lillian: Well, now, Jill, honey, listen to yourself. Ever since the surgery, you've been blaming Tim for everything.
Jill: That is not true, Mom.
Lillian: Well, yes, it is. Now, he tried to make things easier for you at school and you yelled at him. And he waits on you hand and foot, and you yell at him for that, too.
Jill: Mom, look, I just came down here to get a cold drink. I don't need a lecture.
Lillian: Well, this is not a lecture. This is advice that you shouldn't interrupt until I'm finished.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Mom, after you went through menopause, did Dad still find you...
Lillian: Desirable?
Jill: Yeah.
Lillian: You betcha.
Jill: Really? Well... Uh... What about you? Did you still have the same...
Lillian: Same drive?
Jill: Yeah.
Lillian: Actually, even more so. I remember one night he came home from three months on maneuvers, and we went up to the bedroom. And I was just a wild...
Jill: That's okay, Mom! Thank you. That's good! That's good.
Lillian: He saluted me for a week.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, is that you?
Tim: I'll go with no.
Jill: What took you so long? I wanted to talk to you.
Tim: I was at the store getting you some low-fat milk. And in anticipation of your ever-changing moods, I got you a variety. I got 2%. I got you 1%. I got you low-fat skims. I got you lactose-free. I got soy milk, rice milk, goat milk, and for me, milk of magnesia.
Jill: I can't believe you got seven different kinds of milk.
Tim: Well, that's all they had.

Quote from Jill

Heidi: I brought you these. [holds bouquet of flowers]
Jill: Oh, they are so beautiful.
Al: And I brought you these! [walks in with an array of balloons]
Jill: Oh, Al. [inner monologue] What does he think this is? A grand opening?
Al: Balloons really cheered up my mother when she had her hysterectomy.
Jill: [inner monologue] Please, God, take me now!

Quote from Tim

Heidi: When did your mom have a hysterectomy?
Al: While she was in her mid-50s. And she did not react well to "the change." But with the help of hormonal supplements, she bounced right back.
Tim: Put a heck of a dent in the earth's crust.

Quote from Jill

Al: Now my Aunt Martha, she didn't take the hormones and she grew a goatee. On both her chins.
Jill: [inner monologue] Not a jury in the land would convict me.

Quote from Tim

Volunteer: Why don't you just sit down and have a cup of coffee?
Tim: Because I'm going crazy. And I still don't know what's going on with my wife.
Volunteer: Well, we're all concerned, Mr. Wong.
Tim: Do I look like Mr. Wong to you? I'm Mr. Taylor. I'm sorry. This waiting is just driving me crazy.
Volunteer: Oh, and I understand. When my husband Harold went in for surgery, they said it was only gonna take three hours.
Tim: How long did it eventually take?
Volunteer: 15 hours.
Tim: Oof.
Volunteer: Oh, but that included the autopsy.
Tim: I feel a lot better now. Thank you.

Quote from Tim

Nurse: Look who's back.
Tim: Hey. How you feeling?
Jill: Like hell.
Tim: Well, you wouldn't know to look at you.
Jill: I'm sure.
Tim: Anything I can do to help?
Nurse: Yeah, stand back. I've seen Tool Time.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I can't believe it. He took everything. I'm gutted like a fish.
Tim: Oh, no! We don't look at it that way. You had surgery. You had your radiator flushed. You're gonna be running cool now.
Jill: I'm not a car, Tim. I'm only 42 years old. I'm gonna go through menopause 10 years before I'm supposed to.
Tim: You start early, you know. The early bird catches the worm. Honey.

Quote from Tim

Tim: It's hard to tell what flavor this Jell-O is. It's either lime or guacamole.

Quote from Jill

Tim: Hey, honey. Good news. Got another visitor.
Wilson: And we can stay all day.
Jill: [inner monologue] At least the bear doesn't talk.
Bear: Get well soon. Get well soon.

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