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‘This Joke's for You’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: This Joke's for You

303. This Joke's for You

Aired September 29, 1993

Tim is upset when he overhears Randy making fun of him and Tool Time. Meanwhile, Brad tries to read a book to impress Jennifer.

Quote from Al

Al: What, your little bell will send 5,000 volts coursing through my body? [chuckles] While he stands back and yells, "Remember the Al-amo!"
Tim: I just want you to press the bell.
Al: I know... It's just a setup, isn't it? It's one big setup.
Tim: It is not a setup!
Al: Soon you'll start in with the uncalled-for slams against my mother...
Tim: Al.
Al: How she always shops in the husky section. How she wiped out the all-you-can-eat salad bar.
Tim: Al, I simply came out here to put this thing together.
Al: Well, go ahead. Just say it. My mother is a big fat cow!
Tim: Goodness gracious, Al. We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.


Quote from Randy

Randy: Hey, come on, we better get upstairs. This thing could blow at any minute.
Jeremy: Wait a minute. How can you blow up an intercom?
Randy: You don't know my dad. He blew up a dishwasher, a blender and seven toasters.
Tim: Two blenders, five toasters.
Randy: He's had so many accidents, the hospital gave him a preferred customer card.
Tim: Two more head injuries, we get a free trip to Hawaii!

Quote from Brad

Jill: You checked out a book? David Copperfield? Since when have you been into Charles Dickens?
Brad: Mom, I love Charles Dickens. "No author has more brilliantly captured the poignancy of youth."
Jill: Give me a break. Why did you check out that book?
Brad: All right. Jennifer's starting to like this new guy named Lance. They talk about reading all the time, and this is Jennifer's favorite book.
Jill: So you said it was your favorite, too?
Brad: Well, yeah. Now I can talk to her about it.
Jill: You must be really worried about Jennifer, 'cause David Copperfield is a long book.
Brad: How bad can it be? On his last TV special, he made the Statue of Liberty disappear.
Jill: Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no. Honey, no. No. This is not David Copperfield the magician. This is David Copperfield the tortured waif. You know, 64 chapters' worth.
Brad: Oh, man.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Look, Randy jokes about you, you joke about Randy. That's just your relationship.
Tim: This is behind my back.
Jill: What were you doing, eavesdropping on him?
Tim: No. The intercom in his room was on. I just heard him talking.
Jill: You mean it was actually working?
Tim: For a second or so, yeah.
Tim: He was talking about how I screw up all the time at work.
Jill: Well... Honey, it's not exactly a state secret.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: What I'm saying is, when a boy is young, he worships his father. In order for the boy to become a man, he's got to start seeing his father as a fallible human being, stop seeing him as a god.
Tim: It was easier when he thought of me as a god.
Wilson: Well, you've still got some time left with Mark.
Tim: Yeah, I know, but I sure would miss this stuff with Randy. Our relationship is real special. He's a lot like me. We make jokes about each other, but we laugh about it.
Wilson: I'm sure you're gonna miss that, Tim, but for the next four, five years he's gonna seem like a different person.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: I wasn't like that with my dad. I worshiped him.
Wilson: How old were you again when he died?
Tim: 11.
Wilson: How old is Randy now?
Tim: 12, going on... [grunts] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I didn't have a chance to be rude to my dad, 'cause he died before I got the chance.
Wilson: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Tim: Boy, having kids is tough, you know?
Wilson: Why do you think I have rocks?

Quote from Jill

Tim: Does Randy seem different to you lately?
Jill: What do you mean?
Tim: Well, he was making fun of me in front of Jeremy. What kind of guy makes jokes at other people's expense?
Jill: I don't know. Maybe we should ask Al.

Quote from Tim

Randy: Hey, Dad. I'm sorry that you never got a chance to be obnoxious with your father.
Tim: Me too. You know, there was this one time when I was nine, I really got him steamed up, though. He finally let me play with his butane torch.
Randy: Well, what happened?
Tim: I got to ride in a fire truck... and we got a new garage.

Quote from Jill

Jill: How's David Copperfield coming?
Brad: Pretty slow.
Jill: Well, stick with it. It's a classic.
Brad: What ever happens to Aunt Betsey?
Jill: Aunt Betsey? Well...
Tim: Come on, honey. What did happen to Aunt Betsey? You read the book, didn't you?
Jill: Of course I read it. I just don't want to spoil the ending for him.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: I was real serious on Tool Time today.
Wilson: I'm surprised by that, knowing your propensity for jocularity.
Tim: I did it to make a point with Randy. He said I act like an idiot on the show.
Wilson: Ooh, ouch. That hurts. Well, this may be small consolation, Tim, but parents are the bone on which children sharpen their teeth.
Tim: You're right. That's no help at all.

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