Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Eye on Tim’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Eye on Tim

519. Eye on Tim

Aired February 27, 1996

Tim is the subject of attention when a journalist from a local news show films a segment about Tool Time. Meanwhile, Jill is under the weather.

Quote from Al

Jill: Oh, hi, Al.
Al: Hi. Tim told me you were sick, so I brought you over my very special vaporizer. I've used this ever since I was a little boy to nurse myself back to health.
Jill: That is so sweet.
Al: There you go. Now, the cowboy's arm is the on/off switch. And the steam comes out the horse's mouth.
Jill: Gosh. I don't know whether to say "thank you" or "yippee-ti-yi-yo."
Al: Well, use it every night and you'll be back in the saddle before you know it.
Jill: Thanks, partner.

Rate

Quote from Al

Kelly: Tim, fabulous show!
Tim: Thanks. Did you like that metaphor about the current within the man?
Kelly: Oh...
Al: Usually around here the current runs through the man.

Quote from Tim

Al: Tim! Tim, guess who's in the building.
Tim: Well, it's not shaking, so it can't be your mom.

Quote from Tim

Tim: What can I do for you?
Kelly: Well, Tim, Detroit Today is thinking about doing a story on you and your show.
Tim: Do you really think you capture what we do on the show? It's not just about tools - it's about reclaiming the male spirit.
Kelly: Yeah, I know. It's a powerful manifesto for men in the '90s.
Tim: Well, not just for men in their 90s, but younger men, too.

Quote from Randy

Mark: Mom, we're hungry.
Randy: How come you're not cooking dinner?
Jill: Look at me. Does it look like I'm capable of preparing a decent meal?
Randy: No one said it had to be decent. Just make what you usually make. [Jill throws her snotty tissue at Randy]

Quote from Jill

Brad: Mom, look, you didn't iron my pants for school tomorrow.
Jill: Well, I am so sorry, Brad. I have been selfishly tending to my fever. Hand them over and I'll iron them with the heat from my forehead!

Quote from Tim

Al: We have a special show today.
Tim: It's actually more than a show. It's a powerful metaphor of how men live their lives today.
Al: That's right. We're going to be getting back to basics. We're going to be working entirely with hand tools.
Tim: I like to call it Tool Time Unplugged.
Al: We're doing a whole show with no power.
Tim: Because real power doesn't come from an electrical current. It comes from the current within man.
Al: Of course, you want to be sure that that current is grounded in reality.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Now, I hope I'm not disturbing you, my nasally challenged neighborette. But I brought you a home remedy for your cold.
Jill: Oh, thank you. Come on in. [Wilson enters wearing a surgical mask] Why are you wearing a mask?
Wilson: Well, Jill, I didn't want to get any of your germs because I'm on my way down to the birthing center. I'm their substitute midwife.
Jill: Wilson, you are amazing. Whoa! This smells strong.
Wilson: Yes. That's my own special blend of lemon, honey, oak-barrel Scotch whisky. Some people say it is the quintessential hot toddy.
Jill: Wow!

Quote from Wilson

Jill: Wilson, you should've seen the way they were acting around each other.
Wilson: I really wouldn't be concerned about it, Jill. Probably it's just their pheromones at work.
Jill: Pheromones. What's that?
Wilson: They're chemical signals which are picked up by a sense organ in the nose. Many times it can indicate a physical attraction.
Jill: And I'm not supposed to be concerned?
Wilson: You and Tim share something much bigger.
Jill: A mortgage?
Wilson: No - endorphins. They're the chemicals that make you feel needed and loved.
Jill: Mm. So you think that Tim's endorphins are stronger than his pheromones?
Wilson: Well, knowing Tim as I do, I'm sure they are.
Jill: Ah, Wilson. Thank you so much. Just listening to you talk about Tim is making my endorphins kick in.
Wilson: Actually, Jill, that may not be the endorphins. It's probably the booze in the hot toddy.

Quote from Brad

Kelly: So tell me, Mark, what's it like having "The Tool Man" for a father?
Mark: Oh, it's fun. You get to ride in a lot of ambulances.
Kelly: And, Randy, what's your father's best quality?
Randy: Well, he heals pretty quickly.
Kelly: So, Brad, tell me, is Tool Time your favorite show?
Brad: Uh, no. Actually, my favorite show would have to be yours, Kelly. My friends and I never miss it.
Kelly: Really? I didn't realize I was so popular among kids your age.
Brad: You know, I may look like a kid, but... I'm actually 19.

