Al: What, your little bell will send 5,000 volts coursing through my body? [chuckles] While he stands back and yells, "Remember the Al-amo!"
Tim: I just want you to press the bell.
Al: I know... It's just a setup, isn't it? It's one big setup.
Tim: It is not a setup!
Al: Soon you'll start in with the uncalled-for slams against my mother...
Tim: Al.
Al: How she always shops in the husky section. How she wiped out the all-you-can-eat salad bar.
Tim: Al, I simply came out here to put this thing together.
Al: Well, go ahead. Just say it. My mother is a big fat cow!
Tim: Goodness gracious, Al. We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.

Randy: Hey, come on, we better get upstairs. This thing could blow at any minute.
Jeremy: Wait a minute. How can you blow up an intercom?
Randy: You don't know my dad. He blew up a dishwasher, a blender and seven toasters.
Tim: Two blenders, five toasters.
Randy: He's had so many accidents, the hospital gave him a preferred customer card.
Tim: Two more head injuries, we get a free trip to Hawaii!

Jill: You checked out a book? David Copperfield? Since when have you been into Charles Dickens?
Brad: Mom, I love Charles Dickens. "No author has more brilliantly captured the poignancy of youth."
Jill: Give me a break. Why did you check out that book?
Brad: All right. Jennifer's starting to like this new guy named Lance. They talk about reading all the time, and this is Jennifer's favorite book.
Jill: So you said it was your favorite, too?
Brad: Well, yeah. Now I can talk to her about it.
Jill: You must be really worried about Jennifer, 'cause David Copperfield is a long book.
Brad: How bad can it be? On his last TV special, he made the Statue of Liberty disappear.
Jill: Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no. Honey, no. No. This is not David Copperfield the magician. This is David Copperfield the tortured waif. You know, 64 chapters' worth.
Brad: Oh, man.

Jill: Look, Randy jokes about you, you joke about Randy. That's just your relationship.
Tim: This is behind my back.
Jill: What were you doing, eavesdropping on him?
Tim: No. The intercom in his room was on. I just heard him talking.
Jill: You mean it was actually working?
Tim: For a second or so, yeah.
Tim: He was talking about how I screw up all the time at work.
Jill: Well... Honey, it's not exactly a state secret.

Wilson: What I'm saying is, when a boy is young, he worships his father. In order for the boy to become a man, he's got to start seeing his father as a fallible human being, stop seeing him as a god.
Tim: It was easier when he thought of me as a god.
Wilson: Well, you've still got some time left with Mark.
Tim: Yeah, I know, but I sure would miss this stuff with Randy. Our relationship is real special. He's a lot like me. We make jokes about each other, but we laugh about it.
Wilson: I'm sure you're gonna miss that, Tim, but for the next four, five years he's gonna seem like a different person.

Tim: I wasn't like that with my dad. I worshiped him.
Wilson: How old were you again when he died?
Tim: 11.
Wilson: How old is Randy now?
Tim: 12, going on... [grunts] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I didn't have a chance to be rude to my dad, 'cause he died before I got the chance.
Wilson: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Tim: Boy, having kids is tough, you know?
Wilson: Why do you think I have rocks?

Tim: Does Randy seem different to you lately?
Jill: What do you mean?
Tim: Well, he was making fun of me in front of Jeremy. What kind of guy makes jokes at other people's expense?
Jill: I don't know. Maybe we should ask Al.

Randy: Hey, Dad. I'm sorry that you never got a chance to be obnoxious with your father.
Tim: Me too. You know, there was this one time when I was nine, I really got him steamed up, though. He finally let me play with his butane torch.
Randy: Well, what happened?
Tim: I got to ride in a fire truck... and we got a new garage.

Jill: How's David Copperfield coming?
Brad: Pretty slow.
Jill: Well, stick with it. It's a classic.
Brad: What ever happens to Aunt Betsey?
Jill: Aunt Betsey? Well...
Tim: Come on, honey. What did happen to Aunt Betsey? You read the book, didn't you?
Jill: Of course I read it. I just don't want to spoil the ending for him.

Tim: I was real serious on Tool Time today.
Wilson: I'm surprised by that, knowing your propensity for jocularity.
Tim: I did it to make a point with Randy. He said I act like an idiot on the show.
Wilson: Ooh, ouch. That hurts. Well, this may be small consolation, Tim, but parents are the bone on which children sharpen their teeth.
Tim: You're right. That's no help at all.