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‘Games, Flames and Automobiles’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Games, Flames and Automobiles

526. Games, Flames and Automobiles

Aired May 21, 1996

Feeling he hasn't achieved anything in his life as he approaches the "big three-seven", Al invests his life-savings into marketing the Tool Time game he created.

Quote from Al

Al: Boy, this is great! I'm telling you, the phones are ringing off the hook! I never thought this game would catch fire so soon.
Tim: Well, it did.
Al: What do you need to talk to me about?
Tim: Well, I think they might have put the wrong wire in it. It's defective. We played it last night and it caught fire.
Al: Caught fire? Everything you do catches fire.

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Quote from Heidi

Heidi: Good show, Al.
Al: Thank you.
Heidi: Tim, do you want the big ice pack or the small ice pack today?
Tim: Ow. I'll take the small one. It's just my head.

Quote from Wilson

Jill: Oh, come on! We've been at this for 11 hours. I need a break.
Tim: What you need is some hot coffee. Look how fast Wilson's working.
Wilson: [speaks rapidly] You know, I never was much of a coffee drinker. In fact, this if the first time I've ever had one full cup, let alone eight cups. It was really quite invigorating. It reminds me of the Buddhist monks after Zen meditation.
Tim: No more coffee for Wilson.
Wilson: I need chocolate and I need it now!
Ilene: Al's gonna be so touched when he sees his friends have fixed all his games.
Wilson: Well, Euripides said, "True friendship is shown in times of trouble: prosperity is full of friends."

Quote from Al

Heidi: How about you, Al? Got anything planned?
Al: Aw, just going up to my cabin, all by myself, thinking about how the best years of my life have slipped away.
Heidi: Well, have fun.
Al: [sighs] You hate seeing me like this, don't you?
Tim: Yes, I do. That's why I'm leaving.
Al: All right, all right. I know you're not going to be able to rest until you know what's bothering me. I'm depressed because I have that big birthday coming up. You know, the big three-seven.
Tim: "The big three-seven"? Generally, the big birthdays would be the big three-O, the big four-O.
Al: I've just always marched to the beat of a different drummer.
Tim: Maybe it's time you marched to the couch of a psychiatrist.

Quote from Tim

Tim: How does it feel to work on your first hot rod?
Mark: Dad, I worked on the last one.
Tim: You did? What did you do?
Mark: Tightened the radiator hose.
Tim: I remember the radiator hose, but I don't remember you. [grunts] Oh, yeah.
Mark: Thanks a lot, Dad.
Tim: Don't take it personally. When a man works on a hot rod, he tunes out all that doesn't have a motor in it.

Quote from Brad

Brad: Dad, what are you doing?
Tim: Fixing Al's motor. Took me 12 minutes.
Brad: Why are you timing yourself?
Tim: Well, I'm trying to figure out how I can redo all his motors in two days. I've got six people working on 500 motors. 12 minutes a piece. That means they can all be fixed in...
Brad: A lot less time than it'll take you to figure out the answer?

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: [speaks rapidly] You know, that reminds me of French Madame de Staël, who said, "Love is above the law, above the opinion of men: the State, the flame, the ideal story of the modern world."
Tim: Give me the chocolate bar.
Wilson: Does anybody else feel like your heart is about to leap out of your chest?

Quote from Heidi

Heidi: So, guys, enjoy your next two weeks off.
Tim: You doing something special?
Heidi: Only taking my dream vacation - island-hopping in the Caribbean. How about you?
Tim: "Only taking my dream vacation..." Me and the hot rod in the garage.

Quote from Al

Al: Well, I guess you're wondering why I'm having all these extra lines put in.
Bob: Nope.
Al: You ever watch Tool Time?
Bob: Nope.
Al: You like board games?
Bob: Nope.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Hey, Al.
Al: Hey, Tim.
Bob: Hey, I know you!
Tim: You like Tool Time, huh?
Bob: Nope. My wife's head nurse on the emergency ward.
Tim: It's Marge. You must be Bob.
Phone Guy: Yeah.
Tim: I've heard a lot about you. Say, did you ever get over that little gambling problem?
Bob: Oh, you bet! Anyway... well, you're all set. All three lines are working.
Tim: OK. When you see Marge, tell her I'll see her soon.
Bob: Hey, I'd put money on it!

