Jill: Oh, hi, Al.
Al: Hi. Tim told me you were sick, so I brought you over my very special vaporizer. I've used this ever since I was a little boy to nurse myself back to health.
Jill: That is so sweet.
Al: There you go. Now, the cowboy's arm is the on/off switch. And the steam comes out the horse's mouth.
Jill: Gosh. I don't know whether to say "thank you" or "yippee-ti-yi-yo."
Al: Well, use it every night and you'll be back in the saddle before you know it.
Jill: Thanks, partner.

Kelly: Tim, fabulous show!
Tim: Thanks. Did you like that metaphor about the current within the man?
Kelly: Oh...
Al: Usually around here the current runs through the man.

Al: Tim! Tim, guess who's in the building.
Tim: Well, it's not shaking, so it can't be your mom.

Tim: What can I do for you?
Kelly: Well, Tim, Detroit Today is thinking about doing a story on you and your show.
Tim: Do you really think you capture what we do on the show? It's not just about tools - it's about reclaiming the male spirit.
Kelly: Yeah, I know. It's a powerful manifesto for men in the '90s.
Tim: Well, not just for men in their 90s, but younger men, too.

Mark: Mom, we're hungry.
Randy: How come you're not cooking dinner?
Jill: Look at me. Does it look like I'm capable of preparing a decent meal?
Randy: No one said it had to be decent. Just make what you usually make. [Jill throws her snotty tissue at Randy]

Brad: Mom, look, you didn't iron my pants for school tomorrow.
Jill: Well, I am so sorry, Brad. I have been selfishly tending to my fever. Hand them over and I'll iron them with the heat from my forehead!

Al: We have a special show today.
Tim: It's actually more than a show. It's a powerful metaphor of how men live their lives today.
Al: That's right. We're going to be getting back to basics. We're going to be working entirely with hand tools.
Tim: I like to call it Tool Time Unplugged.
Al: We're doing a whole show with no power.
Tim: Because real power doesn't come from an electrical current. It comes from the current within man.
Al: Of course, you want to be sure that that current is grounded in reality.

Wilson: Now, I hope I'm not disturbing you, my nasally challenged neighborette. But I brought you a home remedy for your cold.
Jill: Oh, thank you. Come on in. [Wilson enters wearing a surgical mask] Why are you wearing a mask?
Wilson: Well, Jill, I didn't want to get any of your germs because I'm on my way down to the birthing center. I'm their substitute midwife.
Jill: Wilson, you are amazing. Whoa! This smells strong.
Wilson: Yes. That's my own special blend of lemon, honey, oak-barrel Scotch whisky. Some people say it is the quintessential hot toddy.
Jill: Wow!

Jill: Wilson, you should've seen the way they were acting around each other.
Wilson: I really wouldn't be concerned about it, Jill. Probably it's just their pheromones at work.
Jill: Pheromones. What's that?
Wilson: They're chemical signals which are picked up by a sense organ in the nose. Many times it can indicate a physical attraction.
Jill: And I'm not supposed to be concerned?
Wilson: You and Tim share something much bigger.
Jill: A mortgage?
Wilson: No - endorphins. They're the chemicals that make you feel needed and loved.
Jill: Mm. So you think that Tim's endorphins are stronger than his pheromones?
Wilson: Well, knowing Tim as I do, I'm sure they are.
Jill: Ah, Wilson. Thank you so much. Just listening to you talk about Tim is making my endorphins kick in.
Wilson: Actually, Jill, that may not be the endorphins. It's probably the booze in the hot toddy.

Kelly: So tell me, Mark, what's it like having "The Tool Man" for a father?
Mark: Oh, it's fun. You get to ride in a lot of ambulances.
Kelly: And, Randy, what's your father's best quality?
Randy: Well, he heals pretty quickly.
Kelly: So, Brad, tell me, is Tool Time your favorite show?
Brad: Uh, no. Actually, my favorite show would have to be yours, Kelly. My friends and I never miss it.
Kelly: Really? I didn't realize I was so popular among kids your age.
Brad: You know, I may look like a kid, but... I'm actually 19.