Quote from Al

Al: Kelly Barnes, from Detroit Today.
Tim: The news/magazine show?
Al: Right. You know, her show on fabric softeners changed my life. It turns out that Light 'N' Fluffy was responsible for my chafing problem. I had this really scaly rash right here...
Tim: Al, Al, I just ate lunch.

Quote from Tim

Kelly: Hi, Tim? I'm Kelly Barnes, Detroit Today. Channel 10.
Tim: Hi, Kelly Barnes. Tim Taylor, Tool Time. What are we? Channel 123 now, I think.

Quote from Al

Al: Al Borland. Pleasure to meet you.
Kelly: You too.
Al: I stopped chafing because of you.
Kelly: Just now?
Al: No.
Tim: Al? Got something to do?
Al: Yeah. Yeah. [runs off]

Quote from Tim

Kelly: Hey! You know, that looks just like the old jack plane my dad used to use. They started making these in the 18th century.
Tim: That's right. You know your tools, huh?
Kelly: You know what would make a great Tool Time? An entire show about hand tools.
Tim: I love that idea.
Kelly: You know, I've always been fascinated by that whole man/tool/gestalt thing.
Tim: Yeah, me too. [mouths] Gestalt?
Kelly: Do you feel that when you use a hand tool, that it's like an extension of your own body?
Tim: I do now.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Honey, how are you feeling?
Jill: Lousy. My head feels like a lead balloon...
Tim: That's too bad. I'll tell you, the good news is I feel great. Big week at Tool Time.
Brad: Yeah, what's going on?
Tim: We're gonna do a show on hand tools, which, by the way, are not just hand tools. They're an extension of my body.
Jill: Tim, I think you and your tools are seeing too much of each other.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, Detroit Today doesn't think so. They're going to doing a whole profile on me.
Brad: Detroit Today? Isn't that that show with Kelly Barnes?
Tim: Yeah, she was at the studio today.
Brad: Man, she's fine! Does she look that awesome in person?
Tim: Oh-ho-ho! Nothing compared to your mother, of course.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, we're gonna be building a mahogany chest like this one.
Tim: Starting out with a hand saw. When a man uses a hand saw instead of a power saw, he can see and feel the relationship between the saw and the wood. See it and feel it. See and feel. [Tim struggles to saw]
Al: I don't see anything happening.
Tim: Well, that's because mahogany is a very, very dense wood.
Al: Ah.
Tim: And the challenge with hand tools is you gotta stick with it. So, Al, please stick with it. While Al is sticking, I'd like to talk about the deeper meaning behind Tool Time What defines the soul of man? Stick with me while we plumb the depths of my own personal gestalt.
Al: Tim, the only thing these people want to see you plumb is a toilet.
Tim: Al, I think you misjudge my audience. I think they wanna go on this very manly journey with me. Right, guys? [a few guys stand up to leave] You guys, sit back down. Next segment, Heidi's doing a vibrating-sander demonstration.

Quote from Tim

Kelly: So, what are you gonna show me next?
Tim: Well, we can either go to my house and show you where "The Tool Man" takes off his belt. Or we can go by Harry's Hardware, where I bought the belt.
Kelly: Well, you know, we should do both. I want to know everything there is to know about you.
Tim: Yeah. OK, well... We might as well start at the beginning. When I was first born, I was a tool man... actually, a tool tot. You know my first two words?
Kelly: No.
Tim: Ooh, ooh.

Quote from Al

Al: Did you see the way they were flirting?
Heidi: Al, they're just being friendly.
Al: Friendly? She was coming on to him. And he was coming unglued faster than... than the last thing he glued.
Heidi: She's not coming on to him.
Al: Oh, you just wouldn't understand. You're not a sexual creature like me.

Quote from Al

Jill: By the way, I saw Tool Time today. Am I insane or did I hear Tim actually use the word "gestalt"?
Al: Well, he picked that up from me, 'cause I use that all the time. I can't stop using that word. Gestalt. Gestalt, gestalt!
Jill: He was showing off for that reporter, wasn't he?
Al: Reporter? No, no, no! He was showing off for me. And it's my fault, because I used that musk aftershave.

Page 2 
 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode