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‘For Whom the Belch Tolls’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: For Whom the Belch Tolls

114. For Whom the Belch Tolls

Aired January 14, 1992

Tim's old college friend Stu (Christopher McDonald) crashes family night.

Quote from Wilson

Wilson: Well, it sounds like he's spending all his time looking backwards and you're spending yours looking forward.
Tim: That's it. I can't keep up with this guy. The thought of crushing a beer can on my head makes my butt quiver.
Wilson: Well, that's why I gave it up, Tim.
Tim: I don't know what to do about him.
Wilson: Well, it sounds to me like you're having a hard time saying goodbye.
Tim: Why should I say goodbye? He's been one of my best friends for 15 years.
Wilson: Well, has he, Tim? Or was he your best friend 15 years ago? You see, Tim, I believe it was St. Paul who said: "When I was a child I spoke as a child. I understood as a child. I thought as a child. But when I became a man, I put away childish things."

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Quote from Tim

Tim: And that's how you beat Old Man Winter, by installing a properly clad aluminum storm window inside your wood-frame window. Now, no less effective, and sometimes less costly is installing plastic sheeting on the inside of your window. Right, Al?
Al: That's right, Tim. We've taken a three-millimeter piece of plastic sheeting, cut it two inches larger than our interior frame.
Tim: Right, Al. And we've tucked it over the top, taped it. And now are ready to shrink it using an electric hair dryer. Lisa?
Lisa: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Thanks. We do this to get a wrinkle-free, clear covering over our windows. Now, this works best, but if you don't happen to have a hair dryer, you can always get your mother-in-law over to the house and have her yap at the window for a while. [shrill voice] "You know, you should have married Dr. Conrad. He's a brain surgeon. No, you end up with this loser on the tool show. [hair dryer noise]" Ah! I've just... You don't want... You don't want... You don't want to irritate any mother-in-laws, do you, Al?
Al: You already have, Tim.
Tim: That's it from me. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, reminding you to get those storm windows and doors in early, 'cause you never know when that storm's gonna come rolling through. See you next time.

Quote from Al

Tim: Last time, we showed you how to install an aluminum storm window on an existing wooden frame. Today, we hung a storm door on an existing wood frame. Now, the important thing about putting a door in is hanging it, 'cause if it's not hung well, you got a problem. Right, Al?
Al: Speak for yourself, Tim.
Tim: When installing a door, you gotta make it fit exactly like it's supposed to, so make sure your hinge is aligned with the king stud.
Al: Well, thank you, Tim.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Whoa, muscle beach right here in my own garage.
Tim: Wrong, honey. This is the Tim Taylor Testosterone Hour. I got an idea. Let's flex for her. Drop the weights. Brad, take the coat off. All right, guys, prepare yourselves. Ready? The Egyptian biception. [boys roar]
Jill: Whoa.
Tim: Buttocks, flex.
Jill: Ah.
Tim: Three-point crab. [boys yell]
Jill: Whoa. Very scary. Incredible. Ten points.
Tim: [Austrian accent] I pump for you, my little edelweiss. [walks out the door sideways] Vere's de oil?
Jill: Well, stick around, I'll smear you with bacon grease.
Tim: I'll be back.

Quote from Randy

Jill: Tim, don't forget to pick up some videos tonight after work.
Randy: Yeah, Dad, how about we get Bury Me Again?
Jill: Hey, no! It's family night.
Tim: Yeah, yeah, it's family night. Oh, how about Bayonet Hell?
Boys: Yeah!
Jill: Hey, it's my turn to pick. You're gonna get Sound of Music. [Tim and the boys scream] [phone rings] I'll get that.
Mark: A family movie.
Randy: Hey, Dad, how about we get Fang Woman? She had a family.
Tim: She ate her family.

Quote from Tim

Stu: Hey, remember how we used to go to the gym, practically kill ourselves trying to impress Donna Gilmore?
Tim: Donna Gilmore. I haven't seen or heard from her in years.
Stu: Hey, remember? You and me and Donna driving around in our '68 Impala, top down, her blonde hair blowing in the wind? God, she was a beauty.
Tim: Sure was. What a car. That was a 327 small block, man. I had a big Holley 850 dual feed on that thing. I had tubular headers, glass packs, chromed the canooter valve.
Stu: Hey, you know what I got?
Tim: I know what you got.
Stu: Picture of that Impala. Hood up, hood down. There's a screaming machine.
Tim: This would be a classic today, if it weren't for that little fire we had. And I know I tightened that fuel filter on it. It wasn't my fault.