Quote from Tim

Tim: Al, what's going on? Jill told me you put your life savings into this board game?
Al: Yes, I did! I told you about that when I came over.
Tim: You came over?
Al: Yeah. You were putting in the drive shaft.
Tim: I remember the drive shaft, but I don't remember you.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Al, aren't you getting a little ahead of yourself? You haven't sold one game yet.
Al: Ah, that's what they said to Milton Bradley. That's what they said to the Parker Brothers.
Tim: And don't forget the Parcheesi sisters.

Quote from Jill

Ilene: Jill, maybe you're right. Maybe it is time for me to break it off with Al.
Jill: Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no! Completely the wrong time.
Ilene: But you just said...?
Jill: Forget what I said. I say a lot of things. I don't mean any of 'em.
Ilene: So you don't mean what you're saying right now?
Jill: No. This is the only thing I've ever meant.
Ilene: Did Tim tell you something?
Jill: No. I know nothing. Nothing! And even if I did know something, I wouldn't be allowed to tell you.
Ilene: But I could guess? And you could nod? Is what you don't know a good thing? [Jill nods] Is this a very, very good thing? [Jill smiles and nods] Is this a call-your-parents, pick-out-a-china-pattern thing? [Jill nods excitedly] Oh, my God! No way! [screams] I am so happy!
Jill: I know. I know. [Ilene giggles as she runs out of the house]

Quote from Mark

Tim: You know, he is gonna sell a lot of these. You play it once, and you gotta buy another one.
Jill: What happened?
Mark: It caught on fire.
Tim & Jill: We know that.

Quote from Al

Al: Oh, no. Oh, my God! This is... this is a disaster! People could get hurt! I could lose my entire life savings!
Tim: Well, actually that would be, um...
Al: Double my life savings!

Quote from Al

Tim: Where are you going?
Al: I'm going up to my cabin one last time before I have to sell it.
Tim: So, you're just gonna run away?
Al: What's the point? I'm bankrupt. I have no future, and I have no right to ask Ilene to marry me. What am I supposed to do?
Dave: Here. Have a fortune cookie. They always cheer people up.
Al: "You've gone as far as you can go in life."
Tim & Dave: Try another one.
Al: "Your best days are behind you."

Quote from Al

Al: It's just I thought when I... When I reached this age, I'd be successful!
Tim: You are successful.
Al: No, I'm not. I'm a 37-year-old bachelor who's a career second banana. I don't have any creativity. I have very little pizzazz.
Tim: You have absolutely no pizzazz. But you can be creative.
Al: Name one creative thing I ever did on Tool Time.
Tim: Umm... well, "Gadget Corner."
Al: That was your idea.
Tim: No. I just took credit for it. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What about that Tool Time game you designed?
Al: That was mine. You liked that?
Tim: No. I thought it was stupid. But everybody else liked it.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Tim, did you tell Al that he was creative?
Tim: Yeah. I had to. Otherwise I'd still be at Tool Time listening to him whining. "I'm such a loser. I have no life left. Even my beard doesn't fit my face anymore."
Jill: Well, according to Ilene, what you said made Al decide to market his Tool Time game. He's invested his entire life savings.
Tim: He did? That's crazy.
Jill: He ordered 500 games and he made a commercial. You gotta go over there right away and talk some sense into him.
Tim: I can't. I'm hanging the exhaust system this morning.
Jill: Look, Tim, Al could be on the brink of financial disaster. You gotta do something.
Tim: I'll give him a call or something.
Jill: No, calling's not good enough. Go over there.
Tim: All right. I'll go over there. When I get back, he'll be just as depressed and boring as usual.

Quote from Al

Al: Look, look! My commercial's on!
Al: [on TV] Look for me and my friends on the cover of the box. So act now because these games will go like hot cakes. We'll ship your order out within three business days or double your money back. You have Al Borland's personal guarantee. So, now you can do more than just watch us on TV. You can play with us at home! Call now. Operators are standing by. [answers phone]
Al: So? What did you think of my commercial?
Tim: It looks like it cost six cents.
Al: [phone rings] Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm. This is the operator. I'm standing by.

Quote from Jill

Ilene: [scrubbing] Al keeps saying he can't marry me until he's financially secure. Then he invests every penny he has in that stupid game. What does that say to you?
Jill: It says I'm gonna have the cleanest pots and pans on the block.
Jill: Ilene, it's not uncommon for people to set up barriers to avoid commitment.
Ilene: But what am I supposed to do? Wait around forever? I'm about to turn the big three-four.

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