Jill: What is this thing on your head?
Tim: It's a little piece of table.
Randy: What happened?
Tim: Old Mr. Negativity, Al, distracted me and I got my head cemented to this table. He had to take a sabre saw to get me off of that table.
Jill: Don't you think you should go to the emergency room?
Tim: I was just there. They said I wasn't a priority.
Jill: Why? Was there a guy with a whole table stuck to his head?

Tim: You notice I'm not laughing.
Jill: Yeah, we'll be good. Come on, come on. Right. Randy, set the table.
Randy: Okay. Dad, bend over.

Wilson: You'd be surprised. Actually, the female of the species can be very aggressive.
Tim: So, what you're saying is that when women ruled the world, things weren't all that peaceful and nice.
Wilson: No. No, no, no, no, Tim. Absolute power corrupts absolutely, with women as well as men. In ancient Africa, they had entire female armies. In Babylon, they would burn a man at the stake every spring to ensure the fertility of the crops.
Tim: Ooh. That's a hell of a price to pay for zucchini.
Wilson: Well, I don't know, Tim. Maybe one day, men and women will learn to share the power. To cooperate rather than dominate.

Brad: Dad, I'm scared.
Tim: It's good to be scared. All guys are scared.
Brad: They are?
Tim: Yeah, it goes way back to Babylon. When men were scared of being burned at the stake by a bunch of maître d's.
Brad: Dad.

Tim: Hands and tools. Hands and tools. Ever looked in the eyes of a man who was building something like a bamboo fly rod, a mahogany boat, or a billeted steel piece for a hot rod? Do you see aggression and destruction? No, you see contentment. Hands and tools, hands and tools can change the world, from building the smallest hobbyist train to the largest outboard-motor engines. Look at this bad boy. Most of you see just a hunk of metal. Not me. This is hundreds of parts working at high rpm, 800 horsepower, tolerances of 1000. Machined by hand, blueprinted and polished. [grunts] But men aren't just into power and steel. Craftsmanship, like this exquisite artwork here. Not Al, the panel. This antique Chinese privacy screen, on loan to us from the Detroit Institute of Arts, is composed of intricate carvings... I think 2,000 man-hours. Correct? 2,000 man-hours. Imagine that. Intricacy beyond belief. Every delicate little nuance is as delicate as crystal. Each piece is so delicate, it could be snapped off just like that... [snaps off a piece] Very often they made a few movable pieces in these pieces... kind of like those little Chinese boxes that you don't know how to open 'em. They're movable parts. Al, do you suppose this is movable, this piece?
Al: I don't think so, Tim.
Tim: Go get me that glue.
Al: What for? Are you gonna glue it to your forehead?

Karen: Oh, come on, Tim. Look at all the wars you've started.
Tim: Jill, how many wars have I started?
Jill: She just means that most wars are started by men.
Tim: Women start wars, too. Did you see the film, War of the Amazons?
Jill: Whoa, he's got us there.
Karen: Oh, boy, does he ever.
Tim: I'll have you know those were very fierce soldiers. I had nightmares about that movie.
Karen: Oh, so you're intimidated by strong women? Is that what you're saying, Tim?
Tim: When they're in groups and naked, yeah.

Jill: I still don't understand how you did this.
Tim: I did it because of you two.
Jill: Us?
Karen: What did we do?
Tim: I was trying to make a point on the show that men don't just destroy things with hammers and nails and tools.
Karen: No, they also glue.
Jill: [laughs] I'm sorry, honey. We shouldn't make fun - although I did hear a great joke today. [knocks on Tim's head] Knock, knock.

Tim: Wilson, do you think I'm a peace-loving guy?
Wilson: Well, definitely, Tim.
Tim: You ever known me to start any wars?
Wilson: No, but I was out of town that one weekend.

Tim: We were on a manly mission today, honey. I initiated Mark, I took him down to Kelley's Hardware Store. We went through every inch of that. Mark, where are the router bits?
Mark: Aisle 2-A.
Tim: All right. Screwdrivers?
Mark: Aisle 3-B.
Tim: What's on the top shelf?
Mark: Phillips head.
Tim: What kind of handle do they have?
Mark: Square-shanked, slotted?
Tim: Yeah.
Mark: Yeah.
Tim: You are a man today, Mark. And, you know, a man just isn't a man without his own... Hank the Handyman drill.

Tim: Oh, honey, you should've been there with us. It was the winter warehouse sale. Everything was half off.
Jill: Yeah, and I suppose you only got the essentials.
Tim: You bet. Butterfly hinges, casing knife, point driver...
Jill: Well, every house needs a point driver. What is this essential thing?
Tim: Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho. This is the ultimate power tool. Binford's best 4000 series... reciprocating saw. Three-quarter-horse motor. No tool arsenal is complete without this thing. Pure power. You could saw through the refrigerator with this thing.
Jill: Wouldn't it be easier to open the door?