Quote from Wilson

Tim: Wilson?
Wilson: Hi-ho, neighbor.
Tim: What are you doing?
Wilson: Oh, just pounding myself some horseshoes.
Tim: Wouldn't a pair of loafers be more comfortable?
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. These are shoes that I toss. Look at this, Tim. Perfect weight, perfect balance, aerodynamically correct.
Tim: Yeah. Ah!
Wilson: And very, very hot. I tell you, Tim. I love this game. What it is, it's all in the wrist. [throws horseshoe]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Now, remember what I told you. Plant your elbow inside your knee, like this, all right. And don't just lift your arm. Pull the weight to your shoulder. Good, good. Now, exhale on exertion. Try grunting. It helps. [Tim and Brad grunt] Good guy, Brad. You're gonna be real strong if you keep this up.
Brad: I'm gonna be the strongest one on the football team.
Tim: I can see it now. "Bradley Taylor, the muscular son of Tim Taylor, is carrying the ball. He's got 60 people dragging behind him. 30, the 20, the ten. Oh, he fell because his muscles are just too big."

Quote from Randy

Randy: Hey, Brad. Your muscles look really big.
Brad: Think so?
Randy: Yeah, the one in your head.
Brad: You'd better watch it.
Tim: Settle, boys. I'll give you haircuts.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Why are you so hard on Stu?
Jill: The last time he was here he shook up a beer and sprayed it all over the family room.
Tim: Foam fight, he likes to clown around.
Jill: His idea of clowning around is drinking and making body noises.
Tim: So? He likes to drink beer and make music.
Jill: Playing "The Girl from Ipanema" in his armpit is not musical.
Tim: You ever tried that?

Quote from Al

Stu: Hey, Al. Nice beard. Had chili for lunch? [Tim & Stu laugh]
Al: No, I didn't, Stu.
Stu: So, gotta work with this jerk, huh, Al?
Al: Yes, I do, Stu. Well, it was nice meeting you.
Stu: Uh, great sense of humor.
Al: Thank you.
Tim: He's a serious guy, but he knows his way around a shop.

Quote from Tim

Stu: Whoa. Kill me. Just kill me now. She looks even better in person. Introduce me.
Tim: No.
Stu: Why not?
Tim: Because she's a co-worker, a good friend of mine and you're nothing but dried hog phlegm.
Stu: Watch my move. [to Lisa] Hi, Stu Cutler.
Lisa: Bye, Tim. See you Monday.
Tim: Night, Lise. [to Stu] Ah, boy, it's good to see you still have it, Cutler. She's not your type, man. She can see.

Quote from Tim

Stu: So, you don't want me to come to your house, is that it?
Tim: No, no. Of course not. You're always welcome at my house.
Stu: Well... Let's go!
Tim: Yeah, why not? Yeah, Jill'll be so surprised to see you.
Stu: I can't wait to see her face.
Tim: Me neither.

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, no. You brought him home?
Tim: Jill, he really misses you. He likes you.
Jill: No, he doesn't. He just likes to make fun of me and crush beer cans on his head.
Tim: Well, they gotta be crushed if we're gonna recycle them. I couldn't get rid of him. I couldn't say no. He'll come over, have a beer and that'll be it.
Jill: Okay, but if he crosses the line. I'm personally gonna throw him out.
Tim: What's "crossing the line"?
Jill: Behavior that would be classified as subhuman.
Tim: Can't you be a little more flexible than that?
Jill: One beer and he is gone.

Quote from Tim

Stu: God, you look good. Now, you've lost some weight.
Jill: Yeah, I have. Thank you.
Tim: Now there is a very human compliment.
Stu: So, what's the goal? Another ten?
Tim: Ugh.
Stu: Tim, if you hadn't have married Jill, I would have.
Tim: Now there's something to think about, honey.
Jill: Well.., life would sure be different.
Stu: [chuckles] Well, it sure would. Timmy, you'd be visiting us tonight. And Jill would be a satisfied woman.
Tim: Almost done with that beer, Stu?

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