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‘This Joke's for You’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: This Joke's for You

303. This Joke's for You

Aired September 29, 1993

Tim is upset when he overhears Randy making fun of him and Tool Time. Meanwhile, Brad tries to read a book to impress Jennifer.

Quote from Al

Al: What, your little bell will send 5,000 volts coursing through my body? [chuckles] While he stands back and yells, "Remember the Al-amo!"
Tim: I just want you to press the bell.
Al: I know... It's just a setup, isn't it? It's one big setup.
Tim: It is not a setup!
Al: Soon you'll start in with the uncalled-for slams against my mother...
Tim: Al.
Al: How she always shops in the husky section. How she wiped out the all-you-can-eat salad bar.
Tim: Al, I simply came out here to put this thing together.
Al: Well, go ahead. Just say it. My mother is a big fat cow!
Tim: Goodness gracious, Al. We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.

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Quote from Randy

Randy: Hey, come on, we better get upstairs. This thing could blow at any minute.
Jeremy: Wait a minute. How can you blow up an intercom?
Randy: You don't know my dad. He blew up a dishwasher, a blender and seven toasters.
Tim: Two blenders, five toasters.
Randy: He's had so many accidents, the hospital gave him a preferred customer card.
Tim: Two more head injuries, we get a free trip to Hawaii!

Quote from Brad

Jill: You checked out a book? David Copperfield? Since when have you been into Charles Dickens?
Brad: Mom, I love Charles Dickens. "No author has more brilliantly captured the poignancy of youth."
Jill: Give me a break. Why did you check out that book?
Brad: All right. Jennifer's starting to like this new guy named Lance. They talk about reading all the time, and this is Jennifer's favorite book.
Jill: So you said it was your favorite, too?
Brad: Well, yeah. Now I can talk to her about it.
Jill: You must be really worried about Jennifer, 'cause David Copperfield is a long book.
Brad: How bad can it be? On his last TV special, he made the Statue of Liberty disappear.
Jill: Oh, no! Oh, no, no, no. Honey, no. No. This is not David Copperfield the magician. This is David Copperfield the tortured waif. You know, 64 chapters' worth.
Brad: Oh, man.

Quote from Jill

Jill: Look, Randy jokes about you, you joke about Randy. That's just your relationship.
Tim: This is behind my back.
Jill: What were you doing, eavesdropping on him?
Tim: No. The intercom in his room was on. I just heard him talking.
Jill: You mean it was actually working?
Tim: For a second or so, yeah.
Tim: He was talking about how I screw up all the time at work.
Jill: Well... Honey, it's not exactly a state secret.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: What I'm saying is, when a boy is young, he worships his father. In order for the boy to become a man, he's got to start seeing his father as a fallible human being, stop seeing him as a god.
Tim: It was easier when he thought of me as a god.
Wilson: Well, you've still got some time left with Mark.
Tim: Yeah, I know, but I sure would miss this stuff with Randy. Our relationship is real special. He's a lot like me. We make jokes about each other, but we laugh about it.
Wilson: I'm sure you're gonna miss that, Tim, but for the next four, five years he's gonna seem like a different person.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: I wasn't like that with my dad. I worshiped him.
Wilson: How old were you again when he died?
Tim: 11.
Wilson: How old is Randy now?
Tim: 12, going on... [grunts] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I didn't have a chance to be rude to my dad, 'cause he died before I got the chance.
Wilson: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Tim: Boy, having kids is tough, you know?
Wilson: Why do you think I have rocks?

Quote from Jill

Tim: Does Randy seem different to you lately?
Jill: What do you mean?
Tim: Well, he was making fun of me in front of Jeremy. What kind of guy makes jokes at other people's expense?
Jill: I don't know. Maybe we should ask Al.

Quote from Tim

Randy: Hey, Dad. I'm sorry that you never got a chance to be obnoxious with your father.
Tim: Me too. You know, there was this one time when I was nine, I really got him steamed up, though. He finally let me play with his butane torch.
Randy: Well, what happened?
Tim: I got to ride in a fire truck... and we got a new garage.

