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‘Dollars and Sense’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Dollars and Sense

309. Dollars and Sense

Aired November 17, 1993

When the boys receive some money from their grandmother, they decide to invest in baseball cards. Meanwhile, Tim and Al visit the guys from K&B on the construction site.

Quote from Randy

Tim: Guess what's coming back to the house in two weeks. I'll give you a hint. It goes vroom, vroom, vroom.
Randy: Ha. Usually everything around here goes vroom, vroom, boom.

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Quote from Tim

Tim: I always wonder what you do up here when nature calls. What do you do, just let it fly and hope you don't hit the foreman? Look out!
Pete: Well, actually, that is the way Dwayne does it, Tim. The rest of us, we just take the elevator down to the Porta-Potti below.
Tim: Hey, wait a minute. Get this rope here, just attach it here to my 'biner, and you can just head down towards that Porta-Potti right down there.
Al: Tim, be careful.
Tim: Well, I don't know, Al... [slips] Oh! Whoa... aah! [crashes through the wooden Porta-Potti]
Al: Tim, are you all right?
Tim: Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Whoo! Long as I'm down here... Could somebody send me a magazine?

Quote from Al

Al: Working on the high steel takes courage and intestinal fortitude, a lot like working with Tim.
Tim: That's right, A... That's right, Al.

Quote from Jill

Jill: I can't believe you let them do this.
Tim: Before the steam starts coming out of your nose, let me explain.
Jill: You don't have to explain what happened. I know what happened. You all went to the store, you saw the car, you started drooling, the drooling led to grunting, the grunting led to buying.
Tim: You are so far off, it's not even funny. We grunted, drooled, bought.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Whatever you're cooking sure smells good.
Wilson: Why, thank you, neighbor. I'd offer you some, but this is my homemade shoe polish.
Wilson: So how was your day?
Tim: Oh, same old, same old. Went to work, made fun of Al, crashed through a Porta-Potti.
Wilson: Hmm. Sounds full.
Tim: Oh, that wasn't it. Supposed to teach the boys something about investment, went to buy some one-of-a-kind baseball cards. I let them buy a remote-control car instead.
Wilson: So Jack was sent out to sell the cow, and instead he returns with a handful of magic beans.
Tim: What? Beans? Jack? What are you talkin' about? I think you been sniffin' the fumes in that shoe polish too long.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I went into that store with the kids. When I saw that car, I just turned into a big kid. You know, I wanted it myself.
Wilson: [chuckles] Well, Tim, I've always believed the spirit of the child lives on in the man. However, in your case, I think the spirit has completely taken over.
Tim: I've always been a toy freak. I loved them when I was a kid. Even when I couldn't afford cool ones, I made my own toys. Tim Taylor toys.
Wilson: They must have been the talk of the neighborhood.
Tim: Oh, yeah, especially when they caught fire and exploded.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: It must have been difficult, not being able to afford the things you love so much.
Tim: [grunts] Yeah, no toys for Tim. It was tragic, yeah.
Wilson: But nowadays, when you see something that you wanted when you were a boy, you get pretty excited.
Tim: Yeah, I guess I do get pretty excited, and that excitement probably rubbed off on the boys when we walked into that store. [goes back inside]
Wilson: Well, Tim, it's not uncommon. We all try to grasp the pieces of our youth that never were. You didn't have toys. My mother wouldn't let me talk to my neighbors. Tim? Tim?

Quote from Brad

Jill: What did you decide on? College fund, savings account, another bond?
Mark: Baseball cards.
Jill: Baseball cards?
Randy: Well, look at this card. Honus Wagner. It originally sold for a penny. Now it's worth $450,000.
Brad: So we figured if we put our money together and we buy a card for $150, someday it could be worth six billion.
Jill: Brad, I'm not sure that every card gives you a 40 million percent return.

Quote from Jill

Tim: This toy? This toy...
Jill: Oh, man.
Tim: ...is an autographed one-of-a-kind. They keep this in mint condition, it'll double its price.
Jill: You said mint condition?
Tim: Yeah.
Jill: Was that spearmint or peppermint?
Tim: Why is there gum on this?
Jill: It's holding this paper clip in place here. Ugh. What is "...ick Mea..."?

Quote from Al

Pete: Tim, remember, one foot directly in front of the other.
Tim: Thanks, Pete. I'm right behind you. Whoo! Like it up here. We're finally up here on the high steel, where men belong. I call this "iron country safari." [grunts]
Al: I've been cooped up in the studio too long. I've forgotten what it's like to be outside, working next to men who know what they're doing.

