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‘Losing My Religion’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Home Improvement: Losing My Religion

708. Losing My Religion

Aired November 18, 1997

When Randy volunteers at a hospice, he starts to question his faith in organized religion.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You know, there's a place where people get together and pray for God's protection.
Randy: Dad, I'm not going to church.
Tim: I was talking about Tool Time.

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Quote from Jill

Jill: So what exactly are you going to be doing at the hospice?
Randy: I'll be spending my time with a woman named Elaine. You know, we'll play cards, watch videos.
Tim: Hey, why don't you take her some old Tool Time videos?
Jill: The woman has suffered enough.

Quote from Tim

Jill: What is this? I mean, you're not exactly Mr. Religious. I mean, half the time in church you fall asleep.
Tim: But I'm in the building, so I get credit.
Jill: [laughs] Is that what this is about?
Tim: That's God's plan.
Jill: God's plan?
Tim: Yes, you go to church, you get credit. You fall asleep, you lose a credit. You understand the sermon, you get extra credit. If you get enough credits, you can bypass hell and upgrade right to heaven.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Thank you, Heidi, and welcome to Tool Time. I am hm... Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
Al: Wow. We have a very special show for you today. Tim and I are proud to be building something for my church. Thank you, Heidi. This cabinet will become a place for the piscina.
Tim: Now, be very careful. They're worth a lot of money, especially the old piscinas. You gotta make sure the piscina fits in there well. The new modern piscinas aren't as nice as the old piscinas, but with piscinas you always want to be careful.
Al: You have no idea what a piscina is, do you, Tim?
Tim: No. A piscina is a special basin used in the disposal of baptismal water, leftover wine...
Al: And maybe those annoying oils?
Tim: Anointing oils. Those, too. So, basically, it's a sink.
Al: Well, it's not an ordinary sink. See, it has no faucets.
Tim: So, it's not even as good as a sink.

Quote from Randy

Randy: I'm going to school to sign up to volunteer at the hospice home.
Jill: You know, Randy, I think it's great that you're doing it, but working with people who are dying isn't gonna be easy.
Randy: I know it's not going to be easy for me, but think how tough things are for them.
Tim: I could have never handled this at your age. This is really cool that you're doing this.
Randy: Dad, this isn't about cool. I mean, the whole concept of hospice is an alternative to the medical establishment. Which is nothing but a greedy, doctor-controlled bureaucracy that's death-oriented instead of life-oriented.
Tim: They never heat up those rubber gloves, either.

Quote from Wilson

Randy: I didn't know you volunteered here at the hospice.
Wilson: Mm-hmm.
Randy: You know, today's my first day.
Wilson: Well, it's a wonderful place. I think you're gonna get a lot of good stuff out of it.
Randy: I don't know. Ever since I got here I've been a bit nervous. I don't want to say or do the wrong thing.
Wilson: Ah. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Wilson: You know, Randy, I'm reminded of the Book of Sirach, which says a faithful friend is a medicine for life.
Randy: So, I should just relax and try to be supportive?
Wilson: Exactly. And if you want you can always borrow my size 52 clodhoppers. They're a great icebreaker.

Quote from Randy

Becky: Randy, Elaine's back from her walk.
Randy: Oh. Hi. I'm Randy Taylor. Are you OK? Do you want to sit down?
Nurse: Well, I probably should after that two mile power walk, but she's Elaine. I work here.
Elaine: She's my nurse. I keep telling her to live life and get off her bony butt.
Randy: Wow. You power walk?
Elaine: I also dress myself and cut my own meat.
Randy: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-
Elaine: Hey. I'm having fun with you. Aren't I allowed to have fun?
Randy: Oh, yeah, of course. Fun, fun, fun!
Elaine: Well, Randy, would you like to see this place?
Randy: Sure. I'm dying to. I mean, I'd love to.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Is this your family?
Elaine: Yes. That's my son, Steven and my daughter, Nancy. They both asked me to move in with them.
Randy: Why didn't you?
Elaine: Well, one lives in California and one lives in Florida. I hate surfing and old people.
Randy: You know, the worst is old people who surf. [imitating old man] Hey, get out of my pipeline. I'm surfing here.
Elaine: Well, I am staying here in Detroit until the Lions win a Super Bowl.
Randy: You're gonna be here awhile.
Elaine: I'm counting on it.

Quote from Randy

Elaine: You know, Randy, when the doctors diagnosed me with cancer, they said I only had six months to live. That was three years ago.
Randy: That's fantastic.
Elaine: Doctors! What do they know?
Randy: Tell me about it. They run 400 tests, come up with their expert diagnosis, toss people in the hospital for thousands of dollars a day. Then if they're not sick enough to die, they've got no money left to live.
Elaine: You seem a little bitter.
Randy: Well, I've been reading a lot of articles on the health care crisis in this country. It just makes me really mad.
Elaine: It is so refreshing to meet a young person who has such strong convictions and beliefs.
Randy: I've been questioning a lot of things lately. Corruption of the political establishment, lack of ethics in corporate America, hypocrisy of organized religion. You know, there are just so many things in this world that people follow blindly.
Elaine: Never be a follower. You stick to your guns and don't ever lose your fire.
Randy: You sure haven't lost yours.
Elaine: Well, that's what keeps me going. That, and hiding props from that annoying clown. [beeping horn]

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, hi. How did it go at the hospice?
Randy: Unbelievable. Elaine was so full of life. She was an inspiration.
Tim: Hey, speaking of inspiration, Al has invited us to his church this Sunday.
Jill: They're honoring your father's sink.
Tim: It's not a sink. It's an extremely religious basin. It's called a Pasadena.

