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‘Losing My Religion’ Quotes Page 1 of 4    

Home Improvement: Losing My Religion

708. Losing My Religion

Aired November 18, 1997

When Randy volunteers at a hospice, he starts to question his faith in organized religion.

Quote from Tim

Tim: You know, there's a place where people get together and pray for God's protection.
Randy: Dad, I'm not going to church.
Tim: I was talking about Tool Time.

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Quote from Jill

Jill: So what exactly are you going to be doing at the hospice?
Randy: I'll be spending my time with a woman named Elaine. You know, we'll play cards, watch videos.
Tim: Hey, why don't you take her some old Tool Time videos?
Jill: The woman has suffered enough.

Quote from Tim

Jill: What is this? I mean, you're not exactly Mr. Religious. I mean, half the time in church you fall asleep.
Tim: But I'm in the building, so I get credit.
Jill: [laughs] Is that what this is about?
Tim: That's God's plan.
Jill: God's plan?
Tim: Yes, you go to church, you get credit. You fall asleep, you lose a credit. You understand the sermon, you get extra credit. If you get enough credits, you can bypass hell and upgrade right to heaven.

Quote from Tim

Tim: Thank you, Heidi, and welcome to Tool Time. I am hm... Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. And of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
Al: Wow. We have a very special show for you today. Tim and I are proud to be building something for my church. Thank you, Heidi. This cabinet will become a place for the piscina.
Tim: Now, be very careful. They're worth a lot of money, especially the old piscinas. You gotta make sure the piscina fits in there well. The new modern piscinas aren't as nice as the old piscinas, but with piscinas you always want to be careful.
Al: You have no idea what a piscina is, do you, Tim?
Tim: No. A piscina is a special basin used in the disposal of baptismal water, leftover wine...
Al: And maybe those annoying oils?
Tim: Anointing oils. Those, too. So, basically, it's a sink.
Al: Well, it's not an ordinary sink. See, it has no faucets.
Tim: So, it's not even as good as a sink.

Quote from Randy

Randy: I'm going to school to sign up to volunteer at the hospice home.
Jill: You know, Randy, I think it's great that you're doing it, but working with people who are dying isn't gonna be easy.
Randy: I know it's not going to be easy for me, but think how tough things are for them.
Tim: I could have never handled this at your age. This is really cool that you're doing this.
Randy: Dad, this isn't about cool. I mean, the whole concept of hospice is an alternative to the medical establishment. Which is nothing but a greedy, doctor-controlled bureaucracy that's death-oriented instead of life-oriented.
Tim: They never heat up those rubber gloves, either.

Quote from Wilson

Randy: I didn't know you volunteered here at the hospice.
Wilson: Mm-hmm.
Randy: You know, today's my first day.
Wilson: Well, it's a wonderful place. I think you're gonna get a lot of good stuff out of it.
Randy: I don't know. Ever since I got here I've been a bit nervous. I don't want to say or do the wrong thing.
Wilson: Ah. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Wilson: You know, Randy, I'm reminded of the Book of Sirach, which says a faithful friend is a medicine for life.
Randy: So, I should just relax and try to be supportive?
Wilson: Exactly. And if you want you can always borrow my size 52 clodhoppers. They're a great icebreaker.

Quote from Randy

Becky: Randy, Elaine's back from her walk.
Randy: Oh. Hi. I'm Randy Taylor. Are you OK? Do you want to sit down?
Nurse: Well, I probably should after that two mile power walk, but she's Elaine. I work here.
Elaine: She's my nurse. I keep telling her to live life and get off her bony butt.
Randy: Wow. You power walk?
Elaine: I also dress myself and cut my own meat.
Randy: I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-
Elaine: Hey. I'm having fun with you. Aren't I allowed to have fun?
Randy: Oh, yeah, of course. Fun, fun, fun!
Elaine: Well, Randy, would you like to see this place?
Randy: Sure. I'm dying to. I mean, I'd love to.

Quote from Randy

Randy: Is this your family?
Elaine: Yes. That's my son, Steven and my daughter, Nancy. They both asked me to move in with them.
Randy: Why didn't you?
Elaine: Well, one lives in California and one lives in Florida. I hate surfing and old people.
Randy: You know, the worst is old people who surf. [imitating old man] Hey, get out of my pipeline. I'm surfing here.
Elaine: Well, I am staying here in Detroit until the Lions win a Super Bowl.
Randy: You're gonna be here awhile.
Elaine: I'm counting on it.

Quote from Randy

Elaine: You know, Randy, when the doctors diagnosed me with cancer, they said I only had six months to live. That was three years ago.
Randy: That's fantastic.
Elaine: Doctors! What do they know?
Randy: Tell me about it. They run 400 tests, come up with their expert diagnosis, toss people in the hospital for thousands of dollars a day. Then if they're not sick enough to die, they've got no money left to live.
Elaine: You seem a little bitter.
Randy: Well, I've been reading a lot of articles on the health care crisis in this country. It just makes me really mad.
Elaine: It is so refreshing to meet a young person who has such strong convictions and beliefs.
Randy: I've been questioning a lot of things lately. Corruption of the political establishment, lack of ethics in corporate America, hypocrisy of organized religion. You know, there are just so many things in this world that people follow blindly.
Elaine: Never be a follower. You stick to your guns and don't ever lose your fire.
Randy: You sure haven't lost yours.
Elaine: Well, that's what keeps me going. That, and hiding props from that annoying clown. [beeping horn]

Quote from Tim

Jill: Oh, hi. How did it go at the hospice?
Randy: Unbelievable. Elaine was so full of life. She was an inspiration.
Tim: Hey, speaking of inspiration, Al has invited us to his church this Sunday.
Jill: They're honoring your father's sink.
Tim: It's not a sink. It's an extremely religious basin. It's called a Pasadena.

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