Quote from Randy

Jill: Well... I gotta say this shows some very creative thinking, you know? The only thing is, there's no way that the three of you are gonna be able to share one card.
Brad: But Mom, if we each pitch in our $50, we could get a better card.
Jill: Maybe, but I'm remembering those bloody noses that resulted that time you tried to share that 50-cent Nutty Buddy bar.
Randy: Oh, yeah, the famous bloody Nutty Buddy bar incident.
Jill: Yeah.

Quote from Tim

Tim: I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and welcome to the high steel!
Pete: Hey, Timmy!
Tim: I'll be right up. We'll take the elevator up, which is right behind me. Follow me over there. Course, you all know my assistant, Al "Steel Crazy After All These Years" Borland.
Al: That's right, Tim. I love steel. It's durable, reliable and cheap, everything I look for in an alloy.
Tim: Everything you look for in a date.

Quote from Tim

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right. Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo!
Tim: Thank you, Heidi, and welcome to Tool Time. I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. You all know my assistant, Al "Objects Keep Falling On My Head" Borland. We're dressed like this today in our construction vests because on Tool Time we begin High Steel Week. Hi, steel. Al, say hello to the girder.
Al: They're inanimate objects, Tim.
Tim: Well, so are you, but we talk every day.

Quote from Dwayne

Tim: It takes a certain kind of man to navigate the high steel. There's no two better guys to tell us some safety tips about walking the girders than the boys from K&B Construction Company up there in Bay City, Michigan. Let's give a big round of applause for Dwayne and Pete. It's great to have you guys on the show.
Pete: Always great to be here, Timmy.
Dwayne: Especially today, Tim, because we have brought along some other boys...
Tim: Dwayne! Dwayne!
Dwayne: Say hello to Sam, Tom, Tim, Pete, John, Bill, John-Bob, Bob-Bob, Billy-Bob and Bob.
Tim: Hey, K&Bers, how you doin'? Maybe after the show you all go back to Al-Bob's house, have some milk and cookies.

Quote from Pete

Tim: Before we head out to the real job site, though, we're gonna learn some safety tips about walking on top of the high steel.
Dwayne: Well, first, Pete would like to demonstrate the correct technique.
Pete: Technique is important, Tim. Otherwise you could slip and end up six inches shorter. Like Dwayne. I find the safest way to walk the steel is with one foot directly in front of the other.
Al: That would be the one-foot- directly-in-front-of-the-other technique.
Pete: And Tim, on those extra-windy days, you may want to... use an arm... for balance.
Tim: Nice hip action, guy.
Pete: You're not the first to say so, Timmy.

Quote from Tim

Brad: Oh, cool, the hot rod.
Mark: When she's painted, is she all done?
Tim: Well... gotta wire it, put the upholstery in, and then the hard part - talk your mom into sitting in the front seat with a tube top and hot pants.
Brad: Do you think maybe if nobody tells Mom... can I drive it?
Tim: Well, I was kinda waiting to surprise you... No!

Quote from Randy

Tim: Don't touch anything. Whoo, the smell of sports dust in the air. Kinda takes you back to your childhood.
Randy: Dad, this is our childhood.
Mark: Wow, look at all these cards. How are we gonna know what to buy?
Tim: That's why I'm here.
Brad: Dad, you don't know anything about baseball cards.
Randy: Yeah, Mom should've come.
Tim: Look, Honus... You don't need people in here that know about baseball. You need someone here who knows about business.
Randy: Well, then why are you here?

Quote from Tim

Tim: Excuse me. My sons are interested in baseball cards as an investment, and they don't want to get ripped off.
Salesman: Sorry, all we do is rip people off. Store policy.
Tim: All right, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insult you, Mr...
Salesman: Ripoffer. Conman T. Ripoffer.
Tim: From the famous Jack-the-Ripoffer family?
Salesman: Don't worry, I'll give you a good price. Go browse.
Tim: All right, thanks.

Quote from Pete

Pete: Timmy!
Tim: Oh, Pete Bilker from K&B Construction. He'll be takin' us up top. It's good to be on the job site with you finally.
Pete: It's great to have you guys come see us for a change.
Al: I love what you done with the place.
Pete: Thanks, Al. I picked out the fire-retardant Monaco color myself.
Al: It shows.
Tim: You guys pick out your china pattern later. Right now I wanna get up to the high steel!

Quote from Jill

Salesman: Hello, can I help you?
Jill: I was shopping in the mall, and I realized that this is the store where my boys bought their toy Indy car.
Salesman: Oh, yes, I remember. I hope they're not playing with it.
Jill: Believe me, they're definitely not playing with it.
Salesman: So what can I do you for today?
Jill: Well, you know, I was thinking about buying the three little monsters one of these baseball cards for Christmas. What do you think about these three here?
Salesman: Oh, very good. They've doubled in value since I got them.
Jill: Well, you know, I think $40 is a little steep, according to my book here, so do you mind if I look around some more?
Salesman: No, please, by all means, browse.

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