Quote from Tim

Randy: Dad, I just believe people can experience God in different ways.
Jill: Does this have anything to do with the hospice?
Randy: Yeah. Being there reminded me how important it is to question things. The answers I've been coming up with don't have anything to do with organized religion.
Jill: I think it's great that you're examining your life on a deeper level. Are you sure that you want to abandon everything you've believed in?
Tim: Especially a religion.
Randy: Dad, I'm not abandoning God. It's just, sitting in that church goes against my convictions and beliefs.
Tim: Convictions and beliefs? What do they have to do with religion?

Quote from Jill

Tim: What makes Randy think he can get away with not going to church?
Jill: I don't think he's trying to get away with anything. Randy's wrestling with major philosophical issues. We can't force him to share our beliefs. We're gonna have to be open-minded and allow him to find his own.
Tim: What if he starts believing something we don't like? What if he joins a cult that worships chicken parts?
Jill: He'll never go hungry.
Tim: I don't think this is real funny, Jill.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Can I talk to you for a minute?
Mike Webber: Sure. Want me to bless the flathead?
Tim: Not today. I'm having a little trouble with my 15-year-old son.
Mike Webber: Is it serious?
Tim: I think so. He's having a little problem with your boss.
Mike Webber: The bishop?
Tim: The boss?
Mike Webber: Springsteen?
Tim: His boss.
Mike Webber: Oh, oh.

Quote from Tim

Tim: He doesn't want to go to church anymore, and I don't know how to make him.
Mike Webber: Make him go? I've got a teenage son. Can't make a 15-year-old do anything.
Tim: Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of. But if I don't try, then the kid may...
Mike Webber: Wind up on the wrong path?
Tim: Well, it's like he's been cruising along 275 in a great line, then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he gets off an exit and there he is, on Telegraph.
Mike Webber: Yeah. Potholes, permanent construction.
Tim: I used to race on Telegraph.
Mike Webber: Oh, man, there were some sporting races. I remember one night, some kid took this beautiful Chevelle Super Sport, a '67. And he just corkscrewed off a turn and the idiot wrecked it.
Tim: I was there. I was there, yeah.
Mike Webber: I mean, that was a cherry car. The guy must have built it but he couldn't handle it.
Tim: No, no, no, he could handle it. Look. It wasn't a '69. It was a '68, it was a Nova, and the kid did all... Let's talk about Randy, okay?

Quote from Tim

Al: Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a warm Tool Time welcome for the minister of the St. Stephens Episcopal Church. Heidi, my minister please, Father Mike Weber. [an organ version of the Tool Time theme plays]
Tim: Father, it's really good to have you on this show. I wonder how you feel being the first holy man to ever be on Tool Time.
Mike Webber: Well, I'm not basking in the glory. I just hope I get out alive. [Al chuckles]
Tim: Well, you don't have much to worry about, since you have an in with the big guy. And I'm not talking about Al.

Quote from Tim

Al: Well, Father, I was trying to explain to Tim exactly what a piscina is. Would you care to elaborate?
Mike Webber: It's a sink.
Tim: [mocking] Na-na-na-na-na.
Mike Webber: The difference is, it's a sink that's been blessed.
Tim: So, you need to find a blessed plumber. That's hard. "Oh, Father, forgive me. I've overcharged. Your trap wasn't stuck at all."
Mike Webber: You don't need a plumber, actually, Tim. You see, it's a very simple concept. It's a basin, with a pipe that goes directly into the ground so that the sacred fluids go right back into the earth. The piscina is a thousand year old tradition in the church and it's symbolic of many wondrous miracles.
Al: Thank you, Father. [mocking] Na-na-na-na-na.
Mike Webber: The most wonderful miracle is, it's so simple to install, even you can't destroy it. [Al snorts]

Quote from Tim

Tim: Well, we'll finish our installation here.
Mike Webber: We really appreciate this at St. Stephen's. Al, thank you so much.
Al: Our pleasure.
Mike Webber: We're very excited about receiving it on Sunday.
[Tim drops the piscina through the hole in the cabinet]
Tim: Is there a special prayer you have when a sacred object is destroyed?
Mike Webber: Yes, there is. You break it, you buy it.

Quote from Tim

Willow: Breathe in and out. And in and out. Beautiful. [Mark and Brad flop to the ground] Now, every yoga session ends with a very special sensation.
Mark: Pain?
Willow: Inner peace. This exercise is Uncle Wilson's favorite. It's called Shava-asana. You lie down in the position of a corpse.
Tim: [enters] You guys had some of Mom's meatloaf, huh?
Jill: I heard that.

Quote from Tim

Willow: Hey, Tim.
Tim: Hello, Willow.
Willow: You ever try yoga?
Tim: Nope. No matter what they do to it, it still doesn't taste like ice cream.

Quote from Brad

Willow: Well, I hope you guys enjoyed your first session.
Brad: Yeah, I loved it. It's the first time I've ever seen the back of my neck.
Jill: Now that you've seen it, wash it.

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