Quote from Jill

Jill: How's David Copperfield coming?
Brad: Pretty slow.
Jill: Well, stick with it. It's a classic.
Brad: What ever happens to Aunt Betsey?
Jill: Aunt Betsey? Well...
Tim: Come on, honey. What did happen to Aunt Betsey? You read the book, didn't you?
Jill: Of course I read it. I just don't want to spoil the ending for him.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: I was real serious on Tool Time today.
Wilson: I'm surprised by that, knowing your propensity for jocularity.
Tim: I did it to make a point with Randy. He said I act like an idiot on the show.
Wilson: Ooh, ouch. That hurts. Well, this may be small consolation, Tim, but parents are the bone on which children sharpen their teeth.
Tim: You're right. That's no help at all.

Quote from Brad

Tim: All right, listen, what do you think Nana called her when she was little?
Mark: Jill?
Tim: A name that might annoy her.
Brad: Tim. [laughs]
Tim: Back off, all right?

Quote from Tim

Al: Tim, where... where are y... Well, while we're waiting for Tim, I, uh... I would... well, I'd like to regale you with an anecdote about my first sawhorse. Her name was Lilly.
[The Lone Ranger theme plays as Tim rides in on a mechanical saw-horse]
Tim: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.
Al: Your sawhorse has an engine?
Tim: Right. It'll do 160 on the interstate. Listen to this thing idle.
Al: Well, take it out of gear.
Tim: Huh?
Al: Out of gear.
Tim: Aah! [Tim crashes into the camera] Ohh!

Quote from Tim

Mark: Dad, can we use the intercom yet?
Tim: Not yet. We ran the speaker wires to the amplifier, down to the transformer, which we goosed up to give it what?
Mark: More power!
Tim: Yeah.
Mark: Dad, is the transformer the thing that you set on fire?
Tim: You call that a fire? No, when I fixed the water heater, that was a fire.

Quote from Tim

Tim: All right, I should be able to get your mom now. [into intercom] Hey, Jill, can you hear me? Jill can you hear me?
Jill: Of course I can hear you. I'm right behind you.
Tim: Thought you were in the garage. We're testing out the new intercom. Today is the day.
Jill: That you come to your senses and realize we don't need an intercom?
Tim: The day I come to my senses is a long way off.

Quote from Tim

Randy: What's that, the Emergency Broadcast System?
Tim: Yeah. We're at war with the English. Apparently they want their muffins back. [British accent] All right, line 'em up. Give us our muffins.
Randy: Dad.
Tim: Shine 'em up. Put butter on 'em. I want... All right, boys...
Randy: Dad. Dad, could we?

Quote from Tim

Tim: He said they should change the name of the show from Tool Time to Fool Time.
Jill: Look, if this is really bothering you this much, I think you should talk to him about it.
Tim: I don't wanna talk to him.
Jill: Well, you can't let stuff like this fester.
Tim: Sure I can. Guys always let stuff fester. Remember The Addams Family? Uncle Fester, not Aunt Fester.
Jill: Whoa. Excellent point, Tim.
Tim: I'll call him down here. [into intercom] Hey, Randy, come down here. I want to talk to you for a minute.
Man: [over intercom] Flight 211, you're clear for takeoff on runway seven.

Quote from Brad

Brad: Man, I finally got through the introduction.
Randy: Man, by the time you finish that book, Jennifer's gonna be a grandmother.
Brad: Yeah, but if I wanna keep her, I have to get through it.
Randy: Why? You never read anything for a girl before.
Brad: Yeah, but this is junior high. You have to work a lot harder to impress the girls.
Randy: So sticking straws up your nose doesn't work anymore?
Brad: Oh, no. That's still big.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Would you mind going downstairs for a minute so I can talk to Randy?
Brad: Come on, Dad. I'm trying to read.
Tim: You can read it later. "David Copperfield"? That guy's great. He made the Statue of Liberty disappear.
Brad: Wrong guy, Dad. This is about the tragic waif.
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah, the tragic waif.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Bye, Mom.
Jill: [whispers] Say something to your father.
Randy: Oh, yeah. Dad, by the way, I'm still getting the all-Spanish station through my intercom.
Tim: That's real funny. Don't quit your day job.

Quote from Tim

Jill: So, did you get what I was trying to tell you about Randy?
Tim: I suppose. It really hurts that he thinks that I'm a joke. I try to be a real good father to these boys.
Jill: You're a great father.
Tim: And I'm a cool father.
Jill: Very cool.
Tim: I can burp with the best of 'em.
Jill: Yes, you can.
Tim: I can turn my eyelids inside out and do that.
Jill: Like nobody else.
Tim: I can flick ear wax 20 feet across a room.
Jill: That's why I married you.

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