Wilson: Well, it sounds like he's spending all his time looking backwards and you're spending yours looking forward.
Tim: That's it. I can't keep up with this guy. The thought of crushing a beer can on my head makes my butt quiver.
Wilson: Well, that's why I gave it up, Tim.
Tim: I don't know what to do about him.
Wilson: Well, it sounds to me like you're having a hard time saying goodbye.
Tim: Why should I say goodbye? He's been one of my best friends for 15 years.
Wilson: Well, has he, Tim? Or was he your best friend 15 years ago? You see, Tim, I believe it was St. Paul who said: "When I was a child I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child. But when I became a man, I put away childish things."

Tim: And that's how you beat Old Man Winter, by installing a properly clad aluminum storm window inside your wood-frame window. Now, no less effective, and sometimes less costly is installing plastic sheeting on the inside of your window. Right, Al?
Al: That's right, Tim. We've taken a three-millimeter piece of plastic sheeting, cut it two inches larger than our interior frame.
Tim: Right, Al. And we've tucked it over the top, taped it. And now are ready to shrink it using an electric hair dryer. Lisa?
Lisa: Here you go, Tim.
Tim: Thanks. We do this to get a wrinkle-free, clear covering over our windows. Now, this works best, but if you don't happen to have a hair dryer, you can always get your mother-in-law over to the house and have her yap at the window for a while. [shrill voice] "You know, you should have married Dr. Conrad. He's a brain surgeon. No, you end up with this loser on the tool show. [hair dryer noise]" Ah! I've just... You don't want... You don't want... You don't want to irritate any mother-in-laws, do you, Al?
Al: You already have, Tim.
Tim: That's it from me. Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, reminding you to get those storm windows and doors in early, 'cause you never know when that storm's gonna come rolling through. See you next time.

Tim: Last time, we showed you how to install an aluminum storm window on an existing wooden frame. Today, we hung a storm door on an existing wood frame. Now, the important thing about putting a door in is hanging it, 'cause if it's not hung well, you got a problem. Right, Al?
Al: Speak for yourself, Tim.
Tim: When installing a door, you gotta make it fit exactly like it's supposed to, so make sure your hinge is aligned with the king stud.
Al: Well, thank you, Tim.

Jill: Whoa, muscle beach right here in my own garage.
Tim: Wrong, honey. This is the Tim Taylor Testosterone Hour. I got an idea. Let's flex for her. Drop the weights. Brad, take the coat off. All right, guys, prepare yourselves. Ready? The Egyptian biception. [boys roar]
Jill: Whoa.
Tim: Buttocks, flex.
Jill: Ah.
Tim: Three-point crab. [boys yell]
Jill: Whoa. Very scary. Incredible. Ten points.
Tim: [Austrian accent] I pump for you, my little edelweiss. [walks out the door sideways] Vere's de oil?
Jill: Well, stick around, I'll smear you with bacon grease.
Tim: I'll be back.

Jill: Tim, don't forget to pick up some videos tonight after work.
Randy: Yeah, Dad, how about we get Bury Me Again?
Jill: Hey, no! It's family night.
Tim: Yeah, yeah, it's family night. Oh, how about Bayonet Hell?
Boys: Yeah!
Jill: Hey, it's my turn to pick. You're gonna get Sound of Music. [Tim and the boys scream] [phone rings] I'll get that.
Mark: A family movie.
Randy: Hey, Dad, how about we get Fang Woman? She had a family.
Tim: She ate her family.

Stu: Hey, remember how we used to go to the gym, practically kill ourselves trying to impress Donna Gilmore?
Tim: Donna Gilmore. I haven't seen or heard from her in years.
Stu: Hey, remember? You and me and Donna driving around in our '68 Impala, top down, her blonde hair blowing in the wind? God, she was a beauty.
Tim: Sure was. What a car. That was a 327 small block, man. I had a big Holley 850 dual feed on that thing. I had tubular headers, glass packs, chromed the canooter valve.
Stu: Hey, you know what I got?
Tim: I know what you got.
Stu: Picture of that Impala. Hood up, hood down. There's a screaming machine.
Tim: This would be a classic today, if it weren't for that little fire we had. And I know I tightened that fuel filter on it. It wasn't my fault.

Tim: Wilson?
Wilson: Hi-ho, neighbor.
Tim: What are you doing?
Wilson: Oh, just pounding myself some horseshoes.
Tim: Wouldn't a pair of loafers be more comfortable?
Wilson: No, no, no, Tim. These are shoes that I toss. Look at this, Tim. Perfect weight, perfect balance, aerodynamically correct.
Tim: Yeah. Ah!
Wilson: And very, very hot. I tell you, Tim. I love this game. What it is, it's all in the wrist. [throws horseshoe]

Tim: Now, remember what I told you. Plant your elbow inside your knee, like this, all right. And don't just lift your arm. Pull the weight to your shoulder. Good, good. Now, exhale on exertion. Try grunting. It helps. [Tim and Brad grunt] Good guy, Brad. You're gonna be real strong if you keep this up.
Brad: I'm gonna be the strongest one on the football team.
Tim: I can see it now. "Bradley Taylor, the muscular son of Tim Taylor, is carrying the ball. He's got 60 people dragging behind him. 30, the 20, the ten. Oh, he fell because his muscles are just too big."

Randy: Hey, Brad. Your muscles look really big.
Brad: Think so?
Randy: Yeah, the one in your head.
Brad: You'd better watch it.
Tim: Settle, boys. I'll give you haircuts.

Tim: Why are you so hard on Stu?
Jill: The last time he was here he shook up a beer and sprayed it all over the family room.
Tim: Foam fight, he likes to clown around.
Jill: His idea of clowning around is drinking and making body noises.
Tim: So? He likes to drink beer and make music.
Jill: Playing "The Girl from Ipanema" in his armpit is not musical.
Tim: You ever tried that?